Are your guy friends REALLY just friends - Platonic Relationships.

[gone_fishing]

Whether you are in a relationship or not I'm interested to know about this thing called a platonic relationship.

I was challenged to evaluate my opposite gender relationships and asked the following - Of the men that I consider to be JUST my friend:

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so?

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so?

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default?

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed?

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above?

(This does not include any male friend that I know exclusively from the internet and have no contact with in real life - just for the sake of argument).

I'm talking only about real life guys who you see and have a relationship with.

Wow, after thinking about that I realized that very very few of my guy friends fall OUTSIDE of the categories above saving some childhood friends.

Is it healthy to keep these types of friend around if you are in a relationship and ummmm...what do you think of your SO keeping these types of friends around?

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=2612919&postcount=12

This is what inspired this thread.

 

[gone_fishing]

Also if there's a woman who has a "thing" for your SO and he swears he has no interest in her outside of friendship and he hasn't ever (to your knowledge) done anything to imply that he has a thing more than friendship for her - does that make you uncomfortable or are you satisfied that on his part there is no interest?

And vice versa - is it okay for you to be friends with a guy who you know you have no interest in but he may have an interest in you?

 

[foxxymami]

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Yes, all 4 or 5 of them (former guy friends).

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Honestly? Yes, when I may have been going through a rough patch and was trying to fill a void after breaking up with a boyfriend or something.

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? Yes, 1 of them

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? No, they went and got girlfriends and aren't worrying about me anymore LOL!

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? No

Is it healthy to keep these types of friend around if you are in a relationship and ummmm...what do you think of your SO keeping these types of friends around?

I think it is very possible to move towards a platonic friendship after having an initial attraction (on either part). So, no I don't think it is unhealthy. What I would find suspicious is if SO developed a new friendship with some female while we are together erplexed. And, he should feel the same with me.

 

[glamazon386]

I do have some platonic relationships. Usually with childhood friends. Some of the others may have started off as there being an initial attraction that never went anywhere. I've never had a problem with them interfering with a relationship though. I generally don't talk to them often.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

Whether you are in a relationship or not I'm interested to know about this thing called a platonic relationship.

I was challenged to evaluate my opposite gender relationships and asked the following - Of the men that I consider to be JUST my friend:

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so?

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so?

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default?

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed?

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above?

(This does not include any male friend that I know exclusively from the internet and have no contact with in real life - just for the sake of argument).

I'm talking only about real life guys who you see and have a relationship with.

Wow, after thinking about that I realized that very very few of my guy friends fall OUTSIDE of the categories above saving some childhood friends.

Is it healthy to keep these types of friend around if you are in a relationship and ummmm...what do you think of your SO keeping these types of friends around?

I actually have one guy friend currently, and old friends from high school that do not fall beneath any of these questions. I hang out with a groupd of guys(three) that are supposed to be considered platonic (but I recently kinda started "dating" one, and one has expressed interest, but I was never interested) I have been friends with them through two relationships, and it was originally a sore spot for the exes, but I never spokea bout them much, adn always lessened the amount of time we spent together to respect my relationship. The one who is actually platonic is like a brother to me, but he jokes around, but he does that to every female he meets, so I never take him seriously. Also these aren't best friends, and I guess if I was talking to them everyday and I was in arelationship it would be a different story. We've said b4 as a group that we hang out w/ one another just to prove that there's hope for our race and age group that there are good, bout their business, funny, intelligent men and women out there of the same age group, but not to hook up w/ one another. LIke if I met a cute girl, who I thought was worthy of one of them I would totally introduce them and hope for the best.

I wouldn't be jealous if a SO hadthe type of relationship I have w/ thse guys w/ a female, b/c it's not sooo serious(except for the one I'm very loosely involved w) , but I think it's important to be respectful of a relationship, and that means if you're partner has a big problem with it you have to take that into consideration when deciding how much time you need to spend alone w/ someone of the opposite sex, IMO.

 

[gone_fishing]

nevermind...

 

[SkinnyMocah]

I really think this issue is dependent upon certain variables, one of which is how 'hot' a person is considered to be. I don't really have the 'my guy friends keep falling in love with me' problem so my answers might skew your results.

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an
interest in doing so? Nope.

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? 2, yes. Both very plainly said they had no interest in me on that level.

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? Nope. I do not remain friends with anyone I have dated.

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? Nope.

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? Nope. My friends are my friends, period.
​

 

[audacious1]

All of the males that I have friendships that I value have been romantically interested in me in the past (and one particular person believes that he is in love with me). However, they don't interfere with what I have going on in my relationship. But my SO doesn't know about these friends because my father advised me that it would be best for him not to know. ::shrugs::

 

[foxxymami]

Aw shoot...why'd you delete adequate, I was just coming back to read your 2nd post?

 

[frankie]

I have 5 guys in mind, 1 lives in Conn with his fiance, the other 4 are local and I see them often enough, mostly in groups setings...at times, I am the only girl.

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Yes, 3 have. I went on a date with 1 and we knew that wasn't gonna work for us. Haven't thought twice about it, we're cool. Another used to be my roomate, and he got drunk and tried to take it there...I was not interested and did not go there, his ex-gf hates me because of it. The last one had a girlfriend at the time, still has the same girlfriend, tried to push up on me after a night of drinking and partying...I was not interested and did not go there, and I have kept his secret til this day(outside of anonymously sharing with you ladies:wink2. The other 2, have never tried anything. Although, the one did jokingly tell me he used to have a crush on me when we were in school together, he's better off with his fiance. I might add that I never had a physical relationship with any of them, not so much as a kiss!

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? The 5 that I have in mind...No! I have in the past been friends with a guy that turned into a hell of alot more, but neither of us were in relationships with other people...no harm no foul. We are no longer "friends". He is engaged to someone else, I have a boyfriend and the history is too deep to attempt to have a platonic friendship.

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? We were friends from jump street, hanging out in groups, no failed love interests.

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? Nope, I limit my contact with those guys. A hey how are you in passing, and keep it moving!

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? Yes

Is it healthy to keep these types of friend around if you are in a relationship and ummmm...what do you think of your SO keeping these types of friends around? I know my heart and I know that if I was truly interested in these guys i would have pursued them by now. I enjoy their company, my SO has met the 3 that I've been propositioned by or been on a date with. No beef there. I don't keep around the men that I've been physically involved with, or dated for an extensive period of time...that, for me, is asking for trouble.

When I think about Platonic friendships, that song "We Can't Be Friends" by Debra Cox always plays in my head. Especially the part..."we can't be friends because i'm still in love with you..." If there is a chance that a man will evoke that type of emotion within me, we can't be friends.

 

[Kalani]

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Its happened a couple times in the past (years ago).

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? No, although I played with the idea on one or two occasions but felt overall it wasn't worth risking the friendship

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? One that I know of. It was one of my classmates whom I thought was just being friendly and we started hanging out. We end up becoming great friends. He later admitted he was initially interested in hooking up with me and somehow ended up on the friendship end . He said it was all good though as we had a really cool friendship and I was able to give him all sorts of insight and advice on women.

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? Nope. I'm single about 95% of the time

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? I have a male friend I dated initially. We were horrible together! Always fighting, and bringing out the worst in each other. It was a shame because in some ways we had alot in common as far as hanging out and having fun (we were both like big kids). I concluded that, as a couple we were a terrible idea, but could maybe work as just friends. So now we are just that, friends. Sometimes he still tries to flirt with the idea of us getting together. I then ask him if he is insane, lol, or has come down with a bout of selective amnesia. We live in different states now so its easier to keep him at arms length.
.

Is it healthy to keep these types of friend around if you are in a relationship and ummmm...what do you think of your SO keeping these types of friends around? I don't have a SO, but if I did I think I would be cool with him having a platonic female friend (only if she was an old friend from way back, not some new chick he met). I think its fine overall as long as there is no hidden attraction on either end, otherwise there could be problems. Most of my guy friends I have had no romantic attraction whatsoever so there was no threat.

 

[gone_fishing]

This is an email my SO received from his "friend" which inspired my post here. Now before you go accusing me of being nosey...well...I am...
But, I had permission to be. He told me I can check his email whenever and he has access to mine. I just think with all the emails in his INBOX that he forgot about this one which I just stumbled upon. I know that he still keeps in contact with her and they are still "just" friends. But since last year he hasn't mentioned her one time. Today I asked him if they still talk and he said yeah, they talk pretty frequently - she's still his "bud". That has my spidey sense all in a bunch.

He says and I quote, "what difference does it make how she feels as long as I know what I want?"

Ok, is there a point there? Cause I KIND OF get that but I KIND OF don't. erplexed

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE THIS BECAUSE I MAY NEED TO DELETE IT ONE DAY. Oh and if you are a member here and you sent this email, well...sorry...didn't mean to put your business out there. You can PM me about it.

From: girl Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
To: guy
Subject: Hey R-man
Date: Sun, 4 Mar 2007 14:49:51 -0500
Hey R-man,

What's up? I can now officially say that I feel as though I have been stalking you! I've pretty much been on the look out for you, hoping to catch you online so that I could walk with you through the wal-mart website and give you the mailing address and money for the item I am looking to purchase for my friend.

Since you haven't made the effort to contact me or return my offline messages, I assume that you are either extremely busy preparing for your trip and/or the big move or you've simply been avoiding me on msn for various reasons (although I'm not quite sure why you'd feel the need to do so), since your yahoo messenger seems to be functioning quite well. Anyway, if you're still around and you have 5 minutes of your time to spare, I would greatly appreciate it. Here is the information I said I would send if I had not seen you online:

The item is on www.wal-mart.com

And the links are as such:

BABY > GEAR > on the left-hand side of the screen, click on BOUNCERS & JUMPERS > in the grey box under the heading "narrow your results by:" Click PATTERN and select RAINFOREST > FISHER-PRICE RAINFOREST BOUNCER ($39.95)
The total should come to $51 + change. My friend's shipping address is:

You can send me your paypal email address so that I can transfer the funds back to you in US Dollars and the receipt info so that I can send along the tracking number and shipping info to her. If you are unable to do this, please let me know so that I can try asking someone else.
Hey R-man, somewhat off topic, I realize that you now have a girl-friend. I am not blind nor unaware of the facts. So if my being in contact with you as a friend is a problem, then please do me the courtesy of saying so. I am not trying to interfere or create any problems for you and the Mrs. Also, my apologies if I have come across as overly distant for the past few months. This was never my intention. The truth is that although I've been busy trying to make things happen for myself, I have also been busy trying to accept a lot of things. I realize that there is still a lot of hurt and confusion surrounding the events of my visitation and thereafter. I thought I had been able to make peace with the way things have played out, but every now and then there's that pang or that memory that randomly comes to mind and then I find myself once again, over analyzing and asking a lot of questions. I often wonder if I had said or done enough to convey to you how I felt and whether or not I tried hard enough. Did you truly feel or know that I loved you or did you and I simply give up and let our worst fears overcome us? Looking back, I don't regret sharing our thoughts, feelings and experiences, nor do I resent you. I understand more than anything else that we are human beings and that we are constantly evolving and growing and that nothing in life remains constant. I don't believe that it was ever your intensions to hurt me or to cause me to feel as though I was not worth fighting for but, the reality is that you have made me feel this way. And if I have hurt you in some way that I am unaware of , I apologize and hope you realize that this was not my intent. I really thought and felt that you were the guy that I would make that move for, exchange wedding vows with one day and create little miracles with. I really do believe that you are still that amazing guy that God had blessed me with the opportunity to meet. And for the record, I didn't need Eddie pointing that one out to me, lol. If anything, when I was at a low in my life and was beginning to give up on my dreams, you made me realize that someday, whether it be in the near or distant future, I do want to get married and start a family of my own (even if it may never be with you ) so thanks for that. If I were a machine, life would be much more simpler but unfortuately, I do not equipped with buttons and therefore I don't know how to shut off my feelings or erase the past. I'm simply trying to find a more plausible and appropriate way to go back to being friends again and to give myself time to overcome some old feelings. With all this said, I hope that you can be patient with me. And for the record and as your friend, if you ever find that person you truly love, tell them. Stop trying to feel your way around to love. Just do it! Let go of all your inhibitions and be receptive to love. You are loveable. You are worthy of being loved and are more than capable of loving if you would just let yourself. I really do want to see you happy and healthy. You deserve to be

Anyhow...I didn't mean to go off on this big spew. I just needed to get somemore things off of my plate. As you know, I'm a strong advocate of honesty and speaking what's on mind...lol. This is how I try to heal so that I can find peace and move forward with life. So if you need me to back off, just say so. There's no hard feelings
"And so I write numerically, from my heart to yours...143" ~ Musiq Soul child

With warmest regards,
Pea

 

[bLackButtaFly]

hmmmm... that's toughy. I mean how do you feel about tit is the real question? IF it's problem for you, as unfounded and weird it may be imo it's your partner's job to respect those feelings and for the two of you to develop a means for you to feel comfortable again.

She did seem like she didn't want to ruin aynthing that the two of you share, but I would be alittle concerned to that she still felt the need to say those things to him. I would wonder whether it was just to clear the air or if it was an attempt to open the door to start something. Is it closure or something else? But that's just me... and I'm not a relationship expert, but that would be what my thought process would be. SO i guess what I'm trying to say is if you're feeling suspicous and want some dialogue about that relationship IMO your feelings are completely founded and understandable.

 

[cocoberry10]

I would like to think that most of my male platonic friends are just that, platonic. However, there are a few that I suspect actually like me as more than a friend. But they’ve never gone there. I think they are afraid I would say no—and in some instances they are right! Two are guys that I once dated, but the others are strictly friends—I think

 

[MissScarlett]

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Yes, all of them

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? AT some point

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? One or two

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? Yeppers

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? Nope


I currently DO NOT have any guy/platonic relationships with the opposite sex and I now do not believe that men and women can truly 'just be friends'. I have had all of the above scenarios and swore to myself that they were just friends and ultimately I knew it was a lie.

I often wonder if women, we keep those guys we say are 'just friends' around 'just in case' You know 'just in case' I need a BF or just in case I need a sex buddy, just in case I"m getting a divorce or whatever. Also, we sometimes keep the person around b/c a relationship didnt' work out, so we 'keep up' with what's goin on in their life, etc so perhaps we can ease in there when either side thinks the timing might be better.

I also believe that if you have dated and/or been intimate with ANY man previous to your relationship with your SO/DH, he should not be put on a friends list period. I think we trick ourselves into thinking that we are truly just frinds.

I have had guy friends that I swore to myself were just friends that we loosely flirted or whatever and even one guy friend who was really an ex...and that didn't turn out well at all

I think at some point, one side or the both at different times have probably had some type of feelings. Now whether the person has expressed or acted on them, well that's another thing. Just b/c YOU don't feel that way doesn't mean the other dosen't.

 

[PinkPeony]

Right know I don't have any close guy friends but I always had guy friends.
Till puberty hit me I only hung out with boys,I just got along easier with them

 

[Finesse]

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Yes, all of them

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? AT some point

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? One or two

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? Yeppers

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? Nope


I currently DO NOT have any guy/platonic relationships with the opposite sex and I now do not believe that men and women can truly 'just be friends'. I have had all of the above scenarios and swore to myself that they were just friends and ultimately I knew it was a lie.

I often wonder if women, we keep those guys we say are 'just friends' around 'just in case' You know 'just in case' I need a BF or just in case I need a sex buddy, just in case I"m getting a divorce or whatever. Also, we sometimes keep the person around b/c a relationship didnt' work out, so we 'keep up' with what's goin on in their life, etc so perhaps we can ease in there when either side thinks the timing might be better.

I also believe that if you have dated and/or been intimate with ANY man previous to your relationship with your SO/DH, he should not be put on a friends list period. I think we trick ourselves into thinking that we are truly just frinds.

I have had guy friends that I swore to myself were just friends that we loosely flirted or whatever and even one guy friend who was really an ex...and that didn't turn out well at all

I think at some point, one side or the both at different times have probably had some type of feelings. Now whether the person has expressed or acted on them, well that's another thing. Just b/c YOU don't feel that way doesn't mean the other dosen't.

^^^^ I am glad to know that I am not the only one that thinks that men and women can't truly just be friends..esp if they have been intimate or romatically involved in some way. It may sound old fashioned or untrusting....but it is the way I feel. I could run to one of my male "friends " right this second and the first thing outta his mouth would be 'Are u still married?" They respect the fact I am married... so no outright come ons, but they have let be known that hubby betta not be caught slippin!

 

[Ms Red]

Wow at:

"And so I write numerically, from my heart to yours...143" ~ Musiq Soul child

143= I love you

This is like an Aaliyah 4-page love letter. She is directly asking to be back in his life again. I would not like it.

To answer your questions:

********************

Have they ever tried to be with me on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so? Yes.

Have I ever tried to be with them on a romantic level or expressed an interest in doing so?In the past, yes.

Are any of my guy friends love interests who lost interest (either me or them) and we became friend by default? No.

Are any of my guy friends people who state or imply that they would be open to pursuing a relationship with me if MY relationship failed? YES. All of them.

Are there any male friends who do not fit into one of the categories above? No

Adequate, I do not believe that men and women can just be friends. I haven't experienced it like "When Harry Met Sally."

I have written about my experience before... but I had one male platonic friend. He and I met when we were 14, went on a couple of innocent dates and kept in touch through letters, phone calls, texts, IMs, pictures, you name it. We are in our 20s now. I assumed that b/c we were always platonic that we could remain friends but his jealousy of my relationships were evident. Every woman he dated/dates, he compares to me. He still e-mails every now and then. I had to stop all contact.

At some point, feelings become involved on either (or both) sides and it never bodes well for your current relationship.

 

[cocoberry10]

I now do not believe that men and women can truly 'just be friends'. I have had all of the above scenarios and swore to myself that they were just friends and ultimately I knew it was a lie.

I think at some point, one side or the both at different times have probably had some type of feelings. Now whether the person has expressed or acted on them, well that's another thing. Just b/c YOU don't feel that way doesn't mean the other dosen't.

I am taking a lesson from your bolded. Ooooh, I've been in denial that my guy friends "liked" me, but now I'm realizing it's otherwise!

 

[gone_fishing]

Even if she hadn't said 143...it's obvious she loves him. I mean c'mon - marriage babies - without the 143 that's still love.

Meanwhile he maintains that they were friends before WE met and that he picked ME over her and so why am I trippin.

The answer to that is - I don't know. erplexed

But I don't like it.

 

[MissScarlett]

I am taking a lesson from your bolded. Ooooh, I've been in denial that my guy friends "liked" me, but now I'm realizing it's otherwise!

I fell into a manipulative trap with an ex-bf that on my end I didn't 'thnk' I had feelings for.

So he became the good friend, you know the one you say "well let me get your opinion cause you're a guy" WRONG. He also let it be known subtly that I was 'the one that got away' of course we all want to hear that. Basically He played upon 'just being' a friend and next thing I know, I'm in an almost affair

yes, take a lesson. It almost cost me my dear hubby and my family

 

[Kalani]

This is like an Aaliyah 4-page love letter. She is directly asking to be back in his life again. I would not like it.

This is what I think too!

 

[gymfreak336]

All of my closest friends are guys. Some are childhood friends but many are guys that I met through other friends. Only 2-3 of them have ever expressed interest but they have never acted on it. I am in a relationship now but I am not going to front. One of my closest friends is a guy that I have some sexual tension with. We are extremly close though. I tell him everything and he has always looked out for me. When me and my ex broke up, he took me away for the weekend and I have a key to his house. He has always looked out for me without asking for anything in return. I joke around with them telling them that they have saved my life but it is true. I have been in some situations that they have had to come rescue me out of. We go on trips together and they have looked out for me like I was their little sister. I really like their company and I am glad to know quality men. I have recently seen one of them get married and when he was first hooking up with the girl, he told me many times that I helped make him better at relationships. I feel like I understand guys alot better from my friendships and alot of stuff now that they do makes better sense.