Are you too Butch in your relationship?

[longhairlover]

Maybe butch is too strong of a word like firecracker said but maybe domineering like radianhealth said.

This is a spinoff from my other thread of having to do everything in your relationship mainly like business things etc.

I am finding that since I grew up in a single family home with women I am very butch, I can build stuff, paint, work on the car and do all of the masculine things some would say, but i'm still hetero.

In my relationship i'm kind of the man and i think it's bad. I don't know how to stop being this way either and be more of a lady

Do any of you have this issue, where your too "tough" and "butch" as some may say?

If so does it cause issues in your relationship?

 

[Radianthealth]

LOL

I had to let me inner butch go too. I still like to fix things around the house because it is just fun, but some of the more masculine chores I leave to DH. I assembled most of the furniture in our home and I even installed a light fixture. These are things DH could have done but I told him that they were fun and I enjoyed doing them so he let me do it. I always got his help with lifting the heavy stuff though

I grew up with both parents in the household but my mom was really domineering so I guess some of that rubbed off on me.

It has not affected my relationship in a negative way because I don't make him feel like he is not needed. He knows his role as the man of the house even though I like to install light fixtures and assemble furniture.

 

[firecracker]

Hey I am a DIY sometimes too but I don't consider that butch. Thats too strong a word and not my character. In my best Shenanah voice "I'm a lady". LOL

 

[longhairlover]

lol at shenanah, i call my mom and aunt butch jokingly though, when we were getting married i was showing my mom flowers and stuff and she was like um hmmmmm not into the girly stuff that was annoying.

thinking about that i guess i see how my hubby feels about my tool belt ways.

Your right maybe not butch i don't know what to call it really,

i will try to girl up a bit more, we sometimes work on putting furniture and stuff together, i wish i were just more feminine i don't know how to though,

darn it Mother and grandmom r.i.p.

 

[longhairlover]

LOL

I had to let me inner butch go too.



yeah i'm gonna work on that above, start wearing dresses lol!!....ok maybe not that drastic.

 

[Vanity1]

I won't say I am butch,but I do like to get things done and out the way, I am a take charge type person and I just don't like to wait on things.

DH is more relaxed, he knows how to do manly things, but he waits for freakin ever, and this is how conflict can arise, but I choose to just ask him to do something once, and if he doesn't do it in what I consider a timely fashion, I do it myself or pay someone to do it, thereby resulting in him lookin like a sissy girl. Once I take this approach, he is more proactive.

 

[longhairlover]

hey vanity1,

so i guess when you have someone else do the job then he's like "why didn't you ask me?" lol!!!

that's a good approach without seeming annoyed or fussing with him

i'm taking all of ya'll comments to become less aggravated with certain things and to lighten up on the hubby because at the end of the day it could be worse.

 

[firecracker]

You could call yourself Ms Toolbelt chick or Ms DIY'er. LOL Now gimme dat pretty hairrrrr!

 

[Vanity1]

hey vanity1,

so i guess when you have someone else do the job then he's like "why didn't you ask me?" lol!!!

that's a good approach without seeming annoyed or fussing with him

i'm taking all of ya'll comments to become less aggravated with certain things and to lighten up on the hubby because at the end of the day it could be worse.

I am a newlywed, but DH has had this behavior in our 5 years of courtship, it just kind of got on my nerves more once we lived together after the wedding, but I guess that is part of it. I am learning how to relax and realize I knew he was like that prior to, and that I know he KNOWS how to do things, it is just a matter of him understanding that somethings are urgent, and also me understanding that not everything is urgent. I think he kind of balances me out a little bit, so it works out.

Two control freaks in a relationship isn't all that great I think.

And to add to that, with somethings I don't know about, he knows, so where I am weak he is strong and the other way around.

He was and is in a profession where he is accustomed to everyone doing everything for him so he really never had to do much except for what he was getting paid to do. Him being coddled has kind of set him back, but I am working on that.

In situations like this that aren't extreme, sometimes you just have to give them a little nudge, if they are generally a good man anyway.

 

[JustKiya]

I'm not girly, I like to fix stuff, put together furniture, paint, etc - and I most definitely do not consider myself in the least bit butch. DH likes to cook and cuddle and cries more than I do, but he doesn't consider himself the least bit femme, either - and neither do I. *shrug*

Personally, I think the concept of 'girl' things and 'boy' things is a pointless and outdated one, though, so that's where I'm coming from. If he doesn't like me doing the things that I do - guess what? He gets offa his tail, and does them first. He ain't blind - he can see that the light is out/the faucet is leaking/the chair is wobbly.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

no i am by no means butch in a relationship or otherwise i cant even change a light bulb lol ...ok i can but i never do i grew up with three men int eh house (my dad and two brothers) so they did the heavy lifting and all that stuff when im in a relationship i leave the guy to do that too or any man around to fix it

 

[hopeful]

I'm not butch but yeah I do too much stuff that I think a man should be doing. Growing up in a single parent home you just learn to do stuff. My mom was divorced when I was 7 or 8 so all I saw was a woman doing everything. Plus now that I'm married dh travels a lot and stuff seems to go wrong when he's out of town. Buttt I am so through with doing stuff I don't want to do. This weekend I handed dh a list, it said please pick up ac filters (I hate going to hardware stores!) and fix my tire, it keeps going flat. He did both and I felt so much happier. It's hard because I just automatically fix things or arrange to have things fixed. I am determined to let go of this habit. The thread about being spoiled really inspired me.

 

[DarkHair]

I won't say I am butch,but I do like to get things done and out the way, I am a take charge type person and I just don't like to wait on things.

DH is more relaxed, he knows how to do manly things, but he waits for freakin ever, and this is how conflict can arise, but I choose to just ask him to do something once, and if he doesn't do it in what I consider a timely fashion, I do it myself or pay someone to do it, thereby resulting in him lookin like a sissy girl. Once I take this approach, he is more proactive.

Vanity1, you know that you and I are so >>HERE<<. I used to be a tomboy, but I have progressed into a flower . The tomboy is still inside though. Since getting married, I've become very comfortable with the drill. I get this pain in my stomach when I've asked for something to get done WEEKS ago and it still isn't done. I do it myself. It really bothers me to see him walk by something and not do what he said he'd do. So, the next time ANYONE comes over and tells DH that 'item that is hung on the wall (curtains, pics)' looks good, I'll be quick to say 'l did that'. I am not a big fan of someone else taking credit for something that I've done.

 

[Halana Malie]

This is me all the way. I'm a DIY'er I don't wait around for anyone even when my ex was around to do anything for me. Having that attitude has motivated me to put large furniture like computer desks and huge wall units together. I also hook all electronics up, paint, and rearrange my furniture all by myself. I would luv to learn how to do my own oil changes but I'll hold out on that

A few years back I remember asking my ex to help me move an entertainment center instead of him lifting this fool pushed it and broke it. I was pissed for months.

Since then I do these things by myself. I guess I like things done a certain way so I do it myself.

 

[Vinyl]

Well I can put together computers but that's probably it... I don't think SO considers that a threat.

 

[Vanity1]

Vanity1, you know that you and I are so >>HERE<<. I used to be a tomboy, but I have progressed into a flower . The tomboy is still inside though. Since getting married, I've become very comfortable with the drill. I get this pain in my stomach when I've asked for something to get done WEEKS ago and it still isn't done. I do it myself. It really bothers me to see him walk by something and not do what he said he'd do. So, the next time ANYONE comes over and tells DH that 'item that is hung on the wall (curtains, pics)' looks good, I'll be quick to say 'l did that'. I am not a big fan of someone else taking credit for something that I've done.

Yess we are definately >><<
I do the exact same thing. But I am learning to kind of calm down and be nice about some things, even though it is hard. Most men do not have a sense of urgency unless it comes to something that is important to them. So either you learn how to deal with it in a way that favors you, or you just sit there and stay mad and upset about it while he is sitting there grinning in your face. I prefer the first one.

And yes, I can not stand when he acts like he has done something. They like to look good in front of everyone and make it seem like they really did something important.

 

[neenzmj]

There is nothing butch about having an ability to do what have been typically considered male-oriented tasks. If a man is confident in his manhood and a woman does not user her abilities as method of emasculating a man, I believe two people should be able to be in a relationship without those things becoming an issue.

You mentioned something in one of your posts about considering wearing dresses more. When you say you’re kind of the man in the relationship, I’m assuming you’re referring to being the more dominant personality. I’ve been married for 13 years. My husband and I are very laid back, but there was a time that I was the more domineering in the relationship. In short, I was trying to “run things.” I don’t know what your relationship is with God, but for me, He (God) revealed to me that I was out of order in trying to lead our family. In being out of order, I also caused a lot more stress in my life. After becoming sick of the stress and worn out from trying to step into my husband’s role, I began to step back and let him be the man. He didn’t always do things the way I wanted them done nor in the timeframe I wanted them done, but it was more important for me to be in order than to have things done my way. The more I stepped back, the more my husband stepped forward and became the husband and leader God called him to be in the first place. This wasn’t an overnight transition and there were plenty of days where I wanted to take over, but I resisted the urge as much as possible and it has paid off.

As far as being a lady in the physical sense: there a lots of ways you can do this and still retain a true sense of who you are. If dresses aren’t your thing, that’s fine. It’s not the dress that makes the woman. It’s all in how you carry yourself. But in terms of dress, you can be just a feminine and lady-like in a nice pair of slacks as you can in a dress. My husband finds a pair of slacks and a blouse just as sexy as a dress (it’s all in how you put it together and how you work it!)

 

[Butterfly08]

lol at shenanah, i call my mom and aunt butch jokingly though, when we were getting married i was showing my mom flowers and stuff and she was like um hmmmmm not into the girly stuff that was annoying.

thinking about that i guess i see how my hubby feels about my tool belt ways.

LOL @ toolbelt ways

I won't say I am butch,but I do like to get things done and out the way, I am a take charge type person and I just don't like to wait on things.

DH is more relaxed, he knows how to do manly things, but he waits for freakin ever, and this is how conflict can arise, but I choose to just ask him to do something once, and if he doesn't do it in what I consider a timely fashion, I do it myself or pay someone to do it, thereby resulting in him lookin like a sissy girl. Once I take this approach, he is more proactive.

My DH is the same way he just takes too long. I used to rake the leaves, paint bedrooms, help lay wood floors, etc. Now I have come to the conclusion that I will not do "man chores" any more, and if he won't, we pay to get them done! :wink2: It took 3 years for him to install a ceiling fan that he promised he'd do, and he never installed a closet system that he promised (I took it back to Lowe's still in the original boxes, 3 years later). So again instead of waiting and arguing, I just build installation into the cost of any new item I buy for the house. :wink2:

 

[sky_blu]

I wouldn't consider myself "butch" but like alot of women who posted before me I like to take control of things instead of waiting. Right now Im single but I tend to find myself taking charge and kinda of being the "man" in the relationship when I am in one or when Im dating. Sometimes you just have to let a man be a man and fallback but the problem is knowing when to do that. Ive been living on my own for quite some time now so I have no problem killing bugs, being a smalltime mechanic, and changing light bulb.s If I can't fix it then I take it to someone who cans. Im impatient and I hate waiting.

 

[betteron2day]

Well I am very take charge so much so that my DH calls me Big Chief Little Woman. I try not to emasculate him but I grew up seeing women do everything. then i became a single mother who had to do everything. Now when i try to "let" you be the man and do something you take too long so i do it myself. If i have to do everything then he is on a need to know basis and i don't need you for nothing but one thing. I know it is out of order spiritually but i am trying to do better.

 

[longhairlover]

wow you got to be a lady lol!!! i was always around women til now being married. i really wish there were some men around....that were handy.

no i am by no means butch in a relationship or otherwise i cant even change a light bulb lol ...ok i can but i never do i grew up with three men int eh house (my dad and two brothers) so they did the heavy lifting and all that stuff when im in a relationship i leave the guy to do that too or any man around to fix it

 

[longhairlover]

things always happen when husbands are not around, I hate that too. I am trying to lighten up a bit with things I do want to be more girly and less handy, doing handy work myself I have scratches on my hands and bruises it sucks.

so i'm trying to inspire my hubby to do more of the 'man' stuff around that house. I am very happy however that i have someone finally to help me carry the laundry bags and shopping bags. me and my mom struggled for so many years with furniture and all the heavy stuff.

I'm not butch but yeah I do too much stuff that I think a man should be doing. Growing up in a single parent home you just learn to do stuff. My mom was divorced when I was 7 or 8 so all I saw was a woman doing everything. Plus now that I'm married dh travels a lot and stuff seems to go wrong when he's out of town. Buttt I am so through with doing stuff I don't want to do. This weekend I handed dh a list, it said please pick up ac filters (I hate going to hardware stores!) and fix my tire, it keeps going flat. He did both and I felt so much happier. It's hard because I just automatically fix things or arrange to have things fixed. I am determined to let go of this habit. The thread about being spoiled really inspired me.