Dealing with Children's Father

[CORBINS]

Good Day:

I would like some advice on dealing the my children's father.
I'm currently in a new relationship and his family is simply wonderful. My ex's family is a bit dysfunctional and having my kids around "normal" people for once has been a good experience. On the down side, my ex has my children brain washed into believing that they shouldn't be around people who are not family. My youngest is buying into this, my oldest has a guilty conscience about being around my bf's family because she knows how her father feels about my new bf. I don't want to push them. I've been spending time with my bf's family without my kids. I want them to move at their own pace.

Do you think I should continue the way I am? Letting them decide on their own with time?

It's all too silly. Men/people who are controlling make me sick!

 

[Country gal]

I have a 12 year old and I have a different opinion than most of the women on the board regarding interactions with my son and my SO. I think it is important that they do interact with his family if you really see yourself being with this guy. You don't want to get into a situation where you are madly in love with him but he and the kids don't get along.

 

[hopeful]

If I felt the relationship was going in a very serious direction and I completely trusted my bf and believed he would cause my children no harm, I would insist that my children followed my wishes. I think it is important that children support their mother's happiness so long as their well-being is not in danger. I do not believe in leaving the children alone with a bf or allowing a bf to act like a daddy. I would be wary of a bf's friends/relatives etc. because it takes sometime to get to know people, I would move very slowly, as in spending time with his mom and dad only but not a host of relatives/friends.

 

[CORBINS]

Thank you ladies for replying.

I am very cautious with my situation. I don't want my girls to get hurt. My relationship is very serious and he is a wonderful man; I want my children to see what I see, but on their own terms. I know the kids love their father, and they feel guilt because he is very manipulative and greedy with them. I just want to make sure they're not hurt.

 

[QUINN]

I have been a similar situation before. I sat the childrens father down along with my new beau. I told both of them that for the sake of the children and their well being we all need to come to an agreement to get along.
I told my childrens father that the beau is spending time with the children and he is going to be in their life, so please don't speak about him negatively to the children.
I told the beau that he(the childrens father) is the childrens father and that will never change, whatever negativity you have towards him, do not display it to the kids.
It was not easy. The beau picked up a lot of slack as the childrens father was absent, but liked to come and go as he pleased. He would assert his fatherhood when he wanted to.
The childrens father and the beau eventually got along and were quite friendly with each other. I never allowed the situation to make the kids or me uncomfortable. I just wouldn't tolerate it. Whenever I felt like one or the other got out of line, I let them know right then.
My children have a HUGE extended family. I think they are fortunate because of it. They know they have a widespread safety net.
It's not easy though, by no means is it easy. I have had the control freak, too. That took a firmer hand and I pray that you won't have to go that route. Good luck!

 

[MyAngelEyez~C~U]

I like how Quinn did it. That was a great idea.^^^

 

[CORBINS]

THANK YOU!

I have been a similar situation before. I sat the childrens father down along with my new beau. I told both of them that for the sake of the children and their well being we all need to come to an agreement to get along.
I told my childrens father that the beau is spending time with the children and he is going to be in their life, so please don't speak about him negatively to the children.
I told the beau that he(the childrens father) is the childrens father and that will never change, whatever negativity you have towards him, do not display it to the kids.
It was not easy. The beau picked up a lot of slack as the childrens father was absent, but liked to come and go as he pleased. He would assert his fatherhood when he wanted to.
The childrens father and the beau eventually got along and were quite friendly with each other. I never allowed the situation to make the kids or me uncomfortable. I just wouldn't tolerate it. Whenever I felt like one or the other got out of line, I let them know right then.
My children have a HUGE extended family. I think they are fortunate because of it. They know they have a widespread safety net.
It's not easy though, by no means is it easy. I have had the control freak, too. That took a firmer hand and I pray that you won't have to go that route. Good luck!

 

[Country gal]

Adding on to what hopeful said, I would bring him around SO's family only if it was serious. Or if it was a very kid friendly event where the children are not forced to interact with the family. For example maybe a cook out where other children are there.

 

[Honey6928215]

Boy are you in a tough situation. From the looks of it, it seems the ex don't like the fact that you are moving on without him of course and he's using the children to make it more difficult. And to add more salt to the wound he's worried that the SO will take his place. What I don't like is the he's putting the children in the middle because they feel pressured. But like you said he's manipulative so that's to be expected. I would say just to make it easier for the kids so they don't feel being caught in the middle, I wouldn't mention anything about going to see your boyfriend and his family to the ex. I don't know the ages of the kids but I would let them have a choice to whether or not if they want to spend time with your SO and family or with their father. But I would make it known to the ex that I AM MOVING ON! And from what I can see it's serious.

Men will use the kids to control you and don't realize THEY are hurting the children not you! But you can't tell them because of their ego. I would make it easier for the kids as possible because the ex will sure as hell will try to make it hard for them.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Lots of women use their kids to manipulate their ex man and they don't care if the kids get hurt in the process. Don't allow your ex to control your new relationship.

I am a firm believe that kids should not meet any boyfriend/girlfriend until it's serious. Having kids see a revolving door of men/women is horrible and gives them a bad impression of the parent. Sounds like you are serious with the new guy and it's time for the kids to meet him. I agree with Quinn that you need to talk with your ex and let him know that this guy has potential to be in your life long term and he needs to get over his BS.

 

[CORBINS]

Thanks ladies for your advice. I am truly grateful!

My children have met my new SO. They really, really like him. After their first meeting, my oldest daughter went back to my ex and told him that she liked him and that he would make a good step-father. This threw my ex into a rage! From that point on, things have been difficult. I believe that even if she never told him that things would be difficult anyway. He drills it into their heads that they need to be around family and family only. I don't push them. They've also been over the my SO's parent's house for Thanksgiving dinner. They had a wonderful time there too, but later on when they told thier daddy about it, he manipulated again. My stance on it is just to remain patient and not pushy. I feel like my girls will observe what is going on and make their own decisions. I have complete cut the ex out of my life. I no longer speak to him because of an incident we had. My life is definately better for it. I only worry about my girls.

I just don't understand why people just can't let go and accept things for what they are. My ex keeps fighting so hard to keep me in his life, but I don't want him anymore and I don't understand why he would would someone who doesn't want him back! Puzzles me!