Do You Think Men Really Change?

[WonderGirl2U]

I have known my college sweetheart for years. Over the years, we've hurt each other and broken up and gotten back together. It seems like he's more mature now, and he is starting conversations about a possible future together- marriage, house, and kids.

I love him, no one else. But my question is, do men really change? Is it possible he has really outgrown some of the negative traits he displayed when we were younger? Or is it just wishful thinking to think a man really changes?

What are your thoughts?

 

[CaraWalker]

i think men can grow, if they want to, but not change.

 

[lux10023]

Yes i do think ppl change, grow up and mature butttttttttttttt

i think actions speak louder than words....
most important you show him you've changed in that you will not allow him to treat you how he has in the past, you value yourself and you deserve the best man he can be!

lets his actions speak to his change...if he has evolved into a man you can see yourself settling down with then so be it..but his change since you know him so well has to be backed up 100000% in his actions....

good luck.

 

[Ajna]

I totally think people can change male or female, but change is a bit of a relative term. Is it a true change of behavior or did they replace it with something else? For example I am a smoker, now I do not currently smoke but I do run 30 miles a week if I don't run I would probably go back to smoking - so did I change? Not really smoking was a tool for me to breath in and out to relax I just replaced it with something that does the same thing but is much more beneficial - see what I mean?
The next question is what are you willing to tolerate? And while you love this man there is another question can you grow both together and independently?
Its fine not to have answers to these questions take your time be together figure it out and enjoy yourself in the process if one day you feel this is not for you then respect his feelings and move on.
Good luck!

 

[God_Favor]

Yes. We all have the ability , but very few are strong enough to make that complete shift. I think most will grow and mature in some way tho.

Are you able to give him a chance with a clean slate ? Are you able to walk away if you discover he is still on that bullish?

 

[CaraWalker]

idk. im growing a lot but who I am in a very fundamental way that informs my choices and feelings has not at its core changed.

 

[pinkness27]

I don't think ppl in general change. I always catch ppl slipping up and letting that same habit come out after 2-3 months.

 

[WonderGirl2U]

I'm nervous because it wasn't that long ago that he was doing foolish things. If he couldn't handle a mature relationship a year ago, I'm not sure he can handle one now. It's a hard decision to make when you genuinely care about the person, but I do want to be happy.

 

[Sosoothing]

Change after a year?
It's really hard to say IMO. It also depends on what the issues were. Some things can be changed as someone grows or when they make a sincere choice to do things differently after getting negative results. Other things don't change so much.

 

[WonderGirl2U]

Change after a year?
It's really hard to say IMO. It also depends on what the issues were. Some things can be changed as someone grows or when they make a sincere choice to do things differently after getting negative results. Other things don't change so much.

Well another issue is that being together involves huge sacrifice on my part- moving where he is when I already have a successful career where I am that took years to build. And he makes a good salary, but I earn a bit more than he does (not that it matters that much, just stating facts).

So for me, considering the fact that he was acting immaturely and didn't always behave appropriately, it makes it hard for me to pick up everything to move to be with him just on the strength that he *said* he changed.

He has recently purchased a very nice home- and I could have a child and stay home for a year or so, but I don't know. He has not been the best behaved, so I don't know if it's worth the risk. I didn't get an education then work hard to have a successful career to give it up for someone who may potentially be a disappointment. This feels risky...and I hate risks which is why I'm in a traditional profession and enjoy the benefits and retirement plan and 401k option.

ETA: Getting careers and locations aligned can be hard. I didn't really foresee this when I was in school.

 

[Ajna]

Well another issue is that being together involves huge sacrifice on my part- moving where he is when I already have a successful career where I am that took years to build. And he makes a good salary, but I earn a bit more than he does (not that it matters that much, just stating facts).

So for me, considering the fact that he was acting immaturely and didn't always behave appropriately, it makes it hard for me to pick up everything to move to be with him just on the strength that he *said* he changed.

He has recently purchased a very nice home- and I could have a child and stay home for a year or so, but I don't know. He has not been the best behaved, so I don't know if it's worth the risk. I didn't get an education then work hard to have a successful career to give it up for someone who may potentially be a disappointment. This feels risky...and I hate risks which is why I'm in a traditional profession and enjoy the benefits and retirement plan and 401k option.

ETA: Getting careers and locations aligned can be hard. I didn't really foresee this when I was in school.

Is there any reason why you have to decide now?
Sounds like you are not quite ready

As for careers and locations totally agree generally speaking someone needs to sacrifice

 

[WonderGirl2U]

Is there any reason why you have to decide now?
Sounds like you are not quite ready

As for careers and locations totally agree generally speaking someone needs to sacrifice

No, there's no rush. The topic came up and caused me to think about it seriously. I'd like to know in general what my future plans are- and I'm at an age where kids can't be put off too much longer - I should have a child within the next 4 years or so.

 

[Ajna]

No, there's no rush. The topic came up and caused me to think about it seriously. I'd like to know in general what my future plans are- and I'm at an age where kids can't be put off too much longer - I should have a child within the next 4 years or so.

Sorry but it just sounds like you are trying to force yourself into a decision your heart is not yet willing to make. It sounds like there has been some change if you two are having the conversation and he brought a house BUT it also sounds like you do not quite believe he has your best interests at heart. My advice would be the same give it some time maybe six months maybe a year then see how you feel. Kids and a crappy marriage sucks for all parties and that is what is really at stake right?

 

[WonderGirl2U]

Sorry but it just sounds like you are trying to force yourself into a decision your heart is not yet willing to make. It sounds like there has been some change if you two are having the conversation and he brought a house BUT it also sounds like you do not quite believe he has your best interests at heart. My advice would be the same give it some time maybe six months maybe a year then see how you feel. Kids and a crappy marriage sucks for all parties and that is what is really at stake right?

I guess you're right. I'm not really sold, and I haven't told him. But he did say he wanted to take things slowly, so maybe I'm worried for nothing. I'll just wait and see. But I do have to be open to dating others because time doesn't wait.

 

[Ajna]

I guess you're right. I'm not really sold, and I haven't told him. But he did say he wanted to take things slowly, so maybe I'm worried for nothing. I'll just wait and see. But I do have to be open to dating others because time doesn't wait for anyone or anything.

Maybe and maybe not, perhaps keeping a journal might be useful just to help your sort through your feelings. Be careful bringing new people into the picture, it can be difficult to see what is a problem vs what is new and shiny. It sounds like you have a good guy but figuring out how to grow together and repair past hurts is a tough road. In the meantime allow yourself to be loved and cherished, I am quite sure you are worth it.
Best of luck to you!!

 

[WonderGirl2U]

Maybe and maybe not, perhaps keeping a journal might be useful just to help your sort through your feelings. Be careful bringing new people into the picture, it can be difficult to see what is a problem vs what is new and shiny. It sounds like you have a good guy but figuring out how to grow together and repair past hurts is a tough road. In the meantime allow yourself to be loved and cherished, I am quite sure you are worth it.
Best of luck to you!!

Thank you!

 

[Ajna]

Thank you!

Anytime!

 

[Sosoothing]

Well another issue is that being together involves huge sacrifice on my part- moving where he is when I already have a successful career where I am that took years to build. And he makes a good salary, but I earn a bit more than he does (not that it matters that much, just stating facts).

So for me, considering the fact that he was acting immaturely and didn't always behave appropriately, it makes it hard for me to pick up everything to move to be with him just on the strength that he *said* he changed.

He has recently purchased a very nice home- and I could have a child and stay home for a year or so, but I don't know. He has not been the best behaved, so I don't know if it's worth the risk. I didn't get an education then work hard to have a successful career to give it up for someone who may potentially be a disappointment. This feels risky...and I hate risks which is why I'm in a traditional profession and enjoy the benefits and retirement plan and 401k option.

ETA: Getting careers and locations aligned can be hard. I didn't really foresee this when I was in school.

Doubt means don't.
Don't do anything as long as you are unsure.
Based on the words you use to describe his past actions, I would forget about him if I were you.
Also it sounds as though if you believed you had enough time to have children, you wouldn't be considering him. Much can happen in 4 years and you can find someone else.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I wouldn't move for someone who's pissed me around as recently as a year ago, no. Especially with that good situation you have built for yourself.

Are you dating?

 

[WonderGirl2U]

I wouldn't move for someone who's pissed me around as recently as a year ago, no. Especially with that good situation you have built for yourself.

Are you dating?

I will start seriously dating soon (i.e., dating for marriage, not just to have fun).