Dating someone cause you don't want to be alone..need advice

[Kiadodie]

I've always been the type of girl that stayed alone cause I didn't want to settle for less. I also have a hard time "going with the flow". I didn't understand why people were in relationships with people KNOWING it wasn't going to work or that person wasn't for them.

NOW, I find myself seeing this guy knowing that he's NOT the one cause we have totally different religions (he's Muslim & I'm Christian) which plays a big part on the marriage thing. However, I continue to see him off and on for the past year.

My cousin asked me why I was wasting my time. THe thing is, I have NOONE else in my life right now. THis dude doesn't give me what i want meaning candelight dinners and wonderful dates, HOWEVER, he is someone that can keep me company from time to time until someone I REALLY want can come in my life. BUT the bottom line is I'm not satisfied erplexed and I haven't found what I wanted. I like the guy but knowing he can't meet my long-term goals, I can't be committ 100% emotionally.

Am I "wasting my time" or should I continue seeing the guy and relax and see what happens??

 

[dreysonsmommy2011]

sounds like you already made up your mind that he is no good for you....If I were you I wouldn't waste my time

 

[Kiadodie]

sounds like you already made up your mind that he is no good for you....If I were you I wouldn't waste my time

Soooo sitting @ home by myself would be better??? I know it may sound pathetic but that's where I am right now. Ugh

 

[*KP*]

I don't see it as a problem if you keep it casual and you both know where you stand with each other. It should be just like going out with a friend, right?

 

[Kiadodie]

I don't see it as a problem if you keep it casual and you both know where you stand with each other. It should be just like going out with a friend, right?[/quote]


Well no...not when sex is involved. erplexed

 

[gone_fishing]

Ummmmm......

Assuming you have agreed to be mutually exclusive....

What you are all strapped down with Mr. hesalright when Mr. hestheone comes along?

I just think there's no point in being in a relationship when he's not the one. It leaves you unavailable to be truly happy with someone that deserves you.

I understand what you mean though...I've been there once...and I had a hard time ending it.

When I was going through my divorce, my ex did not want one at all. He did a lot to try to stop it. BUT, he also did a good job at brainwashing me. He told me no man would ever want a woman with a child. He told me that's why so many black women are single because we all have babies and no man wants a ready made family. He did that in an effort to make me feel like I had no choice but to stay.

I didn't believe him intellectually but somewhere in my subconscious that idea existed because I lowered my standards in regards to what I wanted. I dated this guy for 8 months and I knew he wasn't the one at month 4 but it took me 4 additional months to finally walk away for that very reason (that I didn't want to be alone).

 

[sky_blu]

Now I never have but Im about to start. Im tired of being alone when I have people interested in me, its just too bad the feeling isnt mutual. Sucks being alone though. But then again not only are you wasting your time but your wasting his if he thinks it could be more.

 

[Kiadodie]

Ummmmm......

Assuming you have agreed to be mutually exclusive....

What you are all strapped down with Mr. hesalright when Mr. hestheone comes along?

I just think there's no point in being in a relationship when he's not the one. It leaves you unavailable to be truly happy with someone that deserves you.

I understand what you mean though...I've been there once...and I had a hard time ending it.

When I was going through my divorce, my ex did not want one at all. He did a lot to try to stop it. BUT, he also did a good job at brainwashing me. He told me no man would ever want a woman with a child. He told me that's why so many black women are single because we all have babies and no man wants a ready made family. He did that in an effort to make me feel like I had no choice but to stay.

I didn't believe him intellectually but somewhere in my subconscious that idea existed because I lowered my standards in regards to what I wanted. I dated this guy for 8 months and I knew he wasn't the one at month 4 but it took me 4 additional months to finally walk away for that very reason (that I didn't want to be alone).

You said it exactly...I feel like that's what I am doing, and in fact that IS what I'm doing. erplexed

 

[firecracker]

I don't see it as a problem if you keep it casual and you both know where you stand with each other. It should be just like going out with a friend, right?

ITA with the above. As long as you both know where you stand whats the problem? Well outside of you not getting out and mingling for a better candidate. You know that other man can't find you inside your house unless he's a repair guy type.

ETA: I just read sex is involved and you don't go out. Thats a bootay call. Do you.

 

[Cincysweetie]

This is what I'm going through now. I've never been hard pressed to have a man but I'm tired of being alone!

I been hanging out with this guy lately and he's just NOT it...although I enjoy his company as a friend. Hmm....

 

[Blu217]

This is why I'm (happily) single now.

I don't even see the point in talking to an interested guy I know would never hold real potential--my friends call me hardcore, but I don't waste my time or anyone else's. I still feel better being occasionally lonely, which passes, than being obviously uncomfortable with my own choices just because they allow me to have a guy on hand.

And I don't sit at home wishing I had a date; I have a social life. You don't need a man to get out of the house. You just need interests, a few occasionally available girlfriends and a little independence.

If you have to ask, you already know the answer. You probably just don't like the answer.

 

[Kiadodie]

This is why I'm (happily) alone now.

I don't even see the point in talking to a guy I'm not attracted to or don't want to spend time with. I still feel better being occasionally lonely, which passes, than being obviously uncomfortable with my own choices just because they allow me to have a guy on hand.

And I don't sit at home wishing I had a date; I have a social life. You don't need a man to get out of the house. You just need interests, a few occasionally available girlfriends and a little independence.

If you have to ask, you already know the answer. You probably just don't like the answer.

The thing is, KNOWING that this guy isn't for me cause of religion reasons and on TOP of that, he doesn't treat me as I should be treated, I"m like WTF am I doing???? Why am I allowing this to happen and I realized it's purely because I don't want to be alone. OH lawd..Im just so tired of letting men go cause they're not the one or they don't meet my expectations. erplexed WHy can't one just work out???????????????

 

[SouthernJewel]

This is what I'm going through now. I've never been hard pressed to have a man but I'm tired of being alone!

I been hanging out with this guy lately and he's just NOT it...although I enjoy his company as a friend. Hmm....

Exactly! I'd rather go out to with someone I have no interest in then be at home alone.
I will go out with ANYBODY.(As long as their not married).
Shoot,Im all about having fun! Especially if I dont have to come out of pocket...
Thats the point of dating! Having fun and companionship.

But errah OP,I wouldnt be sexing ole dude.Especially if I wasnt feeling him like that. Unless a fcuk buddy is what you're looking for...

 

[janiebaby]

Exactly! I'd rather go out to with someone I have no interest in then be at home alone.
I will go out with ANYBODY.(As long as their not married).
Shoot,Im all about having fun! Especially if I dont have to come out of pocket...
Thats the point of dating! Having fun and companionship.

But errah OP,I wouldnt be sexing ole dude.Especially if I wasnt feeling him like that. Unless a fcuk buddy is what you're looking for...

I can't spend time with a man that I'm not attracted to I would be agitated and repulsed with them smiling in my face even if they were cute. Am I mean?

 

[Kiadodie]

I can't spend time with a man that I'm not attracted to I would be agitated and repulsed with them smiling in my face even if they were cute. Am I mean?

Nope, I totally understand. I'm TOTALLY attracted to him and the sex is great ..but like I said, for long-term..is this a good idea KNOWING he will not become my husband. I'm in my early 30's so this is something I have to consider. I WANT to get married and have kids one day. Is this guy a prospect? No. He's a GREAT catch. He has it ALL but not for me..not in terms of his religion. erplexed

 

[Blu217]

Let's take a look at what it takes to make a good relationship happen:

Mutual attraction
Mutual interests
Awesome timing
Mutually open hearts and minds
You both have to fit each other's lists of basic needs and wants in a long-term partner (education, intellect, race, religion, politics, family values...)

Basically it's asking for moons to align and stars to collide--those things comprise a rare combination we're all hoping to find. Most of my girlfriends feel the same way you do, Kia. I know very few healthy, happy couples. And the ones who are are kinda clueless about their partners so they don't know yet how unhappy they're gonna be. As jaded as I sound, I'm not--I just know a lot of people who are making waaay too many compromises just to have a man and finding ways to convince themselves it's OK to accept the 40 things that are not working because of the 3 that are.

Take heart; it's not you. It's just hard.

I do think that in our 30s we don't have the time to waste we had in our 20s. If you know this relationship isn't going to lead to marriage, and you want marriage, you have two options: Stay with this guy who will block your availabilty for the man who might give you what you need (you'll lose good time this way) or let him go, make peace with "sitting home alone" and cultivate other interests that will bring you into places where you are likely to meet a man who's a good match for what you want and need.

You said this guy doesn't even treat you right. I don't get the fear of being alone; I fear being treated in ways less than I think I deserved and would much rather be alone if that's the case.

 

[Kiadodie]

Let's take a look at what it takes to make a good relationship happen:

Mutual attraction
Mutual interests
Awesome timing
Mutually open hearts and minds
You both have to fit each other's lists of basic needs and wants in a long-term partner (education, intellect, race, religion, politics, family values...)

Basically it's asking for moons to align and stars to collide--those things comprise a rare combination we're all hoping to find. Most of my girlfriends feel the same way you do, Kia. I know very few healthy, happy couples. And the ones who are are kinda clueless about their partners so they don't know yet how unhappy they're gonna be. As jaded as I sound, I'm not--I just know a lot of people who are making waaay too many compromises just to have a man and finding ways to convince themselves it's OK to accept the 40 things that are not working because of the 3 that are.

Take heart; it's not you. It's just hard.

I do think that in our 30s we don't have the time to waste we had in our 20s. If you know this relationship isn't going to lead to marriage, and you want marriage, you have two options: Stay with this guy who will block your availabilty for the man who might give you what you need (you'll lose good time this way) or let him go, make peace with "sitting home alone" and cultivate other interests that will bring you into places where you are likely to meet a man who's a good match for what you want and need.

You said this guy doesn't even treat you right. I don't get the fear of being alone; I fear being treated in ways less than I think I deserved and would much rather be alone if that's the case.

I take comfort in what you said in bold. What I want, is hard and rare to find these days erplexed.

I'm just SOOOOO tired Blu of wishing, hoping, praying (literally) for the man of my desires to come. Lately I've been asking myself what could I do different???? Yet, all around me, either everyone is single or w/ someone they are not happy with (meaning they settled).

 

[bluediamond0829]

Well i dont think you should be stressing over it that much...

i mean like one of my friends said about one guy that i was seeing that really couldnt offer me much and i knew culturally we probably wouldnt go any further..

Ride the pinto until a jag comes along.

It depends sometimes i rather be alone at home instead of being bothered with someone that i know im wasting my time with...but then again those weekends look great when you have it with someone to go out with...

just keep it casual if you want and expect more in life then just dont allow him to tie you down.

Personally i would keep him on the side when i feel like being bothered with him then so be it. Other than that im still doing what i normally would and not closing the door on any other men that approach me.

But its your decision and i have been there in some ways im still there.

 

[*KP*]

I don't see it as a problem if you keep it casual and you both know where you stand with each other. It should be just like going out with a friend, right?[/quote]


Well no...not when sex is involved. erplexed

Ah, you didn't say that bit!! You know he's not right for you, move on. Sex complicates things. Sometimes when you are dealing with Mr Right Now, you won't notice Mr Right as he walks by. Alone time is good, you can figure out what you really want so that you can recognize it when you find it.

 

[SouthernJewel]

I can't spend time with a man that I'm not attracted to I would be agitated and repulsed with them smiling in my face even if they were cute. Am I mean?

Not at all! You're just not bored enough!

But seriously, I will NOT date an unattractive man.
Now granted, I find the beauty in most men.Rather it be looks,personality or money. So my attractive,more than likely wont be yours. (My friends would so agree with this statement).
This is a learned behavior. I used to be extremely picky and lonely.
I got over that.

Let me see. Hmmm...loneliness or free dinner?
Free dinner! I loves to eat man!

 

[SEMO]

Unless you want to end up "unequally yoked" I wouldn't waste more time on him. You might miss a good man wasting time with this one.

 

[SouthernJewel]

Unless you want to end up "unequally yoked" I wouldn't waste more time on him. You might miss a good man wasting time with this one.

I think OP (correct me if im wrong) is only dating him to "pass time".
Once she finds a winner, ole dude will be history.

 

[Kiadodie]

I think OP (correct me if im wrong) is only dating him to "pass time".
Once she finds a winner, ole dude will be history.

Very true..I am

 

[Mena]

I did this with my last ex. He was a 'trophy'. We got along. We liked each other. However, we didn't like each other enough to take it to the next level. So, we just stayed together and passed time. Eventually, we broke it off. It was mutual though. You just need to find a good activity to replace him. Now, I am focusing on my career more and contacting old friends.

 

[noemi]

I just had this conversation with a coworker. Its like you are killing time with someone when in reality there is no room in your life for that someone special. And I have learned the HARDDD way to never settle. Each time I settled, I regretted it for one reason or the other. I was always been left with the short end of the stick when settling. My advice, don't settle cause you may be missing out of something bigger and better. Being alone is difficult and lonely, but in the end its for the better. Take the time to reflect to make you 'that girl' and the right one WILL come along. They always do!

 

[dreysonsmommy2011]

Soooo sitting @ home by myself would be better??? I know it may sound pathetic but that's where I am right now. Ugh

All I am saying is that you really don't sound to happy about the situation, so just get out of the situation. You could use the alone time to focus more on you, family,friends etc. you don't have to be alone. If you two are just friends then I really don't see what the problem is. Just whatever you do keep your options open and don't feel like you have to settle for Mr.Rightnow

 

[Kiadodie]

All I am saying is that you really don't sound to happy about the situation, so just get out of the situation. You could use the alone time to focus more on you, family,friends etc. you don't have to be alone. If you two are just friends then I really don't see what the problem is. Just whatever you do keep your options open and don't feel like you have to settle for Mr.Rightnow

You're right, I"m NOT happy. So I've decided to cut it off. I realized that the bottom line is, I'm settling for less & I don't want that to happen no matter what. Someone on here has a great quote stating that when you settle for less you get less than you settled for? I think that's how it goes.

Thanks ALL for the advice. I appreciate it.