Are you in love with the idea of being "in love?"

[isawstars]

I definitely am... I am 24 and I want to "grow out of it." Is that even possible? I recently came to this conclusion after reevaluating my previous relationships and reading Why Men Love *****es. I miss so many red flags because I view the relationship as this wonderful, perfect, lovey dovey connection... when it really isn't.

In example, I reread some old text conversations my ex and I had... And now that we've been broken up for 2 months, I saw our conversations as what it really was! I was WAY more into him than he was into me... and I was going out of my way for him... There were many instances that rubbed me the wrong way or were just inconsiderate of him, but I never noticed it then!

I do this ALL THE TIME. I fall head over heels for a guy and think he is the one almost every single time. I'm tired of wearing rose colored glasses. Do you ladies have any tips or experiences you can share? Is this just my personality or is it something I can grow out of?

 

[Katherina]

Now that you're aware, you're more than halfway there, so don't forget to congratulate yourself for that.

Falling in love feels good in the moment but it often decreases your ability to objectively vet potential suitors. It's like a drug that inhibits discernment... And discernment is crucial in dating.

I don't have much specific advice besides that it sounds like you're on the right path to a better relationship in the future

 

[C@ssandr@]

Now that you're aware, you're more than halfway there, so don't forget to congratulate yourself for that.

Falling in love feels good in the moment but it often decreases your ability to objectively vet potential suitors. It's like a drug that inhibits discernment... And discernment is crucial in dating.

I don't have much specific advice besides that it sounds like you're on the right path to a better relationship in the future

Agreed! you can feel whatever you want, but how you go about things should be with a clear mind. At this point I know i'm a "lover", i'm extra sweet, affectionate and all of the syrupy stuff BUT, I also know that if I want things to go well, any man will still have to do 75% of the work...even my male friends...they serve as practice

 

[-PYT]

I believe I am. I know I need to be single right now in order to re-evaluate my life after my last relationship. I look forward to it. I see images of couples on TV, who I see in public, or movies, but have no idea what work it really takes. I'm not ready. I admit it.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I do this ALL THE TIME. I fall head over heels for a guy and think he is the one almost every single time. I'm tired of wearing rose colored glasses. Do you ladies have any tips or experiences you can share? Is this just my personality or is it something I can grow out of?

To answer your question, you just have to make a conscious choice to play by the "rules". It's just not wise to put yourself out there to everyone you think you're in love with anyway . It's a matter of reciprocation all while letting the guy "lead". I don't have any book recommendations but I know that actually being in the dating world helps alot. Actually dating has helped me get to know myself as well.

 

[isawstars]

I believe I am. I know I need to be single right now in order to re-evaluate my life after my last relationship.

-PYT

I am in the same position. I want to be single and mingle for a while... Especially since I am moving across the country for grad school. After realizing this about myself... I'm actually afraid to be in another relationship. Casually dating is fine because I've never had a problem with it... besides it's simply fun.

 

[isawstars]

Thanks for your responses ladies!

I guess I will just focus on putting myself first. I hate to think that I might have to keep my guard up from this happening again... but maybe that's what I need to do? It's hard to listen to my brain over my heart.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Thanks for your responses ladies!

I guess I will just focus on putting myself first. I hate to think that I might have to keep my guard up from this happening again... but maybe that's what I need to do? It's hard to listen to my brain over my heart.

When you become secure with yourself and who you are, these concepts will feel natural

It's not a game or punishment to put yourself first. In fact it's not even selfish....Also, keeping your guard up is a matter of setting and enforcing boundaries with men. These things are vital for quality relationships.

I'm still learning too.

 

[mallysmommy]

omg that is so me all the way! are you a libra too? ive wasted soo much time on the wrong dudes because i was more infatuated with the idea of love and passion that i missed the fact that the guy was all wrong for me or did not share the same feelings as i. and it never faile never that i didnt realize the problem until after we broke up (he dumps me) smh.

i am at the point where i am not even interested in men. i see them coming and i go in the other direction because i know how i am. i do not trust myself nor my feelings because they are blinded by my idealistic mentality.

 

[isawstars]

omg that is so me all the way! are you a libra too? ive wasted soo much time on the wrong dudes because i was more infatuated with the idea of love and passion that i missed the fact that the guy was all wrong for me or did not share the same feelings as i. and it never faile never that i didnt realize the problem until after we broke up (he dumps me) smh.

i am at the point where i am not even interested in men. i see them coming and i go in the other direction because i know how i am. i do not trust myself nor my feelings because they are blinded by my idealistic mentality.

No, I am a virgo. I am soooo glad I am not alone! I am going to try to avoid relationships as well. I noticed the other day that I like the attention I get from men, so maybe I will just casually date. I have always romanticized relationships... even crushes! So I don't know if casually dating is a good idea either... Sigh.

 

[C@ssandr@]

No, I am a virgo. I am soooo glad I am not alone! I am going to try to avoid relationships as well. I noticed the other day that I like the attention I get from men, so maybe I will just casually date. I have always romanticized relationships... even crushes! So I don't know if casually dating is a good idea either... Sigh.

I encourage you to continue dating. Your mentality is not an infectious disease, there's no need to avoid men altogether, lol. Dating teaches us how to interact with one another. We also learn about each other, and most importantly ourselves! Say you date 3 different dudes, and there's something you do or say that gets an unfavorable reaction...that's how you learn. Of course we turn to our gf's to prevent date blunders, but we learn from experience. I don't mean to make dating sound technical, but there ARE guidelines. Go out and have fun being YOU

 

[LoveBeautyKisses]

I feel the same way. It feels like Damn when will i finally have someone? I feel like i was settling just to say i had someone.

 

[alwaysinchrist]

Being in love is wonderful but understanding what it takes is another story. Im divorced now so my thought process is a lil different from my other gfs. Im not seeking a relationship or thinking about marriage. However, i am open to casually dating bc it is healthy to mingle and meet new people.

 

[kweenameena]

I have to reel myself in sometimes because I know that I can be in love with love. And the next thing you know, I'm romanticizing some dude's flaws and justifying staying with him. UGH!!!

 

[Smiley79]

Yes i admit that I am that way. It's too draining to explain or justify but I know I am but I do recognize the caution that goes along with feeling that way. Especially since I have been single for so long now, the risk of jumping into the first thing that spells love could be tempting but I have to be realistic and careful as well.

 

[dannie]

I use to be the same, and yes WMLB opened my eyes to alot of things I was doing wrong in my early dating years.

The biggest thing I've learned is to be selfish. If a guy makes me feel uncomfortable, confused, insecure, second place, used, etc ...he needs to go. Basically within the first few months of dating if he brings any type of drama or pain in my life, he is not the one.

Doesnt matter how good he looks, where he works, where he went to school, etc...if he does any thing I mentioned in the prior sentences.... He has to Go!

This is huge IMO, because women often IGNORE THEIR INSTINCTS. Like you said OP, looking back with your ex, you already felt a way about things he did but ignored it. Dont second guess or excuse away what you feel , but recognize it for either good or bad and act accordingly.


For me personally that has cut out alot of the fantasy and the "rose colored glasses view". I just look at the reality, not what it could be, might be, should be...but what it is. Guys who are worth anything will always match their actions with their words and make you feel safe and secure with them.

When I dropped the doormat, "in love with the fantasy" mentality I just could no longer deal with the bs. Infact when a man tries to play with my emotions it actually angers me more than it makes me sad and upset like it use to.

Also, I've been dating almost 10 years. I am finding I recognize bs quicker. Example, I went out with a guy who was constantly complaining and saying negative ish a few weeks ago. Now, on paper he looks good, but I dated a guy like him in 2008 when I was 23. Back then I would try to overlook that aspect of his personality because he had a good job, good looking, stable etc...I would think..."how long will it take to find another black man with all these qualities" and stuck around far too long because he "treated me nice at least". Yeah right! it was fine and dandy until he got comfortable and tried to direct his negative attitude and criticism towards me. I should have seen it coming

But now at 27 I know new guy must be personally unhappy on some level to be so negative all the time, so how will he ever be happy with me, if he's not happy with him? Scratched his name of the list after 2 dates. Been there, done that.

So I would say keep dating OP. You will find out so much more about yourself, what you want, and who you are. Practice being assertive and letting guys chase you. Dating is really a game until you find the right person, so now that you know more of the rules it will be easier to play.

 

[firecracker]

Some people are just wired that way. That goes for men and women. I don't think its a bad thing. You just have to learn to pace yourself in relationships especially in the first few months to a year.

 

[tlbaby23]

Yup sounds like me. Atleast I know now that I'm not crazy or alone for feeling this way too. It's so hard because at the end of the day regardless of what someone says we all want to find love. But putting up with bs or settling for less than you deserve isn't love, it's just convenient. I need to start makin better decisions!

Every guy I might I automatically start going through my mental checklist to see if he's "the one" and especially when I meet someone that I am very interested in and it doesn't work it it crushes me. Someone that i just met and knew for only a few weeks shouldn't have that affect on me. That's how I know I have an unhealthy mindset when it comes to relationships.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Love what you shared dannie...

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

My friends and family tell me I should loosen up when it comes to relationships. Which is weird because I consider myself a hopeless romantic. I'm such a walking contradiction.erplexed Anyways no I don't think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. It's really hard for me to let my guard down and allow myself to feel something for someone. It's easier for me to see the negative, instead of the positive in someone.