Emotional Cheating????

[Theo]

***Sorry, I know its long, but this is something that I've been dwelling on for the past couple of days.***

How would you view a man who became interested in you while he was in a relationship with someone else?

One of my classmates is in a long distance relationship while in medical school. Of course that is very stressful. Over the past couple of months, we've become quite close. We started out as study partners and it was completely platonic. Over time, however, I have developed some feelings for him, inevitably I guess.

Stress + long hours studying + attraction= very weird chemistry lol

Anyways, I have never shared them with him and we have talked honestly and frankly about love and relationships; I think he is a good guy with a good heart. I don't know his girlfriend, but I do respect his relationship. Lately I have taken measures to put some distance between us, mostly to protect my feelings. Nothing shytzi is going on, but when I fall, I fall hard, and it don't make no sense.

A couple of days ago, a mutual friend told me that he confided in her, and told her that he liked me, however, he feels conflicted about what to do being that he is in a relationship, which is close to 1 yr old. The relationship is already strained. She also said that he is concerned with how I might view him if he breaks up with her and then ends up pursuing a relationship with me, and worries that I might find him untrustworthy. Generally I would... , but knowing myself, and the nature of our relationship there was nothing shady about us starting to like each other. It just happened.

Anyways, we've never talked personally about this. We remain close friends and we get along wonderfully, but I don't know how much longer that can last. There is definite chemistry between us. His relationship is already strained, and I think our friendship might be adding to the strain. Either way, I've fallen back on hanging out with him like that, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know we're not physically cheating, but I'm afraid we might be emotionally cheating, or at least well on our way there, and I don't want to be apart of something like that.

So I'm confused. Could you get involved with someone who left another relationship to be with you? Is there ever an appropriate way of going about something like that? Anybody ever experienced anything like that? How did it work out?

Is it a bad idea and should I just stay away? Or continue our friendship and see where it goes? Can any good come of it?

 

[KAT25]

He is in a stained relationship and you are filling the void. He is lonely and you are a good friend and he enjoys your company. When you take things to another level you guys might not feel the same way as you feel now if there wasn't anyone else in the picture. It is a chance that you have to take if you want to see if anything will come out of this relationship. But if you like him then have your fun but pulling back away from him might just make yourself want him more and when you do get another opportunity to be around him temptation will be harder to resist.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Could you get involved with someone who left another relationship to be with you? Is there ever an appropriate way of going about something like that? Anybody ever experienced anything like that? How did it work out?

Is it a bad idea and should I just stay away? Or continue our friendship and see where it goes? Can any good come of it?

No, I would not get involved with a man who left another relationship to be with me. For me, it says something about his character and his ability (or lack thereof) to honor commitment. The fact that he is "confiding" and telling a friend that is interested in you romantically when he is in a relationship doesn't sit well with me.

I guess there is an appropriate way to go about something like that...I just don't know what it is. I've been in a situation similar to yours, but I did not pursue the relationship because I knew, based on a prior experience, that I would always wonder if how we started would be how we ended (him "liking" the next female friend...).

I agree with KAT. You are filling a void in his strained relationship, and I have seen situations like this where the guy (or gal) is finally free to be with the other person, and the thrill or "chemistry" is gone or not as strong. Part of the pull in situations like this is wondering what could be. When the mystery is taken away, the reality of the relationship is left (compatibility, insecurities, questions about the transition from the last relationship, etc).

I would throttle back and leave it alone. You already recognize the possibilities; don't put yourself in a compromising situation. If it's meant to be, it will be...without him (or you) having to be torn about it.

 

[Theo]

He is in a stained relationship and you are filling the void. He is lonely and you are a good friend and he enjoys your company. When you take things to another level you guys might not feel the same way as you feel now if there wasn't anyone else in the picture. It is a chance that you have to take if you want to see if anything will come out of this relationship. But if you like him then have your fun but pulling back away from him might just make yourself want him more and when you do get another opportunity to be around him temptation will be harder to resist.

Thanks. It had occurred to me that I might just be filling the void of his strained relationship, and it really didn't sit well with me and it still doesn't. The only reason why I feel like I should pull back is because it would be much easier to do now than later. I figure if I do keep hanging out with him, I'm only setting myself up for disappointment later. I do have other things that I can do to occupy my time and thoughts so I might as well do them.

No, I would not get involved with a man who left another relationship to be with me. For me, it says something about his character and his ability (or lack thereof) to honor commitment. The fact that he is "confiding" and telling a friend that is interested in you romantically when he is in a relationship doesn't sit well with me.

I guess there is an appropriate way to go about something like that...I just don't know what it is. I've been in a situation similar to yours, but I did not pursue the relationship because I knew, based on a prior experience, that I would always wonder if how we started would be how we ended (him "liking" the next female friend...).

I feel the same way. I have never been in a situation like this before, but I know I don't want to be in a relationship that started off with dishonesty. I guess the gray area comes in that although there's nothing wrong happening, there's no way we can do things right, so you might as well just walk away I guess.

I agree with KAT. You are filling a void in his strained relationship, and I have seen situations like this where the guy (or gal) is finally free to be with the other person, and the thrill or "chemistry" is gone or not as strong. Part of the pull in situations like this is wondering what could be. When the mystery is taken away, the reality of the relationship is left (compatibility, insecurities, questions about the transition from the last relationship, etc).

I would throttle back and leave it alone. You already recognize the possibilities; don't put yourself in a compromising situation. If it's meant to be, it will be...without him (or you) having to be torn about it.

Thanks for the advice. We will be classmates for another 4 years, and I really do appreciate his friendship...plus he's a great study partner. I do think I need to walk away for a bit to make sure my mind is right, but I'm glad I caught myself before anything happened.

I think with all the stress and stuff, its easy to get caught up and catch feelings. I think if we had met under different circumstances, this "chemistry" would be non-existent. I couldn't stand him when I first met him lol.


Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

 

[QT]

OP.... There are 2 sides to the story one is his her's (his girl) and the Truth.

Worst case scenario I would rather my DH have a fling then to have conversation to a women everyday. IMO when they have a one nightstand there is no attachment, when it comes to speaking to someone everyday they are getting to know them intimately and to me that is the worst.

 

[foxxymami]

How do you know it is strained?

 

[QT]

How do you know it is strained?

I said the same thing.... he's telling you what you want to hear

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Put yourself in his girlfriends' shoes. How would you feel if your SO was having intimate conversations with someone other than you? Emotional cheating is very serious and destroys relationships. You wouldn't be able to trust him to be emotionally faithful to you knowing what he did in his last relationship. He needs to handle his business with his girlfriend, by working out their problems, or letting her go. It seems as though he is having his cake and eating it too. He's probably getting what he wants from her physically, and getting what he wants from you emotionally.

 

[Theo]

How do you know it is strained?

Well, it has to be. Besides the fact that he's told me (and I do realize that he could be telling me anything), there is no way a long-distance relationship in medical school could not be strained. And strained does not necessarily mean bad. They are just in a difficult situation right now. I do have other friends who are in similar situations, and they have said the same thing. I really feel like it would be better for them if they could talk and see each other more frequently, but circumstances don't allow that so.... *shrugs*

Put yourself in his girlfriends' shoes. How would you feel if your SO was having intimate conversations with someone other than you? Emotional cheating is very serious and destroys relationships. You wouldn't be able to trust him to be emotionally faithful to you knowing what he did in his last relationship. He needs to handle his business with his girlfriend, by working out their problems, or letting her go. It seems as though he is having his cake and eating it too. He's probably getting what he wants from her physically, and getting what he wants from you emotionally.

Lol @ intimate conversations. I don't think its gotten to that point yet, but I think it could if we kept dong what we're doing for another couple of months or so. So I see what you're saying. Like I said, I feel like the problems in their relationships are primarily due to the distance.

Also, he's not getting anything, from anyone physically (at least as far as I know). Like I said, its a long distance relationship and they haven't seen each other since school started. So I may be feeling that emotional void, but that physical void remains empty!

Its weird how this stuff plays out in movies though. Like it happens in movies all the time, but for some reason, it doesn't seem that bad you know. Its the first time I've ever experienced something like this, and there is nothing cute or romantic about it at all. lol.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Well, it has to be. Besides the fact that he's told me (and I do realize that he could be telling me anything), there is no way a long-distance relationship in medical school could not be strained. And strained does not necessarily mean bad. They are just in a difficult situation right now. I do have other friends who are in similar situations, and they have said the same thing. I really feel like it would be better for them if they could talk and see each other more frequently, but circumstances don't allow that so.... *shrugs*



Lol @ intimate conversations. I don't think its gotten to that point yet, but I think it could if we kept dong what we're doing for another couple of months or so. So I see what you're saying. Like I said, I feel like the problems in their relationships are primarily due to the distance.

Also, he's not getting anything, from anyone physically (at least as far as I know). Like I said, its a long distance relationship and they haven't seen each other since school started. So I may be feeling that emotional void, but that physical void remains empty!

Its weird how this stuff plays out in movies though. Like it happens in movies all the time, but for some reason, it doesn't seem that bad you know. Its the first time I've ever experienced something like this, and there is nothing cute or romantic about it at all. lol.

If there isn't anything physically going on with either one of you, perhaps he's trying to figure out by talking to you, which one he wants to be with?

 

[Theo]

If there isn't anything physically going on with either one of you, perhaps he's trying to figure out by talking to you, which one he wants to be with?

Eh... who knows. After thinking about it, talking to a friend, and reading some of the responses in this thread, I'm now certain that I do not want to enter pursue a relationship with him. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm not trying to be some kind of emotional harlot lol.

 

[aribell]

I feel the same way. I have never been in a situation like this before, but I know I don't want to be in a relationship that started off with dishonesty. I guess the gray area comes in that although there's nothing wrong happening, there's no way we can do things right, so you might as well just walk away I guess.

I understand personally the confusion of a situation like this, and it's great that you're committed to acting honorably. And since you said that the "chemistry" you feel is likely caused primarily by the close studying and the stress, then walking away might be for the best anyway.

If there isn't anything physically going on with either one of you, perhaps he's trying to figure out by talking to you, which one he wants to be with?

That seems very possible.

Eh... who knows. After thinking about it, talking to a friend, and reading some of the responses in this thread, I'm now certain that I do not want to enter pursue a relationship with him. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm not trying to be some kind of emotional harlot lol.

I think that you should cut both of you all some slack. For those who would be critical of him because he expressed his feelings for you to another friend, I'd ask what else he was supposed to do. It's not wrong to develop feelings for someone else when you're not married. It happens, and there likely wasn't anything he could do to prevent that. So talking about it with a friend while trying to figure out what decision he wanted to make actually makes a lot of sense (couldn't you just see a thread on here that says, "HELP!--I'm in a relationship, but I'm falling for someone else"). So, he needs to take care of his relationship and figure out what's going on in his mind and heart. But you are probably wise to guard your own heart.

 

[Farida]

How do you recognize emotional infidelity?

IMO, the biggest thing is secrecy. If any conversations/associations you have with each other you wouldn't do in front of his girl, or you'd feel uncomfortable if she found out about it. Basically you would rather she didn't.

It is easier said than done, but I wouldn't get involved with him. Knowing how our relationship started would plague me. I would never trust him. I have a hard enough trusting a good man who talks with women all the time, let alone one who started dating me that way. At least he hasn't said anything to you, but it doesn't sit well with me.

 

[Theo]

How do you recognize emotional infidelity?

IMO, the biggest thing is secrecy. If any conversations/associations you have with each other you wouldn't do in front of his girl, or you'd feel uncomfortable if she found out about it. Basically you would rather she didn't.

It is easier said than done, but I wouldn't get involved with him. Knowing how our relationship started would plague me. I would never trust him. I have a hard enough trusting a good man who talks with women all the time, let alone one who started dating me that way. At least he hasn't said anything to you, but it doesn't sit well with me.

Yup.

I think the best thing for me to do is to just spend more time on other stuff, rather than to try to spend less time with him. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Paradox]

same situation....
I sort of banished myself away from him, especially when last time he came late to dinner, I just left him there.
bastard.

 

[tiara76]

I understand personally the confusion of a situation like this, and it's great that you're committed to acting honorably. And since you said that the "chemistry" you feel is likely caused primarily by the close studying and the stress, then walking away might be for the best anyway.



That seems very possible.



I think that you should cut both of you all some slack. For those who would be critical of him because he expressed his feelings for you to another friend, I'd ask what else he was supposed to do. It's not wrong to develop feelings for someone else when you're not married. It happens, and there likely wasn't anything he could do to prevent that. So talking about it with a friend while trying to figure out what decision he wanted to make actually makes a lot of sense (couldn't you just see a thread on here that says, "HELP!--I'm in a relationship, but I'm falling for someone else"). So, he needs to take care of his relationship and figure out what's going on in his mind and heart. But you are probably wise to guard your own heart.

I agree....were all human and he just may not be happy and content where he is and is feeling a pull to leave....most people don't realize what they are missing in their lives until a situation/person comes into it and provides something more than what they have.....its not uncommon people move and grow from people and experiences mainly due to new ones that come along even if they are still in a previous one....if they were where they wanted to be, they wouldnt be easily "tempted" nor really confused about their feelings... if they can be honest with themselves and others and not plagued by selfishness, guilt and/or obligation to another vs going for something more suiting to them it can be something not so bad

he would just have to make a choice....either make it known to his girl he wants to see other people or break it off with her completely before I would think of pursuing something with him further...if he can't operate from a place of honesty with all parties involved including himself then its best we leave it alone

 

[treybaby2005]

same situation....
I sort of banished myself away from him, especially when last time he came late to dinner, I just left him there.
bastard.

Why was he a bastard?Did you not know he was involved?

 

[Paradox]

Why was he a bastard?Did you not know he was involved?

too much to explain.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

So I'm confused. Could you get involved with someone who left another relationship to be with you? Is there ever an appropriate way of going about something like that? Anybody ever experienced anything like that? How did it work out?

Is it a bad idea and should I just stay away? Or continue our friendship and see where it goes? Can any good come of it?

What are the odds of finding a man who is NOT in another relationship? It would be inappropriate only if he were married or engaged. I think the way you are handling it and taking care of your feelings is good. You're not trying to "steal" him away seduce him. Good for you, because that is something I have found hard not to do in the past.

 

[tiara76]

What are the odds of finding a man who is NOT in another relationship? It would be inappropriate only if he were married or engaged. I think the way you are handling it and taking care of your feelings is good. You're not trying to "steal" him away seduce him. Good for you, because that is something I have found hard not to do in the past.

I agree...it boils down to people simply acting in honest ways vs dishonest ways in dealing with situations...even people who are married....there are some who don't want to be with the person they are with.....but there is always a choice to be made...I personally won't make it easy for somebody to be purposely selfish, purposely deceive somebody else....if thats not where they want to be then they need to be unselfish enough, honest and man/woman enough to let others have their freedom if they wan't theirs or want to explore other options


that way everybody involved have clear choices they can make based on honesty instead of disillusionment, obligation, lies or fear