BLACK MEN AND NAPPY HEADED LIVING – VOLUME 1

[AdeyemiTL]

[FONT=&quot]I have been living nappily-ever-after since 2004. I have taken a few people along with me on my journey to embrace the hair that God has given me. It has been a beautiful experience and now that I have really been consistent and diligent about nurturing my hair and maintaining growth, it has been thoroughly rewarding. But I digress, this post is not about me and my journey, rather it is about the experience of me and my friends as we go through our natural hair journey and the Black men that we encounter along the way.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My girlfriend and I were talking on the phone today about a possible love interest in her life. She met him on her birthday in November, but things didn’t pick until a few weeks ago. They had been playing phone tag or were only able to speak sparingly until last night. Now my friend is pretty, brown and petite, with a face like a doll. She wears her hair in braid-outs and afro puffs. With me and my twin brother’s encouragement she stopped relaxing her hair three years ago. To complete the picture she is a graduate student in Africana studies and she loves all things Black, she really is my type of woman. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So she is talking with this possible love interest and every comment he makes shoves his foot further down his throat. He finally tells her that, “he appreciates black women that relax their hair.” He goes on to say that “most black women can’t pull off natural hair because they don’t have a ‘good’ texture.” After he realizes his faux pas, he backpedals by telling her that “she didn’t have to worry about that because she has the ‘right’ texture.” She remained conciliatory with him throughout the phone conversation and when they hung up she knew that was the last time that they would be conversing.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now I am in no way saying that this mentality is the norm among black men, but I will say that it is prevalent amongst black men. There is something about the image of a black woman with straight preferably long locks that entices most brothers down to their very core. If we want to be honest, it entices most black people to their very core. The question that remains on my mind is, if we as a people cannot acknowledge our native beauty (characteristics common in people of African Descent) then who will? Furthermore isn’t ironic that people outside of our race acknowledge before we do?[/FONT]

 

[kjeneen]

I understand and truly agree, but I would like to also drive home the fact that it is certainly not ALL black men (or even the majority, IMHO). I think it has a lot to do with each person's individual growth and maturity level. For example, a lot of the men on (university) campus really draw towards the sisters with naturals, while oftentimes criticizing us relaxed sisters as being in some state of confusion about our heritage. I even have family members with locks who look down on me everytime I relax my hair (now, figure that one out).

So the door really swings both ways on this one, and no matter where you're standing, if it's too close to the door (criticisms) you're going to get hit.

 

[that_1_grrrl]

Well, it's easier for people of other races to embrace our hair because they don't have the history of being told it was ugly by the White majority. We heard it, and we internalized it and passed it on to our children. The people who "embrace" our hair didn't hear those messages (and there are lot of non-Blacks who still consider our hair ugly). What we have to do then is stop passing on those messages. We may not have created the problem, but we have to solve it.

We'll get there one day. I think with every generation, we're getting closer to being healed. I thank God that I found proud in my dark skin and natural hair before I had children. I am thankful that I will not be passing that hatred onto my children (unfortunately, that doesn't mean someone else won't).

 

[Amelia456]

bump bump bump

 

[zara]

I'm relaxed but I hear you and think you've raised an interesting issue. As mentioned by Rosie, majority of these comments/behavior come from a place of pure ignorance. I'll admit that at some point I believed that relaxed hair made an AA woman look more attractive, now I know better. Best thing we can do is educate people when this kind of thing comes up rather than getting angry. That way they know better, and maybe they can educate someone else in the future.

 

[Bigghair]

The hatred of natural hair is taught and passed down. The love of natural hair in our own community will begin when mothers and fathers begin to teach it at home.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

..........................................

 

[keepithealthy]

My hair is permed now but when I cut my hair off and went natual a few years ago, I actually had a guy I used to date say to me you used to be a 10 but now I think your around a 6-7. All my life I thought that our natural hair was beautiful. I was never able to keep my hair natural because I never learned how to care for my natural hair. All hair care revolved around a relaxer. But alas I have come across this site and I am inspired to try once again. This time my younger sister is on the journey with me and my mom. So here's to the beautiful natural hair that God gave me.

 

[MizzCoco]

i'm just shocked that he didnt hav the good sense to keep his ignorance to himself. I thank the Lord that this mentality is slowly changing.

 

[AdeyemiTL]

I understand and truly agree, but I would like to also drive home the fact that it is certainly not ALL black men (or even the majority, IMHO). I think it has a lot to do with each person's individual growth and maturity level. For example, a lot of the men on (university) campus really draw towards the sisters with naturals, while oftentimes criticizing us relaxed sisters as being in some state of confusion about our heritage. I even have family members with locks who look down on me everytime I relax my hair (now, figure that one out).

So the door really swings both ways on this one, and no matter where you're standing, if it's too close to the door (criticisms) you're going to get hit.

I hear your point, but I do disagree with you. Just because the door moves in both directions does not mean that each direction receives equal movement. Many whites use the same logic, that because some blacks are bigoted against them that they feel the same racism that blacks have historically encountered. That is just not true and it is an argument without weight. The issue of chemically straightened hair versus natural hair has the weight of history behind it. It has the weight of white dominate society superimposing their belief systems and ideals on a marginalized African population. Most black women and men who chose to wear their hair in a natural state are not saying that blacks that do not chose to are inferior, rather I think that they are trying to bring another standard of beauty to the forefront. As a race we should be trying to bring different standards of beauty to the forefront, rather than clinging to one standard that does not recognize our many different manifestations of beauty.

 

[Skiggle]

ffrant:
Good hair,
Textured hair, Bad hair... ALL this garbage..self hate..
When this conversation comes up between my girlfriends
or ignorant people..
I tell'em the only GOOD HAIR
is the one that is HEALTHY and THRIVING.
Regardless of perm/natural.
Bad hair to me is the ones that
is damaged, dull, split
end ..yaddda yadda.
I hate this crap.
I AM NOT MY HAIR.

 

[msa]

I hear your point, but I do disagree with you. Just because the door moves in both directions does not mean that each direction receives equal movement. Many whites use the same logic, that because some blacks are bigoted against them that they feel the same racism that blacks have historically encountered. That is just not true and it is an argument without weight. The issue of chemically straightened hair versus natural hair has the weight of history behind it. It has the weight of white dominate society superimposing their belief systems and ideals on a marginalized African population. Most black women and men who chose to wear their hair in a natural state are not saying that blacks that do not chose to are inferior, rather I think that they are trying to bring another standard of beauty to the forefront. As a race we should be trying to bring different standards of beauty to the forefront, rather than clinging to one standard that does not recognize our many different manifestations of beauty.

I agree with you, especially about the bold.

The default hairstyle for black women is straight hair, whether chemically or thermally straightened. Wearing my hair in it's natural state shows others that there are options they may not have ever considered before.

 

[Sugarhoney]

Honestly, we can say all we want about this subject, but we are not black men commenting on this, so it is hard to get a good prospective on the subject...And saying that black men don't like "nappy" hair is a slap in the face to the intelligence of our brothas. Now long hair..might be another thing entirely..

Most of the black men that I've encountered don't understand why this is such a big deal and they are confused at why we relax or press our hair in the first place. They said they prefer our natural hair, but the majority of us are going to relax regardless, so they just accept it. If a brotha had to choose from short relaxed hair and long natural hair on a black woman, the majority would pick long natural hair, if that makes any sense. Men of all appearances prefer long hair.

I have been told this many times by black men. It is not them that keep us relaxing/straightening our hair, it is us doing it. We are falling for this image that the media and advertisers are putting out--and I doubt the majority of those ppl are black men. If we were all natural, they would just accept it, as they do to our relaxed hair.

 

[weaveadiva]

If a brotha had to choose from short relaxed hair and long natural hair on a black woman, the majority would pick long natural hair, if that makes any sense. Men of all appearances prefer long hair.

I have been told this many times by black men. It is not them that keep us relaxing/straightening our hair, it is us doing it.

great points

 

[HoneyA]

Honestly, we can say all we want about this subject, but we are not black men commenting on this, so it is hard to get a good prospective on the subject...And saying that black men don't like "nappy" hair is a slap in the face to the intelligence of our brothas. Now long hair..might be another thing entirely..

Most of the black men that I've encountered don't understand why this is such a big deal and they are confused at why we relax or press our hair in the first place. They said they prefer our natural hair, but the majority of us are going to relax regardless, so they just accept it. If a brotha had to choose from short relaxed hair and long natural hair on a black woman, the majority would pick long natural hair, if that makes any sense. Men of all appearances prefer long hair.

I have been told this many times by black men. It is not them that keep us relaxing/straightening our hair, it is us doing it. We are falling for this image that the media and advertisers are putting out--and I doubt the majority of those ppl are black men. If we were all natural, they would just accept it, as they do to our relaxed hair.

Correct! I have had natural tresses (APL) and permed tresses (BSL) and I got compliments from black guys all the time. I really think it's the length they are more into. Furthermore, my ex BF helped me to BC the last time I did it, and when he saw my hair all natural, he said it was beautiful. Whenever I BC, I do it when my hair has gained a lot of length so it's not a drastic change I guess.

 

[Gracie]

Personally I think that it depends on where they are from. Relaxed hair was the norm in one state that I lived in while in another state locks and other natural styles were the norm. The men that lived in the first state preferred relaxed hair while the men in the other preferred natural hair.

I also think that it would be great if both kept an open mind because there are more important issues than hair styles and textures. Not to mention they are limiting themselves and missing out on alot of great women. Besides what the heck is good and bad hair?!?

 

[that_1_grrrl]

Wow, a lot of great points in this thread. I really like this discussion. I definitely agree with msa and AdeyemiTL. I hope that by wearing my hair natural, I will start to help debunk the ideas of good hair (because my hair is 4a/b, which is not considered "good hair"), and of the idea that natural hair is dirty, unprofessional, and hard to manage. It would be nice to see natural hair the default in our community as it is other communities (most races where their hair naturally) with relaxed hair being the option.*


*Just to be clear - I have nothing against relaxed hair. I just wish it was the option, not the default.

 

[sweetwhispers]

I've been natural all my life and have never experienced a bad word from a black man. I remember the summer of 06, i had many a black man complimenting me on my hair. That was a weird summer.
My hair is 4A/4B. Many guys are like "its nice to see a woman natural", the other half do not care.
Its honestly never been an issue for me and i'm sure that those guys that don't like natural hair avoid me. So i'm good.

 

[discodumpling]

It starts & ends with me...It is up to us to teach our children about the beauty of SELF...just as GOD intended.
...seriously the only man that has ever had a problem with my hair is my DH...so much cooly hair in his family he's only beginning to understand my hair!

It makes me smile when I walk by a group of young black girls & they start to whisper...I HOPE I am sparking SOMETHING in their young minds....

 

[rsmith]

My hair is permed now but when I cut my hair off and went natual a few years ago, I actually had a guy I used to date say to me you used to be a 10 but now I think your around a 6-7. All my life I thought that our natural hair was beautiful. I was never able to keep my hair natural because I never learned how to care for my natural hair. All hair care revolved around a relaxer. But alas I have come across this site and I am inspired to try once again. This time my younger sister is on the journey with me and my mom. So here's to the beautiful natural hair that God gave me.

Wow! I cant believe this guy said that to you. He is a zero.

 

[Queen_Earth]

I use to be a school teacher and anyway this little girl in my 2nd grade class had the most beautiful natural 4b hair that she wore in afro puffs or sometimes in a big fro with headbands...anyways of course some of the other kids would tease her because they either had relaxers, extensions, or 3 type hair that hung a little differently in ponytails...so I used to tell her how beautiful her hair b.u.t then she would tell me how she wished she were pretty and had hair like me (I was relaxed)...it was at THAT moment that I decided to go natural and never looked back...NOW earlier in the process my husband did say he liked my hair straight because I looked like a little kid with natural hair (my daughter and I had matching hair); however, now he LOVES it and he has since grown LOCS...though natural I wear my hair in all kinds of ways; now sometimes I do feel men prefer my hair straight or in the curly fro style...b.u.t every time I think that I get smacked on my butt...I wore a natural out with just conditioner and a little gel this weekend and a young man (between 14-18) grabbed his boys to look at my hair and was like yo' I like ya hair..that cracked me up...I do agree many of us (women and men) alike have been affected by the weight of White supremacy; however, I think we are evolving as a people and we are educating others everyday about different types of beauty

 

[HoneyDew]

There is a girl on my job that went from damaged relaxed hair to healthy natural hair after transitioning for about 5-6 months. I love her hair and I can tell a difference in her since the damaged hair. She seems happier and really into her hair. That is wonderful, if you ask me.

Meanwhile, there are several black men on the job that have made negative comments about her hair. Saying that she should do something with it. They have been joking her behind her back. I have asked each of them to tell what what it is that is bad about her hair, in their opinion, because I love her hair. She does not seem like the type of person that will care very much what they think, which is good, but I am just curious about why they feel this way.

One guy does not necessarily think she needs to relax it, he just says she needs to "comb it out or something". One said it looks like it has lint in it.

I really don't see what they see. Her hair is great and I have enjoyed watching her transition and now grow it out.

I heard our boss, a white guy, say "Nice Hair" to her when she finally revealed it after her transition.

Also, I notice than people of other races like when my hair is really curly, in a braid-out or in braids. Black men seem to do more double takes when it is straight and blowing in the men.

I don't think this is every case AT ALL, but I do notice it.

 

[RegaLady]

Correct! I have had natural tresses (APL) and permed tresses (BSL) and I got compliments from black guys all the time. I really think it's the length they are more into. Furthermore, my ex BF helped me to BC the last time I did it, and when he saw my hair all natural, he said it was beautiful. Whenever I BC, I do it when my hair has gained a lot of length so it's not a drastic change I guess.

I would be inclined to believe this except I have had SL natural hair( a bit passed SL) and a short relaxed pixie cut, and received a TON of compliments with the cut from the brothers. Alot viewed it as being different and sexy.
It depends on the man. My DH met me with the SL natural hair and HE LOVED IT! He wore locks and he really thinks all black women should embrace their natural hair. He has told me that he prefers me with natural hair(no matter the length) as opposed to long, straight hair. He doesn't think it brings out my best beauty. I will also say he may have matured in his thinking about beauty, and hasn't succumbed to the White majority way of thinking when it comes to beauty standards. He is a free thinker. I am very happy I have a man like this. He could like my hair either way(relaxed, natural, short or long), or not really care, BUT I prefer a man who likes my raw, true self.
I am not 'mixed' with 3a hair
I am not Mexican or another ethnicity with 1a-3c hair
I have 4a/b hair
Whether I relax or wear it natural "it is ME". That is the end of it. I won't pretend that it is something that it is not. When I was relaxed, alot of women would say that they were 2c or 3a or had 'good hair'. I was usually the one who said that my hair was kinky, and that while I straighten it, it is what it was. And I won't pretend this with any black male.
Now, whether I decide to relax again or cut it, it would be my preference.

 

[HoneyA]

I would be inclined to believe this except I have had SL natural hair( a bit passed SL) and a short relaxed pixie cut, and received a TON of compliments with the cut from the brothers. Alot viewed it as being different and sexy.
It depends on the man. My DH met me with the SL natural hair and HE LOVED IT! He wore locks and he really thinks all black women should embrace their natural hair. He has told me that he prefers me with natural hair(no matter the length) as opposed to long, straight hair. He doesn't think it brings out my best beauty. I will also say he may have matured in his thinking about beauty, and hasn't succumbed to the White majority way of thinking when it comes to beauty standards. He is a free thinker. I am very happy I have a man like this. He could like my hair either way(relaxed, natural, short or long), or not really care, BUT I prefer a man who likes my raw, true self.
I am not 'mixed' with 3a hair
I am not Mexican or another ethnicity with 1a-3c hair
I have 4a/b hair
Whether I relax or wear it natural "it is ME". That is the end of it. I won't pretend that it is something that it is not. When I was relaxed, alot of women would say that they were 2c or 3a or had 'good hair'. I was usually the one who said that my hair was kinky, and that while I straighten it, it is what it was. And I won't pretend this with any black male.
Now, whether I decide to relax again or cut it, it would be my preference.

I see what you are saying. I've never had a pixie cut though. And I agree with the bolded. It's about personal preference at any given time and at the end of the day, it's still me. I am currently having an itch to transition to natural yet again. I think about it daily now...

 

[RegaLady]

I see what you are saying. I've never had a pixie cut though. And I agree with the bolded. It's about personal preference at any given time and at the end of the day, it's still me. I am currently having an itch to transition to natural yet again. I think about it daily now...

Your hair looks beautiful, by the way!

 

[AdeyemiTL]

Honestly, we can say all we want about this subject, but we are not black men commenting on this, so it is hard to get a good prospective on the subject...And saying that black men don't like "nappy" hair is a slap in the face to the intelligence of our brothas. Now long hair..might be another thing entirely..

Most of the black men that I've encountered don't understand why this is such a big deal and they are confused at why we relax or press our hair in the first place. They said they prefer our natural hair, but the majority of us are going to relax regardless, so they just accept it. If a brotha had to choose from short relaxed hair and long natural hair on a black woman, the majority would pick long natural hair, if that makes any sense. Men of all appearances prefer long hair.

I have been told this many times by black men. It is not them that keep us relaxing/straightening our hair, it is us doing it. We are falling for this image that the media and advertisers are putting out--and I doubt the majority of those ppl are black men. If we were all natural, they would just accept it, as they do to our relaxed hair.

To say that black men accept relaxed tresses simply because black women choose to relax their hair is to omit the persistence of societal forces that continue to edify images of European beauty. There are reasons that black men think that long straight hair is the beauty standard and it is not as simple as saying they accept it because black women do it. People of African descent call ourselves black not because we simply chose to. But because social forces were at work that constructed the fallacy of race and then constructed institutions that perpetuated its myth. But nonetheless there is a visceral connection that you have with other people who share your race. I say all this to say that the issues that black men and women have with their hair does not stand in a vacuum. It is weighted with a painful history that brought us to the Americas in chains.

I am not saying that all brothers succumb to the mentality that natural hair is less attractive, but enough do that makes this conversation note-worthy. Additionally if the brothers are doing it then the sisters are too, because for the most part black men have black mothers. These behaviors are learned and we get them from our loved ones. My question to you ladies is how many of you grew up with positive reinforcement about wearing natural tresses?

My household embraced an Afro-centric perspective. My siblings and I have African names, we had African name day ceremonies, we grew up with African dance classes, I went through a rites of passage, and all of that jazz. So there was always a strong emphasis placed on embracing my native beauty, however when I went to school the emphasis was in the opposite direction. By the time I was 12, I relaxed my hair because of the constant taunts of my classmates. It was not until I reached my twenties that I had a longing to get back to the basics. I am from the NYC metropolitan area so going natural is something that everyone chooses to do at one time or another. So I felt supported. It has been five years and I have recruited other women and amongst ourselves we empower one another and validate each others experience.

 

[cutiebe2]

Honestly, we can say all we want about this subject, but we are not black men commenting on this, so it is hard to get a good prospective on the subject...And saying that black men don't like "nappy" hair is a slap in the face to the intelligence of our brothas. Now long hair..might be another thing entirely..

Most of the black men that I've encountered don't understand why this is such a big deal and they are confused at why we relax or press our hair in the first place. They said they prefer our natural hair, but the majority of us are going to relax regardless, so they just accept it. If a brotha had to choose from short relaxed hair and long natural hair on a black woman, the majority would pick long natural hair, if that makes any sense. Men of all appearances prefer long hair.

I have been told this many times by black men. It is not them that keep us relaxing/straightening our hair, it is us doing it. We are falling for this image that the media and advertisers are putting out--and I doubt the majority of those ppl are black men. If we were all natural, they would just accept it, as they do to our relaxed hair.

So true. And to be honest, many people going natural may not have the full knowledge of hair care (as was said, the only good hair is healthy hair). Most naturals I know are still in the TWA phase and never leave it. Guys probably aren't checking them because 1. the hair is short 2. It doesn't look like the do anything with it. I don't see long natural hair that much, but the girls that do have it get attention

 

[bermudabeauty]

Every man has their own preference of what they like their mate to look like. He likes relaxed hair...there is nothing wrong with that. Hair might not be a deal breaker.

 

[Southernbella.]

My experience with bm and natural hair is this: Only one of them has been negative, and that was my dh before he came around.

A few months after my BC, I went to my bf's new dh's birthday party. His guy friends were all there, and the last time they had all seen me was at the wedding, where I had MBL bone straight hair. I was a little nervous about what they'd say, but I got nothing but compliments. "That's such a good look on you!", "Man, it's good to see a bw with natural hair", "Can I touch it? It looks so soft", "You look beautiful with your hair like that."

Not one of them asked me why I cut it. I was stunned. Of course I told my dh all about it.

Overall, I find that most bm are complimentary. The rest just don't say anything.

 

[melodies815]

When I had locs, my pastor actually had the audacity to ask me in church one Sunday (in the middle of service!!! We had an open service with questions and answers and it was fun...but this was not!) if I would cut my locs off for my husband.

At the time, I was not dating and had not dated for two years. I think I was kind when I responded, but I was pretty sure that if I married someone they would love me for ME! That means I might be locced one or two years, rocking an afro for a while, and relaxed at other times.

To be fair, my husband likes length on hair, but how I get that length is of no concern to me. He joked that I looked like Martin Luther King (?) and Michael Jackson the first two days, but this past weekend, he stopped me and said, "Babe, you look like a little girl...like a princess."

My former pastor, I guess, would be one extreme of the spectrum of black men who have little tact (at least at that time) and maybe don't realize it, and I think DH is considerate though a bit of a jokester.

My personal experience, like the poster before me, if that most men are considerate, quiet, or complimentary. My negative experience with natural hair has been rare to nothing negative most times.

Great, thoughtful thread!

cj