Exclusivity comes after sex?

[BroadstreetBully]

I've been reading relationship boards and talking to a few men I know and most agree that they do not consider becoming exclusive with a woman until after they have sex. Now call me naive, but this blew my mind! I had no idea that most men felt that way, but now that I know...it changes my outlook on dating a lot.

Is it crazy for a woman to want exclusivity with a man before sex?

 

[aribell]

All I can say is that I think it's bold to expect sex before exclusivity.

ETA: I know a lot of people (men) throw out the whole "sexual compatibility" thing as being vital to determining whether to be exclusive, but I don't buy it. Dating someone exclusively is not an engagement to get married, it's not a down payment on a mortgage, it's just not super serious. And if at any point compatibility in any area is off, you can end things.

Basically, I think making sex a prerequisite to even a consideration of exclusivity makes it seem that they're more interested in what they can get out of the deal as quickly an easily as possible rather than genuinely being interested in getting to know a woman.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

^^That is what I thought but apparently many men feel this way--like sex seals the deal for exclusivity. One guy even described it as 'consummating the relationship'. WTH?

 

[NapfroConsulate]

I cannot speak for myself b/c sex came about 9 months after me and my SO decided to become exclusive. Having said that, I have started to notice that a lot of my friends have had sex on the first date and it either becomes a relationship or it doesn't. Its like rush and roulette or something. They don't even talk about it they just decided to keep calling each other after the first hook up and then their are a couple or not. Its weird.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

^^I've seen that scenario as well.

On this one forum, it's not uncommon for men to say that no matter how much they like a girl, if they don't get sex after about a month or two, it's over.

Perhaps it is a generational thing, but it seems like many men cannot fathom the idea of making a woman his girlfriend if they have not had sex. In some cases, I guess I understand where they are coming from, but I'm starting to think I'm too old fashioned for modern day dating.

 

[SleekyHair]

This hasn't been the case with any of the men I've dated. I think it just depends on the man and the type of relationship he's looking for . If he's looking for something long-term (and possibly permanent) he'd be more willing to wait longer than a man whose interested in short-term relationships (or none at all).
I think a lot of men use this as a way to get women to sleep with them early in a relationship. A lot of women mistakingly believe that giving up the goods will make a man want to commit.

 

[softblackcotton]

^^That is what I thought but apparently many men feel this way--like sex seals the deal for exclusivity. One guy even described it as 'consummating the relationship'. WTH?

*&@&&@$@*!$&@$!!! What idiot told you that?! Consummating is for marriage and marriage only!

ETA: I'm 25 and still saving myself for marriage. I was kinda of dating or talking to this guy for 9 months, and he wanted exclusivity and said he would wait for me, but I learned haphazardly that he was hooking up with other women through a dating site. oh well. I'm over him. So glad all I did was kiss him twice. BlecH!

 

[dlewis]

I'm so glad Im not dating right now. No man would ever want me.

 

[JustKiya]

Hrm.

I don't know. I really think that it depends on the woman, and what she wants, to be honest, and whether she's willing to have sex before exclusivity.

If he isn't willing to become exclusive before sex, and she isn't willing to have sex until after they are exclusive - well, sounds like they shouldn't be exclusive, at all - that's a pretty powerful difference of opinion, there, and I'm sure it is reflected on other levels than 'just' sex.

Now, if both are on the same page - whether that page be pre-sex exclusivity or post-sex exclusivity - it's all good - and that might also reflect some similarities in other levels of compatibility.

And I suspect that more men are willing to be on whatever page the woman they are actually interested in is on than we suspect.

 

[Bunny77]

I only have had one man try and come at me with that mess.

Otherwise, I haven't had this problem... so don't worry, I wouldn't say this is the new thing that many men expect now. Maybe more than in the past, but there's still room for us crazy folk who actually expect exclusivity before sex!

 

[Curlybeauty]

Hrm.

I don't know. I really think that it depends on the woman, and what she wants, to be honest, and whether she's willing to have sex before exclusivity.

If he isn't willing to become exclusive before sex, and she isn't willing to have sex until after they are exclusive - well, sounds like they shouldn't be exclusive, at all - that's a pretty powerful difference of opinion, there, and I'm sure it is reflected on other levels than 'just' sex.

Now, if both are on the same page - whether that page be pre-sex exclusivity or post-sex exclusivity - it's all good - and that might also reflect some similarities in other levels of compatibility.

And I suspect that more men are willing to be on whatever page the woman they are actually interested in is on than we suspect.

See with my experience, even if there is a powerful difference in opinions/views on the relationship, things turn out otherwise. I see this as a standard but not a deal breaker. Sometimes you end up compromising in these types of situationsor not.

 

[JustKiya]

See with my experience, even if there is a powerful difference in opinions/views on the relationship, things turn out otherwise. I see this as a standard but not a deal breaker. Sometimes you end up compromising in these types of situationsor not.

and you know, I was trying to figure out a way to say - and this ain't always a blanket thing, and if you decide to change your mind - one way or the other - for whatever reason, that's okay, too. Compromise happens.

Do you. Just be aware of the potential outcomes. And be honest about whether you are doing it - or not doing it - because you want to.

 

[Curlybeauty]

and you know, I was trying to figure out a way to say - and this ain't always a blanket thing, and if you decide to change your mind - one way or the other - for whatever reason, that's okay, too. Compromise happens.

Do you. Just be aware of the potential outcomes. And be honest about whether you are doing it - or not doing it - because you want to.

Fa sho' !
Like I always say...as long as you can wake up the next day and still feel comfy in your own skin...its a GO!

 

[MissJ]

^^I've seen that scenario as well.

On this one forum, it's not uncommon for men to say that no matter how much they like a girl, if they don't get sex after about a month or two, it's over.

Perhaps it is a generational thing, but it seems like many men cannot fathom the idea of making a woman his girlfriend if they have not had sex. In some cases, I guess I understand where they are coming from, but I'm starting to think I'm too old fashioned for modern day dating.

Me too, girl, and I can't get with that.

 

[Zaynab]

^^I've seen that scenario as well.

On this one forum, it's not uncommon for men to say that no matter how much they like a girl, if they don't get sex after about a month or two, it's over.

Perhaps it is a generational thing, but it seems like many men cannot fathom the idea of making a woman his girlfriend if they have not had sex. In some cases, I guess I understand where they are coming from, but I'm starting to think I'm too old fashioned for modern day dating.

I think it's a generational thing. It's part of the whole "want it now" texting, no calling, "chilling" no dating, meeting men off the internet, friends AKA *** buddies....people want everything upfront because men feel like they are free agents now and can move on to the next person. Women fed into this and I believe it's why men have dropped the standard so low now. If it's on your terms great and you're calling the shots but men that are sitting back like "if you don't do this, I can move on"

Relationships and dating are SO different now. I swear, I swear....and I know it sounds crazy but it started with the real Hip hop era, that's my theory anyway Too much sleeping around and no dating. Now don't get me wrong, if you want to do that, that's fine but Iwouldn't allow a man to determine IF we were gonna be exclusive we have to have sex first.

 

[Theo]

And I suspect that more men are willing to be on whatever page the woman they are actually interested in is on than we suspect.

I have found this to be true.

 

[MissYocairis]

This hasn't been the case with any of the men I've dated. I think it just depends on the man and the type of relationship he's looking for . If he's looking for something long-term (and possibly permanent) he'd be more willing to wait longer than a man whose interested in short-term relationships (or none at all).
I think a lot of men use this as a way to get women to sleep with them early in a relationship. A lot of women mistakingly believe that giving up the goods will make a man want to commit.

See, I think it depends on the WOMAN and how she handles herself within the relationship. I think men will TRY and get women to go with as much as they can get without a commitment but it's the WOMAN who ultimately says yay or nay.

When women stand up for their values and REQUIRE men to follow suit...they submit. But, women have to be willing to let the busters GO rather than submitting to less than what they want. If a woman wants exclusivity before giving up the goods, and she's strong and steadfast in that and they are compatible on all the other levels, I believe a man will wait and meet her at exclusivity

Women really are powerful in that way. Most of what men DO is to get the cookie. Wealth, cars, working out, etc....they all want SO much to be appealing to the opposite sex so they can get some. Don't forget, there was once a time when women and men COURTED and a woman didn't give up the goods til marriage. WE carry the power. But...there are so many women willing to be booty calls that we've compromised our bargaining position and handed over most of the power to men.

 

[kismettt]

well you should prob be exclusive before sex just for health reasons.

i think now people have to have the "exclusive talk". my friend has been dating this guy for a month & he told her he isn't seeing/talking to anyone else. & she was like erplexed. i'm just imagining her face because she just moved to a new city and is NOT trying to be tied down.

 

[afrikurl]

Im married now but before ... it was out of the question to have sex or sexual interactions with someone who wasn't even my boyfriend. If you had sex with every person you are strongly attracted to doesn't that devalue the emotional connection that comes along with it? A lot of young ladies were doing this when I was in college. Here is how I saw it then and how I still see it now. Men are upfront and tell you the truth. I want the cookie and I'm not intersted in commiting to you to get it. Women like suckas say that's fine cause I'm OK with no strings attached. Women think, If I have sex with him he will come around eventually and commit to me. Their feelings get hurt when the men never do. He told you he was a snake before he bit you.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I don't see what's so bad about it...

Unlike women, men seem to be very assertive in what they will and won't take before exclusivity.

I think we should follow suit.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Hmm. It really depends. If a woman is dating a man and considers him a long term prospect, she MAY feel the desire to "test-drive" him between the sheets before making a commitment.

What if he's got a 2 incher in his pants? There's NOTHING he can do about that, it is what it is. So you get to really like him and tell him you want to do something long term, but then drop him like a sack of hot garbage post-exclusivity once you discover he's not working with anything? That's kinda cold-blooded, because then he KNOWS you are dropping him due to peen deficiency.

You can play it off better if you have made no commitment. You can say it just isn't working out etc and move on to another guy. I am resolutely not mad at a woman who refused to deal with a double bellybutton man.

On the other end of things, ITA that men have too much power, trying to decree when a woman has to have sex with him. SMDH um, no. My cookie, my rules. The man should recognize that sex is on the woman's terms. If he has a problem with that, he needs to keep it pushing to the next female who will tolerate his entitled-ness.

 

[TinyBlu]

I think the exclusivity should come first. Having tried to use sex to get love in my younger days, I learned that if a man truly values you, he will wait and be with you ONLY.

As other posters have said, men will use anything to get the draws...

 

[weaveadiva]

i don't know if this is "right" or "wrong," but i'm definitely not surprised by it

i think sex before commitment is common these days...don't know if i agree, but don't see anything wrong with it

 

[Xavier]

Hrm.

Now, if both are on the same page - whether that page be pre-sex exclusivity or post-sex exclusivity - it's all good - and that might also reflect some similarities in other levels of compatibility.

Bingo. Pre sex doesn't rule out a guy considering exclusivity, just like post sex doesn't guarantee a long lasting relationship.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Bingo. Pre sex doesn't rule out a guy considering exclusivity, just like post sex doesn't guarantee a long lasting relationship.

Point well taken but considering that nothing is really guaranteed, I'd go by the stats of that alone. The chances of gaining a serious exclusive relationship presex one is alot lower.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Bingo. Pre sex doesn't rule out a guy considering exclusivity, just like post sex doesn't guarantee a long lasting relationship.

Didnt harm my situation. We had sex about 3 weeks prior to becoming exclusive. Then he came at me and said if we dont become exclusive we cant have sex anymore and that he'll move on. So I gave in and agreed

 

[ellebelle88]

Didnt harm my situation. We had sex about 3 weeks prior to becoming exclusive. Then he came at me and said if we dont become exclusive we cant have sex anymore and that he'll move on. So I gave in and agreed

Wow, really? Do you think the fact that he knew he wasn't the only guy in the picture made him settle down and want to be with you exclusively? For girls, we hate knowing that there are other women out there who we have to compete with for our man, so maybe the same held true for your man...like reverse psychology? I've always heard that the one who cares the least in the relationship has the most power.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Wow, really? Do you think the fact that he knew he wasn't the only guy in the picture made him settle down and want to be with you exclusively? For girls, we hate knowing that there are other women out there who we have to compete with for our man, so maybe the same held true for your man...like reverse psychology? I've always heard that the one who cares the least in the relationship has the most power.

Well thats the thing i didn't have anyone else in the picture and if i did i would not be having sex with any parties involved. he's just the type of guy that doesn't do well with no strings attached and dating that leads to nothing. i respected his opinion and i thought why not? so now we are together. if i wasn't ready then i would have let him move on.

 

[Raine054]

I couldn't do it. I can't see myself doing the most intimate physical act with someone who has not made a commitment to me. I would never get near a guy who thinks this way.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

If you are looking at the long term and sex is a sacred thing to you...

Whether you give it up or don't give it up, he will leave if he has no intention on marrying you. And giving it up does not guarantee and, a lot of times, will not increase you stock value with most men. So why bother?