My divorce is FINAL!
- Thread starter PoeticJustice
- Start date
divinefavor
Well-Known Member
Girl! I feel you! Actually, I drove my silly self crazy with resentment toward him before I realized this. It was in my praying for peace and healing that I discovered that he simply was being who he knew how to be and that he had experienced things in his life that had brought him to a particular way of dealing with the world. I realized he was working with what he had to work with based on his own set of understanding and fears. In knowing that, I knew that he still had value as the children's father...and I realized that I would always love him for giving me two beautiful children.....then, I realized...."hey, I forgive this dude!"....and that's when everything opened up emotionally for me. I wasn't mad anymore. I could finally move forward.
It really feels good to chat with members who have been through this. Sometimes, I feel like I am one of the few divorced moms on the board. Thanks for starting this thread JW!
Wow, I got chills reading this!!! I remember feeling that release when I finally forgave!!!
PoeticJustice
Active Member
Girl! I feel you! Actually, I drove my silly self crazy with resentment toward him before I realized this. It was in my praying for peace and healing that I discovered that he simply was being who he knew how to be and that he had experienced things in his life that had brought him to a particular way of dealing with the world. I realized he was working with what he had to work with based on his own set of understanding and fears. In knowing that, I knew that he still had value as the children's father...and I realized that I would always love him for giving me two beautiful children.....then, I realized...."hey, I forgive this dude!"....and that's when everything opened up emotionally for me. I wasn't mad anymore. I could finally move forward.
It really feels good to chat with members who have been through this. Sometimes, I feel like I am one of the few divorced moms on the board. Thanks for starting this thread JW!
I am glad I did. It's like my first thought was I need my girls, so instantly I leaned on you all. But reading your line realizing "I forgive him" I had that same revelation. It was like I literally stopped in the middle of my day and was like, "I'm okay. And I forgive him" I had prayed for peace and healing and I just woke up and during the course of the day I was like, wow, You're (me)having a good day today!!!
But this journey is new for me as a new chapter and I"m so glad during this journey, I have you all!! Much love!!
PoeticJustice
Active Member
You know Caramela, it really is. But when I think about what those 13 years consisted of...
It wasn't ALL bad but well... you know the story... it was during those almost two years of separation I was able to cope. I'm sooo looking forward to this new journey of mine! 
PoeticJustice
Active Member
I really believe that even in situations where we WANT the divorce, we still feel a small tinge of failure. I know this was true for me - coming from a long line of 20-40 year marriages. But ITA that its important to take the time following a divorce and assess YOUR mistakes..... I DID NOT do that
Congratulations on closing that book in your life. Now you are better equipped with the wisdom you need to turn out a "best-seller"!
Oh yes, I went through feelings of humiliation and embarrassment. What will my friends and family think??? I thought I was such a failure for a long time.
Now I'm at least appreciative of what the experience has taught me and I had a long time to truly "check" myself. I'm still doing that as a matter of fact.
I'm hopeful I might meet someone who's a better mate for me and I for him, but in the mean time I"m happy to have my name back and get to know ME all over again. I lost myself along the way for a long time. I'm looking at this as a rebirth!!
PoeticJustice
Active Member
Hi DivineFavor, it's so good to see you!!
You know I"m almost like anticipating sadness, like I said for some reason I felt compelled to watch my wedding video. For what I have no idea, but I felt like I should...I doubt it was closure. Maybe I was trying to make myself face the finality of my divorce. I don't know. I didn't file until 16 months into our separation so I don't know what was running through my mind.
But the bolded part touched me the most. There were many many issues we both should have worked on before getting married and didn't. Like I said, alot of signs I chose to ignore. But alot has been revealed to me these last two years and I feel very hopeful that I can be a better mate to the next man that God brings into my life, when it's time. In the mean time, I'm in continual prayer that this is not a generational curse upon my children. I'm striving to properly raise a young little girl and an impressionable young little boy.
SweetCaramel1
Well-Known Member
no divorce advice. just wishing you the best.
PoeticJustice
Active Member
no divorce advice. just wishing you the best.
AAWWW thanks for the well wishes!!
divinefavor
Well-Known Member
You an CBC are speaking some truth today! I'm over here almost in tears that God reveals so much through others and how we are allowed to share in each other joys, hurts, and sorrows on this board.
The bolded part is on point, I pray this a lot in my prayer life. I was telling my cousin not long ago about how our mothers have all been divorced, all of our uncles except for 1 has been divorced. The other uncle never married and I have one aunt who's never married. I told her the generational curse stops here. I do not want my children (our children) or they're children to deal with divorce. Rather I want my children to first be secure in who God say they are and be whole people before entering marriage.
Caramela
New Member
You know Caramela, it really is. But when I think about what those 13 years consisted of...
Our pastor just preached on Divorcement yesterday. It was very enlightening. I'm happy you were able to come to a clear mind during your separation. My heart goes out to you and I wish for you the best.
PoeticJustice
Active Member
I read alot about it in the Word as also hearing it from the Man of God. My grounds for divorce according to His Word has been forgiven or maybe I've been redeemed in a sense. But for a long time I thought I wouldn't be forgiven in His eyes even though he was the one who committed adultery. But one thing I have learned, adultery was just the result of our problems we were having.
In short, financial responsibility was all on my shoulders for a very long time, he had been in between jobs and I was lacking in the encouragement dept. I tried for as long as I could, then resentment snuck in the door, then communication became more and more minimal. Next thing you know, we were eating dinner in silence and sleeping in separate rooms. It was bad for a long time before the adultery. I mean I could tell you ladies some stories but that will have to wait for the "Trifling things DH have done in the relationship" thread
The affair started just a month into his new job he had just started. They say most affairs are with someone you work with. Mine was the typical case. After all was said and done, I thought I could forgive him and make it work for the sake of the children. Oh my God it was worst. The trust had completely gone out the window and needless to say, a few months in, I found out he was STILL seeing her (like I said, "trifling thread"). Can we say thorough STD/HIV and physical exam
All in all, I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Couldn't sleep in my own bed... went out and bought a new bedroom suit. Finding all her "personal" belongings in my truck... did I mention TRIFLING???
I know I'm airing all my dirty laundry but I say ALL that to say, I see how mislead and deep into the temptation and whatever else had him caught up... I truly forgave him (ummm... it took about 12 good months). I developed a genuine sincere compassion for him as the father of our kids to care enough that he gets his act together. Not only that but it made me such a stronger person, but in time of course.
I am truly at a different place in my life then I was a short year and a half ago. A much better place
PoeticJustice
Active Member
Yes that is my constant prayer too! My mom was divorced. My dad remarried and has been married for the last 25 years. My sister has been happily married for almost 10 so I'm okay that mine failed. But I make a conscious effort to lift up my son as a respectable boy into a young man into an adolescent and so forth. My daughter I think I may overwhelm her with praises and reinforcing how much a princess she is. I used to harp so much to my ex on instilling in her how much a princess she is and to show that how daddy (him) 'loves' her is what real love would be when she gets older and to know the difference when the first guy that comes along with all that mularky (sp). I didn't have that reinforcement because my parents divorced when I was 2 or 3 years old. So needless to say, my self-esteem flew out the window as I came into my youth, so the first crush I had, well let's just say I KNEW it was true love
I literally didn't experience true HONEST self-love until just a couple of years in my whole 32 years!!! I cannot allow that to happen to my 8 year old. I simply cannot!! I pray God will bring that special person into my life in perfect time and for him to be the true father figure in their life that they need. Until then, I'm doing what I can!!
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
Yes that is my constant prayer too! My mom was divorced. My dad remarried and has been married for the last 25 years. My sister has been happily married for almost 10 so I'm okay that mine failed. But I make a conscious effort to lift up my son as a respectable boy into a young man into an adolescent and so forth. My daughter I think I may overwhelm her with praises and reinforcing how much a princess she is. I used to harp so much to my ex on instilling in her how much a princess she is and to show that how daddy (him) 'loves' her is what real love would be when she gets older and to know the difference when the first guy that comes along with all that mularky (sp). I didn't have that reinforcement because my parents divorced when I was 2 or 3 years old. So needless to say, my self-esteem flew out the window as I came into my youth, so the first crush I had, well let's just say I KNEW it was true love
I literally didn't experience true HONEST self-love until just a couple of years in my whole 32 years!!! I cannot allow that to happen to my 8 year old. I simply cannot!! I pray God will bring that special person into my life in perfect time and for him to be the true father figure in their life that they need. Until then, I'm doing what I can!!
Wow, JW. Thank you for sharing. We have so many parallels! Parents divorcing when we were very young. Father remarrying; mother did not. A young son and daughter. Worked hard on a marriage and tried very hard to honor our vows....until there was no other choice. Mine wasn't adultery but it was abuse. Either way, I am sure divorce was fair, sanctioned, appropriate. I just want you to know that you aren't alone, nor are you wrong. And you WILL find true love. It's just around the corner. For now, just focus on your babies and their transition; and focus on your own healing so that you will be ready for that ONE when he turns the corner.
Caramela
New Member
I read alot about it in the Word as also hearing it from the Man of God. My grounds for divorce according to His Word has been forgiven or maybe I've been redeemed in a sense. But for a long time I thought I wouldn't be forgiven in His eyes even though he was the one who committed adultery. But one thing I have learned, adultery was just the result of our problems we were having.
In short, financial responsibility was all on my shoulders for a very long time, he had been in between jobs and I was lacking in the encouragement dept. I tried for as long as I could, then resentment snuck in the door, then communication became more and more minimal. Next thing you know, we were eating dinner in silence and sleeping in separate rooms. It was bad for a long time before the adultery. I mean I could tell you ladies some stories but that will have to wait for the "Trifling things DH have done in the relationship" thread
The affair started just a month into his new job he had just started. They say most affairs are with someone you work with. Mine was the typical case. After all was said and done, I thought I could forgive him and make it work for the sake of the children. Oh my God it was worst. The trust had completely gone out the window and needless to say, a few months in, I found out he was STILL seeing her (like I said, "trifling thread"). Can we say thorough STD/HIV and physical exam
All in all, I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Couldn't sleep in my own bed... went out and bought a new bedroom suit. Finding all her "personal" belongings in my truck... did I mention TRIFLING???
I know I'm airing all my dirty laundry but I say ALL that to say, I see how mislead and deep into the temptation and whatever else had him caught up... I truly forgave him (ummm... it took about 12 good months). I developed a genuine sincere compassion for him as the father of our kids to care enough that he gets his act together. Not only that but it made me such a stronger person, but in time of course.
I am truly at a different place in my life then I was a short year and a half ago. A much better place
Oh no. That's awful. (What you had to endure) But great that you're in a better place.
divinefavor
Well-Known Member
I read alot about it in the Word as also hearing it from the Man of God. My grounds for divorce according to His Word has been forgiven or maybe I've been redeemed in a sense. But for a long time I thought I wouldn't be forgiven in His eyes even though he was the one who committed adultery. But one thing I have learned, adultery was just the result of our problems we were having.
In short, financial responsibility was all on my shoulders for a very long time, he had been in between jobs and I was lacking in the encouragement dept. I tried for as long as I could, then resentment snuck in the door, then communication became more and more minimal. Next thing you know, we were eating dinner in silence and sleeping in separate rooms. It was bad for a long time before the adultery. I mean I could tell you ladies some stories but that will have to wait for the "Trifling things DH have done in the relationship" thread
The affair started just a month into his new job he had just started. They say most affairs are with someone you work with. Mine was the typical case. After all was said and done, I thought I could forgive him and make it work for the sake of the children. Oh my God it was worst. The trust had completely gone out the window and needless to say, a few months in, I found out he was STILL seeing her (like I said, "trifling thread"). Can we say thorough STD/HIV and physical exam
All in all, I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Couldn't sleep in my own bed... went out and bought a new bedroom suit. Finding all her "personal" belongings in my truck... did I mention TRIFLING???
I know I'm airing all my dirty laundry but I say ALL that to say, I see how mislead and deep into the temptation and whatever else had him caught up... I truly forgave him (ummm... it took about 12 good months). I developed a genuine sincere compassion for him as the father of our kids to care enough that he gets his act together. Not only that but it made me such a stronger person, but in time of course.
I am truly at a different place in my life then I was a short year and a half ago. A much better place
Wow, I'm amazed at how similar our lives are. We're the same age, my ex-husband committed adultery with someone on his job as well.
Like CBC stated earlier focus on the kids. In God's timing, the man that he's created just for you will be ready for you and you for him.
I am here if you ever need someone to talk to.
PoeticJustice
Active Member
It always feels good to know you're not alone! I am definitely going to focus on my children and myself. I've been enjoying my own company too. Sometimes my neighbor who is a good friend will just come and pick up the kids and give me the whole day
It took awhile for me to understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. It is a big difference and even in during some lonely days or nights, I'm still okay because it will pass!! And yes I am looking forward to that day I meet my true love.
PoeticJustice
Active Member
Thank you DF! That means alot and you're right, it's all in God's timing. I'm practicing on just being still every day!
sunnydaze
Well-Known Member
My parents were married until my mother died 14 years ago. I don't have any divorces in my family, so I am the first (woohoo!......
erplexed). Like you cantbecopied, I had no choice in the matter as well for the same reason. I take marriage ver seriously and would probably have tried to work through any other problem but not that.
divinefavor
Well-Known Member
That's great girl!!! You're on the right track.
PoeticJustice
Active Member
My parents were married until my mother died 14 years ago. I don't have any divorces in my family, so I am the first (woohoo!......
Totally. For that divorce was very sanctioned and appropriate.
