Sorry so long. I really wanted to respond to a lot of the ideas expressed.
I actually have more respect for divorced people. I've met so many people who dont actually take the time to get divorced. They are estranged from their spouses and live their lives as if they're single and/or in another relationship. And they're actually cool with it because many of them believe they'll never marry again anyway, so oh well. When will they get that ignoring it doesn't magically make it go away?
My mom is one of those people. My parents have been separated for over 20 years and still no divorce. Its baffling. Even though I don't agree, I try my best not to judge them for making that decision.
Now, I would just hope that folks who get divorced take some time to really examine what happened with the marriage and look at themselves to see if there were any signs or signals that something was off, so that they don't repeat their mistakes.
ITA. I really don't want to go down that road again so I'm always thinking about what happened and what I can do to prevent those things from happening if I decide to remarry.
My first thought when I meet a divorce woman is, wow she survived it! I tend to be a bit more negative if it's a man.
To be honest I tend to think this way myself. (yes, I have my own preconceived notions) When its a man I initially think he cheated.
When I meet people who are divorced I often wonder why, but I dont think anything negative per se.However I did run into I guy who I dated in 2005, and when I saw him again this year he had been married and divorced all by age 26. Do I question his judgement? Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. Someone older 30+ its not as big a deal to me.
This actually the case with me. I was married and divorced by 28. I think my age and the length of time we were married causes people to think certain things. I don't necessarily blame people for thinking the way they do but I just wish they wouldn't make snap judgments without knowing the full story.
I don't judge divorced people if it's ONE divorce. More than one, he11 ya! I feel anyone can get divorced once. But twice, thrice, more, it's YOU BOO!!! And you obviously haven't learned a thing since your ex-spouses' (more than one ex-spouse) all have YOU in common.
Yeah, after the third divorce I would start to wonder whats really going on. Either you haven't learned from your mistakes or there's some serious bad luck going on.
Either way, its unfortunate. Divorce is draining.
To be honest, I sometimes forget that I am divorced. It was about seven years ago! I honestly forget, but I noticed that people do kind of look at you funny if you are divorced.
In my experience, I have found that the people who look at you funny are the same people putting up with disrespectful stuff at home and would run if they weren't overly-concerned with what others would think.
I enjoyed your post. I re: the bold, I would have to agree. But also, I think that people stay in unhealthy marriages because they've invested a lot time and energy into the marriage. They have kids, a house, pets, joint finances etc. and think that it would be easier to stay.
And of course people there's the commitment God and upholding the vows you took. I know I struggled with this myself. As a christian it was extremely difficult to make the decision to get a divorce.
There was a time when I would judge a divorced person based on how long they were married. Basically if you divorced after a year then I would think that you didn't try at all. If you were married 20 years then I'd wonder if you stayed for the kids.
Before my situation I felt the same way. But then I realized that I have no idea what happened in that one year of marriage.
Yes, I have my judgments. First, I would say that I have very close divorced family members whom I love so this is not meant to be spiteful. But I sometimes feel one of the following depending on their situation:
not very perceptive
Re: this view. I myself tend to get this one quite often. But it amazes me how much people can change. When the person you married turns into someone completely different. So much so that even their friends and family wonder what happened.
When people would find out that I was divorced, they would always respond with, "oh, I'm sorry" and then I'd be left with wondering what they were sorry about when I was happy to be rid of him.
erplexed So instead of telling people that I am divorced, I started telling people that I am "happily divorced" and that was the truth. Saying happily divorced as opposed to just saying divorced erased the "i'm so sorry" comment.
LOL. Generally, people don't know how to respond so they try to be empathetic. When people express their concern by saying "I'm so sorry" I usually just say "Its okay, you don't have to feel bad for me, I'm better off"
No, no preconceived notions for a divorced person. Two or three divorces, yeah, I am guessing it's YOU.
An older, White, female coworker said that she was stigmatized as were her kids when she divorced. She said that people acted like her kids would grow up to be serial killers since she was one of the only women in her NJ town that was divorced (probably 10 - 15 years ago). It was a very bitter divorced wherein they fought over used plates/utensils. They are both accountants and fought over every penny. She said that he did an audit of her dishes.
As prevalent as divorce is in our culture I'm amazed that people are stigmatizing the children to the extent of saying they will be serial killers. That's kind of crazy.
I'm SMH at the accountants auditing dishes.
