Are These Red Flags in a Relationship?

W

w332

New Member
I am dating a man I like, and we are supposed to go away together on a vacation soon. But some things are not sitting well with me, and I am not even 100% thrilled about the idea of going on vacation with a man I'm not engaged/married to (but that's another complicated story). I am just wondering if you consider these red flags:
  1. I get easily annoyed with him because he whines that he thinks I don't care about him enough.
  2. He complained that I don't already have a passport...he's a foreigner, and I'm not a frequent international traveler like he is...but I'd love to travel.
  3. He says he cares about his ex-girlfriend and likes her.
  4. He's 33 and thinks treating me like a queen means waiting on me hand and foot (it means commitment and devotion to me- I like the simple things better than flashy displays of affection).
  5. He's not a practicing Christian, I am (I know that's huge-but we are college sweethearts, and my first serious relationship that didn't work out was with a practicing Christian).
  6. I'm different from all the other girls he's dated- they've been asian, indian, etc., and I'm a dark skinned black girl! This one bugs me...even though he tells me I'm beautiful.
What do you ladies think? I've been tossing back and forth in my mind between going and not going on the trip with him...a part of me wants to go, another part doesn't because of 1-6 above. What would you do?
 
It sounds like you don't like him much. I ain't see any red flags per se but you clearly have some issues with some of his ways. I say if you don't feel completely comfy going away with him, then don't go
 
I partially feel I promised him and need to go. On the other hand, I hate doing things I don't want to do. I'm not sure how or when to tell him if I decide not to go- the trip is a month and a half away.
 
3.He says he cares about his ex-girlfriend and likes her.
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You might need some clarification on this especially if he keeps bringing their past relationship up. If you are comfortable going out with him then you might actually enjoy your vacay together.

Btw since he's 33 how old are you? Are you near his age range? Do you both attend the same school?
 
I think, you hold some resentment for him because of him caring for, and liking, his ex-girlfriend. It sounds like you dont like him too much.

I don't see any red flags that he's displaying. People don't always have to display red flags for them not to be right for you. If you don't like him, let him go.
 
w332 said:
I partially feel I promised him and need to go. On the other hand, I hate doing things I don't want to do. I'm not sure how or when to tell him if I decide not to go- the trip is a month and a half away.
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Trust your intuition & whatever it is telling you. Dont rationalize it away.
 
I can't believe he actually admitted to you he still cares about his ex and likes her, I think he tried to be less hurtful and meant love. At that point I would of told him to go back to her then. If your religion is that important and you feel he is a threat to your beliefs by putting it down then that's a no go as well. But if you can live with these two than I say go ahead. At the end of the day you have a choice. If he annoys you(whines) and it bothers you that much leave him. No one wants a whining behind man. But I feel all of this can be overcome by just talking. Ask him do he love his ex and so on and so forth and if you can't live with it than you know what to do
 
Why would you go on vacation with a man who told you directly that he still likes and cares about his ex? I hope you are not rebound material for him. I'm just saying.

Any man who told me he still cares and likes his ex has no business trying to date and go on vacations with me.
 
It doesn't seem like you like him. Him talking about his ex often would turn most women off. Traveling aka going on holiday should be a fun experience. Traveling with someone that you are not really feeling is a disaster waiting to happen unless you are just looking for a freebie vacation. Listen to your gut feelings if you are considering anything outside of a friendship with this guy.
 
w332 -- is dis da same guy who played you while yall were in college or sumfin like dat? da one who strung u along, then got engaged to some indian chick....then lied n told u he broke it off wif her? da one dat like to play mind games..

who is payin for da trip?
who suggested goin?
 
Yes, it's the same guy! We decided to share the cost of the trip, and the trip was his idea.

I have a lot of thinking to do!
 
I am bothered by what he said about his ex. I think he was just being honest though. He was engaged to her, and it was a 4 year relationship. I care about my ex too (meaning, I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I don't want to be with him either- I even think he's a good guy- for someone else!). I just don't like that he said it. He doesn't even want me to say my ex's NAME! So I know if the situation were reversed he wouldn't like it if I told him that. He should give me the same consideration...

He does always say he loves me more than her and he even said he did date asians and indians and isn't it ironic the one he likes most of all is a dark skinned black woman- could have been gaming me, but I kinda believe him.
 
I do love him a lot...more than any other man I've ever known. My dream is that it will work out and we will be happy together (I'm not an emotional person, and I don't believe in crying and hollering, but the thought of us not being together literally causes pain in my chest).

It just seems like we have a lot to work on.
 
The last few posts make everything clear. You know you can't trust him. Your heart loves him but your gut is telling you :nono:. I would not go an a trip with him, no m'am. And split the cost to boot? This guy is a real game player and you know it deep down. That first love stuff is powerful but if you do nothing else, pass on the trip for now. You can't speak your ex's name, but he can go on about he cares about his ex? He is a piece of work if you ask me.
 
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Also, this feels like déjà vu, didn't we all figure this dude out in your previous thread?
 
I think you know what to do in all honesty but don't want to do it. These are neon colored flags. Stay home.
 
Thanks for your advice ladies! This is REALLY hard for me! It's like do I follow my heart (which says go girl!) or my head (which says not so fast!). I can see both sides of the argument. On the one hand, I'm in my 30s, single, and he's handsome, funny, smart, sweet, and seems promising. On the other hand, I don't want to go on a long trip with a man I'm not in a committed relationship with, we don't share the same religious views, and our ideas about the way relationships work are totally different- he's liberal, I'm conservative/old-fashioned about relationships.

Follow my heart or follow my head? I don't know what to do. I'm going to keep thinking about it though. Maybe I should follow my intuition? Maybe I should walk away and never look back if I can... I don't know.
 
w332 said:
I do love him a lot...more than any other man I've ever known. My dream is that it will work out and we will be happy together (I'm not an emotional person, and I don't believe in crying and hollering, but the thought of us not being together literally causes pain in my chest).

It just seems like we have a lot to work on.
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*lights up a newport one hunnit*

so....i see ur still allowin him to mind phuck u huh....

see, dats why u keep gettin caught up in da trick bag. getcha heads out da clouds cuz u lookin at dis whole situation thru rosey colored glasses and can't see da forest for da trees. come down from da clouds and be realistic about it. sit down n have a newport wif me and lemme explain some things to u...

*passes her a newport one hunnit*

first of all, i'm mad dat he suggested the vacation, but you have to pitch in to help pay for the trip. That is not a vacation. lemme find out he can't afford to go unless u help finance it. chile puleez.... imma touch on dat later on.

ur not in love. stop playin witcha self. ur in love with the idea of bein in love. u doin too much and u got some otha issues that u need to work on cuz u keep harpin on da fact that he's dated asian, indian, and all these otha breeds, and that it bothers you that he has because, as u said in ur post....that you are dark skinned black. i ain't neva in all my years heard someone call themselves dark skinned black, but anywho...u need to work on ur self first before you pack ur bags n go anywhere with anybody. you got some self esteem issues that you need to work out. it almost sounds like you need and want to be accepted by him and that right der is a red flag in itself.

you can't get ova da fact that he keeps bringing up his indian chick that he was once engaged too. don't forget he lied and told u that he broke it off with her when da real deal is that he wasn't accepted by her parents. come on now....

to me, this ain't about love. your looking for acceptance/validation, and until you learn to love and accept yourself FIRST, you'll be just like a dog chasing its tail....it'll never end, but it has to start with you.

now, about him..he's fulla shyt and u know it. he may say he love u, but he got a lot of game wif him cuz i don't like dat fact that since da indian family told him to go kick rocks, he came looking for u...a last resort. ole faithful. as if you weren't good enough before....that's just my opinion and im not gonna give him too much air play, cuz like i said before, you shouldn't have to help pay for a vacation...that he suggested. stand for something or fall for anything....

so my advice to you would be to unpack ur bags and keep ur behind n da states and do some serious soul searchin within urself and learn to accept and get to know you first and to learn that you don't need a man to validate u. because you're making this about him, when really, it should always be about you.
 
I do love him, and I think self esteem is something every person has to work on improving daily. I also think I don't need a man to validate me, but I do need a man to complement me. Also, a relationship is two sided- it's never about one person.

Thank you for the advice though.
 
For the record, he didn't just come looking for me when the engagement was broken off-he always was attentive to me before, during, and after it. We were friends first and we always have been.
 
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w332 said:
Yes, it's the same guy! We decided to share the cost of the trip, and the trip was his idea.

I have a lot of thinking to do!
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Don't go nowhere if you are sharing the cost sweetie. I don't know about the other post or details about this guy but going half ain't the lick if it involves a man trying to get in yo draws.:look: I'm just sayin.................................
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
w332 -- is dis da same guy who played you while yall were in college or sumfin like dat? da one who strung u along, then got engaged to some indian chick....then lied n told u he broke it off wif her? da one dat like to play mind games..

who is payin for da trip?
who suggested goin?
Click to expand...

Wow. Why are you even still entertaining this dude???? :nono:
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
w332 -- ok. i stand corrected. have a safe trip and enjoy yourself.
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:lachen:

I don't mean to should harsh, op, but folks are going to laugh at you when he breaks your heart again. It is only a matter of time... You should know this isn't a good idea and you sound desperate. I thought you were young.
 
No- I just love him, and I'm hopeful, so I will give it a try. If it doesn't work, I'll keep moving forward. I'm strong enough to bounce back from it if I'm wrong.

I don't mind people laughing- this forum is pretty annonymous, and a lot of laughers/posters don't have men themselves. Married women who are happy don't really laugh at single women like that. It would be silly/childish.
 
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