Could you be filtering out the love of your life?

[AnnDriena_]

As I've been speaking to others about the dating scene a friend of mine was telling me I may have too many "filters". I call them standards. If you don't meet them you need to kick rocks. There are some things I can't live with and I don't think it's right to PRACTICE on some dude to see if I can. Because if I don't like it I'm not going to try and make it work for me and then end up breaking someones heart in the end.

But I know a lot of people feel like they may miss out on the love of their life so they are trying to be more open hearted. Well how open hearted do you think you could be? and with what standards?

For example I can't date a man over a certain weight. If he can't fit into an active lifestyle it's not going to be fair to him to go off and do my own thing because it's too many stairs for him to climb or for me to date him and then try to turn him into an active person. I'm not willing to TRY him out because he MAY be the love of my life. I know too many people who are in unhappy relationships and not because they don't love the person they are with. But they thought love would conquer all and it doesn't.

I will not date a Non Christian man. That's too important to have differences in that area.

I will not date someone who can't hold a conversation well enough to keep me engaged.

I will not date someone who has multiple children by multiple women. Too much potential for drama. And I had a friend who was helping to pay her husbands child support. Hell to the NO.

What filters or standards do you have that you are unwilling to give up but others may think are holding you back?

 

[LivingDol1]

oh i am with you on this. i think it's perfectly fine to have standards or "filters". everyone else does!

i will not date a man who disagrees with me on politics, religion, or abortion rights. i dated a republican once without even realizing it... never again!!

i will not date someone who is overweight, or shorter than me or too close to my height. the ideal would be 5'10".

i will not date someone who is losing his hair at age 30.... my father is in his 50s and has all of his hair. there is no excuse for a young guy.

i will not date a man who doesn't get along with his family. if he disrespects his mother, he will disrespect you.

ideally i wouldn't want to date a man with divorced parents or one who is the product of a divorce. i'm just not okay with divorce. when i get married, i want it to be forever and only under extreme conditions would divorce be an option.

i'm sure i'm living in a dream world but those are only a handful of my standards.

and i think i've been open because i have dated men who break all of those standards... except for the overweight part. i'm sure my friends would harp on me about the height/level of attraction... and maybe the divorce thing. oh well.

 

[MissYocairis]

As I've been speaking to others about the dating scene a friend of mine was telling me I may have too many "filters". I call them standards. If you don't meet them you need to kick rocks. There are some things I can't live with and I don't think it's right to PRACTICE on some dude to see if I can. Because if I don't like it I'm not going to try and make it work for me and then end up breaking someones heart in the end.

But I know a lot of people feel like they may miss out on the love of their life so they are trying to be more open hearted. Well how open hearted do you think you could be? and with what standards?

For example I can't date a man over a certain weight. If he can't fit into an active lifestyle it's not going to be fair to him to go off and do my own thing because it's too many stairs for him to climb or for me to date him and then try to turn him into an active person. I'm not willing to TRY him out because he MAY be the love of my life. I know too many people who are in unhappy relationships and not because they don't love the person they are with. But they thought love would conquer all and it doesn't.

I will not date a Non Christian man. That's too important to have differences in that area.

I will not date someone who can't hold a conversation well enough to keep me engaged.

I will not date someone who has multiple children by multiple women. Too much potential for drama. And I had a friend who was helping to pay her husbands child support. Hell to the NO.

What filters or standards do you have that you are unwilling to give up but others may think are holding you back?

ALL of your standards listed here are perfectly reasonable. I think your friend is confused.

 

[Almaz]

Okay I can understand everything but the hair part. Its Genetic that is the reason why some men loose their hair earlier than others. Would you hold that against a man who may be perfect in every other way????

oh i am with you on this. i think it's perfectly fine to have standards or "filters". everyone else does!

i will not date a man who disagrees with me on politics, religion, or abortion rights. i dated a republican once without even realizing it... never again!!

i will not date someone who is overweight, or shorter than me or too close to my height. the ideal would be 5'10".

i will not date someone who is losing his hair at age 30.... my father is in his 50s and has all of his hair. there is no excuse for a young guy.

i will not date a man who doesn't get along with his family. if he disrespects his mother, he will disrespect you.

ideally i wouldn't want to date a man with divorced parents or one who is the product of a divorce. i'm just not okay with divorce. when i get married, i want it to be forever and only under extreme conditions would divorce be an option.

i'm sure i'm living in a dream world but those are only a handful of my standards.

and i think i've been open because i have dated men who break all of those standards... except for the overweight part. i'm sure my friends would harp on me about the height/level of attraction... and maybe the divorce thing. oh well.

 

[locabouthair]

Okay I can understand everything but the hair part. Its Genetic that is the reason why some men loose their hair earlier than others. Would you hold that against a man who may be perfect in every other way????

exactly.

What if he has a health issue??

OP, I dont think your standards are unreasonable at all. I have similar standards.

 

[LivingDol1]

exactly.

What if he has a health issue??

OP, I dont think your standards are unreasonable at all. I have similar standards.

hey, we all have our things! besides, it's a total turn off! i went on a date with a guy who was balding but shaved his head. on the second date, i saw the ring of hair growing around the back. okay, whatever... then i went to the restroom, and on my way back, i saw the back of his head.... he looked like an OLD MAN!

not hot!!!

 

[countrychickd]

I've had this conversation with my best friend a few times. I definitely think having standards is fine, because you know exactly the type of personality you like, and being "open hearted" will only lead you to feel like you're settling, but a few standards I feel may be shallow or overboard.

I'm on the fence I guess. I'm of the belief that there's a single person on this earth for each of us, and by filtering, we may actually unintentionally filter out that "meant to be."

I guess an example would be a filter concerning a certain amount of income.....how can you determine whether this is a good person, great lover, etc. from the amount of money he makes. The richest man in the world may very well be the same man that will beat on you and disrespect you every night, whereas that hardworking blue collar man may treat you like a queen.

 

[Bunny77]

I've had this conversation with my best friend a few times. I definitely think having standards is fine, because you know exactly the type of personality you like, and being "open hearted" will only lead you to feel like you're settling, but a few standards I feel may be shallow or overboard.

I'm on the fence I guess. I'm of the belief that there's a single person on this earth for each of us, and by filtering, we may actually unintentionally filter out that "meant to be."

I guess an example would be a filter concerning a certain amount of income.....how can you determine whether this is a good person, great lover, etc. from the amount of money he makes. The richest man in the world may very well be the same man that will beat on you and disrespect you every night, whereas that hardworking blue collar man may treat you like a queen.

Hmmm... see, I believe that we have multiple people that are meant for us on this Earth. Life would suck if there was only one available for each of us... sometimes we might slip up... does that mean that we lost that one chance at love because of something silly we did at 21?

Love is a choice, not a twist of fate.

As for the income thing, I know you just were giving an example, but I hear that one a lot. I realize that money doesn't equal character, but I hear about way more women (especially black ones) getting beat upside the head on the regular by those "hardworking blue collar men" than the richer ones... and usually, everyone was telling them that they needed to give Mr. Blue Collar a chance instead of holding out with someone likely with more financial stability.

Not saying that blue-collar men are gonna beat you either because they're blue collar... and I'm not looking for a rich man, but I'm sure that if one wants to, she can find plenty of non-blue collar men out there who will also treat her like a queen. If she's a professional and desires a professional, there's nothing wrong with that standard and she's probably not filtering out too many potential mates, IMO.

 

[countrychickd]

Hmmm... see, I believe that we have multiple people that are meant for us on this Earth. Life would suck if there was only one available for each of us... sometimes we might slip up... does that mean that we lost that one chance at love because of something silly we did at 21?

Love is a choice, not a twist of fate.

As for the income thing, I know you just were giving an example, but I hear that one a lot. I realize that money doesn't equal character, but I hear about way more women (especially black ones) getting beat upside the head on the regular by those "hardworking blue collar men" than the richer ones... and usually, everyone was telling them that they needed to give Mr. Blue Collar a chance instead of holding out with someone likely with more financial stability.

Not saying that blue-collar men are gonna beat you either because they're blue collar... and I'm not looking for a rich man, but I'm sure that if one wants to, she can find plenty of non-blue collar men out there who will also treat her like a queen. If she's a professional and desires a professional, there's nothing wrong with that standard and she's probably not filtering out too many potential mates, IMO.

I can agree to disagree with you concerning having one person meant for each of us. I tend to believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and our early slip ups, etc. are meant to teach us more about ourself and others, so that later on we will be the person we should be in order to meet that "meant to be". If you mess up and lose out on a relationship with someone, I believe that person must not have been your "meant to be".

I guess we can both agree to having seen people from all walks of life suffer from domestic violence or from a generally terrible marriage, but I was speaking generally in that money doesn't necessarily guarantee a great person, and the opposite is also true. So the requiring of one to meet a certain standard based on income could lead you to miss out on a great person, simply because he doesn't make enough. I guess I'm just saying to be more open to getting to know someone regardless of their income or their status concerning some of these standards. It just may be that "meant to be."

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I'm young so my standards are simple.

Can you answer my first question, "What are your future plans?"

Do you have a car (I don't care if it's a hoopty but do you have a mode of transportation so I won't be picking YOU up for US to go on a date?

Do you have a job?

Do you have a cell phone and can you keep it on for 3 months at a time (If you can't pay a simple phone bill I know you're probably not responsible)

Can you carry a conversation?

 

[Tybi]

Nope. OP you are right to have standards, I wish more women would. This topic is similar to the one I brought up in the sparks thread. I don't think the love of your life would be someone that did not match your goals, dreams, ideas, morals, etc anyway.

I have worked retail for years which allows me to encounter many people on a daily basis. One thing that always amazed me where how the majority of couples matched each other so well. Similar styles, similar body types. It is really fascinating! Thats why I never understood why I attracted so many men that were complete opposite of me, and why my friends and family just could not see why the relationship was going nowhere. And there is nothing wrong with having a type either. I don't find certain men attractive and I am not going to learn to love them or look past physical traits. Sorry.

I wish people would get out other people's business a KIM!

 

[cheetarah1980]

There's filtering and then there's just being ridiculous. I think that women have an idea of the exact man that they want and anyone who doesn't fit that picture gets filtered out with the customary "I have standards and I won't compromise" reason. These same women are getting older and older and older with less and less prospects each year.

I think many women would be surprised at who they can fall in love with. Does this mean not to have any standards? Of course not. I read somewhere that women should come up with 3-4 NON-NEGOTIABLES. If a man meets these basic criteria, he should get at least one date. This forces a woman to really examine what's important to her and what's merely a nice-to-have-but-not-necessary. You're more likely to get a good catch if you cast a wide net then draw it in. Casting a small one will usually only net water that falls through the netting.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I can agree to disagree with you concerning having one person meant for each of us. I tend to believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and our early slip ups, etc. are meant to teach us more about ourself and others, so that later on we will be the person we should be in order to meet that "meant to be". If you mess up and lose out on a relationship with someone, I believe that person must not have been your "meant to be".

I guess we can both agree to having seen people from all walks of life suffer from domestic violence or from a generally terrible marriage, but I was speaking generally in that money doesn't necessarily guarantee a great person, and the opposite is also true. So the requiring of one to meet a certain standard based on income could lead you to miss out on a great person, simply because he doesn't make enough. I guess I'm just saying to be more open to getting to know someone regardless of their income or their status concerning some of these standards. It just may be that "meant to be."

While I agree that money/status or socio-economics aren't EVERYTHING, I think black women have been programmed into thinking they aren't ANYTHING. While having an income cut-off might be a bit extreme, it would make sense that professional woman would want a professional man. Black Americans seem to be the only culture that advocates dating/marrying someone who isn't at the same level or who at least as the active potential to get there. Makes no sense to me.

 

[Bunny77]

While I agree that money/status or socio-economics aren't EVERYTHING, I think black women have been programmed into thinking they aren't ANYTHING. While having an income cut-off might be a bit extreme, it would make sense that professional woman would want a professional man. Black Americans seem to be the only culture that advocates dating/marrying someone who isn't at the same level or who at least as the active potential to get there. Makes no sense to me.

Yeah, that's what I was trying to get at.

Money issues are among the top reasons (if not the top) for divorce, and rarely a day goes by on this and other boards in which someone isn't seeking advice for an issue in their relationship and money is often the reason.

While I think that some folks are unreasonable with their standards (he has to be 6'4", dark-skinned with a Ph.D. and make at least six figures and love the Lord ), I think more black women should actually make money/socioeconomics a stricter standard than they do now.

It would save them a lot of trouble in the long run.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

hey, we all have our things! besides, it's a total turn off! i went on a date with a guy who was balding but shaved his head. on the second date, i saw the ring of hair growing around the back. okay, whatever... then i went to the restroom, and on my way back, i saw the back of his head.... he looked like an OLD MAN!

not hot!!!

At first I was like 'that isn't fair!', but you know what? Everyone has standards. I don't mind a guy losing his hair because I dated a guy who at 21 was losing his hair due to genetics. However, men will turn women down because of their body type, hair length, hair texture, hair and eye color, etc... Women are just as visual as men, but we're more likely to bend our standards if the guy has other characteristics.

I say set your standards where YOU want them, and it's up to you what you'll change or eliminate. I'd rather feel that I fit most of what my future SO wanted instead of feeling like he settled.

 

[michelle81]

oh i am with you on this. i think it's perfectly fine to have standards or "filters". everyone else does!

i will not date a man who disagrees with me on politics, religion, or abortion rights. i dated a republican once without even realizing it... never again!!

i will not date someone who is overweight, or shorter than me or too close to my height. the ideal would be 5'10".

i will not date someone who is losing his hair at age 30.... my father is in his 50s and has all of his hair. there is no excuse for a young guy.

i will not date a man who doesn't get along with his family. if he disrespects his mother, he will disrespect you.

ideally i wouldn't want to date a man with divorced parents or one who is the product of a divorce. i'm just not okay with divorce. when i get married, i want it to be forever and only under extreme conditions would divorce be an option.

i'm sure i'm living in a dream world but those are only a handful of my standards.

and i think i've been open because i have dated men who break all of those standards... except for the overweight part. i'm sure my friends would harp on me about the height/level of attraction... and maybe the divorce thing. oh well.

It is because of the lack of physical attraction to a bald guy, or something else?
The men on my side have hereditary baldness, my brother's started in his early 20's, and has now just shaved it all off.

Maybe I'm biased, but I always thought a bald man was sexy/cute.

 

[countrychickd]

Yeah, that's what I was trying to get at.

Money issues are among the top reasons (if not the top) for divorce, and rarely a day goes by on this and other boards in which someone isn't seeking advice for an issue in their relationship and money is often the reason.

While I think that some folks are unreasonable with their standards (he has to be 6'4", dark-skinned with a Ph.D. and make at least six figures and love the Lord ), I think more black women should actually make money/socioeconomics a stricter standard than they do now.

It would save them a lot of trouble in the long run.

I agree. The bolded is what I was referring to as far as making a certain income. In not so many words, I was referring to those women that make income (extremely high income) a top standard. There has to be some type of standard regarding the issue, but I was thinking of my bf, who's really shallow, I might add, and requires the bolded exactly.

 

[Bunny77]

I agree. The bolded is what I was referring to as far as making a certain income. In not so many words, I was referring to those women that make income (extremely high income) a top standard. There has to be some type of standard regarding the issue, but I was thinking of my bf, who's really shallow, I might add, and requires the bolded exactly.

BTW... I know that guy.

He keeps flirting with me and hasn't bothered to ask me on a date, so he has long been dismissed.

Your girl can give it a shot if she wants... he's in Detroit! I'll give her his number!


Anyway, yeah, I see where you're coming from and we definitely agree!

 

[LivingDol1]

It is because of the lack of physical attraction to a bald guy, or something else?
The men on my side have hereditary baldness, my brother's started in his early 20's, and has now just shaved it all off.

Maybe I'm biased, but I always thought a bald man was sexy/cute.

well, he was VERY nerdy. and i think he had a slight gap in his front teeth. the whole package was nerdy. if he had a toupee he still wouldn't have been hot. hmm... whatever, -it- just wasn't there.

as a general preference, i prefer a full head of hair on a younger guy. or keeping up with a shaved head.

 

[LivingDol1]

At first I was like 'that isn't fair!', but you know what? Everyone has standards. I don't mind a guy losing his hair because I dated a guy who at 21 was losing his hair due to genetics. However, men will turn women down because of their body type, hair length, hair texture, hair and eye color, etc... Women are just as visual as men, but we're more likely to bend our standards if the guy has other characteristics.

I say set your standards where YOU want them, and it's up to you what you'll change or eliminate. I'd rather feel that I fit most of what my future SO wanted instead of feeling like he settled.

lol. YES! everyone has their standards... good grief, guys are way more visual than girls. how come i have to be expected to keep up my appearances, and he can be ugly, tubby, balding, bad teeth, etc etc etc... i know a guy who will strictly date blondes... and that's what he does!

 

[naijamerican]

OP, I think that your standards/filters are very reasonable.

I am not worried about not meeting the right man or over-filtering the right man out, because ultimately I trust that if God has that man for me, he'll be for me and it will work out. It's the process by which that works out that can be problematic. It can work out by me kicking and screaming and holding on for dear life to my "list," or it can take place by me assessing what is most important for me to have, what can be abandoned, and then checking to see if that is the man for me to be with. To me, the process is as important as the outcome because I know that the process itself will edify and strengthen me. It might be a rose-colored glasses way of looking at it, but that's really how I see it.

Just an aside: LivingDol, I don't think that you have to justify not wanting to be with a bald man. Men rarely justify their decisions with respect to what they're attracted to, and whether the balding took place as a result of genetics or was purposeful, you don't like it and that's all there is to it. And if you're "filtering out" the right man, who might be bald, then I sincerely believe that you will see other things that are so compelling about him that the baldness will cease to be an issue.

 

[MD_Lady]

I don't see anything wrong with your filters/standards OP.

IMO, the issue (in general) isn't women having standards, it's them not accepting the possibility of a wait. A woman may know what she wants today, but that doesn't mean she's going to get it tomorrow.