Considering his finances when suggesting dates

[aribell]

So, I have a birthday coming up and a "friend" wants to take me out to celebrate. He keeps asking me to think about where I want to go and what I want to do. I can think of several things, mainly concerts, that with dinner and everything might come to like a $80-$100 night for both of us. Not a huge deal, but that depends on whether you have it to spare.

We went out a couple of times last week--the first time we met for coffee and then had dinner somewhere relatively inexpensive. Next time we went to the movies and had dinner, again nothing fancy. He pays for everything, always does. But I know he doesn't have money, as he's a student. So this weekend I suggested he come meet me at a coffeeshop where there was live music, but no cover. He was receptive, but the timing didn't work right.

Anyway, I'm trying to be conscientious of his position in life and not have the same expectations I would of someone bringing in a salary. Should I try to scale down my suggestions or just let him filter through the ones he can and can't afford? He's never expressed any hint of cheapness with me, but I don't want to put him in the possibly embarrasing position of saying that he can't afford to do something that I say I want to do.

Am I shortchanging myself by not telling him what I really want? Maybe figuring out how to finance dating a woman well is just a part of the "burden" of being a man...

So, how would you handle it?

 

[tailormade84]

i've learned it never hurts to ask men do like to do something special for their SO's
I don't think 80-100 is CRAZY for anyone above the age of 23 going on a SERIOUS date with a VERY close SO

if he can't, he will let you know (or at least he should...otherwise he will just learn a very important lesson the hard way

 

[aribell]

i've learned it never hurts to ask men do like to do something special for their SO's
I don't think 80-100 is CRAZY for anyone above the age of 23 going on a SERIOUS date with a VERY close SO

if he can't, he will let you know (or at least he should...otherwise he will just learn a very important lesson the hard way

The bolded is a good perspective. I would probably be less concerned about it if we were in a relationship. We're good friends, but not quite "SO's".

 

[yora88]

If I were you I would tell him to surprise me! That way he can plan the date and can consider his own finances without you worrying about emptying his wallet. You'll be able to see how creative he is and how much thought he put into your date. Since he KNOWS you, he should be able to come up with something that you will enjoy.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Yes, you are short changing yourself. But seriously, how do you know that he doesn't have any money just because he's a student? Have you seen bank statements, etc?

You're prejudging. What if he said.... "she wears a weave, so she must be bald-headed".

I think sometimes women make the mistake of trying to figure out the finances of a man, which at this point (it's not like you're getting married to the guy next week) is moot. It's a suggestion of where do you want to go on your birthday, not a marriage proposal.

If he's asking you to pick a place at his expense, then pick a place that YOU want to go to and stop worrying about his finances. If you come off "cheap" so to speak, then that is how you will be treated, all because you "assumed" he has no money.

Go out, enjoy your birthday and have a good time, and stop focusing on his finances. You're only friends hanging out. Order up and be happy.

 

[Rastafarai]

You're prejudging. What if he said.... "she wears a weave, so she must be bald-headed".

If he's asking you to pick a place at his expense, then pick a place that YOU want to go to and stop worrying about his finances. If you come off "cheap" so to speak, then that is how you will be treated, all because you "assumed" he has no money.

notworthy:notworthy Enuff said.

 

[tailormade84]

The bolded is a good perspective. I would probably be less concerned about it if we were in a relationship. We're good friends, but not quite "SO's".

oh....i see why you are treading lightly...i personally find it tacky to request an expensive gift from a friend - no matter how cool we are. Now if he wants to give an expensive gift, that's on him. Maybe it's safest to give him options, let him know you will be equally happy with whatever option and tell him to surprise you with one of them. honestly, its about the company anyways. (I always figure i will give myself what i REALLY want if no one does it for me lol im just honored and loved if anyone thinks to get me anything at all )

 

[aribell]

If I were you I would tell him to surprise me! That way he can plan the date and can consider his own finances without you worrying about emptying his wallet. You'll be able to see how creative he is and how much thought he put into your date. Since he KNOWS you, he should be able to come up with something that you will enjoy.

Good idea! And that probably would be very telling.

Yes, you are short changing yourself. But seriously, how do you know that he doesn't have any money just because he's a student? Have you seen bank statements, etc?

You're prejudging. What if he said.... "she wears a weave, so she must be bald-headed".

I think sometimes women make the mistake of trying to figure out the finances of a man, which at this point (it's not like you're getting married to the guy next week) is moot. It's a suggestion of where do you want to go on your birthday, not a marriage proposal.

If he's asking you to pick a place at his expense, then pick a place that YOU want to go to and stop worrying about his finances. If you come off "cheap" so to speak, then that is how you will be treated, all because you "assumed" he has no money.

Go out, enjoy your birthday and have a good time, and stop focusing on his finances. You're only friends hanging out. Order up and be happy.

You are right, it's not that big a deal. He offered. And he was just telling me about wanting to buy a house soon, so what do I know?

I'll probably just give him a list of things I'm interested in and ask him to make it a surprise, or to just pick one he'd enjoy, too.

 

[kismettt]

let him tell you if he can't afford it.

not all students are broke. i know plenty at my school that get a healthy weekly allowance from mommy & daddy (or have a good part time job. my friend is a cocktail waitress at a country club & makes ~$250 on a slow night )

 

[anon123]

I always consider someone's finances when suggesting a date. I wouldn't ask a student to take me to too many $100/night outings. Guess I'm in the minority, though. But this is why I prefer to date non-students.

 

[aribell]

I always consider someone's finances when suggesting a date. I wouldn't ask a student to take me to too many $100/night outings. Guess I'm in the minority, though. But this is why I prefer to date non-students.

It just seems considerate. I think my personal "rule" has been that I don't ask for something beyond what I would treat myself to. So, since I don't eat at extra fancy restaurants, I wouldn't expect to be taken to one just because he's treating. I might treat myself to a concert and dinner, but paying for two is different than paying for one. Life on the other side of perpetual school/perpetual brokeness must be nice.

 

[princessnad]

You really never know. I knew men who had more disposable income as students than when fresh out.

Many grad students, for example, get great allowances and have little expenses.

 

[kayte]

Nothing to add on the superb advice already given..
or that you will get...

what fun!

Come back and spill....
& Happy Birthday~

 

[JustKiya]

I don't take his finances into account when I suggest dates - that's his job.

I will, however, suggest something expensive, something 'reasonable', and something free/close to free, and all things that I would enjoy doing.

For a birthday, since he's not an SO, I'd suggest the same. On birthdays for SO's it's more like 'really expensive', 'somewhat expensive', 'a little more expensive than a usual date'

 

[newbiemom]

I thnk you should give him a range of options with various prices thatyou would enjoy and he can choose from there.

 

[aribell]

As a mini-update, we made plans to go visit some museums and go out to eat this weekend. But we're snowed in. So a couple of days ago, in between our varied schedules and in anticipation of this storm, he didn't go to his morning classes and invited me over for tea. Simple, but it was a nice gesture since he said he wanted to make sure he did at least something with me for my birthday.

But I did take you all's advice and came up with 3 options-expensive, normal, and cheap. The normal option was cut out b/c of the blizzard and the expensive one I decided to treat myself to with a girlfriend of mine, since I learned in the past not to wait for other people to give you what you want. So, what I would have requested wouldn't have ended up costing anything in the end, though he probably would have added a nice dinner on there.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies. This will be good advice for the future.