Do you foresee issues...?

[chickle]

I am 20 and this guy I am seeing is 31. He is very successful, spiritual, hardworking, college educated and marriage minded. I am spiritual and all that, but I am still in college with no car and far from successful. I am currently working as a waitress for the summer, but he has his own self run business. He says he really likes me, but I just don't feel like I measure up. I don't think I will be marriage minded for a while (I have never even brought a guy home to meet the parents) and I don't really feel like I can totally be goofy around him (I like to get ignorant every now and then..but it is all joking)

We talk about a lot of things, like the issues with society and how we are both abstaining from sex (which is refreshing to me, college guys always think of it as a challenge when I say I am a virgin). Me and this guy have only hugged which is great...but at the same time I have not been in a lot of relationships so I am not sure about this.

Should I let him go?

 

[kandake]

I personally think he's too old for you. If you were my little sister or my niece I would discourage the relationship. However, if I were to be objective I would say that there's no immediate reason to let him go. But, you should probably have a talk with him about where you are in life and what you want from your "relationship" with him. It seems like you just want to have fun for right now. He may feel the same way.

Also, you should address your feelings of inadequacy. You're still young and its expected that you wouldn't be as successful or as mature as someone 10 years your senior.

Scratch my earlier statement about not seeing a reason to let him go. Your feeling of inadequacy makes you vulnerable. With him being so much older, I'm sure he can see your vulnerability as clear as day. Older men prey on impressionable young women. This may not be the case for this man but I would keep my eyes and ears open.

If you continue on I would say be careful.

 

[chickle]

I personally think he's too old for you. If you were my little sister or my niece I would discourage the relationship. However, if I were to be objective I would say that there's no immediate reason to let him go. But, you should probably have a talk with him about where you are in life and what you want from your "relationship" with him. It seems like you just want to have fun for right now. He may feel the same way.

Also, you should address your feelings of inadequacy. You're still young and its expected that you wouldn't be as successful or as mature as someone 10 years your senior.

Scratch my earlier statement about not seeing a reason to let him go. Your feeling of inadequacy makes you vulnerable. With him being so much older, I'm sure he can see your vulnerability as clear as day. Older men prey on impressionable young women. This may not be the case for this man but I would keep my eyes and ears open.

If you continue on I would say be careful.

Thank you for this, I am definitely keeping my eyes open! We do have very similar values...I hope he is not trying to prey on me, I have been through enough this year, lol. He even talks about how women need to realize that they have the power and should respect themselves more.

I have made it clear that we are in a friendship, but he has already put his feelings out there and I am not trying to lead anyone on...but I do smile whenever I see his name on my caller ID

 

[janiebaby]

Nope, I think this is the perfect opportunity to be yourself and see how he reacts...if he leaves then great ...if he stays then even better

Don't shortchange yourself he probably wants to be with a great woman who's down to earth and attractive ...which is hard to come by...a little confidence doesn't hurt either....are you these things?

You do however, bring up a very real situation, so if the relationship does progress make sure you look for signs that he's serious...such as establishing a serious relationship with you and introducing you to his parents and incorporating you into his life...don't settle for lip service and don't let him talk his way into your pants...I know you said you guys are each separately waiting but uh.....yeah you heard what I said

Oh and looks for sign of insecurity in him (the age difference and you are young it's not like you're 30 and he's 40) and if he's controlling....

 

[Syrah]

Yea I foresee issues and might be a little curious about his motivations.

Flip the script for a second: 5 years from now you're a college grad making moves in your said profession, enjoying life and all that comes along with it. What would be the impetus for you dating a college sophomore working at Jamba Juice? What would you be getting out of it? I'm not knocking being a student and working while doing so (shoot, I've been there!) I'm just saying it doesn't quite add up.

That being said, I say be honest with him and then go forth and have fun! Go on some dates, have some nice dinners and just be upfront and honest with your motivations. He's a grown man - if he decides he doesn't want to participate, he can opt out. But if you enjoy being with him and you smile when you see his name in your caller id, there's no reason why you should stop.

 

[chickle]

Nope, I think this is the perfect opportunity to be yourself and see how he reacts...if he leaves then great ...if he stays then even better

Don't shortchange yourself he probably wants to be with a great woman who's down to earth and attractive ...which is hard to come by...a little confidence doesn't hurt either....are you these things?

You do however, bring up a very real situation, so if the relationship does progress make sure you look for signs that he's serious...such as establishing a serious relationship with you and introducing you to his parents and incorporating you into his life...don't settle for lip service and don't let him talk his way into your pants...I know you said you guys are each separately waiting but uh.....yeah you heard what I said

Oh and looks for sign of insecurity in him (the age difference and you are young it's not like you're 30 and he's 40) and if he's controlling....

I am pretty comfortable with my looks and he thinks I am beautiful and spiritual. He doesn't seem controlling and he is very caring. I did kind of joke around the other day and he went along with it and joked too (he is actually pretty funny) but I do have my moments..despite people always saying I am "very mature for my age".

 

[chickle]

Yea I foresee issues and might be a little curious about his motivations.

Flip the script for a second: 5 years from now you're a college grad making moves in your said profession, enjoying life and all that comes along with it. What would be the impetus for you dating a college sophomore working at Jamba Juice? What would you be getting out of it? I'm not knocking being a student and working while doing so (shoot, I've been there!) I'm just saying it doesn't quite add up.

That being said, I say be honest with him and then go forth and have fun! Go on some dates, have some nice dinners and just be upfront and honest with your motivations. He's a grown man - if he decides he doesn't want to participate, he can opt out. But if you enjoy being with him and you smile when you see his name in your caller id, there's no reason why you should stop.

I did think about that...I guess I thought it had to do with the past biological interaction between men and women (men chose women based on looks...the healthier looking, the better for childbirth and women chose men based on status and whether they could provide)

 

[Thiends]

Flip the script for a second: 5 years from now you're a college grad making moves in your said profession, enjoying life and all that comes along with it. What would be the impetus for you dating a college sophomore working at Jamba Juice? What would you be getting out of it? I'm not knocking being a student and working while doing so (shoot, I've been there!) I'm just saying it doesn't quite add up.

Exactly.

@chickle: I would say that you should listen to @Syrah, but I was once your age and dating an older man who gassed my head up with talk about how I was an "old soul" and "mature for my age". I did not listen to older people who knew what time it was with the fellow preying on me because smart as I was, I did not have the life experience to see through him. So, I am quite sure you cannot yet understand why this fellow's motives in dating a barely legal girl are screwy and I can only wish you luck. I hope you get out as unscathed as I did (meaning no broken heart, no wasting your youth, no baby, and no hasty marriage).

Suffice to say that I've been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt, and say never again.

 

[chickle]

Exactly.

@chickle: I would say that you should listen to @Syrah, but I was once your age and dating an older man who gassed my head up with talk about how I was an "old soul" and "mature for my age". I did not listen to older people who knew what time it was with the fellow preying on me because smart as I was, I did not have the life experience to see through him. So, I am quite sure you cannot yet understand why this fellow's motives in dating a barely legal girl are screwy and I can only wish you luck. I hope you get out as unscathed as I did (meaning no broken heart, no wasting your youth, no baby, and no hasty marriage).

Suffice to say that I've been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt, and say never again.

Thank you... I will just friend zone him at this point.

 

[ms.mimi]

I don't understand? What's the problem? He's 31 and a business owner. This is how he suppose to be. As long as he's not being manipulative I don't see a problem. Men marry strippers, waitress, etc.. all the time. Some men like younger women to manipulate them and some like them because of their outlook. I always dated younger men. I wasn't trying to manipulate them I loved they way they just always seemed to be down for anything. If I wanted to go to the arcade or swimming or play softball, anything they were up for it.

But, you shouldn't be thinking marriage anyway. You should be trying find out what you like and don't like in a man and how to dismiss or keep the ones that interest you. Are you looking for a boyfriend? Why are you making this so serious.

Did he ask you to marry him or to get engage? If not enjoy dating him and learn something. Men can be so interesting. Just relax and have fun. If you want someone closer to your own age then go for it however you can date him too (only if you want) since you have made it clear to him this is only a friendship.

 

[Thiends]

Thank you... I will just friend zone him at this point.

@chickle: I'm not trying to urge you in any direction; just asking you to examine him carefully and not get swept away by a man saying the right things and complimenting your "maturity". A 31-year-old man running game on you will be much more subtle, clever, and able to sustain pretense than you might be used to. He has been in the dating business for almost two decades.

 

[chickle]

I don't understand? What's the problem? He's 31 and a business owner. This is how he suppose to be. As long as he's not being manipulative I don't see a problem. Men marry strippers, waitress, etc.. all the time. Some men like younger women to manipulate them and some like them because of their outlook. I always dated younger men. I wasn't trying to manipulate them I loved they way they just always seemed to be down for anything. If I wanted to go to the arcade or swimming or play softball, anything they were up for it.

But, you shouldn't be thinking marriage anyway. You should be trying find out what you like and don't like in a man and how to dismiss or keep the ones that interest you. Are you looking for a boyfriend? Why are you making this so serious.

Did he ask you to marry him or to get engage? If not enjoy dating him and learn something. Men can be so interesting. Just relax and have fun. If you want someone closer to your own age then go for it however you can date him too (only if you want) since you have made it clear to him this is only a friendship.

Yeah, the problem is that I am not seriously trying to date right now with school and everything, I haven't dated a lot of men and I tend to think logically before anything else. I try to avoid dating men if I foresee any issues or heartache, of course I always make what ever issues I have aware to the person I am dating...then I go from there. Right now this guy has already told me I am ideally what he seeks in a woman and that he would like us to be more than friends. We already get along well, but I enjoy being single, but at the same time I think I have feelings for him.

He is ideally what I would seek in a mate, so I am unsure of whether I should leap or just keep things the way they are. He told me he would not rush anything and definitely would not pressure me in anyway.

 

[chickle]

@chickle: I'm not trying to urge you in any direction; just asking you to examine him carefully and not get swept away by a man saying the right things and complimenting your "maturity". A 31-year-old man running game on you will be much more subtle, clever, and able to sustain pretense than you might be used to. He has been in the dating business for almost two decades.

Yeah I know, but I think we should continue to build a solid friendship before anything else happens. If I friend zone him, then I won't allow my feelings to come before anything logical...if that make sense. I want to know who he is and what he is capable by our interactions as friends. Because I haven't known him for too long and peoples true intentions start showing after a while.

 

[Etherealsmile]

That age difference could cause problems in the future. You're not equally yoked....i.e you're not on the same page with some important things, you're still in college, finding yourself etc and he's already established and probably ready to settle down which i'm assuming you're not

Proceed with caution

 

[MzLady78]

When I was 21, my bf was 32.

Age was never an issue, he never tried to play me like some young, naive chick. We're still good friends to this day and it's been 10 years since we broke up. So, I wouldn't necessarily say that's going to be an issue.

I do think the fact that you're not on the same page as far as where you want the relationship to go may be a problem though, if he's seriously marriage minded. I've come across a few guys who claimed to be but their actions said otherwise.

The not being on the same page thing can happen no matter the age of the people involved, so I'm not totally attributing that problem to him being older.

 

[Syrah]

Exactly.

@chickle: I would say that you should listen to @Syrah, but I was once your age and dating an older man who gassed my head up with talk about how I was an "old soul" and "mature for my age". I did not listen to older people who knew what time it was with the fellow preying on me because smart as I was, I did not have the life experience to see through him. So, I am quite sure you cannot yet understand why this fellow's motives in dating a barely legal girl are screwy and I can only wish you luck. I hope you get out as unscathed as I did (meaning no broken heart, no wasting your youth, no baby, and no hasty marriage).

Suffice to say that I've been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt, and say never again.

Exactly. I also tried dating a man 10 year my senior while I was in college and it took 2 dates to see that he was looking for someone he could control, passively.

"Oh. I think you're so mature for your age" I want to go out with my friends "Why would someone with your maturity want to go and engage in activities like that - why not spend time with me?". Psssht.

 

[tocktick]

OP, gut instinct makes me feel that not only are you too young but the fact you're totally on different paths right now makes me think there will be issues. He's had time of establish himself as an adult, get over the hurdle of getting himself into a stable career (and his own business at that) and I presume he's probably had a few more life experiences and dating experiences than you have. The dynamics as they exist are not in your favour.

You said he's marriage minded whereas you are not. That's fine and totally understandable at 20. If he was looking for the same out of this as you, I'd probably say enjoy the experience and let the dating run it's course. However, as it stands you should be able to date without eventually feeling the burden of someone else's time-line on your back. Which is what you may start to feel if he's super keen on progression the relationship, meanwhile you want to be single/casually dating.

 

[MissYocairis]

OP, gut instinct makes me feel that not only are you too young but the fact you're totally on different paths right now makes me think there will be issues. He's had time of establish himself as an adult, get over the hurdle of getting himself into a stable career (and his own business at that) and I presume he's probably had a few more life experiences and dating experiences than you have. The dynamics as they exist are not in your favour.

You said he's marriage minded whereas you are not. That's fine and totally understandable at 20. If he was looking for the same out of this as you, I'd probably say enjoy the experience and let the dating run it's course. However, as it stands you should be able to date without eventually feeling the burden of someone else's time-line on your back. Which is what you may start to feel if he's super keen on progression the relationship, meanwhile you want to be single/casually dating.

AGREED. He has lived out his 20's and the "finding himself" years. You are just now embarking upon those years. If the two of you become close, this could prove to be a problem. He'll be ready for things you are not ready for. You'll be ready for things he's already done. As an earlier poster stated, you are not equally yoked. And, you aren't both looking for the same things at this point. I'm not going to say he's looking to take advantage of you because I don't know him, however, I do find it curious whenever a man in his 30's is looking to get serious with a 20 year old woman. It concerns me because generally, a man wants a woman who "gets" who he is and where he has been....that's usually by virtue of her also moving in the same conditions of life....which comes when you are in the same generation/age group. Or at least close. The oldest I would have been comfortable with in dating a man older than me would be five years. This man is eleven years your senior. That's a LOT of living.

I say, be yourself, fully. And, see what he does. If he sticks, well, great....but never sacrifice who you really are and how you really want to show up in the world. If at some point it becomes a problem for him, you will know if it's right.

 

[Thiends]

Exactly. I also tried dating a man 10 year my senior while I was in college and it took 2 dates to see that he was looking for someone he could control, passively.

"Oh. I think you're so mature for your age" I want to go out with my friends "Why would someone with your maturity want to go and engage in activities like that - why not spend time with me?". Psssht.

@Syrah and @chickle: That's the sort of manipulation I'm hinting at older men being capable of.