Curly hair and professionalism revisited; boss' comments shocked me!

[blackbarbie]

As I am sitting here typing this, I am so livid that I am seeing stars!!!

I went in to my boss this morning to give my 2 weeks notice. He started about how he was just so sorry to see me go and yada, yada, yada, and kept asking "well is there something going on with you?". I didn't realize what he meant and I asked "what would make you say that"? The he goes on to make insinuations about my appearance. He says "well lately, you look like you have been letting yourself go; for example,your hair is usually nice and straight and lately looks like you are just not concerned anymore." (Mind you, I am usually in a suit every day, hair long and flowing very straight or either in a bouncy roller set; for the past two weeks i just started cw'ing and just wear my hair very wavy and in a bun; today i have on a black suit, red top, and i hair my hair down and it is curly, with a red head scarf around the edges and hanging in the back; I am the only black person in the office).....When he said that, I had to really think hard before I commented b/c i didn't want him to tell me to get my things and leave and I didn't want to sound like a MBW (Mad Black Woman)...



So I proceed to tell him that there is nothing going on with me and far as the "nice and straight" style he sees me wear, it takes a LOT of time and effort to accomplish that, and what he is looking at right now is how my hair is intended to be. I told him that I didn't have a problem with his hair in its natural state (straight) and why should he have a problem with my hair in its natural state (curly)...Told him it's not offensive to anyone and its not like I am going around hitting anyone in the face with it...(it's not even big!!)...I proceeded to tell him that I found it very offensive that he would even insinuate that because I am wearing my hair curly, the way it was meant to be, that I have "let myself go". Told him that all the other times he has seen me with my hair straight and made comments about how nice it was, that this was no different, that my hair was still clean......I didn't mean to be giving this man a history lesson but I was so hot and was trying to be very careful with my tone as i spoke to him.....As I was making up my mind to just let it be, I told him "just so you know, not just me, but no black person comes out of the womb with straight hair, it all starts out looking like this (pointing to my head)......



I was thinking he was just going to be pissed and throw me out of the building, but he just kept apologizing and saying that wasn't what he meant, etc.....I told him "it's all about education" and just left it at that....



Did I handle this the right way? Mind you, I never raised my voice at him at all, it was more of me really giving that fool a black history lesson...He couldn't really say anything b/c he knew he was wrong.....



And to think that I gave that clown a 2 weeks notice!!

 

[maryj1584]

i definatly think that you did. You did not go off on him but told him your mind. You handled the situation very professionaly. Also you left him feeling like he had wronged u, not vice versa, becuase that is really what happened.

 

[aileendq]

You know what, BB? Good for you! You may have embarassed him, but in the long run, it may have saved him a discrimination law suit! People just don't think when they speak! And although I imagine he probably would have said the same to a curly haired white or Latina woman, at least he knows better than to comment on people's appearance. (Probably not the most socially adept creature...)

On the other hand, this IS a guy who may have to give you a reference in the future...My Abuela used to say it's easier to leave people with a sweet taste in their mouth so that they only speak sweetly of you when you are gone.

Anyway, good luck at your new gig!

 

[Arcadian]

As I was making up my mind to just let it be, I told him "just so you know, not just me, but no black person comes out of the womb with straight hair, it all starts out looking like this (pointing to my head)......

this is had me laughing.

Not to make light of it, because I think you did the right thing.

It should make him do some thinking about letting his mouth overload his ass next time though.

-A

 

[Healthb4Length]

Way to go girl! You did the right thing and you handled yourself in a very professional way! I know that was not the easiest thing to do but you did it and you did it with class!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I think you did an excellent job. I'm glad you paused for the cause and didn't get diarrhea of the mouth. I know woulda been UPSET over some junk like that and that kind of ignorance and foolishness is one of the reasons I left corporate America and started a business of my own. I digress...

I don't think many people of other ethnicities "get" just how much effort goes into getting AA hair to look like an Asian or Caucasian chick's hair. It's not nearly as simple as they think....and like you said, some of them seem to think that folks wearin TWA, afros, and natural hair are INTENTIONALLY doing something crazy to their hair when it actually comes out of our scalps that way and it's beautiful and far more interesting than their Type 0/a hair.

Kudos to you for being diplomatic but still letting him know the business!

 

[blackbarbie]

You know what, BB? Good for you! You may have embarassed him, but in the long run, it may have saved him a discrimination law suit! People just don't think when they speak! And although I imagine he probably would have said the same to a curly haired white or Latina woman, at least he knows better than to comment on people's appearance. (Probably not the most socially adept creature...)

On the other hand, this IS a guy who may have to give you a reference in the future...My Abuela used to say it's easier to leave people with a sweet taste in their mouth so that they only speak sweetly of you when you are gone.

Anyway, good luck at your new gig!

Well not that I wanted to shy away from speaking my mind, but I was concerned about being professional in saying what I had to say and about him perhaps having to give me a reference in the future. We have always gotten along very well so I think he was more embarrassed than anything (at least him face showed it; he was turning beet red ). I have had a very good work history there and I have reviews in my folder so if he were to give me a bad reference for speaking my mind....hmmmm. But seriously, I think the tone of my voice may have really scared him. I was real NICETY (nice-nasty) and when I was speaking to him, I was speaking to him as if I was appalled (which I was) and it was almost like I was scorning him. I think had I came across like a MBW, he would have taken it as so....But all of them (whites) in my office are clueless so I just chalk that comment up to his ignorance..

 

[blackbarbie]

i definatly think that you did. You did not go off on him but told him your mind. You handled the situation very professionaly. Also you left him feeling like he had wronged u, not vice versa, becuase that is really what happened.

I was so glad it didn't backfire on me. My intent wasn't to make him think I was going off on him (which I really wanted to), but just to make him realize what a clueless dud he is. His face was beet red and if I wasn't so pissed by his ignorance, I probably would have laughed at him....But I have to tell myself that that is ignorance on his part...Ignorance is when you don't know any better and stupidity is when you know better but don't do better. Now if another black female comes in next month and he makes that same comment to her, then that would be stupidity and if she goes off on him, then he deserves everything he gets....

 

[rai]

I applaud you. It sounds as if you handled it with dignity and class. I am happy that you told him how it is and you did it in a professional manner. It sounds as if you will not have any problem getting a good reccomendation from him. Matter of fact, it might even get better because of this because he will feel guilty for saying what he did.

On another note, it sounds as if he is a nice person and that he was just concerned about your well-being. Most men have no idea of what it takes a woman to get ready in the morning.

 

[blackbarbie]

I think you did an excellent job. I'm glad you paused for the cause and didn't get diarrhea of the mouth. I know woulda been UPSET over some junk like that and that kind of ignorance and foolishness is one of the reasons I left corporate America and started a business of my own. I digress...

I don't think many people of other ethnicities "get" just how much effort goes into getting AA hair to look like an Asian or Caucasian chick's hair. It's not nearly as simple as they think....and like you said, some of them seem to think that folks wearin TWA, afros, and natural hair are INTENTIONALLY doing something crazy to their hair when it actually comes out of our scalps that way and it's beautiful and far more interesting than their Type 0/a hair.

Kudos to you for being diplomatic but still letting him know the business!

Yeah, it was just him and his ignorance. We are a tight knit office and I have already schooled my other younger co-workers about my hair. We had the conversation about how black people get their hair "relaxed" to lay it down and how white people get their hair "permed" to look curly like ours is. They really had no idea. (I guess my boss didn't get that memo )

When I first started, they all wanted to know "how does it get so straight, how does it grow so long, why does it take you so long to get it done, etc." (My brother used to do my hair at his salon and I used to go there every week and they would always comment about how much money I spend to have to go to the salon EVERY week.).............Anywho, I already knew that he really just didn't have a clue that he didn't have a clue which is why I didn't let it bother me too much, but he is a nice guy and that comment just comes from being sheltered I guess!

LMAO at the "diahrhea at the mouth" comment. Thought no one used that expression except me!

 

[nurseN98]

That was beautiful!

I think you handled yourself very well. He was ignorant and you let him know what's up....what's he gonna do...fire you? I would have done the same thing. I don't know if I'd have been as tactful though.....that's something I have to work on.

 

[dlewis]

You did very well!!

 

[MeccaMedinah]

That was beautiful!

I think you handled yourself very well. He was ignorant and you let him know what's up....what's he gonna do...fire you? I would have done the same thing. I don't know if I'd have been as tactful though.....that's something I have to work on.

Pretty much how I feel Very well handled.

 

[uncutandgettinglonger]

Ignorance is the boil on the buns of society.

 

[Faith]

You rock....that comment to the boss was good.

I LOL at this part "As I was making up my mind to just let it be, I told him "just so you know, not just me, but no black person comes out of the womb with straight hair, it all starts out looking like this (pointing to my head)......" :lol

 

[Cheleigh]

You handled it well. It's very frustrating to have to educate grown folk on stuff like this.

It was ignorance on his part, but I don't really fault him. We hide the actual texture of our hair from ourselves and other folks--so I'm not surprised when people think that our natural hair texture is some sort of deviation from the norm. I would be willing to hazard a guess that there are quite a few folks out there (men and women of all ethnicities) who have never seen a full head of natural black woman's hair, so of course, they're gonna wonder what happened when they do see natural texture.

 

[brownsugar9999]

If you kept your tone professional, no sarcasm, and the laser beam wasn't shooting out of your eyes, you did right!! But I'm not surprised at all. I'm a trauma nurse, and when I stopped flat ironing, they asked me what happened. What happened? Did I walk up to them when they put on 15 lbs and say..."Oh my goodness...you're soooo heavy? Is there some current tragedy going on in your life?" Ethnically unaware and ignorant. Corporate America expects you to conform to a certain stereotype...step outside of those bounds and you remind them that "Oh, geez, I hired a BLACK WOMAN!! What was I thinking?

BB...you defended yourself perfectly (plus made him feel like a heel!!) Although, (playing devil's advocate) perhaps he really was just concerned about you. You had changed your appearance from what he had known as the norm, so in his defense, he just didn't know...

 

[FeelinIt]

You handled it well. It's very frustrating to have to educate grown folk on stuff like this.

It was ignorance on his part, but I don't really fault him. We hide the actual texture of our hair from ourselves and other folks--so I'm not surprised when people think that our natural hair texture is some sort of deviation from the norm. I would be willing to hazard a guess that there are quite a few folks out there (men and women of all ethnicities) who have never seen a full head of natural black woman's hair, so of course, they're gonna wonder what happened when they do see natural texture.

Yeah, I would agree with that also. Hell black folks act like that so the ignorance goes both ways. I have had AAs tell me I need to comb my hair and that "pretty ugly thing works best on you". And how do you get your hair like that....errr grow it?!?! Black folks don't know what their own texture looks like full grown so white people seeing almost 90% of black women with straight hair might wonder when it goes 180 on them and they don't know what happened.

But now he knows and he probably won't ask another AA about their hair ever again. LOL

 

[DragonPearl]

At BlackBarbie, you broke it down.

You handled it well. It's very frustrating to have to educate grown folk on stuff like this.

It was ignorance on his part, but I don't really fault him. We hide the actual texture of our hair from ourselves and other folks--so I'm not surprised when people think that our natural hair texture is some sort of deviation from the norm. I would be willing to hazard a guess that there are quite a few folks out there (men and women of all ethnicities) who have never seen a full head of natural black woman's hair, so of course, they're gonna wonder what happened when they do see natural texture.

I know a few black kids 9 year old and older who are convinced their moms and sisters have naturally straight hair because they have never seen them with their natural hair.

 

[blackbarbie]

Ladies I have to add that in addition to just plain ignorance, my boss may have really been just concerned about me. He practically avoided me all day but as I was leaving the office today, he politely stopped by my office and came just to say that he didn't mean to offend me and get me so heated by asking that question but he was just being concerned about me. Not that it makes him any less ignorant, but he may have been asking the question out of sincerity. I didn't make any excuses for my conversation or comments either, after he made his apologies, I just responded with "I understand". (how ignorant you are! )

 

[caligirl]

You handled it well. It's very frustrating to have to educate grown folk on stuff like this.

It was ignorance on his part, but I don't really fault him. We hide the actual texture of our hair from ourselves and other folks--so I'm not surprised when people think that our natural hair texture is some sort of deviation from the norm. I would be willing to hazard a guess that there are quite a few folks out there (men and women of all ethnicities) who have never seen a full head of natural black woman's hair, so of course, they're gonna wonder what happened when they do see natural texture.

I get this ALL the time. People think I'm some sort of strange creature because my hair is natural. They're like "where are you from? What are your parents?" Its like they've never seen a black woman with natural hair before. I wish more black women would wear their hair natural so folks would see this is the norm and permed hair is just an option (not how most of us are born).