Are You A Care-taking, Loving And Affectionate Wife?

[ChasingBliss]

I am not that woman who fawns over a man, cleaning up behind him, making sure his every need is met. I'm not even close. I try to do for you what I do for myself. And I care about your well-being.

I'm kind caring and affectionate only to a degree, but I treat you like the adult that you are. I admit, I can be pretty selfish at times and have to remind myself that I am married. (Not meaning that I go out there and act unmarried). I'm talking about some basic things. I recently had a financial issue that caused me to go without something I needed. I spent two months working on taking care of that on my own. When dh found out, he was so upset. He kept saying "You have a husband! Why do you insist on solving problems by yourself when you don't have to".. I get this behavior honestly and sometimes it causes a problem. My mom instilled into me to be independent, solve your own problems....That coupled with the lack I previously discussed equals disaster.

I am an only child and I did not exactly get a good example of what a wife is supposed to be. Sometimes I think I am doomed some times I think I am just fine. I know one thing....if things go left. I AM NEEEEEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!

Can I unlearn this? Or is it too late for me. Stuff to ponder for 2018.

 

[guyaneseyankee]

I am a care-taking, loving and affectionate wife.
I've only been married for two years. I played with submission. (Not BSDM) and feminine and masculine roles....I'm dropping it. It's not working out for me.
I find myself comparing my husband to my father (the best of the best) and it's hurting me. Soooo I'm dropping the unrealistic expectations of a man who doesn't know how to or is not driven to be my provider and protector.
I am understanding that he DOES love me and does the best he can; but I'm pouting about it TBH
I'm reclaiming my fabulousness. He better watch out, 2018 is gonna be lit

And I have F-U money

 

[ChasingBliss]

I am a care-taking, loving and affectionate wife.
I've only been married for two years. I played with submission. (Not BSDM) and feminine and masculine roles....I'm dropping it. It's not working out for me.
I find myself comparing my husband to my father (the best of the best) and it's hurting me. Soooo I'm dropping the unrealistic expectations of a man who doesn't know how to or is not driven to be my provider and protector.
I am understanding that he DOES love me and does the best he can; but I'm pouting about it TBH
I'm reclaiming my fabulousness. He better watch out, 2018 is gonna be lit

And I have F-U money

I'm thinking that two people definitely have to compliment each other. I often wonder if I would be any different with another man.

My dh is a provider, a doer and a problem solver. Crying over spilled milk is not an option for him. You figure it out and fix it. He wont coddle or console with you with emotions and hugs... his affection is shown through the things he does. I have picked up many of his ways and what seems to be the result is two hard edged human beings who are forgetting that there is a softer side to loving one another. The thing that is his saving grace is his strong provider skills. I'm beginning to think I have none.

We have gotten over a HUUUGE barrier a few years ago. Now it seems I've created another. smh

 

[JFemme]

Marking my spot ...lol

I shall return

 

[Mai Tai]

I am very loving and caring towards my husband but not in a coddling type of way. I work to be a blessing to that man in every way possible but not to the point of reducing him to a childlike state or in a way that neglects my wants, desires or need for self-care/love if that makes sense. Basically, my husband knows he has a good loving woman in me but I'm no mule.

Speaking from experience I can understand why your husband got upset, but I can also understand your independent nature. I was raised with a very healthy example with my parents going on 37 years of marriage but they both raised us girls to be fiercely independent. With that said, I had to learn how to let my husband in to assist me even when I felt fully equipped to handle things on my own. By not bringing him in on your problem, you sent a clear message to him that you don't need him and for a good dude, that's a HUGE slap in the face. Men view that kind of stuff as clear disrespect.

Take baby steps. Next time you find yourself working through a problem alone, even if it's a tiny tiny issue, talk to your husband about it and ask for his advice (even if you don't need it). If he is truly the type of man you described, he will come through with a solution complete with charts, graphs, spreadsheets, and Google search results! Although you know how to fix the problem tell him "You know what? I'm so glad I asked you. I'm going to take your advice and yada...yada...yada..." and I promise you, the more you do this, the more he will be eager to come to your rescue.

You mentioned him being a little hard and as a woman, make it your goal to soften him up a bit. Women have a great ability to show men that their comfort is needed but it does take time and effort. Men are used to being hard but don't change yourself to meet him at that level instead, bring him to your level.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I am very loving and caring towards my husband but not in a coddling type of way. I work to be a blessing to that man in every way possible but not to the point of reducing him to a childlike state or in a way that neglects my wants, desires or need for self-care/love if that makes sense. Basically, my husband knows he has a good loving woman in me but I'm no mule.

Speaking from experience I can understand why your husband got upset, but I can also understand your independent nature. I was raised with a very healthy example with my parents going on 37 years of marriage but they both raised us girls to be fiercely independent. With that said, I had to learn how to let my husband in to assist me even when I felt fully equipped to handle things on my own. By not bringing him in on your problem, you sent a clear message to him that you don't need him and for a good dude, that's a HUGE slap in the face. Men view that kind of stuff as clear disrespect.

Take baby steps. Next time you find yourself working through a problem alone, even if it's a tiny tiny issue, talk to your husband about it and ask for his advice (even if you don't need it). If he is truly the type of man you described, he will come through with a solution complete with charts, graphs, spreadsheets, and Google search results! Although you know how to fix the problem tell him "You know what? I'm so glad I asked you. I'm going to take your advice and yada...yada...yada..." and I promise you, the more you do this, the more he will be eager to come to your rescue.

You mentioned him being a little hard and as a woman, make it your goal to soften him up a bit. Women have a great ability to show men that their comfort is needed but it does take time and effort. Men are used to being hard but don't change yourself to meet him at that level instead, bring him to your level.

Thank you. Your advice is very much appreciated and Everything I needed to here. I am working on it but most times I just want to give up.

 

[JFemme]

Thank you Mai Tai for sharing. Really enjoyed reading your post.

Long day, so I will save my story for another day

Suffice to say, consigning that if marriage goes left - it's gonna be a No for me Dawg..

 

[IslandMummy]

No.

 

[Miss617]

No.

Ditto.

 

[kxlot79]

In the right marriage, YES.

 

[natural in ATL]

I'm thinking that two people definitely have to compliment each other. I often wonder if I would be any different with another man.

My dh is a provider, a doer and a problem solver. Crying over spilled milk is not an option for him. You figure it out and fix it. He wont coddle or console with you with emotions and hugs... his affection is shown through the things he does. I have picked up many of his ways and what seems to be the result is two hard edged human beings who are forgetting that there is a softer side to loving one another. The thing that is his saving grace is his strong provider skills. I'm beginning to think I have none.

We have gotten over a HUUUGE barrier a few years ago. Now it seems I've created another. smh

Thanks for sharing. I see a lot of myself/my marriage in this post...thanks to @Mai Tai as well for weighing in with advice. I’m sure you’re helping more women than you know!

 

[007PMP]

I’ve learned that (for me) it depends on the partner. I tend to mirror his or her behavior towards me.

With my ex I was care-taking, but not affectionate and loving. I divorced him.

With my current boyfriend, I’m care-taking (with boundaries and the capacity to hold him accountable), affectionate (to include sensual), and loving. He’s very care-taking, responsive to my affection, and extremely loving. He’s also a beta male and I’m an alpha female but he takes control in the bedroom and in public whereas I’m more submissive (but influential—he says I’ve turned him out ).

For me this has been the best relationship I’ve been in so I don’t have any issues with being agile to his needs/wants.

ETA: OP I am my mother’s only child as well so I totally can relate to how you feel.

 

[Ganjababy]

No.

 

[hopeful]

It’s hard to open up and share problems with someone who doesn’t provide comfort. It sounds like you didn’t need or want his help or problem solving and since that is what he offers what would be the point? So I guess I’m thinking that if you had said hey I got a problem that I’m trying to resolve on my own but I just wanted to let you know, what would have been his response?

 

[007PMP]

This right here would be a happy compromise. Good men want to help and provide. Period.

Although intentions are good, we women can sometimes we can stifle a mans ability to provide and “fix” situations by doing it ourselves or not informing them of our need/issue.

So I agree that if a woman doesn’t want any help, the least that should be done is communicate to her partner what the issue is and that she wishes to try to resolve it first (ego stroke: and if “I can’t get any resolve then I would love for you to step in and help me).

*based on the lessons I’ve learned from relationships

It’s hard to open up and share problems with someone who doesn’t provide comfort. It sounds like you didn’t need or want his help or problem solving and since that is what he offers what would be the point? So I guess I’m thinking that if you had said hey I got a problem that I’m trying to resolve on my own but I just wanted to let you know, what would have been his response?

right

 

[ChasingBliss]

It’s hard to open up and share problems with someone who doesn’t provide comfort. It sounds like you didn’t need or want his help or problem solving and since that is what he offers what would be the point? So I guess I’m thinking that if you had said hey I got a problem that I’m trying to resolve on my own but I just wanted to let you know, what would have been his response?

You have a good point. And honestly our past issues left a bad taste in my mouth if even on a subconscious level. I suspect it will take years for me to feel normal/comfortable again. That coupled with my natural tendencies is quite a hurdle.

 

[Zaynab]

I’ve learned that (for me) it depends on the partner. I tend to mirror his or her behavior towards me.

With my ex I was care-taking, but not affectionate and loving. I divorced him.

With my current boyfriend, I’m care-taking (with boundaries and the capacity to hold him accountable), affectionate (to include sensual), and loving. He’s very care-taking, responsive to my affection, and extremely loving. He’s also a beta male and I’m an alpha female but he takes control in the bedroom and in public whereas I’m more submissive (but influential—he says I’ve turned him out ).

For me this has been the best relationship I’ve been in so I don’t have any issues with being agile to his needs/wants.

ETA: OP I am my mother’s only child as well so I totally can relate to how you feel.

This would be me.

 

[secretdiamond]

I think for me it depends on the partner.
I have found of myself:

Beta-males: I am affectionate and loving. Not care-taking, for some reason. Maybe it's because their beta side lets me??
Alpha-males: I am all of the above, including care-taking. I'm always aiming to please, and I love it that way.