Are you needy in relationships?

[Glib Gurl]

I am finding myself being very needy in my relationship with Dutch Chocolate (Needy as in never wanting him to leave when a date ends, still wondering "when is he gonna call? why hasn't he called? finally he called!") He's not doing anything to make me feel insecure - he has been clear of his feelings for me.

I know that the root of my neediness is my own low self-esteem I have to remind myself that DC is an older man who has been single all of his life and (like me ) has been used to doing his own thing for a while.

So help me ladies. I have always been on my own - an independent woman Now that I have someone in my life I am afraid of being alone again

Besides continuing to work on my esteem issues how can I be less needy?

Thanks ladies. I appreciate it.

 

[Strangefruittree]

sounds like im being ice cold but.. get a hobby
do volunteer work, start a project. tap into something that you love that fulfils you in a different way... I like to cook, and Im starting to like to excercise. I found these things during a time where i felt needy and insecure and it has been a major blessing. so much so that i often find myself not having any time for the fellows, hmmm how about them apples

 

[hopeful]

I think we women should quit calling ourselves "needy" when we want more or feel a little vulnerable. It's okay to want and enjoy his company. You are smitten and in the beginning of a new romance. I think how you are feeling is normal. So long as you aren't stalking him or mad everytime he can't be with you, I think you're fine.

 

[Arcadian]

Actually, everything you're feeling is pretty normal in a relationship. As independent as I am, I would always wanting to be with my husband again after every date. I couldn't wait to see him again after every visit, I couldn't wait to talk to him again after every phone conversation. And for a while we were long distance (1200 miles!!!)

Yes he had me on lock! Apart of myself would try to pull back but he would reel me back in. Its the way romance is.


Also too, maybe its the loss of some of your independence which is making you question yourself.

When you are in a real relationship with someone who cares about you and you care about them, you DO lose some of that independence. I won't even lie, I struggled with that myself. But the reality is this; what little I gave up, I got 10fold in return.

When you're in a relationship, you do tend to lay apart of yourself open, and sounds to me that he has done that too... so needy no, wanting, yes!! Thats a good thing!! As long as you're not calling him every 30 seconds or stalking him like he's got a homing device embedded, you're good.

He's with you because he wants to be. If he's not giving you reason to doubt his intentions and if he's making it very clear where he is in this relationship with you, why would you want to look for trouble? If you go looking for it, you will find it, real or imagined.

If the doubt is big enough, be honest and talk about it. Talking things out is really the largest fabric that holds two people together in a relationship.


So don't over think it too much, enjoy the ride. This is a tiny bump in the grand scheme of things.


-A

 

[glam-]

I wholeheartedly concur with what Hopeful and Arcadian said. It's normal. And when I observed Dutch, I could tell he was totally into you No need for you to feel insecure at all.

 

[dinanicole]

^Well said

 

[dinanicole]

i mean the girl before the one above me (arcadian)

 

[MD_Lady]

I am finding myself being very needy in my relationship with Dutch Chocolate (Needy as in never wanting him to leave when a date ends, still wondering "when is he gonna call? why hasn't he called? finally he called!") He's not doing anything to make me feel insecure - he has been clear of his feelings for me.

I know that the root of my neediness is my own low self-esteem I have to remind myself that DC is an older man who has been single all of his life and (like me ) has been used to doing his own thing for a while.

So help me ladies. I have always been on my own - an independent woman Now that I have someone in my life I am afraid of being alone again

Besides continuing to work on my esteem issues how can I be less needy?

Thanks ladies. I appreciate it.

There's a fine line between acknowledging your own "neediness" and realizing that your SO might not be giving you the interaction you need. Since you've said that your own insecurities and low-self esteem are at the root of your feelings, I think you should constantly remind yourself of the bolded. There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your SO's company (looking forward to being with him, missing him when he's not around, etc...), but you shouldn't be afraid of being alone or start assuming the worst when you haven't heard back from him. You already know what you should do on a rational level, now you have to make yourself understand it on an emotional one.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Whew - I am glad that this is normal! :whew: I was like "What is wrong with me??? I was never *that* girl who needed to be around a man - I am losing my edge!"

No stalking going on . . . I still let him call me and sort of set the pace.

sounds like im being ice cold but.. get a hobby
do volunteer work, start a project. tap into something that you love that fulfils you in a different way... I like to cook, and Im starting to like to excercise. I found these things during a time where i felt needy and insecure and it has been a major blessing. so much so that i often find myself not having any time for the fellows, hmmm how about them apples

You know what though - not only do I have every kind of hobby (improv comedy, beading, dance and aerobics classes, chuch activities, etc.) I also work a 60 HOUR A WEEK JOB. So, I guess I am just sprung.

And when I observed Dutch, I could tell he was totally into you No need for you to feel insecure at all.

Really? What did ya notice?

 

[Bunny77]

I wholeheartedly concur with what Hopeful and Arcadian said. It's normal. And when I observed Dutch, I could tell he was totally into you No need for you to feel insecure at all.

Ooh, you met ole' Dutchie?

Whew - I am glad that this is normal! :whew: I was like "What is wrong with me??? I was never *that* girl who needed to be around a man - I am losing my edge!"

Me either... but what Arcadian, Hopeful, etc., said is so true. When you care about someone, you're supposed to want to be around him, miss him, etc.

You're still not "that" girl who needs to be around a man... you're that girl who needs to be around YOUR man!

You know what though - not only do I have every kind of hobby (improv comedy, beading, dance and aerobics classes, chuch activities, etc.) I also work a 60 HOUR A WEEK JOB. So, I guess I am just sprung.

And you know what? Speaking as an overscheduled chica as well, none of that stuff keeps one's mind off wanting to be with your partner if you've got a good one... or if you have no one but want someone, all that stuff doesn't prevent you from being lonely either.


The only thing I'd say to work on (and it took me about six months to get here) is getting over the worry that if he doesn't call immediately, that he's changed his mind about you. But I know... if you haven't often had success in relationships, it's easy to worry about these things!

Will be in touch later...

 

[anon123]

No, I'm not. At all. I guess I'm abnormal in that respect. Not since I had my first crush as a teenager have I ever found myself wanting to be around anyone all the time.

 

[MaryJane3000]

I am finding myself being very needy in my relationship with Dutch Chocolate (Needy as in never wanting him to leave when a date ends, still wondering "when is he gonna call? why hasn't he called? finally he called!") He's not doing anything to make me feel insecure - he has been clear of his feelings for me.

I know that the root of my neediness is my own low self-esteem I have to remind myself that DC is an older man who has been single all of his life and (like me ) has been used to doing his own thing for a while.

So help me ladies. I have always been on my own - an independent woman Now that I have someone in my life I am afraid of being alone again

Besides continuing to work on my esteem issues how can I be less needy?

Thanks ladies. I appreciate it.

I know I'm only 21 but I think I can put some input in thats different then the other ladies. I talk about my bf a lot on here and I've really only highlighted the negative points in our relationship, but I do think that being with him has made me mature in some ways.

I used to be the type of girl that needed approval from the guy I was with. Seriously, I didn't really feel beautiful until he said I was. And it got to a point with him where I felt like he should be telling me how much he cared for me and admired me just about every day. I would do that to him and he'd be like uhhh are you bored or something and it frustrated me.

I think that my transitioning into the real world and setting out my life plans kinda made me wake up. I don't need to have his constant approval to feel beautiful or wanted or capable. I'm very successful in my own right and I did that outside of him, so whether he gives me all of the praise I think I should get for that really isn't that important because he has nothing to do with it.

I could go on but I think that maybe if you just focus on how great you are and all of the things you have going for you that instead of you looking at it like damn why doesn't he want to spend more time with me....you'll look at it like damn, sucks for him that we can't hang out a little longer. Because why wouldn't he want to spend x amount much time with you (a reasonable amount of time)? You're great, you're powerful, you have control over your life and that's something a lot of people all over the world can't say.

 

[hopeful]

And guess what else? If he really is the one you might be like me and 20+ years later can't wait for him to get back home when he's been out of town on business. I do not want to be with him all the time, but I still love his company, our date nights, and he still makes my heart flutter .

 

[Theo]

I am not needy, I just like a lot of attention.

 

[YankeeCandle]

No, I'm not. At all. I guess I'm abnormal in that respect. Not since I had my first crush as a teenager have I ever found myself wanting to be around anyone all the time.

Girl, this was me all my life.

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I lose interest in a man sometimes within the middle of a date and get tired of him already before he's even had a chance to do anything I don't like.

And the same goes for female and male friends, too--no matter how much I enjoy their company, enough is enough after a few hours (or days with my oldest female friend) and I begin to look for ways to get out of it so I can be alone...blessedly alone. Ahhhhhhh! I'm actually quite gregarious and my personality seems to attract lots of people, but I find that things people do or say begin to grate on me far too soon.

I remember this one boy back in high school got a hankering for me. Mind you, he was my only admirer in high school since usually older men/pervs stepped to me. erplexed We went on a school field trip to Disney and he kept cozying up (figuratively speaking) to me during the whole trip. He was a clever, non-vapid guy whose personality I liked in general, but I started becoming tired of him and eventually---I am ashamed to admit it--abandoned him near one of the rides without telling him of my intentions and went off on my own for the remaining few hours. look: If I ever do a 12-step, he's first on my list of getting an apology.

But with my SO, after I got to know him, he was the only man or woman I've ever met whose company continues to grow on me...almost 7 years in. When I hear his ringtone, I am like a trained toddler; I get up from what I'm doing and go investigate what he has to say. I can spend all day for several days in a row with him, doing nothing except flip through channels or cook dinner, and I am enjoying myself the whole way through.

He is also the only man I have ever gone out on more than 3 dates with. I have never gotten past the third date with any other man. That's when I stop accepting their phone calls.

 

[hopeful]

^^^Cute story. I too tire of people very easily, male & female. I think the right guy will keep you interested.

 

[metro_qt]

I'm not needy at all.
I also have a million jobs and hobbies.. but.. I just like to know that i'm thought of.

It's always great to know your own needs and wants within the context of a relationship.

 

[Ms Red]

I know how you feel. A couple of weekends ago, as we were saying our goodbyes (we're about 2 hrs. apart), I felt so down The whole drive home I kept thinking 'wow, usually I crave me time and here I am missing him already.' Butterflies and all. Kind of shocked me... Ahhh love

 

[ambergirl]

Well Glib, I guess I'll join the minority and say that I think you're right and that you need to occupy your mind with things other than Dutch. What you are feeling is very normal and I know that most women myself included start thinking and feeling the same as you when we meet someone we really like. But I think spending too much time thinking and/or fantasizing about him is not necessarily a good thing.

I tend to think all of those thoughts you're thinking will manifest themselves in some way...either actual behaviors or just a vibe you're sending off and trust, people pick that up. Sounds like you have a full life so personally, I would try as much as possible to discipline my mind and focus on other things to the extent possible.