Do you ever think of just settling?

yuhlovevybz

yuhlovevybz

Well-Known Member
I'm getting tired of waiting for mr perfect, when he comes he never stays. Sometimes I feel like just plopping down with the next guy who asks me out and letting him be my silver trophy since I cant find better. Who knows, maybe he'll turn out to be better for me in the long run?

...or let me guess...this is a bad idea and I should wait for the unicorn prince to appear? *sigh*
 
Stop looking for unicorns...none exsist.

I wouldn't settle because I am fine with being alone as opposed to being with someone I settled with. You have plenty of time to find someone. Sometimes it is true that when you stop looking for a man, a man is able to find you.
 
They best way to find Mr. Right is to stop looking for him. Take some time to work on yourself.

Are you a good mate? How are you when you get in a relationship? Are you argumentative? Are you clean? Are you a good communicator? Do you have standards and stick to them? Do you have baggage you haven't gotten over? Just a few questions you can ask yourself.

Great men want great woman. The more internal work you do the better mate you will be and the right people will gravitate towards you.

When you put positive energy out into universe the more abundance you will have in your life. That includes love.
 
I think there's a large difference between Mr Perfect and outright settling for someone you don't like, but that's just me.
 
What you settle for might be the next person's unicorn. That's what I realized and I stopped acting up with my ex boyfriend. Everyone has their issues, but I realized his issues were not so bad. The 80-20 rule ended up being right for me. I went and dated the guys who had the 20% my ex didn't have, and I was not feeling it at all.
 
Honestly I have thought about that several times over the years, as long as he could hold a steady job, and not violent. BUT, I just can't do it, I deserve more than super, duper, minimum, basic. I am anything but super, duper, minuimum, basic.

That train thought surfaces when I am just feeling super lonely around PMS time. I snap out of it 48 hours later.
 
If he was perfect he would stay. :) No, I will not settle. I am enjoying my life and I truly believe I am too dynamic not to be with a man that ABSOLUTELY floats my boat in every, major way. Don't settle OP.

I know it is annoying to be told this but don't look. Live. Laugh. Love. Do what you normally do and you WILL find him.
 
I'm going to post an article on this whole "Mr. Right" topic. At the very least it presented a realistic perspective on this IMO.

The idea of "settling" is personal to each person. More PEOPLE (not a woman thing) settle than you think! But no one really sees it as settling why? Because it all depends on your OPTIONS. What we want at 20 vs 30 vs 40 changes AND adjusts according to the options we have available to us at that time. I offer this..."settling" is really not as bad as one thinks AND I believe that one can still be happy even if the "ideal" person never appeared. Mine was suppose to come in the package of the top 1% wealthy Americans. Instead, I got... I'll settle for this and VERY happy to do so....

I equate it to college applications. You aim for Harvard and tried multiple times and rejected each time. All along time is expiring and you still don't have that degree. In the end, you just go to [insert safety school here] to finish up and do the best you can with what you have. Isn't there a saying that says if life you gives you lemon than make lemonade? Well some of us just make lemonade and we're just fine with it. In part understanding how we define settling is part of the issue. Clearly we define settling differently.
Do men think about this too?
Lastly, honestly ladies what makes anyone soooo unique and special that he or she CAN'T get it elsewhere?

To thine own self be true.

Let me go find the article.

ETA- I need to work on positive energy. I worry a lot, I compare myself to others a lot etc etc...I need a paradigm shift. Personality, soul make over!!
Anyway....random.
 
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It depends on what you are 'settling' on.

Maybe he's great with you emotionally but he's only 5'4, but your ideal is 6'. Maybe he has a great job, is wonderful support emotionally but you dont want a man with kids. Well, look Mr Almost perfect is divorced with one young child. Or maybe he's 20lbs overweight and you wanted slender.

Some would consider those things settling... there arent any unicorns. Sometimes you make concessions because the person is great in every other way...

However, I wouldnt settle on critical attributes like being psychologically stable and drug-free....
 
I see no problem with settling on superficial stuff like weight, looks, super cool job title, how he dresses, educational stuff like must have MBA, law degree, Ph.D., etc. Everyone's non-negotiables are different. If I were single they would be adores me, priorities straight, protective, intelligent, drug-free (including marihuana), very light drinker, non-smoker, non-cheater, affectionate, intelligent (must read and appreciate education), and height (yes, perhaps superficial but I need him to be bigger than me height-wise and weight-wise because that makes me feel safer). IMO Mr. Perfect does not exist, neither does Mrs. Perfect.
 
I agree with the ladies above that have said Mr. Perfect does not exist. At the end of the day, you have to decide what is truly important to you (the qualities that you are looking for in a partner and what you're deal breakers are) and stick to it. Everything else should be open to compromise.

My SO is not perfect, but I do not feel that I settled at all. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
 
Fine 4s said:
...
ETA- I need to work on positive energy. I worry a lot, I compare myself to others a lot etc etc...I need a paradigm shift. Personality, soul make over!!
Anyway....random.
Click to expand...

Yes :yep: I made a paradigm shift recently. Makes a big difference with how happy you are. Feeling more peaceful, joyful and appreciative.
 
There's a median here lol. You should definitely stop looking for "Mr. Prefect". He doesn't exist. However, that doesn't mean you should just settle for "Mr. Next" either. Set realistic standards & look for someone who's a good fit.
 
hopeful said:
Yes :yep: I made a paradigm shift recently. Makes a big difference with how happy you are. Feeling more peaceful, joyful and appreciative.
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HOW??????!!!!!!! hopeful.
It's so safe to hold on to negative energy. It's like I clearly SEE what I can do differently but too comfortable, too self-righteous to think I need to change! Let me not highjack....
 
RocStar said:
Stop looking for unicorns...none exsist.

I wouldn't settle because I am fine with being alone as opposed to being with someone I settled with. You have plenty of time to find someone. Sometimes it is true that when you stop looking for a man, a man is able to find you.
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Mhmmm :yep:
 
Fine 4s said:
I equate it to college applications. You aim for Harvard and tried multiple times and rejected each time. All along time is expiring and you still don't have that degree. In the end, you just go to [insert safety school here] to finish up and do the best you can with what you have. Isn't there a saying that says if life you gives you lemon than make lemonade? Well some of us just make lemonade and we're just fine with it. In part understanding how we define settling is part of the issue. Clearly we define settling differently.
Let me go find the article.
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I disagree with this example. Here's mine.

You want to be a doctor and have dreamed all of your life of going to Harvard for undergrad and medical school.

Scenario A: You aim for Harvard undergrad but you are not accepted. You accept full scholarship to highly respectable XYZ University with a goal to apply to Harvard for Med School.

Scenario B: You are not accepted to Harvard. You are accepted to Yale, a prominent HBCU, have a full scholarship to XYZ University but you choose to attend ABC community college because your 25 year old boyfriend doesn't want you to go away while he's staying local to pursue a rap career. Your "plan" is to transfer after he blows up and he'll repay you for having his back by paying for your tuition. Ten years and 3 kids later you're still working on that associates degree part time and working to support the family. Meanwhile he has all the high scores on Madden, no job/income producing career to show for himself and he's still your boyfriend (not husband or fiance).

Scenario A is NOT settling. That's making the best of the options you had. Even if you don't get into Harvard Med if you do well in undergrad you can get into another medical school and with hard work you'll still be a doctor.

Scenario B IS settling. With all your options you made a choice out of alignment with the goals you said you wanted and years later are still no closer than when you started.

Too many people confuse maximizing and making the best of the options they have with settling. If you only applied to Harvard then you wouldn't have known that XYZ school was ready to give you a full scholarship. If you had gone to that HBCU you may have loans but you'd have met the professor that is #1 in the specialty that you are interested in and their network could set you up with more opportunites doing what you love instead of what you thought you wanted. Of all the variables you choose to go with what was simple and the resentment of that choice will eventually wear you down.

Having a goal doesn't mean the finish line only comes in one form (or one man or one school). When you know (& are realistic about) your worth you will not allow desperation or lonliness be a factor in making choices.
Its when you take away or limit your options out of fear that you settle.

yuhlovevybz you need to figure out whom you are defining as "Mr Perfect" and why these "perfect" men are not into you. Lets stay with the school example - are you attempting to enter Harvard with piss poor grades? Are you asking for scholarships when you need to go to community college to get your GPA up before applying again?

Change your language. Mr. Perfect has not been leaving you. Stop living in Disney and start to be responsible for the choices you are making.

Hard truth: if in fact you have lost Mr. Perfect multiple times then you need to figure out why you are not his Mrs. Perfect and work on that.
The 2nd runner up to Mr. Perfect isn't going to settle for less than what he wants either. If you've set standard for #1 as Harvard there are a LOT of schools between Harvard and your "safety". Get in where you fit in and live don't sit around thinking Harvard is going to just show up on your doorstep.
 
bklynbornNbred said:
I equate it to college applications. You aim for Harvard and tried multiple times and rejected each time. All along time is expiring and you still don't have that degree. In the end, you just go to [insert safety school here] to finish up and do the best you can with what you have. Isn't there a saying that says if life you gives you lemon than make lemonade? Well some of us just make lemonade and we're just fine with it. In part understanding how we define settling is part of the issue. Clearly we define settling differently.
Let me go find the article.
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I disagree with this example. Here's mine.
[/QUOTE]

Agreed although, following all the details confused me. I ain't that bright lol

But common thread to me is having OPTIONS.
I'm going to re-read your response and ETA when I'm not in this darn car.
 
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Whatever "settling" means to YOU, don't do it!

I'm tellin' ya'll, it's hard out here in a marriage! If I had settled and married Mr. Whoever, I would be divorced! No lie.

There have been many days when I knew that if my dh wasn't perfect for me I would've bounced this marriage back in the 90s.

My personality is not designed to put up with bull$hitery from a man I barely like from the jump. :look:
 
sunnieb said:
Whatever "settling" means to YOU, don't do it!

I'm tellin' ya'll, it's hard out here in a marriage! If I had settled and married Mr. Whoever, I would be divorced! No lie.

There have been many days when I knew that if my dh wasn't perfect for me I would've bounced this marriage back in the 90s.

My personality is not designed to put up with bull$hitery from a man I barely like from the jump. :look:
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^^^^^ THIS is everything! I'll admit, my DH didn't come in the package that I thought he would and was completely different from ALL of my exes; however God knew what he was doing. He is everything I didn't even know I needed. When I think about the package that he came in opposed to what I thought I wanted, it just makes me laugh. As stated up thread, don't settle on your non-negotiables, but recognize that just like you have imperfections so will he, you'll just find the person that loves your imperfections and vice versa.
 
Oneprettypa said:
^^^^^ THIS is everything! I'll admit, my DH didn't come in the package that I thought he would and was completely different from ALL of my exes; however God knew what he was doing. He is everything I didn't even know I needed. When I think about the package that he came in opposed to what I thought I wanted, it just makes me laugh. As stated up thread, don't settle on your non-negotiables, but recognize that just like you have imperfections so will he, you'll just find the person that loves your imperfections and vice versa.
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Great post! :yep:
 
sunnieb said:
Whatever "settling" means to YOU, don't do it!

I'm tellin' ya'll, it's hard out here in a marriage! If I had settled and married Mr. Whoever, I would be divorced! No lie.

There have been many days when I knew that if my dh wasn't perfect for me I would've bounced this marriage back in the 90s.

My personality is not designed to put up with bull$hitery from a man I barely like from the jump. :look:
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You summed up why I will never settle. (Settling to me means giving up on my non-negotiables.) If I did, I know I'd leave the moment something went wrong and that's not marriage to me.:nono:
 
No.

I can't settle. I can't be with someone I feel is beneath me or causes me to

compromise. If I have to think of how my life would be if I werent' with my husband or

think how unhappy I am having to 'make it work'. I would bounce. Thankfully, my

husband respects my unconventional ways. Saying that, I must interject...we are

monogamous, devoted, and infidelity has never been anything we have ever come even

close to having a problem with. Now, with that being said...I must be happy. I can not

worry about putting my life on hold just to make 'something' work. I never understood

conventional books which preached such. Why be miserable. As my husband remarked,

I am a very independent person who could thrive being alone. But as my husband

didn't remark, but I will, he completes me. He is not my better half. He is a complete,

intelligent, thoughtful, gorgeous, yada yada yada male who makes me question why he

is with me at times. [ But I digress. ] Despite my many challenges I have yet to

master, 'settling' with someone is definitely not something I have to 'work at'...

[probably explains why my husband 's time with me compared to my time with others

has been DRASTICALLY longer....but again...I digress. :-) ]
 
Oneprettypa said:
^^^^^ THIS is everything! I'll admit, my DH didn't come in the package that I thought he would and was completely different from ALL of my exes; however God knew what he was doing. He is everything I didn't even know I needed. When I think about the package that he came in opposed to what I thought I wanted, it just makes me laugh. As stated up thread, don't settle on your non-negotiables, but recognize that just like you have imperfections so will he, you'll just find the person that loves your imperfections and vice versa.
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Oneprettypa This all day!!!! Especially the bolded...that is truly beautiful.

It's sometimes hard to let go of "The Package" but most of the happy marriages I know are exactly what you're describing. And when you truly love, respect, and accept someone the imperfections are like beauty marks.

Congrats to you!
 
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