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Steaming is the only thing that has truly made my hair feel so soft that I had to touch it again to make sure it wasn't damp....It makes my hair very cool to the touch and soft.
Cowashing once or twice a week gave me an extra boost of moisture but what really did it for me was hemp seed oil. My hair retains moisture longer now and it is softer now than it has ever being. i used to think i had the kind of hair that will never get soft but now i realize i just was not using the right things in my hair.
Cermaides - I am using wheat germ oil - stinks yes, but I put it in my DC and end with ACV rinse (the smell goes away or I am got use to the smell ), try it consistently at least weekly for a time. Then your moisturizer and sealing oil. Someone mentioned hempseed oil is not too bad, still looking around for it.
My hair started to thrive with ceramides. I use Hot 6 oil, it has several good oils in it as well as Silicon Mix. I can now air dry and have soft hair.
Try rinsing out your DC with ice cold or very cold water. Then I lightly spray Biosilk Silk Filler, then EVOO. Butter. And my hair is thick and coarse.
I think I know what you mean. There are times when my hair feels very moisturized, (that cool to the touch feeling) but not soft. Its difficult to describe.
My coarse hair though strong, is not very elastic naturally. I notice that when I use products that help with elasticity; namely ceramides and collagen, I get the softness.
My fav Ceramide oils for softness: Hempseed and Rice bran.
Fav collagen conditoners: ORS replenishing and Alfaparf Rigen <----VERY SOFT HAIR WITH THESE
RUSK Pro Elements keratin smoothing treatment gives unbelievably soft, amazing hair. The parts of my hair that was relaxed with phyto is always hard no matter what I do (I use wheat germ oil periodically but it only provides temporary relief). Soft hair all days comes from using the RUSK treatment. It knocked my socks off the first time I used it and with continued use, my hair feels so moisturized, soft and strong.
Using a night time treatment on your hair such as John Frieda Frizz-Ease Overnight Repair Serum or EverStrong Overnight Treatment provides softness all day the next day.
I was going to suggest something like Qhemet, Afroveda Ms. Bree or BeeMine Luscious Balancing Hair Cream (and others). I also like Claudie Ends Insurance and many other "Hair Creams". i.e. SSI Marshmallow, Mozeke Avacado Hair Cream, Darcy Botanicals Coconut Lemongrass Transitioning Hair Cream, MyHoneyChild Honey Hair Cream etc.......Njoi Coconut Hair Creams.... *too many to name*
These have been keeping my coarse strands uber moisturized. And of course weekly steaming and other moisturizing deep conditioning treatments.
@taz007: I think because you dont use a lye relaxer you might have some residual deposit build-up. Look into this product: DeMineralizing Treatment. The instructions are posted on the site, you can also use it right after your TU (on the NG only this time) to rid the hair of any deposits that may have not been washed off. If this works it might help your conditioners and leave-ins do their job better to help you achieve the soft hair you desire.
i've been using Tropical Traditions Coconut Oil for Hair Treatment. I usually use it as a pre-poo, on my hair and scalp and leave it on for an hour or two, before shampooing and conditioning. Makes my hair so soft!
You could also try unrefined shea butter b/c it's so heavy I only use it to steam with, but my hair is so soft afterwards. Unrefined shea butter is now a staple.
I washed my hair with Hair One olive oil and steamed in my trusty Joico Intense Hydrator/CeraRepair Hydratherapie. Applied my Redken Antisnap/Mizani Nighttime and sealed with my natural Shea Butter/Vitamin E mix.