Courtship vs. Dating

tmichelle

tmichelle

New Member
In recent years I have heard/read a lot about courtship. I am very intrigued with the idea and if the Lord sees fit to bless me with children I will encourage them to go this route. (I married before I knew anything about it). Have any of you ladies, esp. single ladies looked into courtship? If so what do you think about it? Can you see yourself being happy with this kind of arrangement?
 
The courtship vs. dating is an interesting topic to and hope there will some responses to this thread :)
By the way what exactly is the difference between courting and dating?
 
My understanding of the difference is that in courtship you get to know the man in an environment that includes his friends, family and your friends and family. You do not spend time alone together which can lead to intamacy (not just physical) in which he'll then take a piece of your heart with him if/when you break up. With courtship there is a seriousness in the beginning of the relationship. Many times the man "officially" asks the parents of the woman to court her and tells them he believes she may be the wife God has choosen for him. The courtship then is just a time to pray/fast about the relationship to ensure you are going in the direction God chose. Apparently with courtship you have already gotten to know the man through spending time with him, his family and friends and seeing his consistency (and hopefully consistent kindness) with them. Most times courtships are quite short because it is laid out in the beginning what the hopeful destination is so you don't usually enter into one until you have gotten to know him and observed his character. So unlike traditional dating you don't go out with people that you haven't gotten to know first and once you do, it is not just "too have fun" but to look to get married.

So courtship may look something like this:

Janiece met Paul at a party and really enjoyed his conversation. She then asked her girlfriend Tasha who was throwing the party about Paul. After hearing that Paul was a serious Christian she asked Tasha if she would accompany her Paul and other friends hiking. After observing Paul some more she begins to pray about Paul to find out if he is the one God set aside for her. They do a few more things as a group and really get to see each other in different situations, but without establishing bonds that might later have to be broken since they have held off on all kinds of intimacy, but have still gotten to know each other. Paul (who might not know about courting) then askes Janiece on a date. Janiece tells Paul about her belief in courtship which will protect her purity and her heart and asks him to talk to her parent/s if he is serious. Paul then takes the time to pray and fast and observe is she is the one God has set aside for him also (hopefully he has already been praying and looking to the Lord). He decides she is so he approaches Janiece's parents and states his intentions of marrying Janiece and asks permission to court her. Her parents have observed Paul only a little in passing but they say yes and establish the regulations so they too can get to know Paul but also continue to protect their daughter. They then have Paul for dinner, attend service together, etc. Janiece does the same with Paul's family and ideally the families get to spend time together. After both families know the character of the prospective mate and see that it is good then the marriage takes place.

With all this said, many of the people that speak on courtship say there are no rules but generally hope to have a process (for lack of a better word) that is similar to this one.
 
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I only believe in courtship. When I think of courtship I think of not giving my milk away (the cow analogy) and REALLLY praying about entering a relationship with someone. I want my entire family to be involved, because they're important to me and it's a family affair. I don't believe in hits and misses or one night affairs.

I've been in one semi courtship thing - it ended and it was a good feeling because I don't feel used, we were more friends than anything else, and I am not damaged
 
dlewis said:
Courtship has been lost along the way. When I was in highschool this (courting) is what we did.
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Yes, this is going back to the way things were done, especially prior to the turn of the twentieth century. It's great you still grew up in an area where they cared about the children's hearts.
 
togethernessinchrist said:
I only believe in courtship. When I think of courtship I think of not giving my milk away (the cow analogy) and REALLLY praying about entering a relationship with someone. I want my entire family to be involved, because they're important to me and it's a family affair. I don't believe in hits and misses or one night affairs.

I've been in one semi courtship thing - it ended and it was a good feeling because I don't feel used, we were more friends than anything else, and I am not damaged
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It is fantastic to hear of your situation. How encouraging you can be to others to help them keep their hearts intact.
 
I like the courtship aspect, but there is something to be said for getting to know someone one-on-one.

Too many times, people put on an act (especially in front of parents) to get people to like the person. They want to be *seen* as a great person while behind closed doors (basically when one-on-one) with their girlfriend/wife, they are like Mr. Hyde then. I experienced this and I say you have to get to know a person in different environments (group, one-on-one, etc.). Especially today when people move around so much that they no longer grow up in the communities where they now work to create a more conducive environment for courtships.
 
nvybeauty said:
I like the courtship aspect, but there is something to be said for getting to know someone one-on-one.

Too many times, people put on an act (especially in front of parents) to get people to like the person. They want to be *seen* as a great person while behind closed doors (basically when one-on-one) with their girlfriend/wife, they are like Mr. Hyde then. I experienced this and I say you have to get to know a person in different environments (group, one-on-one, etc.). Especially today when people move around so much that they no longer grow up in the communities where they now work to create a more conducive environment for courtships.
Click to expand...

I hear what you're saying... that's why it's important to have a body of believers that you trust around you... When I met my husband, I was in NYC and my parents were in ATL... :look: But I had friends ranging from my age to my mom's age...

Many couples do have one on one time (in public settings), but usually after an extended period of time getting to know each other in group settings... And often times they are engaged by then... This was my experience. We had a short courtship (3 months) and a 12 month engagement.

Another thing about a lot of courtship relationships... very little touching (maybe holding hands) and no kissing.

During our engagement we had started kissing, but we cut it out when we realized that it could go too far... :look:
 
Courting is the ONLY way to go! I have been and am being courted...and after being courted, I will NEVER, EVER allow a man to merely date me again.

My worth is more than rubies...and he knows it.
 
tmichelle said:
My understanding of the difference is that in courtship you get to know the man in an environment that includes his friends, family and your friends and family. You do not spend time alone together which can lead to intamacy (not just physical) in which he'll then take a piece of your heart with him if/when you break up. With courtship there is a seriousness in the beginning of the relationship. Many times the man "officially" asks the parents of the woman to court her and tells them he believes she may be the wife God has choosen for him. The courtship then is just a time to pray/fast about the relationship to ensure you are going in the direction God chose. Apparently with courtship you have already gotten to know the man through spending time with him, his family and friends and seeing his consistency (and hopefully consistent kindness) with them. Most times courtships are quite short because it is laid out in the beginning what the hopeful destination is so you don't usually enter into one until you have gotten to know him and observed his character. So unlike traditional dating you don't go out with people that you haven't gotten to know first and once you do, it is not just "too have fun" but to look to get married.

So courtship may look something like this:

Janiece met Paul at a party and really enjoyed his conversation. She then asked her girlfriend Tasha who was throwing the party about Paul. After hearing that Paul was a serious Christian she asked Tasha if she would accompany her Paul and other friends hiking. After observing Paul some more she begins to pray about Paul to find out if he is the one God set aside for her. They do a few more things as a group and really get to see each other in different situations, but without establishing bonds that might later have to be broken since they have held off on all kinds of intimacy, but have still gotten to know each other. Paul (who might not know about courting) then askes Janiece on a date. Janiece tells Paul about her belief in courtship which will protect her purity and her heart and asks him to talk to her parent/s if he is serious. Paul then takes the time to pray and fast and observe is she is the one God has set aside for him also (hopefully he has already been praying and looking to the Lord). He decides she is so he approaches Janiece's parents and states his intentions of marrying Janiece and asks permission to court her. Her parents have observed Paul only a little in passing but they say yes and establish the regulations so they too can get to know Paul but also continue to protect their daughter. They then have Paul for dinner, attend service together, etc. Janiece does the same with Paul's family and ideally the families get to spend time together. After both families know the character of the prospective mate and see that it is good then the marriage takes place.

With all this said, many of the people that speak on courtship say there are no rules but generally hope to have a process (for lack of a better word) that is similar to this one.
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Yes, this describes it perfectly.

This is what my husband and I did prior to getting married. Our courtship only lasted about 3 mos before he proposed to me. about 9 months later we were married. We date now, and it's fun!!!! We've been married about 4 years.

There were also other Christian married couples who held us accountable, advised us, and watched over us during our courtship (and we were not a "young" couple" either). Just wanted to do it God's way.

This is the way to go. I now let my hair done, so to speak - we are emotionally, spiritually, and physically one now, but not before. I also feel more secure now that if anything happens within my marriage, God's got my back - because I did it his way and not the world's way.;)
 
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MrsHouston and tmichelle describe my courtship to a very large degree. My husband and I were friends first. I had opportunities to see the real him. Whe we started courting, he told me in no uncertain terms he was looking for a wife. We knew what our goal was from the beginning. We courted for 6 months before he asked me marry him and were engaged for 1 year. This was very important to me because I was raising a teenage daughter. He was a stepchild so he understood the problems that occur in blended families. His family welcomed my daughter. I believe the fact we started as friends and hept God in our relationship greatly assisted us during out difficult time.
 
I love hearing these stories of courting! They are soooo romantic. Please keep them coming. I also like to hear other viewpoints so that I can refine the ideal in my mind a little more so keep those coming too please ;) .

I wish I had been trained to think of all aspects of my life in terms of God, such as the focus in courting. Once I turned "of age" my parents let me date just like everybody else and not a lot of thought was put into how one should go into a relationship. I mean there was thought on "how far to go with a boy" but that was it. And quite frankly, that didn't work. I see courting as a way to truly learn to wait on God and look to him through this period. Thatdiscipline would have helped me a lot now going through trials of life. It's not as easy (or as fun) trying to learn to wait on God as an adult. Also since courting is not encouraged until people are actually at a or very near a marriageable age, one is given the opportunity to give their whole heart and whole mind to God without thinking about boys, boys, boys (which I did).
 
Divine Inspiration said:
Courting is the ONLY way to go! I have been and am being courted...and after being courted, I will NEVER, EVER allow a man to merely date me again.

My worth is more than rubies...and he knows it.
Click to expand...


Can I just say, I love this attitude:
My worth is more than rubies...and he knows it.[/quote]
My dh and I have worked with young people in various congregations and no matter what many girls say their actions say differently. They allow boys to do to them all sorts of things that show a lack of belief for the value God gave them.

I think courting really underscores the value that the Lord has given us as men and women.
 
HWAY said:
MrsHouston and tmichelle describe my courtship to a very large degree. My husband and I were friends first. I had opportunities to see the real him. Whe we started courting, he told me in no uncertain terms he was looking for a wife. We knew what our goal was from the beginning. We courted for 6 months before he asked me marry him and were engaged for 1 year. This was very important to me because I was raising a teenage daughter. He was a stepchild so he understood the problems that occur in blended families. His family welcomed my daughter. I believe the fact we started as friends and hept God in our relationship greatly assisted us during out difficult time.
Click to expand...

Wow, what a way to protect your teenage daughters heart also! I mean through your example she will value herself more. Also, you could have had a pseudo marriage (even if you didn't live together) like so many couples do and she could have had to go through the feelings of children whose parents divorced. Instead no matter if you married this man or not, she would have enjoyed another friend in her life.
 
A good book to read dealing with courting over dating is Choosing God's Best by Dr. Don Raunikar. I love this book! The author also does seminars for single groups. I attended one in Houston a few years before getting married. This book will open your eyes to a lot of things.

http://www.amazon.com/Choosing-Gods-Best-Dr-Raunikar/dp/1576735672

Editorial Reviews
Book Description
Many Christian singles today are in pain. Wounded from past relationships, overwhelmed at being single longer than they expected, devastated at finding themselves single again. Eighteen to sixty-year-olds will welcome the timely, biblically based approach Dr. Raunikar offers as he encourages them along the path to Choosing God's Best: healing from the past; learning how to avoid the pain of "counterfeit oneness" physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and much more. Single himself until age thirty-three, this New Life Clinics psychotherapist delves into the real issues Christian singles face today and offers sound, proven advice for creating godly, deeply satisfying relationships.

About the Author
Dr. Don Raunikar is director of New Life Clinics in Houston, Texas, and a psychotherapist specializing in singles issues. He leads Christian singles seminars nationwide and oversees Lifehouse, a Christian home for young women experiencing crisis pregnancies. He and his wife, Kimberley, live in Houston.
 
Thanks Mrs. Houston for the book recommendation. I will look for it at my library. I seem to always have a real "heart" for singles. Maybe because I always thought I would be single and perhaps because my sister is still single but I will look forward to reading this book.
 
tmichelle said:
Thanks Mrs. Houston for the book recommendation. I will look for it at my library. I seem to always have a real "heart" for singles. Maybe because I always thought I would be single and perhaps because my sister is still single but I will look forward to reading this book.
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You're so welcome. I have too have a heart for helping singles as well.
 
I gave up dating a while back. Courtships are the way to go. :yep: I'm only 20 but this is how I do things. I'm currently praying about a potential guy and he's praying about me as well.
 
amerikan said:
I gave up dating a while back. Courtships are the way to go. :yep: I'm only 20 but this is how I do things. I'm currently praying about a potential guy and he's praying about me as well.
Click to expand...

That's fantastic! I love how courtship makes God the decider as opposed to you.
 
By the way what exactly is the difference between courting and dating?
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This is what I know based on my own experience...(disclaimer)
so these definitions are according to Kayte's Book of Rules in Relationships, lol :grin:

Dating is.....a means to interact socially and casually n a public single or multiple occasion with a man..based on commonality and mutuality of interest, attraction and ethics. It provides an avenue to foster and establish a friendship with the opposite sex in a non-physically intimate connection
while building true intimacy,companionship,connectedness, through play..
ie play....bowling ...attending a lecture,attending an outdoor concert,
a poetry reading,bike riding,
going to a movie screening and dinner..(that was last week :) )
..and the like...
A date does not involve being in an environment where there is a bed anywhere.....
A date can be with a group though generally one on one
The date can be short term...of one or three or twenty...the only question that has to be asked at the end of one is ..do I want to go on a next date and does it makes sense to do that...have I learned enough about the person that keeps wanting to get to know him more or have I learned enough and that's enough lol
A date is not a means to finding a husband,although that may occur

On its own merits,dating is a vital social function....it is one part .
not THE PART...not even the primary part,but one part of of a healthy adult woman's social life...which includes solitude,women friends, social ministry,interest activities,group reteats art colonies,etc

Courtship.....according to the same book is when one man has emerged as a significant potential partner...and is not casual as in the dating realm...
In Courtship...the language is different...the interaction has a level of
intensity that is mutually respected
Courtship has a ultimate goal in mind with that person..only..
Courtship is a singular focus for the longterm
Courtship already knows that this is the person you want to have fun with forever....while embracing significant responsbilites as an blessed integral part of the relationship..
where as in dating connects for one time..or possibly the next ...without wanting or desiring and/or rejects any major reponsibility
Courtship the focus is on relationship..as opposed to only companionship as in dating
Courtship has the same elements in dating like mutual attraction, interests compatiblity, ethics..but whereas in dating these may or may not be present in a dating relationship and does not matter ultimately
in Courtship ultimately these elements form the foundation that allows the relationship to grow and a Courtship enhances and illuminates these elements....
whereas in dating it merely allows a common ground to socialize without antagonsim
As in a royal Court...where the Queen's subjects are careful in approach, offers gifts,offer themselves in winning her favor,knowing the woman is a rare find ... and seeks her hand in marriage
so it is the 21rst century courting ..

marriage and all the beauty of that ..children...a home.... roots,a future heritage,family lineage...love..that is lasting and deep and survives
A Courtship embodies those dreams in the way the woman is courted ...

Courtship is commitent-minded
(though a courtship can transform to dating:look: )

Dating is momentary
(though the date can evolve into a courtship)


Me? I multi date casually.....today..I feel no obligation to any guy except to be courteous and honest...to myself and to him.God willing there will be a courtship for me,though! :) one day.

I never thought I would say this let alone do it.. but ..my Alone with Lord COMES FIRST...& ME time.
I have told bfs... do not call me after 9m that is my time with the Lord
or do not call me at ALL this weekend .........it's Me and God,guys
or I am not available to date until after this ...period...
I purposely limit the number of dates within a given month so that the dating DOES NOT become a primary
activity and I limit contact with any one man so he does not become primary until it makes sense to change that.
I turn down many more dates... than I acccept them.

I'm currently praying about a potential guy and he's praying about me as well.
Click to expand...

How beautiful is that? :)
praying for you both....
 
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I always pratice friendship first and then with godly friendship courtship or dating can come. This would be the order for me:

Godly Friendship
Godly Coutship (We go here only if we pass the friendship stage)
Godly Dating (At this level you are more serious and you BOTH want to be with one another.
 
tmichelle said:
That's fantastic! I love how courtship makes God the decider as opposed to you.
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UPDATE: God said NO. Normally I would have continued with this relationship b/c with dating I decide who is right for me. The relationship is great but it's not what God wants for me. God said no, and I am moving on. :yep: Although I don't know why He said no, I know that it is in my best interest. I remember telling you guys that God said he would show me my husband. And He did in a dream. He was not "boo" :o Because I chose to guard my heart and listen to God I am leaving this courtship with my heart intact and continuing to focus on God, myself and my future. I am really all smiles right now. :grin:
 
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