Are You A Good Listener?

[hopeful]

I was thinking about how many of us listen well primarily to words but ignore or miss what someone is really saying or showing us. The next time you are hurt by someone who "said" they liked you or wanted to get to know you better, think back on all of the other ways they communicated with you how they really felt about you. Little follow up, too busy, hot and heavy too soon, not seeming to be really interested in you or your life, everything on their terms, etc. All of these things are communicating that they are not interested, are selfish, don't want anything serious, etc. And when we ignore this communication and pursue them, we are communicating I am lonely, I am desperate, I don't value myself, you are more important than me etc.

 

[Browndilocks]

I remember I got into an argument with this guy who wanted me around as a GF but never wanted to commit. I should have listened to his behavior. He would throw tantrums whenever I tried to "break up" with him. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he accused me of being selfish because of wanting a commitment. My 20's I tell ya...

 

[hopeful]

Great example @Browndilocks. Thanks for sharing. Getting mixed signals is very frustrating. He was simultaneously saying I want YOU to be my girlfriend:


And I refuse to commit:



Really? Glad you got away from him. I think that is what is so confusing for women. It's why we have to focus on the bad (the deal breaker) and ignore what appears to be good. The good doesn't matter if the deal breaker is present. Years ago I learned to figure out problems by doing a pros and cons list. Doing that was very helpful in many cases but with relationships it can sometimes be dangerous and keep us stuck.

 

[PeaceLover]

You know...I claim to be a good listener, but I believe people (even when they mess up) because I want them to be good.

 

[claudzie]

I had something end last year and as I started to recall past conversations, I realised that his intentions where very obvious. Sadly, when I like someone it as though I just fail to see things clearly. Well, I am more aware of myself

 

[summertimewine]

I am a much better listener, because I listen to myself much more. I always have a feeling, even if I cannot place it at that exact moment, I take time to sit down and write about what might make me feel that way.

When my first long term boy friend cheated on me I swallowed all my feelings and forcibly ignored them. When I was finally alone and able to collect all my thoughts I was ! "Why do I want to be unhappy?" Was my ultimate question.

Ever since then I decided on my happiness. Listening to romantic interests was easy. After anything always asking "Does this situation make me happy? Is what he saying adding to my happiness?"

Keeps it simple in my mind

 

[hopeful]

Thank you @frogkisses. All about trusting and listening to our own instincts. Excellent point.

 

[acapnleo]

I'm reading a book and @hopeful I also like your insight which triggered me to open this thread... Nevermind.