Being "scared off"

[chronicity]

Hey yall. First-time poster but have lurked for a while. A few of you may recognize my username from haircare boards that went defunct a long time ago.

Recently I met a guy from match.com. And when I say recently, I mean as recently as this past Sunday. After a few email exchanges, we met up for tea and had a nice chat. I thought our conversation went well, and I was pleased to see that he had a lot of nice qualities. So I put him in my "has promise" mental inbox. Told him that I enjoyed meeting him in a follow-up text. I thought maybe a phone call a few days later would be cool so we could set up a fullblown date this weekend.

Since Sunday, the guy hasn't held back in his pursuit for my attention. He texted me during work the next Monday, yesterday, and today. Strings of small talk stuff. He called me yesterday and we talked, but it's wasn't the most engaging convo ever (I dislike talking on the phone and I told him this on Sunday). Today he asked me (via text) to call him tonight; honestly I don't feel like it and I don't feel like answering if he calls. Shouldn't I be pleased when he calls? Why does it feel like a chore? He's taken to calling me "pretty lady" and "beautiful" a lot, too. At first this didn't bother me but now it just sounds like flattery and overfamiliarity.

Yesterday he set up a date with me for this Thursday and Saturday, and shortly after we'd met for tea on Sunday, he asked if I'd be his date for a Christmas party next week. Even though I initially agreed to all three dates, today I text him to let him know I can't make the Thursday one. It seems too much, too much to me. Unless it's an infactuation-at-first sight scenario (which is exceedingly rare for me), I can't imagine having three dates in a 1-week period with someone and NOT losing interest in them. Maybe my chronic singleness has made it easy for me to feel overwhelmed, I dunno.

I'm starting to feel as if any chemistry we might mutually develop is not germinating due to the lack of air. Like, maybe I could like this guy, if only he would give me the chance to miss him. Just a little bit.

Questions for you ladies:

1) How should I tell this guy to slow up in a way that won't cause hurt feelings or future awkwardness?

2) Is this a major sign of incompatibility? Has the ship already sailed on this one? I've never been in a situation in which someone was sweating me so hard that I lost interest in them but was able to get my interest back by telling them to modify their behavior. Have any of you?

The guy is nice. I really want to be into him!

 

[Duchesse]

That's tough. I'm interested in knowing what the ladies have to say. I know for me...that type of behavior would push me back 10ft...but I'm hyper aware of dependent/needy people.

OTOH, he just seems really excited and into you, and really just wants to spend time with you. Why don't you politely decline his next plans, then you suggest something like a week later?

 

[WhoIAm]

He sounds a tad clingy. It's too much too soon. Possible scenarios are:

He falls in love really fast.

He really likes you and is trying to dominate your time to make sure you stop dating other folks.

His wife is out of time for a few weeks and he's trying to get it in before she gets back in town.


1) Tell him you're used to dating at a slower pace. If he's respectful about your concerns then you can proceed on your own terms. If he stops calling, then you know what's up.

2) If it doesn't feel right don't force it.

 

[chronicity]

The guy has also told me in so many words that all he has in his life is his job and exercise. He has no hobbies and he doesn't have many friends in the area. I'm not teeming with friends either, but I'm introverted and generally can entertain myself. He claims that not having friends is why he never goes out to do "fun stuff", and this is why he wishes he had a girlfriend. He sounds needier than I am and this worries me.

So even if I decline his plans, I don't think that "fixes" anything. The mismatch in feelings is still there, right?

 

[WhoIAm]

Don't do it unless you want to take on his issues. How does a grown man not have hobbies or know how to make friends?

 

[ThickHair]

So how do you like guys to show interest in? He is being considerate of your time asking for dates well in advance not just the morning before. He is calling and texting you to show his interest.

Just from viewing your post and other posts on this site, some men are damned if they do and damned if they don't. JMHO

I liked that my guy, sets plans up for the future and just doesn't do whatever. I like that he calls me daily and I have an email waiting for me every morning when I go to work.

What do you want?

If you are not feeling him then you are not, but the things that you have posted that he is saying and doing shouldn't be used as an excuse. Have guys never done that type of stuff for you before? Are you afraid because it is unfamilar? I am not coming down on you I just want to understand.

 

[cheetarah1980]

No hobbies? He sounds boring and like he needs a life. I wouldn't tell him anything. If he asks you out more than twice in a week decline one of his invitations. Let him do the asking and you dictate how often the dates will occur. As you warm up to him (and as he gets a life) you can say yes more often if you so choose.

 

[chronicity]

So how do you like guys to show interest in? He is being considerate of your time asking for dates well in advance not just the morning before. He is calling and texting you to show his interest.

Just like you, I prefer a man who schedules dates in advance. In fact, last minute date requests irk the hell out of me. My problem with this guy isn't that he's a planner; it's that his level of expressed interest seems unusally strong in relation to the stage we're in.

That said, I am typically drawn to men who are understated and more subtle. A compliment here and there is fine, but a lot of compliments from someone who barely knows me (like this guy) put me off for some reason. Probably because at a certain point the compliments start feeling like attempts to flatter and curry favor. I'm attracted to men who clearly are attracted to me, but have enough going in their lives that they won't be trying to be up under me all the time, puppy-like.

There is a balance between being so aloof and distant that I never know if/when you'll return my phone call, and being so clingy that everytime I look at the cell there's a new text message from you saying "hi, how are you?" although I told you "fine" three hours ago.

But I fully admit all this could just be me being my unreasonably introverted self.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

He's sounds suspect. There are tons of different Issues that could or could not be going on but here's the basis of what I see as red flags:
1) He's coming on too fast: Who sets up 3 dates in a weekend from phone calls. He could be a lonely, or b a player who wants to get into your panties fast by making you think he's really into you or c a bunch of other things from a stalker to desperate but basically he's a no go.
2) He's promise guy too. He is showing you he sees you in his future when you just met a week ago. But this doesn't seem in a good way, this seems desperate. This could make him a) full of sh$t and trying to get into your head to make you feel secure so he can get to sex real quick and move on to someone else or b) he's real but either way it's a red flag because it's too much too soon. You don't even know him yet. How in the world can you go to a Christmas party with him . YOu haven't decided to date him yet or not (tea is not a date its a preliminary step). Also the worst one is c) he's a mental case and he will be a stalkerish type.

And then all these texts. Not regular, confident, secure once or twice a day stuff. And maybe a call but all the time on and on when you met a week ago. He seems lonely to me.

I don't see this as a full pursuit. When I say that I like being pursued it's by a confident straight forward man who knows his worth and mine. Not a player, stalker, lonely, or mental nutcase guy who doesn't know boundaries or want to allow for time for someone to feel out a relationship and decide if it's right for them or not. He's not your boyfriend. That is just too much time and effort he's demanding on you, and in a way it's not good because he's not respecting your feelings. IF he was he would step back and pursue but take his time, and allow you to take yours to decide if you want to go serious.

An analogy: you meet a lady on facebook and meet up for tea and she's like "Hi I"m your instant best friend add water and shake" now she's texting you and asking to meet up 3x a week and oh do you want to be her bridesmaid? You just met her! You don't even know if the friend position is going to be filled by her or not. She could be a creep but she's wrapped her self around your life so tight with assumptions almost as if she's not going to give you a chance to get away. It's the same thing, but in a different way. Everyone has a right to choose who they want to be around and people should be confident enough to call, talk to you, without being desperate and needy and draining.
This seems like a serious relationship.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

The guy has also told me in so many words that all he has in his life is his job and exercise. He has no hobbies and he doesn't have many friends in the area. I'm not teeming with friends either, but I'm introverted and generally can entertain myself. He claims that not having friends is why he never goes out to do "fun stuff", and this is why he wishes he had a girlfriend. He sounds needier than I am and this worries me.

So even if I decline his plans, I don't think that "fixes" anything. The mismatch in feelings is still there, right?

After reading this I get it. He sounds needy. Yes I'm a romantic but I like to have space to do my thing too. He hasn't even gotten to boyfriend status where you spend more time with a person. He needs to back off. The standard protocol is call, go out on a date on the weekend and kim...perhaps if you both are really interested you'll do more than that but you haven't gotten to that stage yet. You just met him online.

I have to go against some of the other responses. I realize we want a guy to show interest, but not insanity or neediness. You don't know if he's worth that amount of time yet. I might have a different answer if you knew him better, and were friends first, or worked together. Then you'd know whether you wanted to pursue a relationship or not (and then you still should have the right to say no your busy). But this is some dude you met online and he's all needy like you're his girlfriend when you haven't even decided if you like him enough to keep dating him in the first place, because you haven't gone OUT yet (and tea is not a date lol it's one of those preliminary let's see if you're sane and maybe we can go out later pre dates). What's his problem. That is a total huge jumping the gun moment.

 

[greight]

Yeah, this reminds me of a situation that I was in a couple years back.

Some people do online dating to find friends as well as relationships. I did online dating briefly and one guy told me upfront how he was new to the area and knew no one, and wanted a more filtered way of meeting people. Thinking about it, I can see the reasoning behind it (especially since I wasn't paying for dinner, lol).

So on one hand, I would like to say that this may not be him trying to "wife" you (yet) as much as he just wants to make friends and fill his time. Clingy yes, but the intention is different.

That said, I do think you are wise to take it slow. I did pull back from a guy (we didn't meet online) who was WAY too familiar and called me 2x a day and texted me about 10 or so times after one meeting. At first I went with it, but it did get too much, too soon. He was older (7 years) and I was flattered, but after dating him for about 2 months, he showed his colors. Dodged a bullet

So taking my past experiences, I would say back away slowly, but keep the door open. He may be starved to be around people that he can vibe with, hence the communication. He may also have hobbies, but could also be the type of person who just prefers being around people and likes being out and about.

I don't think you are being too harsh, btw. Just follow your instincts.

 

[hopeful]

I am introverted too and I definitely need my space. I would not want to see a new guy three times in one week, that would get on my nerves. I would not have any major talks with him. Just decline like someone suggested and see him when you want, slow things to a pace that makes you comfortable. I would give him a few weeks and see how things go. Come January you may enjoy having him around. If he's still getting on your nerves you may need to have a talk with him or move on.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Well if he's asking you to do things and its too much, just decline some of the invitations. Personally, if I like you 2-3 dates in a week wouldn't faze me but everyones dating preferences are different, so do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[chronicity]

After reading this I get it. He sounds needy. Yes I'm a romantic but I like to have space to do my thing too. He hasn't even gotten to boyfriend status where you spend more time with a person. He needs to back off. The standard protocol is call, go out on a date on the weekend and kim...perhaps if you both are really interested you'll do more than that but you haven't gotten to that stage yet. You just met him online.

Yeah, this is what I'm thinking too. He's not giving me playa-playa vibes. He's giving me desperate ones. I can't shake the feeling that he wants a woman to fill a void in this life. And really, there's nothing wrong with that. People date and get married because they think being with someone will enhance their lives, right?

But with this guy, it seems like he's put his life on pause because he hasn't had a girlfriend for a while. But the other possibility is that he is using being single as an excuse for why he has a boring social/leisurely life. Both possibilities make me nervous.

Anyhoo, I'm going to continue to see this guy, taking things at my pace, and trying not to overanalyze things (a flaw of mine). If he keeps asking me to do more things than I'm willing to do, I'll decline. I've also decided not to tell him to back off. If this is his natural way of being, then I need to know if I can handle that. Telling him to act differently will only cause me pain in the long run.

Thanks ladies!

 

[ebonylocs]

So how do you like guys to show interest in? He is being considerate of your time asking for dates well in advance not just the morning before. He is calling and texting you to show his interest.

Just from viewing your post and other posts on this site, some men are damned if they do and damned if they don't. JMHO

I liked that my guy, sets plans up for the future and just doesn't do whatever. I like that he calls me daily and I have an email waiting for me every morning when I go to work.

What do you want?

If you are not feeling him then you are not, but the things that you have posted that he is saying and doing shouldn't be used as an excuse. Have guys never done that type of stuff for you before? Are you afraid because it is unfamilar? I am not coming down on you I just want to understand.

Come on now. She has known this guy FIVE days. This is too much from someone you've only known that length of time. If he was a serious boyfriend, yes, you want him to call you at least once per day, see you three times per week, etc. But they are just getting to know each other. At this stage, she doesn't even know if he is someone she wants to spend that much time with.

OP, I completely understand your feelings and I think they are justified. I don't think there is any way to tell him without hurting his feelings and causing him to withdraw completely. You could give yourself some air by not returning his calls until the next day, only accepting one date per week with him, etc. That is, if you decide to continue to see him, because personally, the clinginess and trite compliments and endearments would really turn me off.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

[Theo]

Nothing you said sounds terrible. Its possible that you really are just that fantastic and he is very sprung.

I say give him a chance....

 

[ThickHair]

Nothing you said sounds terrible. Its possible that you really are just that fantastic and he is very sprung.

I say give him a chance....

Well said and because of the way women have been treated in the past or their friends have been treated in the past, some just can't believe that they are such a diamond. I know I am a diamond, so that is the type of treatment I have come to expect from day one. If I am interested then it is all good, if not I tell the gentleman thanks, but no thanks and KIM. As I have aged I have found out that getting to know a person is not that difficult, use a little common sense and you can elimate the creeps right of the bat. So I don't understand why ladies and men continue to built mountains out of mole hills.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm with you, OP. He sounds needy and desperate. It'd be one thing if you knew him before all this but you just met! I'm suspicious to flattery so soon after meeting someone. A previous poster mentioned he might be trying to fill his time since he has no life and I agree. I'm introverted and slow to get to know someone. I like a guy who plans dates in advance but not to the point I feel I don't have time to breathe. Seeing a guy I just met 3 times in a week wouldn't happen either unless this is someone I've known for a while and I really liked him. If talking to him feels like a chore and you don't look forward to it, either gently tell him you'd like to take things slower or cut ties altogether if you feel it's best.

 

[chronicity]

Well said and because of the way women have been treated in the past or their friends have been treated in the past, some just can't believe that they are such a diamond. I know I am a diamond, so that is the type of treatment I have come to expect from day one.

I know that I'm attractive, honestly. The issue isn't that I don't believe he has a good reason to be into me. I just get turned off by certain behaviors and tendencies. Someone calling and texting me a lot, when I don't even know their last name and when we don't even have chemistry or sexual tension yet, doesn't really do it for me. It just kills the thrill.

I don't expect a man to call me "beautiful lady" instead of using my name when all we've shared is some tea and a couple of emails. It's great that he thinks I'm pretty but I'm not looking for constant validation. And it's really an impersonal way of talking to someone, when you think about it.

 

[ThickHair]

I know that I'm attractive, honestly. The issue isn't that I don't believe he has a good reason to be into me. I just get turned off by certain behaviors and tendencies. Someone calling and texting me a lot, when I don't even know their last name and when we don't even have chemistry or sexual tension yet, doesn't really do it for me. It just kills the thrill.

I don't expect a man to call me "beautiful lady" instead of using my name when all we've shared is some tea and a couple of emails. It's great that he thinks I'm pretty but I'm not looking for constant validation. And it's really an impersonal way of talking to someone, when you think about it.

I know what you are saying so maybe you are the type that doesn't like attention, ok. Just so you know there are plenty of women who crave that type of attention, not saying they are lacking self esteem or anything else, but that is what a man who is interest in you does, we some of them.

Browse around this site and read old posts, there are hundreds of them, "I don't know if he like me, he did x, y, z. Does he like me?" I met this guy a month ago and I think he likes me, what should I do?" "How can I tell if a guy is into me?" "Are we bf\gf, I don't know he holds his feelings inside." "Man, men are so stiff, why don't they just say if they like you or not." Are you catching my drift, the reason why I have been posting the things I have been posting? There are many lost women on LCHF and IRL who are really in limbo over if a guy likes them or not. Also that Men Love Ibtch's" stuff, quite a few of them end up lonely Ibtch's. I am not trying to scare you or say just accept anything old thing that want's to talk to you, quite the contrary. What you have describe doesn't seem off the wall to me. It seems like a guy who maybe in the past lost out on someone because he didn't want to loosen up and this time he is attempting to get it right. Some men are so closeted with their feelings. I don't see a guy as soft or wishy washy, who is expressing his feeling and after I get to know them, they do know how to man up and ease up, but just the sight of me makes them feeling like pudding inside.

Good Luck in whatever decision you make sis.

 

[chronicity]

There are many lost women on LCHF and IRL who are really in limbo over if a guy likes them or not. Also that Men Love Ibtch's" stuff, quite a few of them end up lonely Ibtch's. I am not trying to scare you or say just accept anything old thing that want's to talk to you, quite the contrary. What you have describe doesn't seem off the wall to me.

Maybe it's not off the wall, but it's making me pull away from him emotionally. This is something that I don't want, because I want to like the guy.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. Hopefully the date will go well.

 

[ThickHair]

Maybe it's not off the wall, but it's making me pull away from him emotionally. This is something that I don't want, because I want to like the guy.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. Hopefully the date will go well.

Why are you so emotionally close and you are just getting to know him? Getting to know someone, emotions should not be in the way. IMHO you should be enjoying their company or not enjoying their company. Emotions should not be involved this early, ultimately you are the one in control of where this is going no matter what he says or does.

 

[chronicity]

Why are you so emotionally close and you are just getting to know him? Getting to know someone, emotions should not be in the way. IMHO you should be enjoying there company or not enjoying their company. Emotions should not be involved this early.

He's annoying me. Annoyance is an emotion, right? That's what I mean. He's causing me to pull away from him because he's annoying me. No need to read any more into it than this.

If you're saying I shouldn't be annoyed this early of the game, maybe you're right. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

 

[ThickHair]

He's annoying me. Annoyance is an emotion, right? That's what I mean. He's causing me to pull away from him because he's annoying me. No need to read any more into it than this.

If you're saying I shouldn't be annoyed this early of the game, maybe you're right. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Dump him then. If he annoys you now then he will always annoy you. LOL

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I see what Thick Hair is trying to say. I LOVE attention and feeling special (and I'm confident with getting it) but my gut just tells me this is more "stalkerish" or "needy" IDK why. Possibly because of the space of time...and the more I read the more I found...like she doesn't know his last name. I'm sure he also doesn't know hers. I think a guy showing attention is cool, but a fixated guy is a little scary to me.

Yes I've been called daily by a guy who likes me. Yes a guy has asked me out more than once a week, but then you add to it reserving Christmas when they've only had tea (and she hasn't even revealed her last name)...

I just don't know my

 

[ebonylocs]

Browse around this site and read old posts, there are hundreds of them, "I don't know if he like me, he did x, y, z. Does he like me?" I met this guy a month ago and I think he likes me, what should I do?" "How can I tell if a guy is into me?" "Are we bf\gf, I don't know he holds his feelings inside." "Man, men are so stiff, why don't they just say if they like you or not." Are you catching my drift, the reason why I have been posting the things I have been posting? There are many lost women on LCHF and IRL who are really in limbo over if a guy likes them or not.

I see what you're saying ThickHair, but there is a happy medium, you know? I don't like non-communicative guys. No guy is going to give me "strong and silent" and have me hanging around doing that "Does he or doesn't he?" mess. I'm not a masochist. I say toodles and go on my merry way.

OTOH, there is a certain type of guy that gets soooo complimentary and clingy soon after meeting you that you *know* it's not about you personally, he just wants a woman, any woman. Last guy that did that to me wanted to "tie me down for Valentine's Day" (his own words. He was so shocked that I had no qualms about being single on V-day). Sound like Chronicity's guy wants a Christmas date.

You know when it feels right. I mean, I had a guy tell me he loved me after the 3rd date and I was fine with that, because we had shared experiences of a certain.. ahem... depth, and he was measured with his feelings - started saying it, and then tried to hold back. Plus I felt the same way. I think that makes a big difference. When you both are being swept away by something then a little extravagance comes naturally.

I don't expect a man to call me "beautiful lady" instead of using my name when all we've shared is some tea and a couple of emails. It's great that he thinks I'm pretty but I'm not looking for constant validation. And it's really an impersonal way of talking to someone, when you think about it.

To the bold. It's also impersonal and kind of objectifying if a guy calls me "sexy", "baby", "gorgeous" etc. at the drop of a hat when we are not yet a couple. It seems so... glib. Did you forget my name?

 

[gabulldawg]

IDK. On one hand I see where you are coming from, OP, but on the other hand I will agree with those that feel that he is doing the "right" things. Maybe if he continued in this pattern, but just backed off a bit? I feel you, though. It didn't take much for me to feel smothered when I dated. I appreciated that my now DH didn't pounce on me as soon as we started dating. He gave me my time to breathe and I appreciated that.