Can a Woman LEARN to Love a man that treats her well?

PrissiSippi

PrissiSippi

Simply Komplex
I remember an old soul telling me this one time. She told me don't go after those attractive shoe-ins. They will break your heart each and every time. A decent man with potential that comes along, treats you well, respects you, and adores you tends to grow on you after awhile.

Is this true?
 
I think is called settling but after what I have experienced so far in life I'm beginning to think it's sound advice.

Infact a girl in my office has just started dating someone who is completely not her type. She said she was tired of the pretty boys treating her like crap so gave this guy a chance. She got to know him and now she can't get enough of him. She says he is so kind, generous and thoughtful and attentive. She says that she now actually fancies him.
 
I've never had this experience but one my favorite, now departed posters used to be very candid about how this is basically what happened with her and husband.

Seems like it worked out well for her.
 
LOL that's the best way a guy can get my attention by treating me well. I love the princess treatment :lol:
 
Bublin said:
I think is called settling but after what I have experienced so far in life I'm beginning to think it's sound advice.

Infact a girl in my office has just started dating someone who is completely not her type. She said she was tired of the pretty boys treating her like crap so gave this guy a chance. She got to know him and now she can't get enough of him. She says he is so kind, generous and thoughtful and attentive. She says that she now actually fancies him.
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I always felt like it was settling also. But as I get older it seems like I find that "your type" often does not correlate with the right kind of man that will meet your needs (like to respect you, not lie to you, adore you and etc.)

I met this guy... In my opinion he is soooo boring. I tease him because he watches anime lol. He's a complete nerd that likes technology. It fits him very well because he is an engineer. We seem to think similarly on many topics such as our future, working in our field, and what we want out of life.

But the conversation and body chemistry is just not there lol. He claims it is though. :look: He claims he feels a strong connection when he is around me...I feel...nada. It's too early to label him as the good guy. BUT I wonder can a woman ever learn to actually like the "good guy" instead of THAT GUY :lick:
 
Personally, I have to feel an attraction to a man AND he needs to treat me well for me to fall in love. I have never successfully learned to be attracted to a man, despite him doing all sorts of nice things for me and treating me like a queen. That's not saying it can't happen. It just has never happened to me, even though I've wanted it to more than once and tried very hard for it.

What attracts me is, perhaps, complex. But I know it when I feel it and I consider it essential for an intimate relationship. And, for me, that can't be learned when it isn't there.
 
Bublin said:
I think is called settling but after what I have experienced so far in life I'm beginning to think it's sound advice.

Infact a girl in my office has just started dating someone who is completely not her type. She said she was tired of the pretty boys treating her like crap so gave this guy a chance. She got to know him and now she can't get enough of him. She says he is so kind, generous and thoughtful and attentive. She says that she now actually fancies him.
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I agree with this post. The woman is still doing the choosing... I'd rather choose from the men that pursue me. Doesn't mean settling far beneath your must haves. I don't do that. But, the guy has to express interest, chase, and be a thoughtful, impressive, attentive date.
 
Cichelle said:
Personally, I have to feel an attraction to a man AND he needs to treat me well for me to fall in love. I have never successfully learned to be attracted to a man, despite him doing all sorts of nice things for me and treating me like a queen. That's not saying it can't happen. It just has never happened to me, even though I've wanted it to more than once and tried very hard for it.

What attracts me is, perhaps, complex. But I know it when I feel it and I consider it essential for an intimate relationship. And, for me, that can't be learned when it isn't there.
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This is me, I have only felt this way with two people before too. I like who I like...I really wish it was that easy for me. :ohwell:
 
Im kinda dealing with this right now..I met a really nice guy about 2 months ago and we have gone on a date almost every week since then.. He is by all accounts, very nice, polite, respectful, the whole 9 yards..He took me out for my Bday, has gone shopping with me at the mall ( and waited patiently) and we havent even kissed yet. But I cant really get into him yet..he is relatively attractive, gainfully employed, and has no kids..but Im not feeling any sparks... Im just like :ohwell:
This ish is frustrating
 
SuchMagnificance said:
Im kinda dealing with this right now..I met a really nice guy about 2 months ago and we have gone on a date almost every week since then.. He is by all accounts, very nice, polite, respectful, the whole 9 yards..He took me out for my Bday, has gone shopping with me at the mall ( and waited patiently) and we havent even kissed yet. But I cant really get into him yet..he is relatively attractive, gainfully employed, and has no kids..but Im not feeling any sparks... Im just like :ohwell:
This ish is frustrating
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This is the exact situation I am in. Except we haven't been talking as long. We've only been talking for a month. What makes you continue to see him?
 
I think physical attraction gets a bad name... What's so bad about wanting to be physically attracted to someone with whom you'd like to have a long-term (physical) relationship, as long as good looks aren't his only positive quality or your only requirement? To answer the OP, that works quite well for some women, but for me, a good relationship without the "spark" is nothing more than a good friendship (and I don't have sex with my friends).
 
SuchMagnificance said:
Im kinda dealing with this right now..I met a really nice guy about 2 months ago and we have gone on a date almost every week since then.. He is by all accounts, very nice, polite, respectful, the whole 9 yards..He took me out for my Bday, has gone shopping with me at the mall ( and waited patiently) and we havent even kissed yet. But I cant really get into him yet..he is relatively attractive, gainfully employed, and has no kids..but Im not feeling any sparks... Im just like :ohwell:
This ish is frustrating
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Girl, just reading your description of him turned me on :look:. Like to me he sounds so sexy. To me dependable, kind, attentive is hot.
 
Sounds like me and the Togolese. I mean, he's doing the right things... though he's not really outshining anyone, per se, unless you count asking me out on the next date as the current one is ending. But, that's what the other guy is doing as well.

I have to wonder, too. I mean, I'm not chasing uber-attractive guys... the guys I like tend to be somewhat funny-looking, in fact. But that's okay with me:lol:
So, I'm not looking for male "dimes," but I AM looking for attraction, you know? And while I don't want the uber-aggressive, uber-sexual guys, (and even though deep down I tell myself that I wish a guy would wait 5 whole dates to kiss me:look:), I still feel that something is WRONG that some seem to have barely a bone of aggression in their body.

It's puzzling. So, can you learn, I mean, I guess... people do it all the time. Given that I'm not a "lookist" when it comes to guys, then I'd just like to find the funny-looking one that makes me go:infatuated:, you know?
 
I believe it is true. Her advice is just saying find a man with real character and potential and don't just chase a man for his looks. Often there isn't anything else to that man. And I think its incorrect to think that you can't be physically attracted to someone that isn't necessarily considered attractive. Physically attractive does not mean that he is ugly, he just isn't someone you would swoon over.

The things she listed definitely tip the scales in favor of that type of guy, especially as I have grown older.

Cute guys really aren't so cute after they get on your nerves :ohwell:
 
I can't be attracted to men that are not considerate and attentive. In turn those are qualities that attract me.
 
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PinkPeony said:
I can't be attracted to men that are not considerate and attentive. In turn those are qualities that attract me.
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Me either but some of the considerate and attentive men are just...BORING omg I just want to impinge myself over and over again over the though of having to listen to them 24/7
 
hopeful said:
Girl, just reading your description of him turned me on :look:. Like to me he sounds so sexy. To me dependable, kind, attentive is hot.
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:yep:
I came in here to say this! To me, this would up my attraction. I'd rather learn to love a man who was very good to me, then go after sparks for a jerk:look:
 
I agree with RegaLady and hopeful. I'm attracted to guys who are both masculine and gentlemanly. For me, seeing this in a guy will make him attractive to me, even if I've previously disregarded him on looks alone. I've concluded that I'm attracted to guys I respect/admire and guys gain my respect and admiration by being godly, acting like men, and treating me like a lady. Being playful/carefree doesn't hurt either. :yep:
 
I really don't believe you can force yourself to feel something you don't feel. Whenever I hear stories of women learning to like men who are good to them, I think it is just a case where a woman decided to give a guy a chance who was not her "type".
 
SuchMagnificance said:
Im kinda dealing with this right now..I met a really nice guy about 2 months ago and we have gone on a date almost every week since then.. He is by all accounts, very nice, polite, respectful, the whole 9 yards..He took me out for my Bday, has gone shopping with me at the mall ( and waited patiently) and we havent even kissed yet. But I cant really get into him yet..he is relatively attractive, gainfully employed, and has no kids..but Im not feeling any sparks... Im just like :ohwell:
This ish is frustrating
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hopeful said:
Girl, just reading your description of him turned me on :look:. Like to me he sounds so sexy. To me dependable, kind, attentive is hot.
Click to expand...

RegaLady said:
:yep:
I came in here to say this! To me, this would up my attraction. I'd rather learn to love a man who was very good to me, then go after sparks for a jerk:look:
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I was having this problem. My SO is amazing, but I was looking for the fireworks or sparks. And someone asked me what have fireworks gotten
me before? And if you go to rrt you will my ex was crazy as hayle, so not having fireworks to me is a great thing.

My mom also told me fireworks or sparks are not what makes a marriage last. sparks and fireworks are extreme emotions that cloud your judgement.

I will take gainfully employed,good to me and fairly attractive over sparks/fireworks anyday.:look:
 
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Hmm, what is boring? Maybe the woman can be the one to bring more excitement to the relationship (if that is what you want). Boring can mean dependable. Boring can mean that the bills are paid on time and you and the kids needs are never forgotten about. Exciting can me that you never quite know if he is going to do what he says what he is going to do or if he is going to show up on time. Exciting could mean all over the place and not able to focus. What does exciting mean to you? Does he know that you wish your relationship was more exciting?

You may not be able to find everything that you want in a person. You may think that a person has everything that you want but then you find that he does not have everything that you need. Even my baby girl says that you can't always have everything that you want. I feel like you are not always going to feel "that attraction" with the person you are in a long term relationship with. There are a lot of things that can influence that. So what if you go with one of the dudes that you have "that attraction" with and then you realize that you won't always have it. What then?

I knew I needed a guy who was going to be dependable. One who would make sure the bills were paid. I knew I needed someone that I could take anywhere and he would know how to act. I knew I needed someone who had a plan for the future. I needed someone who could teach my kids something. I needed someone who could make me laugh. I needed someone who would be there for me no matter what. I needed someone who was respectful, responsible, and could deal with my crazy-behind family. :rolleyes: I think that physical attraction can grow over time. Knowing that somebody is down for you for the long term, that you could trust them with your heart, and that they are willing to do some work to provide you with what you need (in all ways) - that is real attractive to me. :lick:
 
Absolutely. One of my best friends is Indian and had a somewhat arranged marriage, and she's madly in love with her husband. When she met him, she "liked" him and thought that he was cute...not over the top special...but now she's just smitten. He's sweet, thoughtful, generous, kind, etc.

I was physically attracted to my husband when I first met him, but that's not what has kept me around for 8 years. It's the character traits that I find in him that amaze me daily.

At church, when talking about marriage, I've often heard the scripture Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." The man LOVES the wife and the wife RESPECTS the husband. So, I've heard that alot.
 
If a guy was a great guy and I had no spark at all with him, I wouldn't go further. However, spark for me is also personality traits as well, not just physical. Physical for me is appearance and def how a guy dresses and his charisma. My SO has the blueprint for the main personality traits that I do find important however he's def not my 'traditional' type in terms of appearance. He's not flashy and really into clothes and getting fresh. Sounds shallow, but that's what I find attractive - a man that takes pride in his appearance and has a sense of style. With that said, my SO is the first man that I really gave a chance that didn't fit my superficial blueprint to a tee. But most importantly, we click. He's there for me. He'd do whatever is in his power to make sure I'm OK.

I know a guy that would make a great SO and husband, but he's just soooo whack imo. I've known him for 11 years and still feel the same way about him. He just tries too hard, we don't click, I don't find him physically attractive at all. I say this to say, you have to know how much you can work with and what you can't. Same with a college friend of mine, he's a wonderful man, gainfully employed, childless, just an all around good guy - but that doesn't mean I want him as my man. We just don't click and I can't force that.
 
Yes this is true. I always see beautiful or even women who are average in looks but who are well off financially with men who are quite unattractive, shorter and just overall makes one wonder why she even gave him a second look.

But they have a wonderful relationship, a cache of kids, a beautiful home, she may or may not be a SAHM and just seem to genuinely love each other. There are A LOT of these couples in my church. These men totally adore their wives and most of these couples are under 30.

But for me...I need some chemistry before I'm going to be able to find out you're a great guy. That said...:yep: I totally wake up smiling everyday because my sweetie is absolutely handsome, hella sexy AND treats me like the bomb.com.

Yay me!!!!!
 
At first I thought I settled with DH, but as time went by, I realized I had a winner. Even sex the first time was not bad, but there were no sparks. May be it was nervousness. 12 years later the sex is HAWT! Well it didn't take 12 years it may have taken 4-5 times. He is shy, soft spoken, and he was heavier at the time. He has been patient with me and was there for me in my time of need. I guess he kinda grew on me, but at the same time the physical attraction grew quickly because he was (and still is) such a prince charming. He calls me his queen constantly. Now don't get me wrong he is a Taurus and is no pushover, but when the bull comes out, and he is getting on my nerves I look into those big light brown eyes and I melt.

I think attraction is important. But if he is sweet and treats you right, give it time and prayer. Love and attraction CAN GROW. But after a while if there is just NOTHING...you may need to move on and let him treat some other woman as a queen. (something to think about IMO)...
 
OP, you must have read my mind. There is a man that is older than me, that treats me like a queen. He keeps his word. Does whatever it takes to make me happy. BUT, I am NOT attracted to him. I keep trying to be but am NOT. He wants to get married, have kids but I keep finding myself being attracted to my ex that just made me feel like climbing him like a tree, day in and day out. Yet, I connect with this older man on EVERY level but physical. I feel horrible about it.
 
Sexual attraction is very important to me, so I need both:look:. Its not about looks. Its the way someone holds, looks and talks to me. I like internal, genuine sexiness and absence of that is a dealbreaker.

In terms of love yes, of course. Although this time me and SO started started with my first attempt at a friends with benefits scenario.:blush: Not close friends, just a lil stronger than acquaintances. I was into him sexually, but I didn't think he was my relationship type (age, style, few things from his younger years I judged him on lol). Also we didn't really know each other because we hadn't spent time together alone so had misconceptions. He started falling early on and the way he treated me and viewed me was just so lovely. After a bit I started liking that he liked me for who I am. Then I liked him and loved that he loved me. Then I loved him too.

Falling "in love" was a little more tricky and took more time, but I'm there. I dont feel quite as wildly in love as I could be, but I love him a lot and the love between us keeps growing :).

Only falling for guys that treat you well and think you're amazing is a great way of never having to deal with dud relationships anyhoo. Learned that a long time ago.
 
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