Does This Make Me A Bad Person?

LadyBlu

LadyBlu

New Member
OK Ladies, here's the deal. I was introduced to a guy about a year ago, but when I met him, I was at the end of a terrible marriage, and I wasn't even THINKING about getting to know anyone. Notice I said I was introduced to this guy...

Anyway, his actions pretty much let me know that he liked me (daily texts, phone calls from the West Coast, flowers, etc), so I put the brakes on it telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship coming out of a marriage and that I didn't do long distance. He said he understood and we basically just communicated via text every now and then (holidays).

Well, I went to the West Coast with some friends for New Year's and he and some of his friends met up with us. We all hung out and had a great time, but now the daily texts have started again.

This is my issue and the reason for my title. This guy is REALLY nice. He treated me and my friends like royalty the whole time we were out. He's the most considerate, sweetest person I have ever met. To top things off, he's GAINFULLY employed...first class, top shelf all the way. The thing is...he's really overweight.

I know it's what on the inside that counts, but...

I feel terrible even typing this. He's already told me he wants to spend more time with me (alone this time), but I don't want to lead the guy on, and I don't want to keep hanging out with him and spending his money if he thinks things are heading in a different direction.

I want to be honest with him and let him know that there could never be more than friendship between us, but if he asks why I don't want to say "You're Too Fat". I was married to an overweight guy, and I know the downsides of that first hand (let's just say I wasn't in any danger of getting pregnant). Am I just being way too superficial?
 
Regardless of the reasons why you aren't feeling him, you have a right to feel whatever you please. You dont have to tell him that you dont like him because he's too fat. There's a more tactful way of doing those things. The only time when you would be dead wrong is if you allow this guy to continue spending cash on you, knowing what his true intentions are, while knowing for a fact that you aren't feeling him. In that case, its being a user and nobody likes that. Spending time with him in the capacity of allowing him to wine & dine you and your friends is leading him on.
 
I am changing my response to what I originally wrote b/c a guy's morbid obesity would turn me off as well :(
 
Last edited:
I believe that physical attraction is important, so I don't think it makes you're a bad person at all. I agree with Brown, though, that you shouldn't lead him on. Be honest with him that you don't see him being more than a friend (he doesn't necessarily need to to know the exact reason, but if he insists, tell him the chemistry isn't there, which it isn't).

If he can handle just being a friend, cool. Y'all can continue to hang. If not, then you both can just go your separate ways.
 
Physical attraction is important. If you don't have it, you can't force it. Some people don't like skinny folk, so you don't have to like fat folk.
 
MzLady78 said:
I believe that physical attraction is important, so I don't think it makes you're a bad person at all. I agree with Brown, though, that you shouldn't lead him on. Be honest with him that you don't see him being more than a friend (he doesn't necessarily need to to know the exact reason, but if he insists, tell him the chemistry isn't there, which it isn't).

If he can handle just being a friend, cool. Y'all can continue to hang. If not, then you both can just go your separate ways.
Click to expand...

I agree with MzLady's answer. You don;t have to tell him why, just don't lead him on. You have a right to like what you like.
 
ITA with the posts. I don't want to hurt the guy, so I'll be honest with him. I like the chemistry comment. I think that's a little softer approach. Thanks!
 
ITA, there is no need to tell him that he is too FAT for you...but you do need to attracted to person to make the relationship work!

Many overweight people may be hurt by this reality, but most men would be the first to tell you that he need to "like" what he sees before he even "checks" out her personality!
 
You're not a bad person, but please don't continue to let this guy think there can be something between you two, when you know that it's not going to go any farther. Let him go so that he can meet someone who doesn't mind that he's overweight.
 
Browndilocks said:
Regardless of the reasons why you aren't feeling him, you have a right to feel whatever you please. You dont have to tell him that you dont like him because he's too fat. There's a more tactful way of doing those things. The only time when you would be dead wrong is if you allow this guy to continue spending cash on you, knowing what his true intentions are, while knowing for a fact that you aren't feeling him. In that case, its being a user and nobody likes that. Spending time with him in the capacity of allowing him to wine & dine you and your friends is leading him on.
Click to expand...

True Story - you don't owe him anything just becasue he's obese! please. you guys can be friends, end of story

Also, I don't think it's necessary to tell him that's why youre not feelin him. Just do it qucikly- he's still on the west coast, rihgt?
 
You don't sound like a bad person at all, and you're not too superficial. You're not attracted to him and you don't have to go out with him because he's nice and he happens to like you. Respectfully let him know that you're not interested in dating him and if he's that nice of a person, he won't give you a hard time about it.

Now, if you go out with him and spend his money knowing that you're not into him, you have to know that you're being grimey :yep:. But since you're questioning it in the first place - it seems like you are considerate and wouldn't feel comfortable taking advantage of him.

I know women are socialized to be polite, sweet, selfless etc., but you don't have to consider dating anyone you're not attracted to. Do you think men feel guilty about passing up the girls they think are too fat, homely, short, frumpy etc? I haven't met any who are worrying about hurting Big Bertha's feelings. Don't waste your time or his by leading him on.
 
LadyBlu said:
OK Ladies, here's the deal. I was introduced to a guy about a year ago, but when I met him, I was at the end of a terrible marriage, and I wasn't even THINKING about getting to know anyone. Notice I said I was introduced to this guy...

Anyway, his actions pretty much let me know that he liked me (daily texts, phone calls from the West Coast, flowers, etc), so I put the brakes on it telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship coming out of a marriage and that I didn't do long distance. He said he understood and we basically just communicated via text every now and then (holidays).

Well, I went to the West Coast with some friends for New Year's and he and some of his friends met up with us. We all hung out and had a great time, but now the daily texts have started again.

This is my issue and the reason for my title. This guy is REALLY nice. He treated me and my friends like royalty the whole time we were out. He's the most considerate, sweetest person I have ever met. To top things off, he's GAINFULLY employed...first class, top shelf all the way. The thing is...he's really overweight.

I know it's what on the inside that counts, but...

I feel terrible even typing this. He's already told me he wants to spend more time with me (alone this time), but I don't want to lead the guy on, and I don't want to keep hanging out with him and spending his money if he thinks things are heading in a different direction.

I want to be honest with him and let him know that there could never be more than friendship between us, but if he asks why I don't want to say "You're Too Fat". I was married to an overweight guy, and I know the downsides of that first hand (let's just say I wasn't in any danger of getting pregnant). Am I just being way too superficial?
Click to expand...

You are not a bad person. You have the right to decide what kind of men you want to be romantically involved with. If you want the total package (ie looks, intellect, high morals, humor, finances, etc..) that is your right. Just make sure you have the qualities that would attract such a man. Personally I wouldn't date an overweight man either. Being fat is a lifestyle choice I'm not interested in. He doesn't take care of himself (unless there is some underline medical issue). Anyway don't feel bad. You have the right to be picky. Enjoy being single until you find the type of man who tickles your fancy.
 
LadyBlu said:
ITA with the posts. I don't want to hurt the guy, so I'll be honest with him. I like the chemistry comment. I think that's a little softer approach. Thanks!
Click to expand...

The fact that you care shows that you are a nice person. You don't have to explain your preference to anyone. There is a man out there with the same qualities and he isn't fat. Go for it. Don't apologize for being picky and knowing what you want! Just don't lead the guy on and explain that you are only interested in friendship.
 
MuseofTroy said:
Men don't make concessions about who they date so neither should you girl. Do you!
Click to expand...

Okay!

I guarantee if the situation was reversed, he'd probably have no qualms about letting you know.

And he probably wouldn't be as nice about it as you, LOL.
 
No, it doesn't make you a bad person. We all have our preferences. I'm sure it isn't the first time he's been turned down because of his weight.
 
MzLady78 said:
Okay!

I guarantee if the situation was reversed, he'd probably have no qualms about letting you know.

And he probably wouldn't be as nice about it as you, LOL.
Click to expand...
Bingo. And men aren't the only ones who have a right to want someone who's attractive on the inside and the outside.
 
I know women are socialized to be polite, sweet, selfless etc.,
Click to expand...
co-sign:yep:

but..frankly I'm glad I was....as that STILL can co-exist with personal preference and choice
so...to a man one does not want regardless of money ..gentlemanly manners etc a woman GETS TO CHOOSE and say yes or NO

in a polite sweet selfess way..of course:grin:
 
I agree there should be a physical attraction in a relationship. It may be best if you let him know, of course in a gentle way. Letting him know you appreciate his company and his kindness and you appreciate him "like a brother" or even say just as friends, then perhaps he will begin to understand and not allow himself to get his hopes up about a relationship.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

ALWAYZL8
Make the next move?
Replies
16
Views
272
ALWAYZL8
ALWAYZL8
G
New To Dating! What Do You Ladies Think About This?
Replies
14
Views
605
GraceJones
G
mscurly
Why does this keep happening to me?
2
Replies
33
Views
2K
crazytrish75
crazytrish75
loolalooh
This Guy Stands Me Up and Texts Me A Month Later
Replies
25
Views
869
MizAvalon
MizAvalon
Enyo
"Make Me A Plate!"
Replies
24
Views
962
LoveisYou
L
Back
Top