Dating while living home with parets.. what are your experiences, advice,etc

[sweetvi]

Dating while living with parents or in their home..what are your exp.,advice,etc?

I know times has changed with the recession and even with college educated folks who can't find employment for long periods of time. As a result, many people are forced to return home, especially in their 30's to 40's. In my culture, it is normal to have the women and sometimes men to stay in the home until marriage .

I am against this for several reasons: some parents can become involved and wont respect.your boundaries.

True story: a friend went out with her boyfriend and decided to return home at a reasonable time (midnight) out of respect for her parents. Her mother chased her with a stick, hit her and said she was embarrassing her reputation. ohwell:She was so hurt and shocked and everyone (fam) encouraged her to move out. She was 25 ,educated with a successful career at the time. She is now in her early 30's, still at home and depressed that she is not yet mArried.

There is no reason for her to not be able to move out except culturally she has been conditioned to remain at home until marriage. Smh. (They are Haitian). She says she will feel guilty if she leaves. Her parents are perfectly healthy.

What are your thoughts on that? Can you have a successful relationship while living with parents? Will the guy take advantage of the situation or run away? I personally believe if you are dating someone, you need to see him in all settings and situations. Living with parents makes it difficult..

 

[aviddiva77]

Find someone else who is also living at home? Lol

Pay rent so you can come and go as you please (that's what I did and my mom still gets in my butt when I come home "late").

I have no clue but I'm in this category so I'll be subbing!

As far as feeling guilty for leaving, that's not my problem. I can't find a job that pays enough for me to have my own place even with a roommate. I'll WORRY about my mom. She refuses to use her glasses and is forgetful and has arthritis so I'm afraid of her falling. Plus she can fall into depressive states. So I'm trying my hardest to make sure she's in a better place so I don't worry so much (and I'm getting her a life alert braclet).

But I have to live my own life.

 

[sweetvi]

aviddiva77

I told my friend the same thing. you have to live your own life!!! She actually left for about a year but as an adult returned home because she felt guilty. I feel like she is a result of overbearing parenting and has prevented her from maturing to the point of setting boundaries for her life with friends and family. Her mother is extremely selfish and would be happy if she grows old with all of the children in her home lol. Good woman but selfish in that aspect.

Unfortunately, she never had a real connection with a guy because she had to rush home at a certain time and would only make sure to date as to not disrespect her family. needless to say, the men are all gone or have cheated on her.

I told her in love, there is some risk....

 

[CaraWalker]

ive done it before but i was younger and had just graduated. funnily enough i met both of my last two bfs during brief (less than a year or so) living at home stints. i think i wasnt working in the beginning of those relationships either. so i guess i had a lot of time to devote to finding a bf

both times i found new job/apt around the middle of the relationship so idk. i will say that the second time, after it being such a drag the first time, i avoided going into details about living at home, and kept most of the job search stuff to myself.

so in my experience it hasnt been a dealbreaker but i dont want to be in that position again.

 

[Oasis]

i met my bf when he was living at home but i had my own apartment. he had just moved back after grad school. he is not american.

omg his parents were so annoying! we almost broke up because of it. if he was out with me they were calling wanting to know where he was & what time he'd be home, they would get upset if he spent the night with me, etc. it was like an obsession for them.

this went on for about 5 months. i dont think we would have lasted much longer if he continued to live with his parents. it wouldn't have bothered me if they weren't so overbearing.

-----

otoh, dating and living at home was a breeze for me. my mom is a good mom but she has always been extremely lax. i pretty much have always had free reign to do as i please. i would just let her know i wasn't coming home or what time i'd be home as a courtesy. i was always such a homebody so she was just happy that for once i was out of the house and not a lesbian.

 

[sweetvi]

Oasis

Lol thats exactly what some of my Haitian friendss went through. They would get nasty phone calls and staying out late or not coming home was out of the question. I think if they were lax it us a different story.

I believe that living with parents n dating would work if they respect your boundaries but if not, be gone!

 

[fitchick]

^^ I was going to ask if they were Nigerian Sounds a lot like my parents, talking about you're ruining our reputation and saying that I want to be a 'street girl'

Luckily the last time I lived at home, right after grad school, I had a long-term BF. They thought we were going to get married so they were pretty chill about him coming over and even spending weekends, sleeping in my room and all of that. I was surprised!

 

[ivyness]

^^ I was going to ask if they were Nigerian Sounds a lot like my parents, talking about you're ruining our reputation and saying that I want to be a 'street girl' Luckily the last time I lived at home, right after grad school, I had a long-term BF. They thought we were going to get married so they were pretty chill about him coming over and even spending weekends, sleeping in my room and all of that. I was surprised!

Lol @ the thought of my mother letting a man sleep over at her house.

 

[sweetvi]

My mom would never let a man sleep over. Even I would feel uncomfortable

 

[aviddiva77]

^^ I was going to ask if they were Nigerian Sounds a lot like my parents, talking about you're ruining our reputation and saying that I want to be a 'street girl'

Luckily the last time I lived at home, right after grad school, I had a long-term BF. They thought we were going to get married so they were pretty chill about him coming over and even spending weekends, sleeping in my room and all of that. I was surprised!

Naw. I can't do all that even with her permission! It just seems disrespectful.

 

[fitchick]

Believe me, I was in shock. But they were already calling him my fiancé so I think that had a lot to do with it. They thought he was about to be my husband.. and he was until I broke up with him

 

[nlamr2013]

Right. I don't know anyone eh would let their child have overnight company on their home. My friend has a baby with her bf and they moved from their apartment before they had a new one (long story) so she went to live at home with the baby and her mom wouldnt let the bf/bd come as well. Like I get it but lol she already had a baby what more could occur.

 

[CaraWalker]

i never brought a guy home but that was more about me not wanting to i dont think my mom would have cared.

 

[sweetvi]

Ive had experiences when I was younger where my boyfriend would come to the house and mother would be sitting in the living room in between us. Smh


Loo

 

[jerseyhaircare]

I moved back home for one year after medical school. My parents (Haitian) were ok about the guy I was dating but they would always ask questions. At that time I was 25 and we were dating for 4 years so I didn't understand why my mother needed to know when I was coming home. Once I saved up enough money for a deposit, I moved on out. My mother tried to guilt me "...how will I tell my friends you moved out of the house to live alone...I will be so embarrassed. Girls stay home till they are married..." I told her she'll figure it out, lol.

 

[Ivie184]

My post may be a bit too detailed but I had to share what I have been going through.

My parents are Nigerian and it has not been easy. I lived on my own for a while and then had to move back home. I plan to move again (hopefully for good) by the end of the year or next. With parents like mine, – stubborn/unyielding, controlling, overprotective and very traditional – I have learned to respectfully #justdome when it comes to dating and relationships whether I live in their house or not.

During my college years, I wasn’t allowed to date and was told to focus on my studies OR ELSE. I dated but not with a purpose. After graduating and moving back home, I was asked “Where is your boyfriend??” “You should be looking to settle down and marry by the time you are 25 or 26”. Etc. Etc. Since I did not have one, I was told that I could date BUT the guy(s) had to be Nigerian. No Exceptions.

The guys I dated in undergrad and after were not Nigerians. I tried but I did not like the ones I met and interacted with for many different reasons. It’s not like I didn’t or don’t want to but I have yet to meet one I like. Anyway, this infuriated my parents especially my mother. She threatened to disown me, told me I did not “respect” myself, do you see your life, if you know what is good for you…. and so many other comments that I will not repeat.

Speaking of boundaries…uhhm, what boundaries?! Between the ages of 25-30, my mother took it upon herself to try to play matchmaker. She would ask friends and/or family members if they knew of any eligible bachelors. Next thing I know, I would have some guy calling my phone or sending me a message on Facebook saying he got my number and name from Auntie so and so. Then my mother would ask if so and so has contacted me and by the way I gave your info to or your aunt gave your info on to this guy. Most of these guys do not live in America i.e. they were contacting me from Nigeria or the UK. Btw, I politely turned every single one of them down.

I have told her, on several occasions, to stop and as far as I know, she has. She says she is only trying to be helpful and laments about how I am still unmarried at my age and she had all these expectations about marriage and children by the time I hit 30.

Now, I am 31 and I still unmarried. Although I want to get married, I am completely fine with my status. I have gotten back into the dating scene and I’m optimistic that it will happen when it happens. Nigerian man or not. On the other hand, my parents are having a crisis and are hoping, wishing and praying for a “Naija” son-in-law .

 

[FelaShrine]

fitchick how did they take the breakup

Ivie184 do you have siblings?

if you do you better tell them to get married or knocked up, that will tak the heat off you for a while

 

[Ivie184]

FelaShrineHahaha!! There are 3 after me. Our mother yells "Go and marry" to all of us.

 

[Mortons]

My dad is fine with it so it hasn't been an issue for me. I don't think that it should be an issue for a woman as long as he has his own place.

 

[fitchick]

fitchick how did they take the breakup

Ivie184 do you have siblings?

if you do you better tell them to get married or knocked up, that will tak the heat off you for a while

My mom was more devastated than I was. She didn't speak to me for weeks!

I mean breaking up at 30 with no future prospects.. they think it's a wrap for me. And they may be right

 

[fitchick]

Hahaha!! There are 3 after me. Our mother yells "Go and marry" to all of us.

Ivie.. you better not have my middle name

Ok, ok.. I'll cut you some slack if you're truly Edo. You know ain't alot of us around these parts

 

[melisandre]

I live with my family and I have a SO. It's not a big deal. If I go out with my boyfriend, my family doesn't expect me to come home that night unless I have work the next day. The only time they say anything is when they miss me and want me to spent quality time with them.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

 

[Nayna]

Since I moved back home a couple of years ago my rule has been no one is coming over here and that's that. If we are just dating then he doesn't need to be here anyway. Now if we are getting serious I would have to make adjustments. My bf has his own place so I go over there most of the time. I'm finally bringing him to meet the family as my mother thinks he doesn't exist and that I'm a lesbian. I haven't brought a guy to meet her in at least 4 years. I just don't see why she has to meet people if we aren't serious. But even after this I don't intend for him to hang out here and def not sleep over. That's not happening. My brother can get away with these things, I cannot. I hope to move this year as well. They want to buy a family house but I'm thinking about opting out. I need my space. I love my mama but she can be overbearing.

 

[sweetvi]

I live with my family and I have a SO. It's not a big deal. If I go out with my boyfriend, my family doesn't expect me to come home that night unless I have work the next day. The only time they say anything is when they miss me and want me to spent quality time with them.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

melisandre

I wish my my moms was like that

 

[girlonfire]

I'm not yet in my 30s (and won't be for a decade) but I will say this: dating while living at home is nearly impossible. I work at night mostly. Sometimes I don't come home until 11pm and even then my grandmother is scared to death of the infinite possibilities that may have lead to my demise.
I am not currently dating anyone and I don't see how that's going to change given my situation. It kinda sucks really. But I guess I would have to meet a guy and talk to him before I worry about alladat.
My mother would probably LOVE to meet any guy I date. Now a sleep over?? I can't even fathom. But I don't think I'd ever bring home a guy who I had not been with for at least six months but then again with all the crazy stuff that happens now, people slicin' up their SOs and dumping them in the river and other crazy ish I guess it would be good for her to at least have a picture or something.

 

[SlimPickinz]

I had an SO while I lived at home. We spent the night at each other's house on a regular basis and I stayed out as late as I wanted. But I don't have a traditional mother so yea. If I lived at home now I'd still be dating.

I'm glad I never had these troubles..

 

[C@ssandr@]

I live with my mom and I will never forget how one time (recently) I came home really late. I had on a little bitty dress. She wasn't supposed to be up since it was the wee hours of the morning, but she was..So I dipped into my room as she was coming down the hall but she saw me anyway.

I tried to to strip the darn dress off as fast as I could to no avail. My mom busted my door open just to make fun of me and kept it moving.

My mom thinks I don't date, or drink. She makes fun of my early bedtime and the fact that I'm home on most Friday nights. I just hate sitting through her awkward questions so I keep her out of my love life.

 

[brittle_hair]

The mere thought of dating while living with parents is why i moved out at 23. It's hard to go back to living with parents especially when you have had all the freedom of living on your own while at uni.

 

[LaBelleLL]

Funny. I'm dating while living at home and it's great. My parents stay out of my business. If anything they get concerned when I return home due to safety of walking to my car and nothing else.

Before I moved back home, I was ready for them though. My mom is always talking about me getting married. When she has come for me about coming home late and my safety - I tell her "you want me to get married don't you? Well sitting here in the house with you married people will get me nowhere". She usually laughs and has nothing to say to that.

 

[NOEChic]

Right. I don't know anyone eh would let their child have overnight company on their home. My friend has a baby with her bf and they moved from their apartment before they had a new one (long story) so she went to live at home with the baby and her mom wouldnt let the bf/bd come as well. Like I get it but lol she already had a baby what more could occur.

he needs to find his own place/make a place for his family.