Breaking Generational Cycles. Tips For Creating A Better Life

[Shiks]

LHCF,have you been able to break generational cycles or patterns? Any tips?
Some examples
1. A mentality of lack
2. Divorce
3.Unwed mothers


What would you tell anyone trying to get away from these patterns and make a better life for themselves? We have talked about it in passing in multiple threads but I wanted to have a place with all of it in one place. I see certain patterns in my family especially around marriages that I want to break.

 

[hothair]

Well I think our generational pattern is giving opportunities to folk that don't deserve them.

I'll explain.

In laws looking after them, sending them to school and generally being supportive and later they bring other wives, demonise you and try to wreck your home.

Broken that gave my inlaws two years free heart. Now its on pay as you go.

Family friends. Loyalty no matter what support, politically financially. I don't do that again on pay as you go. When you ride with me I ride with you, jump off? Peace.

Boys in the family. Entitled. Well my hubby already knows pay as you go. When I raise my sons I will teach them respect and how to care for themselves and their loved ones no freebies unneccessarily. They aren't OWED anything.

Only stuff I can think of now.

 

[Zaynab]

LHCF,have you been able to break generational cycles or patterns? Any tips?
Some examples
1. A mentality of lack
2. Divorce
3.Unwed mothers


What would you tell anyone trying to get away from these patterns and make a better life for themselves? We have talked about it in passing in multiple threads but I wanted to have a place with all of it in one place. I see certain patterns in my family especially around marriages that I want to break.

Well first you have to acknowledge and recognize these things. Some people don't know. You can't do better until you know better. I think people should seek out a mentor who they respect and admire. Most people think of mentors for their career but mentors are needed in everything, just life in general. And if you're not close enough to someone to ask them, you can emulate their ways and thought process or things you see them doing in their lives you admire.

 

[Kalia1]

@Zaynab stated it best.
Without acknowledgement of such how can one begin to change? I am learning that some people simply "don't know".
I hate to here this and honestly up until recently considered it a cop out.

Yet many aren't given the necessary tools to come up higher. Now what I find problematic are those who are stagnated accomplishing nothing and perpetuating such onto their children. Why don't some of these people want better for their children?

I broke several patterns in my own family yet I did so by being exposed to others who lived differently. I could tell that my life was dysfunctional at best as a child yet I didn't quite know how to make it normal.

Therapy and self-help books started me on my way. Connecting with those who were in a better place than myself made an impact too.

 

[Zaynab]

@Zaynab stated it best. Without acknowledgement of such how can one begin to change?
I am learning that some people simply "don't know". I hate to here this and honestly up until recently considered it a cop out.
Yet many aren't given the necessary tools to come up higher. Now what I find problematic are those who are stagnated accomplishing nothing and perpetuating such onto their children. Why don't some of these people want better for their children?

I broke several patterns in my own family yet I did so by being exposed to others who lived differently.
I could tell that my life was dysfunctional at best as a child yet I didn't quite know how to make it normal.
However therapy, self-help books and connecting with those who were in a better place sincerely made an impact in my life.

I used to mentor middle School girls. The schools were pretty rough to say the least. I remember how they told me they had never met anyone like me, married after kids, college educated, not on some government hustle, worked everyday, etc. For them, I was a unicorn. So whatever your everyday normal is, that's it. That's when I realized you know what, you don't know to want any better if you haven't seen anything different. Exposure is Paramount.

 

[Kalia1]

I used to mentor middle School girls. The schools were pretty rough to say the least. I remember how they told me they had never met anyone like me, married after kids, college educated, not on some government hustle, worked everyday, etc. For them, I was a unicorn. So whatever your everyday normal is, that's it. That's when I realized you know what, you don't know to want any better if you haven't seen anything different. Exposure is Paramount.

This speaks volumes to me. On many levels I was exposed to so much growing up even in the midst of dysfunction. By attending a college-prep private school in Connecticut I was exposed to many things that the average African-American girl isn't.

From fondue to Latin to visiting classmates homes that literally had two zip codes my experience was unique to say the least.
I am recognizing that on some level my exposure made me unsympathetic towards those who by no fault of their own lack ambition.

I find myself being more critical of them and I kid you not it's JUST NOW resonating that many simply are incapable of aiming higher. A part of me wants to do more. Yet how can such a mindset be reversed? Especially in an adult!

 

[Kalia1]

@hothair -Can you elaborate on this statement? "Well I think our generational pattern is giving opportunities to folk that don't deserve them."

Wouldn't each person deserve an opportunity initially? Now if they abuse such or slack due to wanting a free ride then and only then should they be treated differently.

 

[Shiks]

Interesting answers ladies. Keep them coming.

 

[hothair]

@hothair -Can you elaborate on this statement? "Well I think our generational pattern is giving opportunities to folk that don't deserve them."

Wouldn't each person deserve an opportunity initially? Now if they abuse such or slack due to wanting a free ride then and only then should they be treated differently.

I think I explained in the post not sure what else to add.

Charity to me means helping folk unable to help themselves not neccessarily those connected to me by blood or friendship. Infact I prefer to assist those in need I have no connections to with zero expectations.

All the rest I have explained in my original post.

 

[biznesswmn]

I agree with exposure to new things

You need to see and experience what you want to move towards on a regular basis in order for the mentality to shift. If the curse is what u know, here and there exposure wont make the impact. Gotta give it time to sink in, learn it, then be able to apply what u learn, make errors, adjust, make new errors... All the while still remaining on course. It can be done. It may be that u see the problem and learn how to approach the problem, teach what u know to your daughter and she makes the mistakes and adjusts. With each generation things get better. You may not break the curse alone if its so ingrained

 

[movingforward13]

This speaks volumes to me. On many levels I was exposed to so much growing up even in the midst of dysfunction. By attending a college-prep private school in Connecticut I was exposed to many things that the average African-American girl isn't.

From fondue to Latin to visiting classmates homes that literally had two zip codes my experience was unique to say the least.
I am recognizing that on some level my exposure made me unsympathetic towards those who by no fault of their own lack ambition.

I find myself being more critical of them and I kid you not it's JUST NOW resonating that many simply are incapable of aiming higher. A part of me wants to do more. Yet how can such a mindset be reversed? Especially in an adult!

You from CT? Which part. That was my home.

 

[ArrrBeee]

Sometimes you just don't know what you don't know. I knew my family was dysfunctional, but it took me moving several states away to really see how bad they were. It's like being in a stinky room. You get used to the funk unless you leave and walk back in.

The women in my family are very dominant and lack feminine energy. One relative has controlled her daughter's life since childhood and she also heavily influenced the marriage as well. I observed her undermining her son in law's parenting on multiple occasions.

There's a lot of emotional abuse and negativity, cloaked as "telling it like it is". They think I'm disrespectful but if you come for me, you will get checked. It took me a long time to get to that point though. Therapy, distance, prayer, patience, and boundaries have helped me to not be like them.

 

[LostInAdream]

....

 

[Maracujá]

LHCF,have you been able to break generational cycles or patterns? Any tips?
Some examples
1. A mentality of lack
2. Divorce
3.Unwed mothers


What would you tell anyone trying to get away from these patterns and make a better life for themselves? We have talked about it in passing in multiple threads but I wanted to have a place with all of it in one place. I see certain patterns in my family especially around marriages that I want to break.

Breaking this cycle with a vengeance, to the point of being called 'materialistic' by my sister. I made the mistake of always relaying to her what I had purchased and how I was upgrading my studio apartment, and it came to bite me in the behind.

So as you may imagine right now I'm only applying this principle to my financial life, but I really don't want to lack in the love department either. I've lived love starved all of my life and was starting to accept it as normal, but IT IS NOT!

As you ladies have mentioned, people need to see it to believe it. I'll be watching and reading this thread like a hawk.

 

[ClassyJSP]

One of the problems with breaking the generational cycle especially in the black communities is the enabling mothers. This is more so a statement/problem with our men then with our women. In my family in particular I see so many of the women enabling the men and then having such high expectations for the women.

 

[summertimewine]

You really have to break away from your family. It's only generational because it's been taught.
These girls need to leave home to a college out of state imo this can be the best case.
But not always realistic. Other options are
1. Get a mentor
2. Move in silence and keep secrets locked down.
3. Find a suitable friend who can give you lumps of cash/pay for you to move
4. Keep busy through volunteer work to rub shoulders with people with higher wealth

It's hard. It's so so so hard. You have to be one of those kids that has had bigger dreams since you were 5 to really break this. Kids always wanna be popular and fit in. Their parents shame them if they want anything better for themselves (e.g. saying "Oh you think you're smart?" Or purposely not giving their children tools to work/have a positivr social life). If your told all your life that your body is only worth something if a man wants it, and that street smarts are more important than social skills/book smarts, then you really just have to personally want better and literally go out and try harder than ever to get that one lucky break.

Most of the girls I know like this are strippers....i tell them idgaf that you strip but you must do it right to make your life better. Men will pay for anything...speak smart to your clients and use your body wisely and get TF outta where you from...

 

[JFemme]

You really have to break away from your family. It's only generational because it's been taught.
These girls need to leave home to a college out of state imo this can be the best case.
But not always realistic. Other options are
1. Get a mentor
2. Move in silence and keep secrets locked down.
3. Find a suitable friend who can give you lumps of cash/pay for you to move
4. Keep busy through volunteer work to rub shoulders with people with higher wealth

It's hard. It's so so so hard. You have to be one of those kids that has had bigger dreams since you were 5 to really break this. Kids always wanna be popular and fit in. Their parents shame them if they want anything better for themselves (e.g. saying "Oh you think you're smart?" Or purposely not giving their children tools to work/have a positivr social life). If your told all your life that your body is only worth something if a man wants it, and that street smarts are more important than social skills/book smarts, then you really just have to personally want better and literally go out and try harder than ever to get that one lucky break.

Most of the girls I know like this are strippers....i tell them idgaf that you strip but you must do it right to make your life better. Men will pay for anything...speak smart to your clients and use your body wisely and get TF outta where you from...

Every word of this - extra emphasis on the bolded

 

[Maracujá]

Sad to see this conversation isn't taking flight. Anyhoo, one of the ways I try to counteract the mentality of lack, is even by the way I do my grocery and overall shopping.

There was a particular time in our household growing up, where we had to go without food (I was raised in a single parent household). So my mom would always just tell us: "Let's just wait till midnight, so we can all go to bed and forget about our hunger." My sisters and I are able to find humor in this today, but there's really nothing funny about it.

When I first moved out on my own, I used to be so afraid of experiencing hunger that I would stock up food. As a result, food would spoil - as I live in a tiny studio apartment - and go to waste.

What I've noticed is that affluent people don't stock up at all. So that's what I've been doing: grocery shopping on a weekly basis. The thought that accompanies this action is: there is peace in the land, it shall be maintained and there will always be enough for everyone. Couple that with growing your own small garden of vegetables and you're set.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

I agree with what has been posted so far in that you need to separate yourself from the cycle.

I have one sister that is extremely negative that pushes the agenda stated in the first post so I stay very far away. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family...if you're family not good for ya..well, do what is best for your well being. I keep mine at a distance, since they tend to be very negative, there's no good black men, we're not a money family, so & so thinks their better etc etc.... Who wants to hear this nonsense on a regular basis?

I've done well for myself, by volunteering ALOT in my younger days, which exposed to me to some amazing people. who inspired me and assisted with my career growth. Choose friends that had dreams, like myself to live better lives. Mentors at different times for a variety of purposes. I also work very very hard...took day classes...took night classes and alway engaged in professional development to do better. Prayers/church.

I'll be popping in to read any other tips being shared.

 

[MamaBear2012]

My mom was an unwed mother. It is still causing her headaches to this day. I didn't have sex until married. I was determined not to be like her.

Many of my family members are functioning alcoholics. I choose not to drink alcohol. I may have a sip here or there, but I don't really drink.

My parents are terrible with money. As in utilities being shut off, filed bankruptcy, just a mess. I read every finance book that I can get my hands on and am working toward debt freedom.

I think alot of it has been me acknowledging the problem and then taking steps to be better.

 

[snoop]

Well first you have to acknowledge and recognize these things. Some people don't know. You can't do better until you know better. I think people should seek out a mentor who they respect and admire. Most people think of mentors for their career but mentors are needed in everything, just life in general. And if you're not close enough to someone to ask them, you can emulate their ways and thought process or things you see them doing in their lives you admire.

This and letting go of fear. I'm watching someone now who if you catch them at the right time will admit that they come from a dysfunctional family, however, I think they fear acting contrary to this dysfunction or isolating from the family because it would mean that they are "alone". I also suspect they fear financial retaliation (cut out of the will).

It's hard to move out of the cycle when you're told, "I'm willing to put up with it."

 

[Shiks]

I think it is really important to live in a mentality of abundance and possibility. That is my take away.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Sad to see this conversation isn't taking flight. Anyhoo, one of the ways I try to counteract the mentality of lack, is even by the way I do my grocery and overall shopping.

There was a particular time in our household growing up, where we had to go without food (I was raised in a single parent household). So my mom would always just tell us: "Let's just wait till midnight, so we can all go to bed and forget about our hunger." My sisters and I are able to find humor in this today, but there's really nothing funny about it.

When I first moved out on my own, I used to be so afraid of experiencing hunger that I would stock up food. As a result, food would spoil - as I live in a tiny studio apartment - and go to waste.

What I've noticed is that affluent people don't stock up at all. So that's what I've been doing: grocery shopping on a weekly basis. The thought that accompanies this action is: there is peace in the land, it shall be maintained and there will always be enough for everyone. Couple that with growing your own small garden of vegetables and you're set.

I’m having this problem. On the outside we never had money problems that I know about my mother and father came from humble beginnings. My mother stocked up on food. She used to bring boxes and boxes of food from school. Oranges apples milk and cereal. We always had plenty to eat. We also had plenty to throw away. Our generational curse is constant consumerism. I just realized this a few days ago. It’s stopping me from cleaning as well as I could and seeking peace. But fear holds me back. I keep having a fear we will run out of money or groceries and my child will have to go without. So I buy 2T,3T, and even 4T clothes so he will always have clothes. But logically I’ve never had a money problem so why would I soon? I dunno but my upbringing holds me back. I can’t even fully process that Marie Kondo stuff. Everything gives me joy. I have joy in knowing I’m well prepared for the future. It’s just all frustrating for me. I hope I learn how to break that curse and stop passing it down. I go in others houses and they have nothing in their houses. I envy it.

 

[snoop]

I’m having this problem. On the outside we never had money problems that I know about my mother and father came from humble beginnings. My mother stocked up on food. She used to bring boxes and boxes of food from school. Oranges apples milk and cereal. We always had plenty to eat. We also had plenty to throw away. Our generational curse is constant consumerism. I just realized this a few days ago. It’s stopping me from cleaning as well as I could and seeking peace. But fear holds me back. I keep having a fear we will run out of money or groceries and my child will have to go without. So I buy 2T,3T, and even 4T clothes so he will always have clothes. But logically I’ve never had a money problem so why would I soon? I dunno but my upbringing holds me back. I can’t even fully process that Marie Kondo stuff. Everything gives me joy. I have joy in knowing I’m well prepared for the future. It’s just all frustrating for me. I hope I learn how to break that curse and stop passing it down. I go in others houses and they have nothing in their houses. I envy it.

Don't confuse security with joy. You could very well stick that money in a coffee can and know that you'd be able to buy clothes in the future if you needed to. She does talk about holding on to things based on guilt or the feeling of obligation... neither of which actually spark joy.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Don't confuse security with joy. You could very well stick that money in a coffee can and know that you'd be able to buy clothes in the future if you needed to. She does talk about holding on to things based on guilt or the feeling of obligation... neither of which actually spark joy.

Thank you

 

[Maracujá]

I’m having this problem. On the outside we never had money problems that I know about my mother and father came from humble beginnings. My mother stocked up on food. She used to bring boxes and boxes of food from school. Oranges apples milk and cereal. We always had plenty to eat. We also had plenty to throw away. Our generational curse is constant consumerism. I just realized this a few days ago. It’s stopping me from cleaning as well as I could and seeking peace. But fear holds me back. I keep having a fear we will run out of money or groceries and my child will have to go without. So I buy 2T,3T, and even 4T clothes so he will always have clothes. But logically I’ve never had a money problem so why would I soon? I dunno but my upbringing holds me back. I can’t even fully process that Marie Kondo stuff. Everything gives me joy. I have joy in knowing I’m well prepared for the future. It’s just all frustrating for me. I hope I learn how to break that curse and stop passing it down. I go in others houses and they have nothing in their houses. I envy it.

It all boils down to fear really. Especially as women, we fear impending lack. Which is why some women choose for security instead of true love. But there's elegance in only having what you truly need. There's a lady on YouTube who speaks about this very often, her name is Jennifer L. Scott and her channel is The Daily Connoisseur. She's American and spent some time living in France in her youth; she lived with a woman she calls Madam Chic. This woman was always elegant and poised...AND...used everything she had in her home. They didn't have clutter or anything like that.

Elegance has a lot to do with that. As I mentioned, when I used to stock my fridge, food would go to waste. Now that I only buy what I truly need, I find myself coming up with 2-3 different meals with just a few ingredients. Also for me, it has to do with more economic equality. For instance in my city, many young families are being pushed out of the city center, because students here occupy the family homes. Instead of living in small studio apartments, they get together and rent a family home that could serve a real family. Instead of people who are only here for 4 years.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

To be honest I think breaking these patterns involves investment in yourself and in resources that will lead to lasting change:
-therapy
-life/professional/relationship coaching (mentorship)
-group coaching
-traveling
-lessons for music, dancing, cooking, etc to expand horizons

 

[Belle Du Jour]

It all boils down to fear really. Especially as women, we fear impending lack. Which is why some women choose for security instead of true love. But there's elegance in only having what you truly need. There's a lady on YouTube who speaks about this very often, her name is Jennifer L. Scott and her channel is The Daily Connoisseur. She's American and spent some time living in France in her youth; she lived with a woman she calls Madam Chic. This woman was always elegant and poised...AND...used everything she had in her home. They didn't have clutter or anything like that.

Elegance has a lot to do with that. As I mentioned, when I used to stock my fridge, food would go to waste. Now that I only buy what I truly need, I find myself coming up with 2-3 different meals with just a few ingredients. Also for me, it has to do with more economic equality. For instance in my city, many young families are being pushed out of the city center, because students here occupy the family homes. Instead of living in small studio apartments, they get together and rent a family home that could serve a real family. Instead of people who are only here for 4 years.

Love Jennifer Scott!

 

[PeaceLover]

I’m just realizing what my generational curse is throughout my family. Most men are functional alcoholics. I drink, but not excessively & I don’t like hard liquor. My ex-SO was an alcoholic & I don’t see it because he was functional & had had his life together. However, thinking back on it most arguments & small problems came from drinking & they were getting worse so I left.

DH drinks a little more than I like, but it hasn’t caused any major problems yet. I don’t talk to him when he’s drunk. But I do want to address things before there’s ever a huge problem.

 

[Farida]

My dad had a first wife. DH’s dad had a first wife as well. And those blended families have caused so much grief for decades...not to mention stripped my siblings and I of financial security. My dad died shortly after marrying my mother. So all the wealth he had built had been pretty much spent on his ex and her kids. They had a gigantic house, he paid for their college.

My mom struggled as a widow. I have no inheritance from my dad. I have sizeable student loans. My half siblings hate me for no reason other than their dad left their mom for mine. Same story on DH’s side of the family. Except everyone is alive so it is full time petty drama.

It is exhausting. It convinced me that even though it works for some people, I am NEVER going to have a relationship with a man who was ever married before. And with kids I refuse to get divorced unless there is abuse. If I DO end up divorced I am not remarrying. Maybe I will change my mind. But I doubt it. Drama galore everywhere I see blended families.