Dating People You Don't Like

[cocoberry10]

Hello Ladies:

How many of you find yourselves in these situations? There is this guy that is fiercely pursuing me, but I’m honestly not interested. I am dating people (more than one) right now, so it’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, but I am not interested in him. However, I tried to make a “pact” of sorts with myself that if a man approached me and he was respectful, etc. I would at least give him one date. How do you handle this stuff? I’m told by my guy friends that I can be too nice, so I’m trying to improve on this!

 

[cocoberry10]

Bumping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[gone_fishing]

This is a difficult situation. Women do complain a lot that there are no good men but when they run into one (if he is one) they want to dismiss him if he's the wrong height - wrong job - wrong something based on things other than his personality. Obviously, you have the right to be attracted to whomever we want. But I think SOME of us shoot ourselves in the foot by demanding perfection from a man and not giving a "good man" a chance.

Many of us are in hot pursuit or at least interested in the classic "alpha male" who is suave, charismatic, good looking, and maybe financially well off.

The problem with alpha males is that they often want to mate with the whole pride of lionesses.

If you aren't interested at all then I'd say don't waste his time you know...but if you think you might garner some interest after spending some time with him...it's possible.

There are a lot of people who didn't feel lust and engorged genitalia at first sight but once they got to know each other...they developed a friendship and then a relationship. Often times this type of relationship can be BETTER and more stable than the ones that started with immediate attraction and lustfulness.

I think it cannot hurt to go out with him. I've heard a few women on the board admit to being married to someone that they would consider "unattractive" but their marriages are long standing and they learned to love them and their physical appearance.

You haven't said that WHY you are not interested though so I can only speculate that it may be because he's not cute enough...

 

[Syrah]

Hello Ladies:

How many of you find yourselves in these situations? There is this guy that is fiercely pursuing me, but I’m honestly not interested. I am dating people (more than one) right now, so it’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, but I am not interested in him. However, I tried to make a “pact” of sorts with myself that if a man approached me and he was respectful, etc. I would at least give him one date. How do you handle this stuff? I’m told by my guy friends that I can be too nice, so I’m trying to improve on this!

Trying to be nice, friendly, open and receptive to a man's respectful advances doesn't mean you have to date people you don't like.

What's the point?!?

 

[cocoberry10]

Thanks ladies. I've read your responses. I will probably give this guy one date.

He has turned me off a little (actually a lot)! He's 14 years my senior (which isn't ideal, but I know these things can work). I'm still in my early/mid 20's, so I'm dating more than one person at a time, and I'm not in a serious relationship right now.

He has convinced himself after one conversation that I'm the "one," which is slightly frightening, and it seems like he wants me to confirm that I think he's the "one" but we haven't even gone on a date yet. He keeps telling me how special I am, and all I can think is "dude, I don't even know you yet." And we haven't even gone on one date. I'm not the type of female that wears my heart on my sleeve with most guys early on, so it's especially awkward for me to have a guy that does that. I, like many females, am attracted to Alpha males, but I'm also attracted to a variety of guys. I've dated good and bad alpha males, so I take them, like the "sensitive guy" on an individual basis.

Truthfully I was not physically attracted to him in any way, but I genuinely thought he was a nice guy, so I gave him my phone number. The last time we spoke, he said "I saw you checking me out behind your sunglasses." But I was not checking him out at all (although I didn't have the heart to say this). Career wise, he's not college educated, and this doesn't bother me, but since I'm running his stats, I'll go there. He is also White (again, this is not a huge issue, b/c if I was attracted to him, it would be all good, but it makes it a little harder, since I'm not). I don't want to lead this man on, but I feel that one date probably won't hurt. It will give me a chance to get to know him, and I'm trying to keep an open mind! I'm not sure if I like him yet, and I feel like he's planning a future, which shows interest, but I can't make promises to him (or any guy I'm dating right now). Also, he made a comment to me that "you aren't like the other Black women I've dated." I don't know what he means by this, so I will let my resident LHCF ladies give advice!

I'm wondering if I shouldn't have given him my phone number. Also, if I don't answer my phone, he seems to get really paranoid. I'm worried that he's one of those insecure types, and I just can't deal with that right now! During our second conversation last night, he told me he's told all his friends about me and his family. I'm not upset about this, but I feel like this guy is looking for a serious relationship, and if we are compatible, that's one thing. But sometimes, there are people that I think are in love with the idea of being in love more than being with a person! And I wonder if that's him!

 

[tatje]

In all honesty, I was talking to someone I didn't like like that and he became more and more interested with every conversation. I kept telling him I wasn't interested and thought we could be cool but he wasn't really trying to hear that and eventually everything he said to me or any advances he made towards me disgusted me. It was like I was the guy trying to back him off and tell him get away. My advice, don't do it.

 

[msroddy]

Thanks ladies. I've read your responses. I will probably give this guy one date.

He has convinced himself after one conversation that I'm the "one," which is slightly frightening, and it seems like he wants me to confirm that I think he's the "one" but we haven't even gone on a date yet. He keeps telling me how special I am, and all I can think is "dude, I don't even know you yet." And we haven't even gone on one date. I'm not the type of female that wears my heart on my sleeve with most guys early on, so it's especially awkward for me to have a guy that does that. I, like many females, am attracted to Alpha males, but I'm also attracted to a variety of guys. I've dated good and bad alpha males, so I take them, like the "sensitive guy" on an individual basis.


I'm wondering if I shouldn't have given him my phone number. Also, if I don't answer my phone, he seems to get really paranoid. I'm worried that he's one of those insecure types, and I just can't deal with that right now! During our second conversation last night, he told me he's told all his friends about me and his family. I'm not upset about this, but I feel like this guy is looking for a serious relationship, and if we are compatible, that's one thing. But sometimes, there are people that I think are in love with the idea of being in love more than being with a person! And I wonder if that's him!

I think you should trust your instincts, which it seems from your post, is tell you to be cautious. I'm weary of guys that jump out of the box like that with all the compliments when they have no idea who you are as a person. I've fallen for that before and those guys are usually the ones that try really hard to keep their "crazy" under wraps until one day....

If you're not feeling him, don't feel like you have to date him out of guilt or obligation. That's not how the world works. Thats why its called dating. You do what's best for you and if he's not your type, talk to him or don't talk to him, but don't feel obligated to date him.

 

[tatje]

Thanks ladies. I've read your responses. I will probably give this guy one date.

He has turned me off a little (actually a lot)! He's 14 years my senior (which isn't ideal, but I know these things can work). I'm still in my early/mid 20's, so I'm dating more than one person at a time, and I'm not in a serious relationship right now.

He has convinced himself after one conversation that I'm the "one," which is slightly frightening, and it seems like he wants me to confirm that I think he's the "one" but we haven't even gone on a date yet. He keeps telling me how special I am, and all I can think is "dude, I don't even know you yet." And we haven't even gone on one date. I'm not the type of female that wears my heart on my sleeve with most guys early on, so it's especially awkward for me to have a guy that does that. I, like many females, am attracted to Alpha males, but I'm also attracted to a variety of guys. I've dated good and bad alpha males, so I take them, like the "sensitive guy" on an individual basis.

Truthfully I was not physically attracted to him in any way, but I genuinely thought he was a nice guy, so I gave him my phone number. The last time we spoke, he said "I saw you checking me out behind your sunglasses." But I was not checking him out at all (although I didn't have the heart to say this). Career wise, he's not college educated, and this doesn't bother me, but since I'm running his stats, I'll go there. He is also White (again, this is not a huge issue, b/c if I was attracted to him, it would be all good, but it makes it a little harder, since I'm not). I don't want to lead this man on, but I feel that one date probably won't hurt. It will give me a chance to get to know him, and I'm trying to keep an open mind! I'm not sure if I like him yet, and I feel like he's planning a future, which shows interest, but I can't make promises to him (or any guy I'm dating right now). Also, he made a comment to me that "you aren't like the other Black women I've dated." I don't know what he means by this, so I will let my resident LHCF ladies give advice!

I'm wondering if I shouldn't have given him my phone number. Also, if I don't answer my phone, he seems to get really paranoid. I'm worried that he's one of those insecure types, and I just can't deal with that right now! During our second conversation last night, he told me he's told all his friends about me and his family. I'm not upset about this, but I feel like this guy is looking for a serious relationship, and if we are compatible, that's one thing. But sometimes, there are people that I think are in love with the idea of being in love more than being with a person! And I wonder if that's him!

My personal thoughts, (because I have heard this before) is to run. Guys like him come off (to me) as desperate and crazy. It's like you don't even know me, what I like, my favorite color, anything. He's the type of person that if you guys went out on a date, meet him there. Don't let him know where you work or live (if you continue this) for a long time. What a big turn off. Ugh.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Many of us are in hot pursuit or at least interested in the classic "alpha male" who is suave, charismatic, good looking, and maybe financially well off.

The problem with alpha males is that they often want to mate with the whole pride of lionesses.

If you aren't interested at all then I'd say don't waste his time you know...but if you think you might garner some interest after spending some time with him...it's possible.

There are a lot of people who didn't feel lust and engorged genitalia at first sight but once they got to know each other...they developed a friendship and then a relationship. Often times this type of relationship can be BETTER and more stable than the ones that started with immediate attraction and lustfulness.

I think it cannot hurt to go out with him. I've heard a few women on the board admit to being married to someone that they would consider "unattractive" but their marriages are long standing and they learned to love them and their physical appearance.

You haven't said that WHY you are not interested though so I can only speculate that it may be because he's not cute enough...

ROTFL!!!

I'm sorry, but that statement in bold had me cracking up! I don't know why!! LOL*

*ahem* Anyway...

Coco:
I know how you feel. I've been there before. There have been a lot of guys that I have known who were supposedly VERY interested in me, but either they were too ugly (I'm talking NO physical attraction whatsoever), too needy or clingy, or too WEIRD to strike my fancy. So, I just kind of let them know by my actions that I wasn't that interested in them.

There was one guy that even my mom was pressuring me to date simply because he liked me "a lot", and seemed like a "nice guy". He DID seem like a nice guy, and I even spoke with him on the phone quite a few times. But I just really wasn't feeling him. Plus, he was weird! No offense. One day, he asked me to go out with him to get some coffee. I felt bad for him, so I ALMOST accepted his invitation UNTIL I spoke with a guy friend about it. Now, this is just his opinion, but he told me that if I really wasn't interested in this guy, then I shouldn't go out with him even to get coffee, because while I could just be thinking that it was "just coffee", here this guy is probably thinking that I'm interested...when I'm not. He said that I would be getting his hopes up and giving him false hope. So, I took his advice and ended up not going with him.

That was about two years ago. Now days however...since the the pickings seem to be a bit slim (lol), I'm starting to give more guys a chance. Even guys that I don't find immediately attractive at first. As long as they are nice, respectful, and are into me, that's already some pluses. But I won't entertain the idea of a guy who is weird, not respectful, just out to get one thing, or just butt ugly. I'm sorry...looks aren't everything, but there just has to be SOME kind of attraction there. He doesn't have to look like a GQ model, but if he's ugly...I'm sorry....

So...bottom line, I'd say...
If this guy perhaps isn't the first guy you would pick, but you can see his good points and perhaps maybe you could imagine yourself falling for him in the future, then I say give these guys a chance! Why not?? At the very least you'll get to know what you like/don't like in men. Plus, it's always better (IMO) for the guy to be a little more into you than you are into him. Trust me, I'm coming from an unrequited love experience...so now days I don't even crush over, or pine after guys anymore who aren't really into me. BUT...if this is a guy that you just absolutely don't like, and you really can't see yourself liking him in the future, then by all means you don't have to go out with him!

We as women have standards too! Why is it that we WOMEN always have to yield to the men? Why is it a guy can be butt ugly, but still go seek out model type women and nobody says anything about him? Not to sound vain or anything, but most women would like a guy to be nice-looking (to them) too, in addition to being a good provider, charismatic, nice, etc. That's just my .02.

 

[cocoberry10]

In all honesty, I was talking to someone I didn't like like that and he became more and more interested with every conversation. I kept telling him I wasn't interested and thought we could be cool but he wasn't really trying to hear that and eventually everything he said to me or any advances he made towards me disgusted me. It was like I was the guy trying to back him off and tell him get away. My advice, don't do it.

I couldn’t help but giggle when I read your post, especially the bolded

 

[cocoberry10]

We as women have standards too! Why is it that we WOMEN always have to yield to the men? Why is it a guy can be butt ugly, but still go seek out model type women and nobody says anything about him? Not to sound vain or anything, but most women would like a guy to be nice-looking (to them) too, in addition to being a good provider, charismatic, nice, etc. That's just my .02.

:thatsall: Yeah, you just about shut this down. Thanks

 

[janiebaby]

We as women have standards too! Why is it that we WOMEN always have to yield to the men? Why is it a guy can be butt ugly, but still go seek out model type women and nobody says anything about him? Not to sound vain or anything, but most women would like a guy to be nice-looking (to them) too, in addition to being a good provider, charismatic, nice, etc. That's just my .02.

Yes! I highly doubt that you're the type of woman that would only go for model type men so why shouldn't you be with a man that you find attractive? Even if he is butt ugly to other people the #1 requirement should still be that YOU are attracted to him. If a man isn't attracted to you in some way, trust me he will not give you the time of day unless he's known you for a minute and he's grown to be attracted to you. Either way a man isn't gonna be with you unless he's attracted to YOU. If you've been around him and you still aren't feeling his swagger than don't go for it. Why settle and make his life HELL resenting him?

 

[esoterica]

Hey cocoberry10. Yes, you are being too nice. Your male friends are correct. Don't waste your time on him, because he would never do it for you.

 

[Afrikaisi]

Run far far away

 

[Afrikaisi]

ROTFL!!!


We as women have standards too! Why is it that we WOMEN always have to yield to the men? Why is it a guy can be butt ugly, but still go seek out model type women and nobody says anything about him? Not to sound vain or anything, but most women would like a guy to be nice-looking (to them) too, in addition to being a good provider, charismatic, nice, etc. That's just my .02.

Very funny post. But I think its, because we are the ones who usually are looking for the commited relationships. Men are dogs and sleep around. We as women usually want to settle down. So if you an oogly man you can find a pretty woman to make you feel better about yourself especially if you have money and are good to her. Good looking men are usually jerks, dogs, etc because alot of women are after them, and many of them don't know how to deal with it, IMO. My brother is a good looking man, and I see what he goes through with women. I mean, some women are just plain hoes, anyway another topic. Probably less than 5% of the male population of goodlooking aren't jerks. So good luck.

ETA:When I say goodlooking I am talking about drop dead goodlooks not your average joe good looks.

 

[cocoberry10]

Hey cocoberry10. Yes, you are being too nice. Your male friends are correct. Don't waste your time on him, because he would never do it for you.

Run far far away

Run Forest Run I thank you all for your advice!

 

[WomanlyCharm]

Thanks ladies. I've read your responses. I will probably give this guy one date.

He has turned me off a little (actually a lot)! He's 14 years my senior (which isn't ideal, but I know these things can work). I'm still in my early/mid 20's, so I'm dating more than one person at a time, and I'm not in a serious relationship right now.

He has convinced himself after one conversation that I'm the "one," which is slightly frightening, and it seems like he wants me to confirm that I think he's the "one" but we haven't even gone on a date yet. He keeps telling me how special I am, and all I can think is "dude, I don't even know you yet." And we haven't even gone on one date. I'm not the type of female that wears my heart on my sleeve with most guys early on, so it's especially awkward for me to have a guy that does that. I, like many females, am attracted to Alpha males, but I'm also attracted to a variety of guys. I've dated good and bad alpha males, so I take them, like the "sensitive guy" on an individual basis.

Truthfully I was not physically attracted to him in any way, but I genuinely thought he was a nice guy, so I gave him my phone number. The last time we spoke, he said "I saw you checking me out behind your sunglasses." But I was not checking him out at all (although I didn't have the heart to say this). Career wise, he's not college educated, and this doesn't bother me, but since I'm running his stats, I'll go there. He is also White (again, this is not a huge issue, b/c if I was attracted to him, it would be all good, but it makes it a little harder, since I'm not). I don't want to lead this man on, but I feel that one date probably won't hurt. It will give me a chance to get to know him, and I'm trying to keep an open mind! I'm not sure if I like him yet, and I feel like he's planning a future, which shows interest, but I can't make promises to him (or any guy I'm dating right now). Also, he made a comment to me that "you aren't like the other Black women I've dated." I don't know what he means by this, so I will let my resident LHCF ladies give advice!

I'm wondering if I shouldn't have given him my phone number. Also, if I don't answer my phone, he seems to get really paranoid. I'm worried that he's one of those insecure types, and I just can't deal with that right now! During our second conversation last night, he told me he's told all his friends about me and his family. I'm not upset about this, but I feel like this guy is looking for a serious relationship, and if we are compatible, that's one thing. But sometimes, there are people that I think are in love with the idea of being in love more than being with a person! And I wonder if that's him!

*shaking my head*

No no no NONONONO cocoberry, don't do it!!!

Why are you even giving this fool the time of day? You ARE being too nice! Stop it!!! Don't make me come over there and tell him where to stick his condescending attitude!
You deserve someone you're attracted too, a real prince...not this stupid frog. Tell this goon to bounce.

 

[glamazon386]

If I don't like them after one date I just usually ignore them after that. If they call me, I might answer but I never call them. They usually get the picture and back off.

 

[glamazon386]

We as women have standards too! Why is it that we WOMEN always have to yield to the men? Why is it a guy can be butt ugly, but still go seek out model type women and nobody says anything about him? Not to sound vain or anything, but most women would like a guy to be nice-looking (to them) too, in addition to being a good provider, charismatic, nice, etc. That's just my .02.

I've often wondered this too. I guess they feel that if they're charming enough, the woman will be interested. OH HELL NO. I like me some Eye Candy. I think I'm an attractive girl, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to date somebody who is at least equally attractive. People look at me like I'm crazy all the time for saying that but it's the truth.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Dont waste your time in this one life we have. You deserve to be with someone you actually like.

Also

A guy friend once told me, if you don't like a guy, LEAVE HIM ALONE. Why? Well, in his words, you can get hurt/ physically or worse. Don't put yourself in a position where he can feel like you were playing with his emotions.

I know I'm going for the worse case scenario, but that type of thinking has kept me from trouble in many a situation.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Yes! I highly doubt that you're the type of woman that would only go for model type men so why shouldn't you be with a man that you find attractive? Even if he is butt ugly to other people the #1 requirement should still be that YOU are attracted to him. If a man isn't attracted to you in some way, trust me he will not give you the time of day unless he's known you for a minute and he's grown to be attracted to you. Either way a man isn't gonna be with you unless he's attracted to YOU. If you've been around him and you still aren't feeling his swagger than don't go for it. Why settle and make his life HELL resenting him?

LOL! THANK YOU! As long as I find the guy attractive, or somewhat nice-looking, then that's all that matters to me. I couldn't really care less what OTHER people thought.

I learned long time ago that if a guy doesn't find you attractive, then he's not going to approach you or want to really date you/view you as long-term relationship material. Will he sleep with you?? Probably. But view as long-term material?? Heck no! He probably won't even go so far as sleeping with you if he thinks you're "ugly". But yet, the women should "give the guy a chance" even if he's not in the least attractive to them simply because he's "nice".

*sigh* Oh well...it's still a double standard for men.


The only red flag I saw with your guy Coco is the fact how he was telling you that you were "the one" after one phone conversation. Umm...that's sweet and everything, but also kind of creepy at the same time. Trust me, the guy that was so pressed for me was acting like he knew me for ages. I'm like: "Umm...you don't even really know me buddy. So, stop professing your love for me." Again...this probably goes back to the old age saying that nobody really likes something that comes too easy. Kind of makes you wonder...

 

[cocoberry10]

If I don't like them after one date I just usually ignore them after that. If they call me, I might answer but I never call them. They usually get the picture and back off.

Thanks for the advice, and I bet they stalk you girl

 

[cocoberry10]

Dont waste your time in this one life we have. You deserve to be with someone you actually like.

Also

A guy friend once told me, if you don't like a guy, LEAVE HIM ALONE. Why? Well, in his words, you can get hurt/ physically or worse. Don't put yourself in a position where he can feel like you were playing with his emotions.

I know I'm going for the worse case scenario, but that type of thinking has kept me from trouble in many a situation.

Thanks for saying this. I never even thought about it like that!

 

[cocoberry10]

LOL! THANK YOU! As long as I find the guy attractive, or somewhat nice-looking, then that's all that matters to me. I couldn't really care less what OTHER people thought.

I learned long time ago that if a guy doesn't find you attractive, then he's not going to approach you or want to really date you/view you as long-term relationship material. Will he sleep with you?? Probably. But view as long-term material?? Heck no! He probably won't even go so far as sleeping with you if he thinks you're "ugly". But yet, the women should "give the guy a chance" even if he's not in the least attractive to them simply because he's "nice".

*sigh* Oh well...it's still a double standard for men.


The only red flag I saw with your guy Coco is the fact how he was telling you that you were "the one" after one phone conversation. Umm...that's sweet and everything, but also kind of creepy at the same time. Trust me, the guy that was so pressed for me was acting like he knew me for ages. I'm like: "Umm...you don't even really know me buddy. So, stop professing your love for me." Again...this probably goes back to the old age saying that nobody really likes something that comes too easy. Kind of makes you wonder...

Yeah, I totally agree!

 

[caribeandiva]

yes you can be too nice. then again i have the same problem myself. As a rule i don't date guys i don't like. To get rid of a guy i don't like i completely ignore him, never answer or return his calls, and constantly tell him that i'm not interested. Sure they keep calling for a while but eventually they stop.

 

[cocoberry10]

Bumping this thread for some more responses

 

[sonce]

Hello Ladies:

How many of you find yourselves in these situations? There is this guy that is fiercely pursuing me, but I’m honestly not interested. I am dating people (more than one) right now, so it’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, but I am not interested in him. However, I tried to make a “pact” of sorts with myself that if a man approached me and he was respectful, etc. I would at least give him one date. How do you handle this stuff? I’m told by my guy friends that I can be too nice, so I’m trying to improve on this!

Don't do it!

I actually thought you meant a different predicament. I've dated men who were handsome, rich, well-educated and otherwise everything I want, but whose guts I hated because they had that arrogant "Pampered, Sheltered White Boy" persona.

 

[Allandra]

I couldn't and wouldn't.

 

[Browndilocks]

Hello Ladies:

How many of you find yourselves in these situations? There is this guy that is fiercely pursuing me, but I’m honestly not interested. I am dating people (more than one) right now, so it’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, but I am not interested in him. However, I tried to make a “pact” of sorts with myself that if a man approached me and he was respectful, etc. I would at least give him one date. How do you handle this stuff? I’m told by my guy friends that I can be too nice, so I’m trying to improve on this!

I'm guilty of doing this. The poor guys are usually really checkin for me too erplexed I'll go out on dates with them if I feel like I have nothing better to do.

 

[cocoberry10]

Don't do it!

I actually thought you meant a different predicament. I've dated men who were handsome, rich, well-educated and otherwise everything I want, but whose guts I hated because they had that arrogant "Pampered, Sheltered White Boy" persona.

Ugh, I've dealt with that too. However, this situation is different. This guy is a wonderful person. I think he could be marriage material, but I'm not sure I'm there yet. This is why I don't know if I even want to start dating him. And his ex did him dirty (cheated, etc.), so I'm leery of going there, b/c if things don't work out, I don't want to make him hate women!

I would never cheat on someone, but I also don't know if he's the one!