Do you have many male friends?

[Glib Gurl]

I'm realizing that one thing that hinders me in my dating life is that I really don't have any male friends. I mean, other than my dad and my brother, there aren't any guys that I communicate with on a regular basis. And since my dad and brother are mostly inclined to "tell it like it is," I don't necessarily have the greatest opinion of men . . . it's interesting because on another messageboard I visit, whenever I complain about men, they jump down IN my throat and are quick to defend men in general. Here's a sample . . .

See, not ALL men are like that, and you can't assume that they all are or you will come across as defensive and harsh, and the nice ones will run the other way. My husband is not like that. Most of the guys I've dated have not been like that. I bet, in the dozens and dozens of guys I've been out with, looking back I can think of maybe 3 who used tactics like that. And at the time I didn't think they were calculated tactics; maybe they weren't. I just thought they were jerks and ended things accordingly.

And the comment that sparked my thread here:

I understand being jaded after bad experiences, but "men suck" is just plain old bigotry. My husband, brother-in-law, bandmates, co-workers, musical colleages and friends certainly do not suck.

So yeah. Maybe the solution is to surround myself by non-jerky guys that I'm not trying to date to cultivate friendships. Hmmmm . . . .

 

[qchelle]

Not a lot...but that certainly doesn't hinder my dating life

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I have some male friends but none that are really close, although I'd like one. My problem is that guys who become my close friends end up wanting to date me (unless they're gay lol) and when I don't feel the same way the friendship ends. It's actually kinda frustrating lol.

 

[phynestone]

I thought I had male friends. Each one of them has been interested in me. I have one male acquaintance now, and I keep him at a distance. It doesn't work for me.

 

[Ashleescheveux]

I have male friends and theres no physical attraction between myself and most of them. We keep it 100 with each other and that has given me a lot more insight on men than I had before. It doesnt hurt to engage with guys in a platonic manner.

 

[lea86111]

i tend to have one close guy friend at a time. They ALL liked me (except for one who had dated my sister at some point) the one i'm close to right now says he loves me we've known each other for years and when i dated an ex he slowly disappeared cause he couldnt take it

 

[MissJ]

In my experience, most men who want to be your friend are just waiting for their chance to pounce.

 

[Godyssey]

I had lot's of very close male friends before I met my husband. However, he doesn't go for that so I had to let them go. I wish I still had male friends, but then I think that I wouldn't be happy if my husband was friends with women so...

I will agree (as does my husband, hence our rule) that guys who befriend women are just waiting for an opening. I feel it's such a shame though. Why does it always have to be about sex with them?

 

[yeahisaidit]

I never wanted to believe it, but I'm now realizing that male/female friendships don't work out. Every male friend I've ever had ended up falling in love with me and wanting more.

 

[chickle]

i have a completely platonic friendship with this guy, he even tells me about girls he likes. I think any straight man who has a close female friend will want to have sex with her at one point, but they won't always necessarily want to be in a relationship with that friend. It is all about establishing boundaries. My roommate has tons of guy friends, but they told her they only see her as a "n--ga"

 

[ebonylocs]

I don't currently have any close male friends, but I have had in the past. I don't think *every* guy who befriends a girl eventually wants to get with her. Maybe only hot girls have that problem. And maybe it takes a special kind of guy. I know a couple of guys right now that I could probably become close to but they don't have any sexual interest in me and vice versa.

Anyway, I don't think not having male friends should really impact your dating life at all, although having them may give you a different perspective on men.

 

[LivingDol1]

i don't have many male friends. my father and brother are the males i am closest to. i have a few guy friends that i am close to. 2 that i communicate with on a regular basis(they are gay), and a few that i've known for most of my life but they live in my hometown so we don't communicate on a frequent basis.

like MissJ said, most men who are your friend are probably waiting to pursue you... or tried to and failed so a friendship is the best they can get.

i don't surround myself with jerky guys. hence why i have so few male friends. i hae always made it known to friends of mine who have boyfriends, or to their boyfriends directly, that i'm looking to date and i want a set up or introduction. no results have come from that. my friends' boyfriends say that they don't have any guy friends, and of the ones they have they are taken and the left overs aren't decent guys.

i don't really think having male friends will make your dating life any easier. i have a friend who has a ton of guy friends and she's very much a tomboy. most of her guy friends are guys who wanted to date or hook up with her at some point. she's had lots of fall outs with guys over this... so it's not like anyone she's dating is ever looking past the surface or is thinking about the long term.

 

[Theo]

i have many male friends. mostly from school/work. i think its helped my dating life. they can be soooo complimentary and sweet and very honest. they always tell me how awesome i am. being around them is such a confidence boost lol. and many of them are in relationships so there's no romantic tension or anything.

 

[Duchesse]

Only gay ones. If I need male advice I have brothers, cousins, and my sis' boyfriend. I have zero desire to have a man as my friend unles he's my "man".

 

[song_of_serenity]

Only one! And that one has hindered a few guys because they get JEALOUS OF THAT ONE FRIEND. Ugh.
But beyond that one, nope.

 

[NYAmicas]

My close male friends are the reason I dont write guys off as a waste of time. I'd date them if I was attracted to them.

 

[FlowerHair]

I voted no, but I forgot about my brothers. I don't see my brothers as my friends, they are closer than friends because we're family. I love my brothers and we talk about everything.

I don't have any male friends at all, unless you count my friends' husbands and boyfriends and my own ex boyfriend. I don't have any problems getting along with men at work and I do make friends with them there, but I don't hang out with men.

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

Nope. They always have an ulterior motive...

I think Chris explained it the best when he said, your male friends are just a d!ck in a jar, and they hoping you open it one day

 

[ParagonTresses]

My best friend is actually my ex boyfriend...we were more like "friends" then bf/gf the entire time we dated anyway. We can talk to each other about our love interests and I appreciate his perspective on things. We do have boundaries and to me that's important. For instance, there's no sleeping over at each others house, no sex, and no secrets from our SO (like that we went out for lunch, etc). If/when one of us does find a life partner we know that our friendship must end, b/c this form of intimacy/closeness is reserved for a spouse, IMO...

 

[Imani]

Ive always had mostly male friends as far as I can remember even in preschool. i have generally just always been more comfortable around males for some reason.

I had been tryin to get more female friends in recent years, but it hard bc most ladies in their late twenties already have their established friendships. So I kinda gave up, lol. Especially since I'm not in the city I want to settle in anyway.

 

[Glib Gurl]

In my experience, most men who want to be your friend are just waiting for their chance to pounce.

I had lot's of very close male friends before I met my husband. However, he doesn't go for that so I had to let them go. I wish I still had male friends, but then I think that I wouldn't be happy if my husband was friends with women so...

I will agree (as does my husband, hence our rule) that guys who befriend women are just waiting for an opening. I feel it's such a shame though. Why does it always have to be about sex with them?

Nope. They always have an ulterior motive...

I think Chris explained it the best when he said, your male friends are just a d!ck in a jar, and they hoping you open it one day

Yikes. Maybe THAT is why I have no male friends. *shrug*

 

[SincerelyJouet]

I have way more guy friends then I do girl friends. A lot of my guy friends have hit on me and do flirt with me but KNOW they have no chance with me. EVER! Once they get shut down, they respect the fact that I'm not easy and later realize that a friendship with me is more important. I have at least 4 female close friends who don't know each other. I'm not one for the girly gossip and cat fights. I've never been betrayed by any of my female friends because of this. Not to mention, I'm really not that sociable. LOL.

 

[Godyssey]

I have way more guy friends then I do girl friends. A lot of my guy friends have hit on me and do flirt with me but KNOW they have no chance with me. EVER! Once they get shut down, they respect the fact that I'm not easy and later realize that a friendship with me is more important. I have at least 4 female close friends who don't know each other. I'm not one for the girly gossip and cat fights. I've never been betrayed by any of my female friends because of this. Not to mention, I'm really not that sociable. LOL.

Well you're lucky. I had my heart broken really badly in highscool. I was friends with a boy who I really liked, but just as a friend. Our personalities were so similar. I was even thinking that it would be cool if we could be roomates after we graduated. Then, after doing one day, what in hindsigt was being the biggest tease ever, but honestly didn't realize it. He said he wanted to be my boyfriend. I was so taken aback and shocked. I thought he was a great friend and I wanted to keep it just that.

Once I turned him down, he was DONE with me. He used to lend me his sweatshirts and things. He wanted everything back. We'd use eachothers lockers from time to time. He wanted all of my things out of his locker. We no longer ate lunch together. I was so hurt. I'd had two other experiences similar to that afterwards.

Although I like guys because they're much more mellow and see things differently than women, which makes them intersting to me. I would never befriend one again. Even guys I'd work with would eventually want to be more than friends. Which again, would make things so akward because we HAD to see eachother everyday, but our entire friendship dynamic was painfully changed. Although, the last guy still wanted to be friends, it was weird knowing that he had other things (things I didn't even want to think about) on his mind.

This whole topic leads me to wonder. What do men really think of us that they can drop you as a friend, just because you aren't putting out. What does that mean about me? And I know I'm a good person, fun to be with, etc. However to them, none of that matters apparently.

 

[MissJ]

It means they never wanted to be just your friend but settled for that and hoped for more.

I know once I went to a guy friend's apartment. I thought he was my friend. Anyway, he started finding excuses to sit beside me on the couch. Then he asked if he could touch my back. He started trying to massage my shoulders, and I moved forward out of his way. Then he was like, "I do that to all my friends. Well, all my female friends." By that time I was thinking, "What kind of friends do you have?"

I was even more shocked when he made his "move." I kept asking him if he had been drinking. His reply, "NO, I WANTED TO DO THAT!"

He had asked me out before. I turned him down, so he stuck around in the friendzone waiting for a moment of weakness or a moment of dumbness on my part. At the time, I didn't know that if you went to a guy's place, it meant that it's about to go down, even if your purpose for being there is school-related!

 

[brg240]

Not many but a couple, if anything it's my friends who give me a negative view of men. My dad and bros and I have a great relationship, they are the reasons my standards are crazy high. All of my close male friends either fall in love with me or want to have sex with me eventually. :/ Then when that doesn't happen the relationship falls off. :/

Some of my male acquaitences are cool though, of course we're not actually friends so.

 

[MissJ]

Men discussing this topic: Relationships The Men Confess Part II 10/26/2010 - Sharvette - Radio | Internet Radio | Blog Talk Radio

 

[zzirvingj]

This whole topic leads me to wonder. What do men really think of us that they can drop you as a friend, just because you aren't putting out. What does that mean about me? And I know I'm a good person, fun to be with, etc. However to them, none of that matters apparently.

Are they really 'dropping you' because you aren't 'putting out'? That says alot about a guy, and nothing about you. If a guy doesn't want you in his life because you won't have sex with him, then great, he's better off not being in your life.

Nobody likes rejection. If a guy decides he can't handle a purely platonic friendship with you, it could be that he is mature and knows he can't handle it and decides the best thing to do for both parties is to end it (hopefully in an amicable way). He could also be experiencing those feelings of rejection and hurt and just not be able to maintain anything with you after that sort of rejection.

 

[Godyssey]

zzirvingj, that was very eye opening! I'd always assumed that I was the one being rejected. I never realized it was possible that the guys felt the same way, seeing that I still wanted them in my life. Although, in the end, we were both rejects. I rejected them romantically and they rejected my friendship. I never figured that they suffered at all and the way I carry myself (I'm good for acting nonchalant) I doubt they knew I did either.

 

[Godyssey]

MissJ. Thanks for posting that link. I didn't listen to the entire episode but from what heard, the men are basically echoing what's been said on here. They rarely ever want to be just friends and wait for openings or "cracks in the door" as they called it.

 

[zzirvingj]

zzirvingj, that was very eye opening! I'd always assumed that I was the one being rejected. I never realized it was possible that the guys felt the same way, seeing that I still wanted them in my life. Although, in the end, we were both rejects. I rejected them romantically and they rejected my friendship. I never figured that they suffered at all and the way I carry myself (I'm good for acting nonchalant) I doubt they knew I did either.

I recently had an experience with a guy I was dating and he wanted us to move really fast and date exclusively. It all was happening way too quick and when I told him I was dating other people and wanted to take it a little slower he wasn't happy about it but eventually agreed to it because he had a choice of either dating me knowing that, or he was probably not going to be able to handle having me around at all...

So about a month later, dude disappears off the face of the earth! No lie...and I'm not even all that surprised it happened. It was rude, but to make a long story short, he couldn't handle it if he didn't feel we were going to progress and possibly become something in the future. I don't respect how he did it but it is what it is *kanyeshrug*

And just the other day one of my closest guy friends told me he loved me. He'd confessed his love for me years ago, but I kinda thought the feelings had subsided or...whatever. I don't know. But yeah, he came out with it again. It's sad because I don't feel the same way and I feel almost guilty that I don't but enjoy having our friendship still. He said to me that "sometimes keeping me as a friend involved a little bit of suffering on his part"....