Courtship Virgins

[CurliDiva]

Could you please help me understand the differences between COURTSHIP and dating!I'm assuming that courtship is the process leading to marriage.

I keep hearing the art of courtship is dead and this is WHY singles find themselves as "serial" daters. Meaning you in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) with someone for months or years with many the benefits of marriage (exclusive, commitment, sex, etc….) but it leads NOWHERE.

I’m just not feeling the idea of another "boyfriend". How can I recognize a true courtship and express this expectation to any potential suitors?

 

[stinastina]

Could you please help me understand the differences between COURTSHIP and dating!I'm assuming that courtship is the process leading to marriage.

I keep hearing the art of courtship is dead and this is WHY singles find themselves as "serial" daters. Meaning you in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) with someone for months or years with many the benefits of marriage (exclusive, commitment, sex, etc….) but it leads NOWHERE.

I’m just not feeling the idea of another "boyfriend". How can I recognize a true courtship and express this expectation to any potential suitors?

Did you see this thread: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=195617 ? On the first page is a really good definition of courtship.

 

[Kamilah]

Well, for religious reasons I ONLY court. No dating allowed. Basically, you talk with the intention of marriage from the start. For us, it's about the business: discussing financial plans, long term expectations of the husband/wife, working out the technicalities of where to live/who moves/jobs/scholl/etc, all while getting to know the persons character.

During the initial phases (i.e. until an engagment is established) I don't do any calling/visiting etc. He is the man, that's his job to pursue me if he wants to be with me. This part alone weeds out the fakers- because often guys just want you there to call them and kick it with them to be on their jock. A man who is seriously looking for a wife may question, but willingly abide by these rules. Also in courting, there is usually a step wherein he is willing/expected to speak to a third party on your behalf- your father, a religious figure or someone (to rough him up a bit, lol).

Basically, when courting you get to the knitty-gritty that you never get to when dating. So, you can realistically court someone for 5-6 months and know for sure if you are compatible for marriage, whereas with dating that rarely happens since people are so interested in impressing one another, putting on pretenses, and sleeping together. Oh yea....in a proper courtship you save all that for after the deal is done ;-)

HTH!

 

[AfroKink]

Kamilah, do you tell them you're not going to call and that they'll need to call you if they want to do something? Or do you just not call. I don't call men anymore. They still contact me, which is a good thing. But I've never had a conversation about my phone call habits with them. I don't want them to think I'm not interested :S

Lys

 

[CurliDiva]

Did you see this thread: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=195617 ? On the first page is a really good definition of courtship.

Thank you Stinastina!

I have some reading to do!

 

[CurliDiva]

Well, for religious reasons I ONLY court. No dating allowed. Basically, you talk with the intention of marriage from the start. For us, it's about the business: discussing financial plans, long term expectations of the husband/wife, working out the technicalities of where to live/who moves/jobs/scholl/etc, all while getting to know the persons character.

During the initial phases (i.e. until an engagment is established) I don't do any calling/visiting etc. He is the man, that's his job to pursue me if he wants to be with me. This part alone weeds out the fakers- because often guys just want you there to call them and kick it with them to be on their jock. A man who is seriously looking for a wife may question, but willingly abide by these rules. Also in courting, there is usually a step wherein he is willing/expected to speak to a third party on your behalf- your father, a religious figure or someone (to rough him up a bit, lol).

Basically, when courting you get to the knitty-gritty that you never get to when dating. So, you can realistically court someone for 5-6 months and know for sure if you are compatible for marriage, whereas with dating that rarely happens since people are so interested in impressing one another, putting on pretenses, and sleeping together. Oh yea....in a proper courtship you save all that for after the deal is done ;-)

HTH!

Thanks Kamilah!

This is exactly how I thought a courtship should work, but there seems to be so few examples. I personally don't see examlpes of courtship in my church. Most couples are still 'dating" but are just more "discreet".

May I ask - do you only "court" with men from your same religious background (so that they know the ground rules so to speak) or you explain your expectations to any potential suitor?

 

[CurliDiva]

Kamilah, do you tell them you're not going to call and that they'll need to call you if they want to do something? Or do you just not call. I don't call men anymore. They still contact me, which is a good thing. But I've never had a conversation about my phone call habits with them. I don't want them to think I'm not interested :S

Lys

I agree MissAlyssa!

I told a guy last night who mentioned that "I" haven't call him that pursuing/calling/plan outings was his responsibilty as the man. I'm not playing games, but I'm not going to chase a man!

I have girlfriends who will BLOW up a guy's phone with calls and text messages!

Like the book says - if he is not calling, he is just NOT into you!

I think this is why some men get "lazy" in a relationship, they already know that you are hooked.

 

[Kamilah]

Hi Ladies! Sorry for the delayed response....I've been away from the forums (SUPPOSED to be studying!). Anyway, to answer your questions Culidiva:yes I only court men of my religion. MissAlyssa: I used to not mention it, and let it just become a habit but now I tell them because many of them flat out ask me why I don't. Sometimes they take issue with it and continue to call....begrudgeingly. NEXT! It is very true, if he's not calling you, he's not into you. Also, you get a better idea of where his head is at and if he IS into you. He'll start to ask you things like "oh, am I calling too much?" and be totally cool w/you asking for a call back sometimes. The only problem I have is that I believe in "The Rules" but I feel that if a man is making time to call me, then I should make time to talk to him. In the begining. That's how you get them hooked....give him long conversation and chat him up alot n the begining. Be whitty and funny, they love that. Then, gradually become less available and put the Rules into effect. It works like a charm. I've had many proposals, just not from "The One" yet.

I hope this helps! Courtin' can be tons of fun, I wish yall the best!

KEEP IT OLD SCHOOL YALL!!