Courtship Versus Dating - I FELL off the COURTSHIP Wagon

[brownsugarflyygirl]

**Im asking advice from a Christian perspective, I placed this thread in the Christianity forum as well but since it applies to both...I placed it here to**

As you all know/may remember, I was very passionate about the importance of a time of singleness and not dating but rather following a courtship model. Well for two years, I didnt date and just focused on myself and my relationship with God...and it was a beautiful time.

So towards the end of my second year, I got involved in a courtship but decided after four months that he was not the one for me and ended it...great experience...no hard feelings.

But then....it seemed like once I opened that door when guys approached me to express interest instead of being like I would be like why not? Only to look up and realize that I was just dating

So anyways....I know I had high standards as I only entertained one offer in over two years...but I just got tired of constantly saying no and was like if I keep saying no...how will it ever happen...I should be more open-minded

Anyways, now Im trying to get back into the courtship mindset....and not wasting my time dating people who aren't ready to be a husband. I think Im going to employ a three question test...

1- Do you have an active relationship with God and are you currently actively attending a church?

2- Are you currently gainfully employed (preferably with a salary equal or greater than mine) and living independently?

3- Am I physically attracted to you?

If the answer to no to any of the above, I think Im going to have to say no from now on...because otherwise...there is no grounds for a courtship.

Thoughts ladies?

 

[Honey]

Could you explain the difference between courtship and dating? What other criteria are you looking for in a man?

~Honey

 

[KiSseS03]

Yeah, I'd like to know more about this "courtship" too.

 

[zora]

Courtship is when every visit, gift, date, conversation has a purpose. A purpose towards pursing a long term relationship if not marriage.

Dating is a casual experience where neither party knows for sure where each other stands. One person might want more than the other, or it may be a strictly platonic or sexual 'relationship'.

 

[Kiadodie]

Courtship is when every visit, gift, date, conversation has a purpose. A purpose towards pursing a long term relationship if not marriage.

Dating is a casual experience where neither party knows for sure where each other stands. One person might want more than the other, or it may be a strictly platonic or sexual 'relationship'.

BY your definition Zora, want to be courted.

 

[Kiadodie]

**Im asking advice from a Christian perspective, I placed this thread in the Christianity forum as well but since it applies to both...I placed it here to**

As you all know/may remember, I was very passionate about the importance of a time of singleness and not dating but rather following a courtship model. Well for two years, I didnt date and just focused on myself and my relationship with God...and it was a beautiful time.

So towards the end of my second year, I got involved in a courtship but decided after four months that he was not the one for me and ended it...great experience...no hard feelings.

But then....it seemed like once I opened that door when guys approached me to express interest instead of being like I would be like why not? Only to look up and realize that I was just dating

So anyways....I know I had high standards as I only entertained one offer in over two years...but I just got tired of constantly saying no and was like if I keep saying no...how will it ever happen...I should be more open-minded

Anyways, now Im trying to get back into the courtship mindset....and not wasting my time dating people who aren't ready to be a husband. I think Im going to employ a three question test...

1- Do you have an active relationship with God and are you currently actively attending a church?

2- Are you currently gainfully employed (preferably with a salary equal or greater than mine) and living independently?

3- Am I physically attracted to you?

If the answer to no to any of the above, I think Im going to have to say no from now on...because otherwise...there is no grounds for a courtship.

Thoughts ladies?

Those are my qualifications also I'm not going to entertain anymore of the dating type.

 

[Honey]

Okay, so for those ladies that are interesting in courtship (pursuing a serious relationship), what specific qualities, characteristics, etc. are you looking for in a man?

I ask this question because I think many women find themselves is dead-end relationships because they don't have a clear idea about what they actually want. They may say, I want a good man - but what does that mean to you? Where do compatibility & chemistry come into play? Have you sat down and made a list of what you're looking for?

~Honey

 

[brownsugarflyygirl]

Courtship is when every visit, gift, date, conversation has a purpose. A purpose towards pursing a long term relationship if not marriage.

Dating is a casual experience where neither party knows for sure where each other stands. One person might want more than the other, or it may be a strictly platonic or sexual 'relationship'.

I definitely agree....

A courtship is a process whereby you state your intentions upfront which is to get to know one another for the prospect of marriage. It usually means spending less time one on one and more time in group scenarios with friends and family. It usually also accompanies limiting physical interaction to handholding or kissing (sometimes not even French). In my opinion, it is built more on friendship and compatibilty and being open and honest and not playing games or playing with emotions. It is about setting mutual boundaries and goals. It is also common that people dont enter until a courtship until they are emotionally, spiritually, financially, or physically ready for marriage. It is more structured and reflects the historic way that a man "courted" a woman by visiting her house, spending time with the family, getting parents permission, expressing his intent upfront, etc.

Dating is just getting together and seeing where things go...there are usually no mutual boundaries...lots of one-on-one time and no basic level requirements as far as where you are in life. Its a lot more just go for it and see what happens.

Of course it is not completely black and white and some people do a mixture of both....but for definition purposes thats what I would say.

 

[brownsugarflyygirl]

Could you explain the difference between courtship and dating? What other criteria are you looking for in a man?

~Honey

Honey, I look for a lot of other things such as intellectual curiousity, cultural openess, spending habits, physical fitness, diet, etc. but to be honest.....I dont even get to get to those

Most guys who approach me are two out of three.... They are very physically attractive and love God but have no real career goals and live with their parents (and not for saving for a house reasons) or They are okay physically and have a great career but arent super comitted to their relationship with God. Ive been saying "yes" to those type of dating situations....but the truth is that because they lack a fundamental aspect...it wont lead to marriage anytime soon and I consider that a waste of my time

So now Im trying to be like....nah shawty...you need to have 3 or 3 before we pass go or collect $200.

 

[brownsugarflyygirl]

Okay, so for those ladies that are interesting in courtship (pursuing a serious relationship), what specific qualities, characteristics, etc. are you looking for in a man?

I ask this question because I think many women find themselves is dead-end relationships because they don't have a clear idea about what they actually want. They may say, I want a good man - but what does that mean to you? Where do compatibility & chemistry come into play? Have you sat down and made a list of what you're looking for?

~Honey

I used have lists....haha...it was like a complete personality profile....but now Im a lot more relaxed but I think I got too relaxed which is why I had to come back to my core 3 of 3. I think if he has those basic 3, then the rest are kind of negotiable. I tend to not have chemistry or compatibility with someone that doesnt have those three....its just like NEXT!

 

[Honey]

Honey, I look for a lot of other things such as intellectual curiousity, cultural openess, spending habits, physical fitness, diet, etc. but to be honest.....I dont even get to get to those

Most guys who approach me are two out of three.... They are very physically attractive and love God but have no real career goals and live with their parents (and not for saving for a house reasons) or They are okay physically and have a great career but arent super comitted to their relationship with God. Ive been saying "yes" to those type of dating situations....but the truth is that because they lack a fundamental aspect...it wont lead to marriage anytime soon and I consider that a waste of my time

So now Im trying to be like....nah shawty...you need to have 3 or 3 before we pass go or collect $200.

Yeah, I think that it's better to eliminate people that can't even meet your top three criteria.

~Honey

 

[Honey]

I used have lists....haha...it was like a complete personality profile....but now Im a lot more relaxed but I think I got too relaxed which is why I had to come back to my core 3 of 3. I think if he has those basic 3, then the rest are kind of negotiable. I tend to not have chemistry or compatibility with someone that doesnt have those three....its just like NEXT!

Are you sure that everything else is negotiable if he has a relationship w/God, is physically attractive and gainfully employed? For example, a person could be very attractive and a cheater. Or they could be very active in their church, but have a problem with drugs/alcohol. Really think about the totality of what you want your prospective mate to be, think about it in detail and write it down. Think about the type of life you want to have with him - pray about, but don't just ask God to send you 'a' man. Ask for the man that is truly designed for you.

~Honey

 

[Kenedie]

Are you sure that everything else is negotiable if he has a relationship w/God, is physically attractive and gainfully employed? For example, a person could be very attractive and a cheater. Or they could be very active in their church, but have a problem with drugs/alcohol. Really think about the totality of what you want your prospective mate to be, think about it in detail and write it down. Think about the type of life you want to have with him - pray about, but don't just ask God to send you 'a' man. Ask for the man that is truly designed for you.

~Honey

I totally agree with Honey and those were my thoughts when I read the original post. I know several very attractive, very active men in church with great jobs and salaries but they have all sort of other issues like several children from different relationships, dating several women in the church at the same time and living completely unauthentic lifestyles from what they put forth. While your questions are wonderful starting points, dig a little deeper before you qualify any man. Ask for discernment as to his lifestyle he presents to you.

Ask other questions....does he have any strong accountable Christian men guiding him? Not cosigners but ones that will tell him when he is wrong. Does his words match his actions? What are the things he is struggling with and when you state struggling that could be ongoing, can you deal with those struggles?

Just my thoughts...