Books before Boys because Boys bring Babies?

[Skiggle]

I have friends of all races that are single( very pretty and smart) because all guys want is sex and we don't give that before marriage. They wouldn't turn down good guys either. We are more marriage minded and now guys these days aren't really looking for that.

I agree with you.
Most guys TODAY
are not really looking
for a relationship
that goes pass casual
sex, on my campus.
I'm not sure where everyone
is talking about finding a potential
partner at college.
In my group of friend
everyone is usually single.
It's not that we are anti-social females
it is just that the caliber of males
walking around on campus
have other things on their minds and
marriage is the last thing.
Things have dramatically changed.

 

[Glib Gurl]

2. She stays away from boys and becomes Miss Academic Super-Achiever. She figures that boys/men will come along eventually when the "time is right" and after she gets all those degrees she was raised to earn. But her emotional growth is stunted and she reaches late 20s-early 30s realizing that she knows NOTHING about dating and relationships and has no clue where to start. She surpressed that part of herself for so long that she doesn't even know how to find it... and then her family wonders why she doesn't have a man yet. Usually she tries to hide her pain and loneliness in girlfriends, family, work and church... oh, and when she finally does begin dating, she could end up in the same situation as Girl No. 1, just older.

*raising hand* Yep. That would be me . . . trying to figure things out and avoid the Girl No. 1 situation.

 

[CAPlush]

Also, do any of you ladies get the same encouragement and enthusiam about finding a husband NOW as you did when you were getting your education and starting a career?

I look back at all the time, extra money, care packages, etc. that was given to me during my time in school. Telling me to pray over this exam, moving me in and out of dorms, making sure my life wasnt too complicated so i could just STUDY and FINISH.

Now its time to snag a husband. I dont get no help with that.

She wants grandkids but doesnt seem to know where i can snag a husband? Why isnt she at church or asking her friends about some prospects? Dont get much dating tips. I got study habit and financial aid tips though...

And I have found that some women need SO MUCH guidance with respect to dating. I have gotten into convos with close friends who say and do some things that put their sanity into question for me. Sometimes the guys aren't all garbage, that's all I have to say. They're sometimes dealing with women that are crapping all over them for not having good enough grades, or having high cholesterol, or not overcoming enough adversity for their taste, or some crap that an adult should not even have to answer to another adult about. I think 30 is too old to start dating, I have an acquaintance who thinks it is unreasonable to let her boyfriend decide what to watch on her TV at her house because she pays for the cable . I will not be raising any socially inept children. I'm not saying anything about you MizzBrown, just thinking about my friends' latest and greatest dating complaints.

 

[hopeful]

We really must teach our sons and our daughters. I was talking to a white friend who was telling me how she was teaching her son that he had to be able to make a good living so that he could take good care of his wife and children one day. She was quite emphatic about this. She was doing her best to prepare him for marriage. Not that all women want to be "taken care of" but it's just the idea that she was taking the time to prepare him.

 

[inthepink]

One thing I have noticed with my older White Mommy friends is that some of them will facilitate friendships AND boyfriend/girlfriend relationships for their children. I don't know any Black Mommy friends who do this type of thing. I found it very strange at first, that one Mom I worked with was encouraging her son to date, going out of her way to make sure he had flowers and detailed plans for special occasions, etc. Also, one lady planned this elaborate showy "romantic" antic for her son so that he could ask out his crush. I thought this was all so strange, I totally didn't get it until I had my own son. They were both showing their sons how to be gentleman in relationships, how to go about getting the type of woman you want, and encouraging respectful relationships so at the end of the day their sons would know how to treat a woman and get to know what kind of qualities are important to them in the long run. I totally "get it." It seemed like at the time they were encouraging their sons to be "fast" and pushing them into relationships and social situations they otherwise would not want to be in, but I totally see what they were doing now looking back.

I like this! This is what I meant in my post. Helping and encouraging and teaching both men and women how to be with the opposite sex in a respectful manner.

 

[Bunny77]

And I have found that some women need SO MUCH guidance with respect to dating. I have gotten into convos with close friends who say and do some things that put their sanity into question for me. Sometimes the guys aren't all garbage, that's all I have to say. They're sometimes dealing with women that are crapping all over them for not having good enough grades, or having high cholesterol, or not overcoming enough adversity for their taste, or some crap that an adult should not even have to answer to another adult about. I think 30 is too old to start dating, I have an acquaintance who thinks it is unreasonable to let her boyfriend decide what to watch on her TV at her house because she pays for the cable . I will not be raising any socially inept children. I'm not saying anything about you MizzBrown, just thinking about my friends' latest and greatest dating complaints.

I have heard some stories too!

I remember one woman going on a date with an investment banker. He seemed okay and all, but she was later saying, "Well, I don't know if I can deal with a man who's main purpose in life is to make money and not help people. I'd rather have someone like an oncologist, who obviously has a caring heart because he's trying to help people who have cancer."

I was like, WTF? Now, not saying that business guy was automatically the right guy for her, but she was deciding that she didn't want another date with him because she assumed things about him based on his profession, and then wanted to wait to find someone in a more "helpful" profession -- never mind that Mr. Doctor could be beating his wife day and night while he's being "helpful" to patients.

I was just saying... you say you want a man and all, but you're rejecting dudes or not even giving them a chance based on your perception of something that really has nothing to do with how you two would interact in a relationship.

 

[Caramela]

Boys don't bring babies. Girls who are unprepared and niave do. I say that along with the books, you teach your daugthers the truth about male relationships so she isn't a dummy when it's finally her time. Prepare her for adulthood as a whole, not just for the workforce.

 

[CAPlush]

I have heard some stories too!

I remember one woman going on a date with an investment banker. He seemed okay and all, but she was later saying, "Well, I don't know if I can deal with a man who's main purpose in life is to make money and not help people. I'd rather have someone like an oncologist, who obviously has a caring heart because he's trying to help people who have cancer."

I was like, WTF? Now, not saying that business guy was automatically the right guy for her, but she was deciding that she didn't want another date with him because she assumed things about him based on his profession, and then wanted to wait to find someone in a more "helpful" profession -- never mind that Mr. Doctor could be beating his wife day and night while he's being "helpful" to patients.

I was just saying... you say you want a man and all, but you're rejecting dudes or not even giving them a chance based on your perception of something that really has nothing to do with how you two would interact in a relationship.

What did you say to her? I unfortunately just let these women hang themselves, after a cautionary word or two. If you try to get into the specifics of why they are being unreasonable, they will think you are attacking their "standards" and we all know the worst thing a single Black woman with no prospects can do is compromise her standards, even if she's pulling her standards out of her behind as she goes along.

 

[Xerxes]

Also, do any of you ladies get the same encouragement and enthusiam about finding a husband NOW as you did when you were getting your education and starting a career?

I look back at all the time, extra money, care packages, etc. that was given to me during my time in school. Telling me to pray over this exam, moving me in and out of dorms, making sure my life wasnt too complicated so i could just STUDY and FINISH.

Now its time to snag a husband. I dont get no help with that.

She wants grandkids but doesnt seem to know where i can snag a husband? Why isnt she at church or asking her friends about some prospects? Dont get much dating tips. I got study habit and financial aid tips though...

Thanks so much for saying this! I got so much support during college and grad school, but now that everyone is waiting for a grandbaby, I get no help! LOL

Finding a good man is way harder than getting a degree.

 

[hopeful]

I have heard some stories too!

I remember one woman going on a date with an investment banker. He seemed okay and all, but she was later saying, "Well, I don't know if I can deal with a man who's main purpose in life is to make money and not help people. I'd rather have someone like an oncologist, who obviously has a caring heart because he's trying to help people who have cancer."

....

And you know what else is funny, she will probably be the same woman wondering why her friend who married an investment banker travels more than her, has a bigger house, nicer jewelry etc., no you wanted to marry the caring teacher, now be happy and hush. Marrying a doctor can be even worse because they indeed will sometimes care more about their patient than you or the kids.

 

[Theo]

LOl this thread is so interesting. I had one serious relationship in college. He was a pretty nice guy, I mean, we had our issues, but who didn't? We weren't sexually active, because I wanted to wait for marriage and he was willing to wait for me. We dated for 3 years.

HOWEVER. My parents gave me so much grief about the relationship! Never mind that we weren't having sex, but my parents were still soooo worried that I would get knocked up. I think its because they themselves married young, and had to deal with 3 kids while going to school and they didn't want me to have to deal with that. My mom was actually accepted into medical school, but it was a school out of state, and with 3 kids, that wasn't realistic.

Anyway, after I got into medical school, things changed. My mom wants to talk to me about marriage now. She assumes its going to happen in the next few years. If I was still with my ex, maybe. But now that we're broken up. Not really. But my parents think that I'm the best thing since sliced cheese so they assume it would be easy peasy for me to settle down and find a husband lol.

I'm definitely not putting it all on my parents, because I think that the fact that they made it so difficult for my ex did do us some good. Like he was really concerned about doing the right thing by me so he could prove my parents wrong.

 

[hopeful]

...
Anyway, after I got into medical school, things changed. My mom wants to talk to me about marriage now. She assumes its going to happen in the next few years. If I was still with my ex, maybe. But now that we're broken up. Not really. But my parents think that I'm the best thing since sliced cheese so they assume it would be easy peasy for me to settle down and find a husband lol.
...

The bolded is so sweet. I love that phrase "easy peasy," one of my kid's tutors used to say "easy peasy lemon squeezy," I always thought that was so cute. Your ex sounds like a really good guy. Are you guys still in touch? Is he still single. Maybe he was the one.

 

[thatscuteright]

LOl this thread is so interesting. I had one serious relationship in college. He was a pretty nice guy, I mean, we had our issues, but who didn't? We weren't sexually active, because I wanted to wait for marriage and he was willing to wait for me. We dated for 3 years.

HOWEVER. My parents gave me so much grief about the relationship! Never mind that we weren't having sex, but my parents were still soooo worried that I would get knocked up. I think its because they themselves married young, and had to deal with 3 kids while going to school and they didn't want me to have to deal with that. My mom was actually accepted into medical school, but it was a school out of state, and with 3 kids, that wasn't realistic.

Anyway, after I got into medical school, things changed. My mom wants to talk to me about marriage now. She assumes its going to happen in the next few years. If I was still with my ex, maybe. But now that we're broken up. Not really. But my parents think that I'm the best thing since sliced cheese so they assume it would be easy peasy for me to settle down and find a husband lol.

I'm definitely not putting it all on my parents, because I think that the fact that they made it so difficult for my ex did do us some good. Like he was really concerned about doing the right thing by me so he could prove my parents wrong.

You have a very blessed situation.

 

[Nayeli]

Your last post is so ironic Freelove, because what you described happens so often. Several mothers lay on the pressure to excel in school (sometimes at the exclusion of a rel/ship).

Study those books, bring home those grades, keep your mind off boys.

Then at age twenty-something, daughter gets her degree, often an advanced degree at that, and it seems as if right after the graduation ceremony, mother wants to know why her daughter hasn't gotten a man yet, and when on earth she's going to be birthing her some grandchildren.

 

[locabouthair]

I agree with you.
Most guys TODAY
are not really looking
for a relationship
that goes pass casual
sex, on my campus.
I'm not sure where everyone
is talking about finding a potential
partner at college.
In my group of friend
everyone is usually single.
It's not that we are anti-social females
it is just that the caliber of males
walking around on campus
have other things on their minds and
marriage is the last thing.
Things have dramatically changed.

I've said this here before but when I was in college 3 yrs ago, a lot of guys just wanted casual sex. Not many were into rlps and some of the ones that were in rlps still had casual sex on the side

I have heard some stories too!

I remember one woman going on a date with an investment banker. He seemed okay and all, but she was later saying, "Well, I don't know if I can deal with a man who's main purpose in life is to make money and not help people. I'd rather have someone like an oncologist, who obviously has a caring heart because he's trying to help people who have cancer."

Everyone has their preferences that sounds really dumb...Like he couldnt be a stockbroker because she enjoyed it? Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor (not that it's a bad profession). She sounds very picky.

Boys don't bring babies.

I'm 24 and my mom is still telling me this

 

[Bunny77]

What did you say to her? I unfortunately just let these women hang themselves, after a cautionary word or two. If you try to get into the specifics of why they are being unreasonable, they will think you are attacking their "standards" and we all know the worst thing a single Black woman with no prospects can do is compromise her standards, even if she's pulling her standards out of her behind as she goes along.

I told her that you can't judge someone's heart by profession. The banker could be a big donor to charities, while the oncologist might have great bedside manner but be a real jerk in real life. But no matter what, it's a stretch to say that one man is inherently "kinder" than another because of his profession and even more of a stretch to say that profession will make the difference in how he will be as a potential boyfriend and husband.

And you know what else is funny, she will probably be the same woman wondering why her friend who married an investment banker travels more than her, has a bigger house, nicer jewelry etc., no you wanted to marry the caring teacher, now be happy and hush. Marrying a doctor can be even worse because they indeed will sometimes care more about their patient than you or the kids.

Very true!

Everyone has their preferences that sounds really dumb...Like he couldnt be a stockbroker because she enjoyed it? Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor (not that it's a bad profession). She sounds very picky.

Believe it or not, she isn't picky at all and doesn't believe she'll really find a good guy... but I think that because she ended up with the wrong guys in the past and has so little dating experience, her "criteria" for a good guy don't really fit with reality.

If she had received more instruction from family/confidantes about dating and marriage, she wouldn't be so "behind" in her efforts to enter quality relationships.

 

[Theo]

The bolded is so sweet. I love that phrase "easy peasy," one of my kid's tutors used to say "easy peasy lemon squeezy," I always thought that was so cute. Your ex sounds like a really good guy. Are you guys still in touch? Is he still single. Maybe he was the one.

Well, our relationship didn't end on a bad note. At first we had our lives planned out. I was supposed to go to med school and he to law school, and we were going to try to make sure we made it into schools within the same state/ city, however we ended up breaking up junior year, and also he changed his career plans.

Senior year comes, and we were really thinking about getting back together, but then I got into a really great school halfway across the country, it would have been dumb for me to turn it down. He got a job on the East Coast... so the decision was pretty much made for us you know? Because we had been dating so long, we *really* knew ourselves relationship-wise. We NEVER did well when we separated from each other... petty arguments, hurt feelings etc. Even though we cared about each other, the strain of a long distance relationship would have been really hard on us, and probably more so on me, academically. We broke it off.. .for real that time. We keep in contact, but its platonic as I'm dating again and so is he.

That's life sometimes. I have good memories of our relationship though.

 

[tocktick]

I don't think telling your daughter to focus on education instead of boys decreases their chances of teenage sex (and pregnancy). Personally, if I become a parent to a girl or boy, I plan to be frank about sex so that it's not some mysterious thing. Although I would put an emphasis on saving for the right person at a later age. It's already proven that in the countries where sex education starts early, teen pregnancy is really low. I want children aware that the consequences of sex extend far beyond bringing a baby into this world.

I think balance is required though. My parent's were of the opinion I shouldn't be dating until 16-18 (actually, my dad said not until 16, my mother said 18. Interesting, eh? ). I already had it in my mind not to listen to them and any contact with boys I kept from them. If a boy asked me out or liked me, I was never going to tell my mother. They allowed this atmosphere of secrecy to develop. Furthermore, most discussions about men with my mum were ones where she put extreme pressure on me to 1) not only date black but 2) date Nigerian and 3) date Yoruba, specifically. Of course, he also had to come from a good home, be on the up and up etc. Getting her to understand that it was likely she'd need to be open to accepting other cultures/races I may bring home was always met with great difficulty.

When I got to university, every other week it was, "have you got a boyfriend?" etc etc . Yes, my mother thought my studies were important but she miraculously thought I'd meet some really great here. Hmm...not quite, especially not the kind of man she wanted me to have. I met one great Nigerian but he was Igbo, go figure....

Despite my upbringing in this area, I've always sought to have a balance between boys and education. However, when I was going through a dry spell, it was almost better for me to focus on education than dwell on my single status, which could not be suddenly changed out here in one-night-stand land (aka university).

 

[indigodiva]

I remember this in Jr. High...Girls would write that in yearbooks with a Big ol B, and that one letter was for all the words...ah memories...ironically enough most of the girls who wrote that now have kids and some of them obviously did not put the books before the boys.