Begging~Let's Discuss

[hopeful]

It has come to me lately that a lot of us beg people for what we want. The funny thing is that very few women would get down on their knees, clasp their hands, and say, "Please, please, please do this or do that for me." But begging comes in many forms. If you ask a man repeatedly to spend more time with you, you are begging. If you think about a man constantly who isn't thinking about you, you are still begging, albeit silently. If you repeatedly call or text a man without any response and then continue to call and text under the guise of worrying about him and wanting to make sure he is okay, you are begging. If you are extra sweet to a guy, all smiles, but inside are deeply angry with him about something, you are begging. To me the real problem isn't really even the begging, it's what is behind it, underneath it. That is the real challenge, to understand why. Any thoughts ladies?

 

[LucieLoo12]

I am a firm believer that a man should pursue a woman. If you find yourself giving 70% and he is giving 30% chances are 1). He isn't interested 2). He has gotten lazy.

Men will only do what you allow them to do and when you began to know your worth and value you will not accept any type of behavior. We sometimes lower our standards to make the guy fit because we are tied of being single. But no, you either meet the expectations or you move on. ( I do know some women have very superficial standards and that's on them)

We should never be begged to be loved, but we need to be picky with who we give our love to. I was single for about 6 yrs. before I met DH, but I knew what I wanted and I refused to settle. And I wasn't a bitter single woman either, I knew I was a prize. I rather be alone and happy, than be in a relationship begging a dude to be love me. We waste so much time like this. No ma'am. My husband is very blessed to have me . And I him. But he had to show me first that I was going to be appreciated before I fully gave him all of me. I am very happy now.

 

[Britt]

It has come to me lately that a lot of us beg people for what we want. The funny thing is that very few women would get down on their knees, clasp their hands, and say, "Please, please, please do this or do that for me." But begging comes in many forms. If you ask a man repeatedly to spend more time with you, you are begging. If you think about a man constantly who isn't thinking about you, you are still begging, albeit silently. If you repeatedly call or text a man without any response and then continue to call and text under the guise of worrying about him and wanting to make sure he is okay, you are begging. If you are extra sweet to a guy, all smiles, but inside are deeply angry with him about something, you are begging.

 

[hopeful]

Thank you LucieLoo12 Great post. I agree, we should never beg anyone to love us. Love is one of the few things that is completely free. I have had a few women beg me to be their friend. They would invite me to lunch and I would decline because frankly there was usually something about them that I didn't like or I just didn't click with them. But some would just persist for years. The more they begged the less I liked them and the more annoyed I became with them. Begging puts the other person on a pedestal.

 

[Urban]

I think the root source is not valuing yourself if enough. A lack of self-worth unfortunately will lead you down several slippery slopes, not just in your love life.

 

[Britt]

To answer your question, I think there can be several contributing factors that underlie 'begging'. The first that comes to mind is deserving. I think if you deep down love yourself enough to know what you deserve then the chances of you settling for less than what you feel you are worthy of is slim. I honestly don't think many of women are really taught this, it's something that has to certainly come from within and will develop overtime.

Everything I can think of eventually points to the question "what do you think you deserve" and I don't mean this just superficially at all. What type of behavior do you feel you deserve from your mate/partner? What do you find unacceptable and why?

Also, some of us feel we have to do/give in order to receive love. It's not something that we may be aware of but it can manifest in different ways and of course that will translate into how we interact with men.

 

[Glib Gurl]

To answer your question, I think there can be several contributing factors that underlie 'begging'. The first that comes to mind is deserving. I think if you deep down love yourself enough to know what you deserve then the chances of you settling for less than what you feel you are worthy of is slim. I honestly don't think many of women are really taught this, it's something that has to certainly come from within and will develop overtime.

I wonder though if it's not just a matter of feeling deserving but also your sense of what is possible. In the last few years there have been no shortage of books, articles, talk shows, and even movies promoting the theme that you, yes YOU, black woman - no matter how deserving - will NOT find/get/keep a man. It seems like everyone has drunk the Kool-Aid. (I cannot tell you how many black men and even WHITE people have said to me, "Yeah, there are just no good black men out there for you women," or something to that effect.) So even if you know your value and worth, it seems like there is such a perceived "lack" that it may cause women to "beg" and "settle" for less than they deserve.

Great post, hopeful!

 

[Mai Tai]

Chile...#TRUTH

 

[CaraWalker]

It has come to me lately that a lot of us beg people for what we want. The funny thing is that very few women would get down on their knees, clasp their hands, and say, "Please, please, please do this or do that for me." But begging comes in many forms. If you ask a man repeatedly to spend more time with you, you are begging. If you think about a man constantly who isn't thinking about you, you are still begging, albeit silently. If you repeatedly call or text a man without any response and then continue to call and text under the guise of worrying about him and wanting to make sure he is okay, you are begging. If you are extra sweet to a guy, all smiles, but inside are deeply angry with him about something, you are begging. To me the real problem isn't really even the begging, it's what is behind it, underneath it. That is the real challenge, to understand why. Any thoughts ladies?

this is what i think drives this behavior... theres a conflict between the two prevailing schools of thought on lhcf. one is that you are the prize and the other is that you shouldnt settle. in practical terms, it seems to me that the type of man that would be considered not settling is a man who could do better than you... or at least you think he could.

in order not to settle youre shooting high and doing what you can to keep him... which turns out to be too much (begging).

meanwhile, the man that is chasing you and trying to win you because he thinks youre a prize, you feel like youd be settling for him. objectively this may or may not be true but there seems to be a consistent feeling that when women are actually treated like a prize they think the man isnt good enough.

i think theres a balance between the two, personally... just because a man os chasing you that alone doesnt necessarily make him a wise pick, but i cant really see any benefit to "winning" a man that you have to fight for instead of the other way around. in short i think women just need to reevaluate what makes them decide a man is worth all that extra effort theyre expending. instead of sending that second unanswered text, just take a moment and wonder what kind of relationship youre setting yourself up for.

 

[MzLady78]

Great thread. I've actually been thinking about this lately myself.

 

[CaraWalker]

one more thing - i think a lot of women too dont understand that a maybe should be considered a no. for some reason people are ok when a guy is ambivalent and think they can win him over. and ive definitely been there. but ultimately i decided the kind of relationship i needed was when someone who chose me, enthusiastically, over and over. i didnt want to feel like someone settled for me either. and once i decided i couldnt be happy in any other kind of relationship, its the only kind ill accept now.

maybe a lot of women dont know what will make them happy, dont think they deserve to be happy, or honestly dont truly know the value of seeking and demanding happiness. some people really do accept that their lives are just supposed to be ****, or have given up and think they arent meant to be happy. thats one way to live, i guess, but you CAN decide "this is what i want because i have to be happy." i cant imagine living an unhappy life. waking up every day and hating my life is just not an option. so, i decided this is what i need, and its the only thing i will do.

maybe they could decide theres no more room for maybe. only this - nothing else. no "maybe he'll do this, maybe i could deal with that." but you have to know yourself and know what you want first...

 

[hopeful]

Thank you ladies for your thoughts. I'll be back.

 

[nlamr2013]

I am a firm believer that a man should pursue a woman. If you find yourself giving 70% and he is giving 30% chances are 1). He isn't interested 2). He has gotten lazy.

Men will only do what you allow them to do and when you began to know your worth and value you will not accept any type of behavior. We sometimes lower our standards to make the guy fit because we are tied of being single. But no, you either meet the expectations or you move on. ( I do know some women have very superficial standards and that's on them)

We should never be begged to be loved, but we need to be picky with who we give our love to. I was single for about 6 yrs. before I met DH, but I knew what I wanted and I refused to settle. And I wasn't a bitter single woman either, I knew I was a prize. I rather be alone and happy, than be in a relationship begging a dude to be love me. We waste so much time like this. No ma'am. My husband is very blessed to have me . And I him. But he had to show me first that I was going to be appreciated before I fully gave him all of me. I am very happy now.

Sounds like me in the future lol

 

[hopeful]

Good Morning,
I went through the posts so far, to summarize:
*Lack of self-love
*Need to know your worth and value
*Deep down love yourself enough to know you are deserving
*Believe we have to do/give in order to receive
*Sense of what is possible which is affected by our perception of lacked, based on what we read and are told, etc.
*In order not to settle you're shooting high and doing what you can to keep him... which turns out to be too much (begging).
*There seems to be a consistent feeling that when women are actually treated like a prize they think the man isnt good enough.
*A lot of women too dont understand that a maybe should be considered a no.
*Decide there's no more room for maybe.

I like where we are going with this. One area that struck a chord with me is how perception of what is possible is affected by outside forces. I did not realize how powerful society was until I had daughters. No matter how much we said we loved them and told them they were beautiful, they were still affected by society, other children they went to school with, media, etc. It's a kind of societal brain washing.

Also, the not appreciating a man who treats you well. What comes to mind is Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. He treats her like a princess and I was shocked that so many women, black women at that, immediately called him corny. Like really? I am glad Mariah seems to love and appreciate him.

I'll be back with more thoughts.

 

[Urban]

hopeful, I like the way you've summarized it all.

I just had a thought, well two actually:

- The point about not knowing what's possible is a really good one, as you pointed out. As I read it, I thought of the young women who settle for life as it is, even when it's sub-standard. For example, the type of woman who fights another for a man in the middle of the street while he watches or have a baby "for" a man when he hasn't made any moves towards marrying them etc. Having a man, even a kangish one, and having his baby are the highest form of themselves that they know and recognize (because perhaps that's what they see in their environment) or perhaps such a situation serves as a proxy/ substitute to self-love/ self-worth. Perhaps if someone knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can achieve a lot more in life, that there can a a higher form of themselves, and that the possibilities/opportunities are endless ... they would certainly not be settling for chasing kangs and in turn channel that physical, mental and emotional energy into achieving goals.

- Second thought, you need to write a book

 

[CarLiTa]

this is what i think drives this behavior... theres a conflict between the two prevailing schools of thought on lhcf. one is that you are the prize and the other is that you shouldnt settle. in practical terms, it seems to me that the type of man that would be considered not settling is a man who could do better than you... or at least you think he could.

in order not to settle youre shooting high and doing what you can to keep him... which turns out to be too much (begging).

meanwhile, the man that is chasing you and trying to win you because he thinks youre a prize, you feel like youd be settling for him. objectively this may or may not be true but there seems to be a consistent feeling that when women are actually treated like a prize they think the man isnt good enough.

i think theres a balance between the two, personally... just because a man os chasing you that alone doesnt necessarily make him a wise pick, but i cant really see any benefit to "winning" a man that you have to fight for instead of the other way around. in short i think women just need to reevaluate what makes them decide a man is worth all that extra effort theyre expending. instead of sending that second unanswered text, just take a moment and wonder what kind of relationship youre setting yourself up for.

Great points. Reflects a lot what I think on the topic.
I think a lot of the sayings about being the prize are just talk. There are some who get it, and many more who don't. It's a catchy phrase that's thrown around a lot and I think many are misguided on how to actually live it. And I think it is because of the tension you highlighted in your post.

I don't feel particularly comfortable (is that the right word to use) talking about being a prize, personally, because that doesn't say much to me nor about me. I know, for example, that people who relentlessly chase me without my approval annoy the heck out of me, because they haven't taken the hint that their persistence is unwelcome.

What works best for me is to choose someone whom I feel also chose me. It's so much less stressful that way, and I don't have to do any assessing of where I am at any point on some subjective prize spectrum. Because at any point, each of us feels that we are getting as much, or a bit more, than we are giving. And we are excited to give. It's so nice that way. I've experienced the other scenario, and it sucks to high heavens.

 

[CaraWalker]

i just think the disconnect is, how are you going to be the prize if you are also searching for a prize? you kinda both can't be prizes there has to be some sort of reorganization there - like call it a different thing, or look at it a different way.

i see what youre saying about any old guy pursuing you as a prize - i dont really concern myself with guys im not interested in thinking im a prize. thats a nonissue. the way i organize is it just generally, if i'm dating a guy, he needs to be the one putting in more effort. at this point in my dating life, im not trying to be the one making ultimatums, and pushing the relationship forward. so we can choose each other in the sense of dating, but he needs to be the one driving the relationship in my preferred direction. and if hes not doing that, i will either put him on the back burner, or just look elsewhere.

him thinking im a prize is dating a guy who thinks me being in his life enriches it... who thinks i would be a worthy choice, for a good relationship, for a wife... who thinks i am fantastic and admires me and recognizes that any man would be lucky to have me. that's where i think it differs from just a wide-reaching "men pursuing women" point of view.

 

[CarLiTa]

And maybe the issue is that there needs to be a list of bullet points under the phrase "you are the prize" so that people get a better sense of what it means in practice. Like, do you feel like that person enjoys you? How often do you feel that way? Because there is such a thing as being treated like a "prize" only when convenient (like if you're about to dump them). Do you feel like the choice to be with this person makes you feel good about yourself? If so, how frequently?

Sorry, getting detailed with it

I like the various definitions hopeful gave regarding being needy. I imagine many people don't think about those scenarios.

 

[CarLiTa]

Maybe it is semantics but that could be where I don't relate. Maybe that's why it is important to me to feel that I am choosing as well as being chosen. I don't think there's any question in terms of who drives the courting phase, but I think the very fact that I'm responding, warmly and frequently, and allowing someone into my life to the extent that I don't allow others DOES mean I've chosen.

And beyond being an enrichment to his life, it is important also for me to feel that he does the same for my life. Otherwise, why? Especially if there are friends, hobbies, family, and my own company that are self-enriching.

So in that sense, if a guy wants to fit into my life, he not only has to think and treat me like I am high-value but also bring value to my life.

So, not really a prize measuring stick, really. Just want to share my time with someone who makes me happy *and* who visibly and undeniable conveys that he too feels happy with me. Tis all.

 

[hopeful]

And maybe the issue is that there needs to be a list of bullet points under the phrase "you are the prize" so that people get a better sense of what it means in practice. Like, do you feel like that person enjoys you? How often do you feel that way? Because there is such a thing as being treated like a "prize" only when convenient (like if you're about to dump them). Do you feel like the choice to be with this person makes you feel good about yourself? If so, how frequently?

Sorry, getting detailed with it

I like the various definitions hopeful gave regarding being needy. I imagine many people don't think about those scenarios.

@ the bolded, yes , that is why I gave those examples. Sometimes we are begging without realizing it. Or someone is begging us without realizing it. Begging is humiliating.

 

[Maracujá]

Great points. Reflects a lot what I think on the topic.
I think a lot of the sayings about being the prize are just talk. There are some who get it, and many more who don't. It's a catchy phrase that's thrown around a lot and I think many are misguided on how to actually live it. And I think it is because of the tension you highlighted in your post.

I don't feel particularly comfortable (is that the right word to use) talking about being a prize, personally, because that doesn't say much to me nor about me. I know, for example, that people who relentlessly chase me without my approval annoy the heck out of me, because they haven't taken the hint that their persistence is unwelcome.

What works best for me is to choose someone whom I feel also chose me. It's so much less stressful that way, and I don't have to do any assessing of where I am at any point on some subjective prize spectrum. Because at any point, each of us feels that we are getting as much, or a bit more, than we are giving. And we are excited to give. It's so nice that way. I've experienced the other scenario, and it sucks to high heavens.

And maybe the issue is that there needs to be a list of bullet points under the phrase "you are the prize" so that people get a better sense of what it means in practice. Like, do you feel like that person enjoys you? How often do you feel that way? Because there is such a thing as being treated like a "prize" only when convenient (like if you're about to dump them). Do you feel like the choice to be with this person makes you feel good about yourself? If so, how frequently?

Sorry, getting detailed with it

I like the various definitions hopeful gave regarding being needy. I imagine many people don't think about those scenarios.

Really really good points and we do need to get into details because in the modern day culture of reality TV, some young women are being fed that being the prize means you get you some triflin' dude who's got money.

 

[CaraWalker]

Maybe it is semantics but that could be where I don't relate. Maybe that's why it is important to me to feel that I am choosing as well as being chosen. I don't think there's any question in terms of who drives the courting phase, but I think the very fact that I'm responding, warmly and frequently, and allowing someone into my life to the extent that I don't allow others DOES mean I've chosen.

And beyond being an enrichment to his life, it is important also for me to feel that he does the same for my life. Otherwise, why? Especially if there are friends, hobbies, family, and my own company that are self-enriching.

So in that sense, if a guy wants to fit into my life, he not only has to think and treat me like I am high-value but also bring value to my life.

So, not really a prize measuring stick, really. Just want to share my time with someone who makes me happy *and* who visibly and undeniable conveys that he too feels happy with me. Tis all.

no, i think we're saying the same thing like it being a given who drives the courting phase, i also consider it a given that i wouldn't allow being chosen, or want to be chosen, by a guy who didn't enrich my life, bring his own value to the table and etc. i do not consider men potential partners without this base foundation, its literally the very first standard that must be met.

but on another level i also think i understand what you are saying about being the one who does the choosing. i used to have a big problem with this conundrum. when i was younger, i was always chased, usually by guys i didnt want. and so my formative years with relationship experience were marked by a feeling of "giving in" to guys i didnt necessarily want just because they wanted me. i spent a while being dissatisfied with this dynamic, so in my early 20s, i made a very deliberate effort to exercise MY right to choose.

i didnt do that well, either. i felt empowered in a way that had been missing before, and i was satisfied with living my life on my terms, but as a functional relationship strategy, i found that it didnt really work for me, personally. my personality is very strong, decisive, and somewhat insistent, and coupled with being the one who called whatever shots she wanted when it came to men, i wasnt necessarily getting the reaction i wanted. so i had to adjust again, and now i think im at a place with the whole choosing/being chosen that works for me. now i choose passively, and expect the man to choose actively.

 

[sky_blu]

I've been in those scenarios before and have had those scenarios happen to me. I never thought of it as begging but I did check myself when I realized what I was doing and the situation I was in then abruptly took went through the exit sign. If you want something and its not happen IMO its natural for ppl to ask again. The problem is when you're asking continuously with no change.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Ultimately, it's because nobody wants to be alone so they put up with a lot of nonsense.

 

[hopeful]

Ultimately, it's because nobody wants to be alone so they put up with a lot of nonsense.

Thank you naturalmanenyc.

It's a sense that either I beg and maybe I'll get what I want or I will be alone. It's like those are the only two options. If a woman believes that is the case then begging or constantly proving herself to be worthy or stewing in a bad situation wouldn't seem so bad considering the alternative.

It hurt to write that.

I'm still thinking about some of the other ideas as well.

 

[Maracujá]

To answer your question, I think there can be several contributing factors that underlie 'begging'. The first that comes to mind is deserving. I think if you deep down love yourself enough to know what you deserve then the chances of you settling for less than what you feel you are worthy of is slim. I honestly don't think many of women are really taught this, it's something that has to certainly come from within and will develop overtime.

Everything I can think of eventually points to the question "what do you think you deserve" and I don't mean this just superficially at all. What type of behavior do you feel you deserve from your mate/partner? What do you find unacceptable and why?

Also, some of us feel we have to do/give in order to receive love. It's not something that we may be aware of but it can manifest in different ways and of course that will translate into how we interact with men.

And this can mean or begin with little things while you're courting. E.g. my sister is always on time everywhere, so she made it clear to her ex with whom she was for 6 years that he was to always be on time at every appointment they made and he respected that even though he personally had a hard time being on time everywhere. Recently my sister told me about a friend of hers who just had a baby, she was going to meet some friends and had already discussed it with her DH who said he was going to watch the baby. At the last minute though her DH switched his plans and took up an extra shift at work, he wanted my sister's friend to cancel her plans. Well, my sister's friend stuck to her guns and said that they had already discussed the matter, end of story.

It's seemingly little battles like this that we need to win on a day to day basis as women, not wishing and hoping for a man making 500,000USD/year thinking that somehow makes you a woman of high standards.

 

[proudofmynaps]

Bumping

Thank you OP for this topic.

 

[proudofmynaps]

It has come to me lately that a lot of us beg people for what we want. The funny thing is that very few women would get down on their knees, clasp their hands, and say, "Please, please, please do this or do that for me." But begging comes in many forms. If you ask a man repeatedly to spend more time with you, you are begging. If you think about a man constantly who isn't thinking about you, you are still begging, albeit silently. If you repeatedly call or text a man without any response and then continue to call and text under the guise of worrying about him and wanting to make sure he is okay, you are begging. If you are extra sweet to a guy, all smiles, but inside are deeply angry with him about something, you are begging. To me the real problem isn't really even the begging, it's what is behind it, underneath it. That is the real challenge, to understand why. Any thoughts ladies?

hopeful How is this begging?

 

[CaraWalker]

cause you want him to care AND HE DONT. /drunkpost

 

[LiftedUp]

I think people "beg" in all spheres of life not only women in romantic relationships.