Do u really think you can "change" him?

ebonyhair

ebonyhair

Well-Known Member
I had a conversation with my friend earlier today about women that date men that are a few issues away from being "the perfect one" (It may be a bad temper, control issues, insecurities, domestic violence, not attending church, cheating, etc) So she claims that if a man finds someone that he REALLY loves that he will be willing to "change". What do you think?:look:
 
I used to feel this way. I thought I could mold a man much like play doh into the man that I wanted him to be for me. I would help him out, find him jobs and opportunities, give him advice, help him through school, offer him a listening ear, and constantly push him to be better than he was.

I would attempt to train him to give me sunflowers impromptu. Open my doors. Be considerate of my feelings. Basically I was trying to play God and make him into the person I wanted, not the person HE wanted to be.

Relationships are not some game. They are not like "The Sims" where you can influence their every thought and action. You cannot change a man. Because of that, you need to find a man you can love exactly for how he is now.

Now if it's something petty, such as the way he dresses I wouldn't break up with him because those are just differences I can live with, and those things change with age and maturity, but if he has ways that are incompatible with my style of living, (No christian values, abusive, not financially/mentally stable and responsible) I would simply K.I.M.

He may change in the future, but it is because of his own free will. Don't expect to create miracles. You'll only end up with heartache.
 
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Ummm...I think if it was something he was seeking to change anyway, then yes. But most of the time, that negro aint changing. Somethings are a part of who you are...he did them before you and will continue to do them with you.
 
I think people can make small changes but overall you cant change someones personality esp. if they have issues like domestic violence:perplexed remember the things we accept be the things we regret. its better to be patient and wait until you find what you want instead of settling for less.
 
ebonyhair said:
I had a conversation with my friend earlier today about women that date men that are a few issues away from being "the perfect one" (It may be a bad temper, control issues, insecurities, domestic violence, not attending church, cheating, etc) So she claims that if a man finds someone that he REALLY loves that he will be willing to "change". What do you think?:look:
Click to expand...

Uh, almost all those issues you mentioned are "biggies" in most people's book and I wouldn't even entertain a man who showed those qualities.

If we're talking about a dude who leaves his clothes all over the floor or farts too much or something, then there might be a valid discussion at hand.

But a man who has those issues that are mentioned above have something seriously wrong with them, and a woman would be smart to just leave him alone.

Note: The only one of those I don't think fits is "not attending church." There could be reasons for that, plus church attendance doesn't necessarily tell you about a man's character as a Christian, if that's what she is trying to figure out.
 
IMO...we can't change a man at all. However, I do believe that if a man is starting to care about you and perhaps fall in love....HE will make the necessary changes on his own.
 
ebonyhair said:
I had a conversation with my friend earlier today about women that date men that are a few issues away from being "the perfect one" (It may be a bad temper, control issues, insecurities, domestic violence, not attending church, cheating, etc) So she claims that if a man finds someone that he REALLY loves that he will be willing to "change". What do you think?:look:
Click to expand...

No that is naive childish thinking. I think you will run into problems when the issues you are trying to change are a glaring critical character flaw (from your prespective). Its one thing if you don't like that he leaves the toilet sat up or he leaves his clothes around. Its another thing if you think YOU are going to stop him for cheating or becoming violent etc.

I also think that it also depends on the issues you are trying to change. Basically everything you mentioned is something someone is going to have a strong will power and concious effort to change. I also think someone is downright stupid and dangerous to be with someone who has voilent tendencies like domestic violence, temper, and control issues.

I don't want someone being with me and saying I love you but you would be more perfect if you changed this this and that about yoruself. Then why are you with me? I think its better to be with someone and like most of the things about them and hope they never change as opposed to thinking you are going to change them.
 
I'll pass. :nono: No way should I be what he is looking for, but he falls short and I have to 'mold' him. There are VERY rare instances when this does work, but it's not for me.
 
In general..nope. If there are certain aspects that he is already working on when I meet him..yes/maybe.
 
can you change him for yourself

no

can you be an inspiration to make himself want to change for himself

yes
 
ebonyhair said:
I had a conversation with my friend earlier today about women that date men that are a few issues away from being "the perfect one" (It may be a bad temper, control issues, insecurities, domestic violence, not attending church, cheating, etc) So she claims that if a man finds someone that he REALLY loves that he will be willing to "change". What do you think?
Click to expand...

Hmm I think it's possible but it's not easy. Like if you see your child getting overweight then you'd be willing to change your cooking habits/start living healthy. Some people do and some don't. So yes I think it's possible to change.

But do I think you yourself are doing it, no. You may have inspired him and may help him but he's the one doing the changing.
 
To put it bluntly...HELL NO. I think I'd have to think about whether or not it was something that I could live with, and if not KIM. Otherwise, trying to change a man is asking for trouble. They might change in the beginning, but they'll go back to their old ways.
 
The only person that can change him is him. Nobody else period. If he doesn't see a need to change then he wont. A team of wild horses couldn't drag him far enough to make him change.
 
Bunny77 said:
Uh, almost all those issues you mentioned are "biggies" in most people's book and I wouldn't even entertain a man who showed those qualities.

If we're talking about a dude who leaves his clothes all over the floor or farts too much or something, then there might be a valid discussion at hand.

But a man who has those issues that are mentioned above have something seriously wrong with them, and a woman would be smart to just leave him alone.

Note: The only one of those I don't think fits is "not attending church." There could be reasons for that, plus church attendance doesn't necessarily tell you about a man's character as a Christian, if that's what she is trying to figure out.
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I somewhat disagree. I have some insecurities and some control issues but that doesn't mean I'm not working on those things. For the most part I am a successful, well adjusted woman who's comfortable is her skin and a man would be a fool to disqualify me based on those "issues". Nobody's perfect. Now, I don't think I could be with someone with violent tendancies. :nono:

I'm with with you on the "not attending church" matter because maybe he hasn't found one that suits him yet. That would not be an instant disqualifier for me.

ETA: I don't think you can change anyone, but you may inspire someone to take major steps toward a change they already acknowledge is needed.
 
Maybe. But I also know changing a person can become negative too. Sometimes it backfires. The change you thought that was going to be better, makes the person into a whole new person that you don't even like.
 
jwhitley6 said:
I somewhat disagree. I have some insecurities and some control issues but that doesn't mean I'm not working on those things. For the most part I am a successful, well adjusted woman who's comfortable is her skin and a man would be a fool to disqualify me based on those "issues". Nobody's perfect. Now, I don't think I could be with someone with violent tendancies. :nono:

I'm with with you on the "not attending church" matter because maybe he hasn't found one that suits him yet. That would not be an instant disqualifier for me.

ETA: I don't think you can change anyone, but you may inspire someone to take major steps toward a change they already acknowledge is needed.
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I interpret "control issues" as attempts to control other people.

I can't comment on one's own personal control issues, but a man attempting to control ME is a no-go, no compromise issue.
 
ebonyhair said:
I had a conversation with my friend earlier today about women that date men that are a few issues away from being "the perfect one" (It may be a bad temper, control issues, insecurities, domestic violence, not attending church, cheating, etc) So she claims that if a man finds someone that he REALLY loves that he will be willing to "change". What do you think?:look:
Click to expand...

Well she is right a man only changes if he wants to.
 
I believe that sometimes, a woman can be an inspiration for a man to change and do better...but although one can be inspired.... its another thing to want to change. This usually happens when the man has become tired of being what he is. He has to come to that conclusion on his own though...
 
I have learned you can't change anyone. If they were crap when you meet them, expect the crap to always be there. It's a matter of what you are willing to tolerate.
The problem is we tolerate oursleves into that deep black hole of unhappiness and then don't know how to get out.......:ohwell:
 
IF, and that's a humongous IF, he wants to change, he may make strides to do so. Most likely though, that won't last too long. Dealing with a guy who has those major red flags is too risky. Way too risky.

Plus, I think about what I would like to change about myself and how hard it is to break lifelong habits, how am I gonna change someone else?:perplexed:
 
Nope. I'm aware there's no perfect man and everyone has flaws but I try to weigh up his flaws and see if they're things I can live with or not. If I can't then there's no point getting properly committed. If I can live with them however, i'll get in and hope that I inspire him to change/ take steps to change certain things.
 
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