Are there always red flags?

[Reece1337]

Do you think that there are always tell-tale signs given by a man before he shows his *ss (cheating, abusing, financial woes)? Or can one truly have be blindsided by a sudden onset of foolishness??

I always see women tell other women "She shouldn't have ignored the signs." But there have to be exceptions to this rule, right?

 

[Lucie]

I don't believe in absolutes. So no.

Long story short. I was in HS and there was a tragic story in the papers. A man's father died while his (the young man) girlfriend was on vacation in Jamaica. She was unable to get back and missed the funeral. She did her best to get back but was unable to. He married her a few years later. Had a big wedding. Had a baby boy. One day she came home and found her son's face Ziplocked in his crib with a note. Her husband said you broke my heart leaving me to grieve my father alone. So now I want you to know how I felt all of these years.

Is this a typical story? NO! Is it extreme? YES! BUT, people can hide things for a long time. And when it is time to reveal who they are, they will.

There are NOT always red flags.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

OMG, that story is horrifying!

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

No, I don't think that the signs are always there.

However, I do believe that, more often then not, the signs ARE there and people choose not to see (or deal with) them. Just check out the advice threads. Filled with red flags of the guy one should stay FAR away from.

I know it my past, I saw red flags from the beginning and chose to ignore them for whatever reasons I had at the time. Lesson learned.

 

[angelhairtype4]

Adding to what TwoSnapsUp said. For young folks, sometimes we also don't know signs we should look for.

Sent through telekenesis using the mind partnered with LHCF

 

[ladysaraii]

I'm going to disagree, I think the signs are always there. Whether we recognize them for what they are is a different issue. I don't think they always pop up in your face either, sometimes they lurk around the peripheral of your vision.

 

[ladylibra_30]

^^^Yes.
Also that's hindsight is 20/20.

 

[RUBY]

The story that Lucie told up thread shocked me. As I was reading it I didn't know where it was going and then bam the end came and I'm speechless and shaking my head. Is it really a true story? That man is crazy.

 

[LaBelleLL]

I'm going to disagree, I think the signs are always there. Whether we recognize them for what they are is a different issue. I don't think they always pop up in your face either, sometimes they lurk around the peripheral of your vision.

I completely agree. Even with that ziplock story. There were signs I'm totally sure. The story is not complete. How was dude before the dad died? After the dad died?

Referring to that other thread about parents and relationships - this is why I listen to my parents when choosing a husband and why I am open with my serious relationship. If I am not able to recognize or identify the signs, there is a second and third set of eyes (aka mommy and daddy). They are able to see things for what they truly are.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Lilmama1011]

I don't believe in absolutes. So no.

Long story short. I was in HS and there was a tragic story in the papers. A man's father died while his (the young man) girlfriend was on vacation in Jamaica. She was unable to get back and missed the funeral. She did her best to get back but was unable to. He married her a few years later. Had a big wedding. Had a baby boy. One day she came home and found her son's face Ziplocked in his crib with a note. Her husband said you broke my heart leaving me to grieve my father alone. So now I want you to know how I felt all of these years.

Is this a typical story? NO! Is it extreme? YES! BUT, people can hide things for a long time. And when it is time to reveal who they are, they will.

There are NOT always red flags.

omg? that is extremely crazy. he went through the whole giving having his son brought into this world t and i assume he loved his son, to prove a point?

 

[TopShelf]

yup......it's called instincts!!! Mine have never been wrong

people try to explain away everything.

 

[Urban]

Even with the above story, I think there would have been signs. How did dh behave when his father came up in conversation? Did they ever visit the grave together, or was he funny about her tagging along? How was their marriage in general, just because they got married and had a child, it doesn't mean it was a happy one. Was he ever violent? Anyhow, this is a real extreme case. I would say that in general though, there are red flags in the majority of cases. That's just my opinion.

 

[Lucie]

Even with the above story, I think there would have been signs. How did dh behave when his father came up in conversation? Did they ever visit the grave together, or was he funny about her tagging along? How was their marriage in general, just because they got married and had a child, it doesn't mean it was a happy one. Was he ever violent? Anyhow, this is a real extreme case. I would say that in general though, there are red flags in the majority of cases. That's just my opinion.

From what I read, the wife and family saw no red flags. They were happy together. The wife said they rarely argued and when they did it was resolved quickly. And his relatives said he was so in love with her and his baby. Yes, it is an extreme case but that story freaked me out. I can still remember seeing his face. He looked like the nicest guy.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Even if there were signs that her DH was unhappy or even bitter about her not being there when the father died, I somehow doubt that would indicate to most sane people that he would kill their child.

To answer the question, I think there may be signs. But honestly, depending on what you're dealing with, some people are masterminds at being manipulators, so the little things here and there that you may notice, you would probably not act upon, since the majority is good. The idea that some little things may blow up into big things are the risks we take in dealing with people period.

 

[DarkJoy]

Hell yea I agree with you RoundEyedGirl504

Everyone's perception is different. (general Your) Your idea of a red flag may not be my idea of a red flag, besides the obvious, like verbal abuse. Some people, like me, see red flags where there are none Some people are psychopaths and sociopaths and excellent at hiding their dysfunction until they can no longer contain it.

I think this is also a clever way to victim blame again, "YOU should have KNOWN. YOU should have SEEN IT!" When, really, the psycho is responsible for their own actions, whether or not the victim noticed or ignored someone else's perception of a 'red flag'.

 

[Babysaffy]

OMG, that story is horrifying!

That story left my breathless and scared. My son is in his cot next to me sleeping and I was about to take an afternoon nap too... Um, will probably have nightmares now

 

[Britt]

yup......it's called instincts!!! Mine have never been wrong

people try to explain away everything.

I agree with all of this. I truly think in all situations red flags are usually there we just try to make sense of them. Not only in romantic relationships only, interactions/relationships with others. Earlier this week my spidey senses went off about someone and I kept giving her the benefit of doubt, but my initial gut reaction turned out to be true. Now I will act accordingly and decline getting close to her. I spent so much time trying to rationalize what she was doing, but feelings said otherwise.

 

[Fine 4s]

We can always go back and re-tell a story, any story, to fit a truth. Our egos won't let us admit that we were wrong so we adjust as needed.
Blindspots are called blindspots for a reason. Not to mention that most people don't live in the present anyway, we always either way ahead or way behind lol

I believe in taking calculated risks...taking one now *shrug*

 

[celiabug]

Theres red flags. People just vhoose to ignore them. I feel therr are ALWAYS red flags and we don't even have to look for them, they show up!

 

[TayMac]

Alway, no. Often, yes. I think there are usually subtle signs that don't add up until the bigger issue comes to light and then it all makes sense. Relationships are trial and error so I believe that some things you won't even know to look for without experience.

 

[CoilyFields]

The problem with red flags is that they are not always cause for alarm.

What I mean is...one thing person A does can end up being totally harmless...but when person B does it, it really is a sign of a deeper problem. For every husband thats working late cheating theres one who's really just working late. Hindsight is 20/20 but unless you're living in a perpetual state of suspicion (which would be a miserable exisitance) it's easy to get caught off guard.

Also, every red flag is not a sign that you need to jump ship.

So with the above qualifiers I think that it can be difficult to navigate relationships from the inside. I agree with having a wise parent or trusted friend to point out when the flags are adding up.

 

[firecracker]

From what I read, the wife and family saw no red flags. They were happy together. The wife said they rarely argued and when they did it was resolved quickly. And his relatives said he was so in love with her and his baby. Yes, it is an extreme case but that story freaked me out. I can still remember seeing his face. He looked like the nicest guy.

Lucie your story was like taking out Mr. Pisser. Killed my love buzz fo sho!!!

 

[ambergirl]

The problem with red flags is that they are not always cause for alarm.

What I mean is...one thing person A does can end up being totally harmless...but when person B does it, it really is a sign of a deeper problem. For every husband thats working late cheating theres one who's really just working late. Hindsight is 20/20 but unless you're living in a perpetual state of suspicion (which would be a miserable exisitance) it's easy to get caught off guard.

Also, every red flag is not a sign that you need to jump ship.

So with the above qualifiers I think that it can be difficult to navigate relationships from the inside. I agree with having a wise parent or trusted friend to point out when the flags are adding up.

Yep...this is exactly what I was going to say. I tend to think there are always red flags, but they're only red flags in retrospect.

This is one where both intuition and evidence of a pattern of behavior is helpful.

 

[Carrie A]

As Oprah would say most red flags are whispers....... I think whispers occur but one has to be open to hear them.

 

[Reece1337]

The replies are interesting (and tragic Lucie) - there really isn't just one answer to the question. There are too many variables - what seems to be true, in my experience, is you can't really be knowledgeable about what the signs mean until you've lived a little. I agree with a previous poster that trial and error (direct or vicarious) is the only way to learn how to be able to detect signs and interpret them.

As a teenager, I obviously didn't know that overly clingy men weren't operating as such because they adored you. Whereas this behavior would trigger my spider senses at my current age, my teenage (and early 20's) self wouldn't have a clue about the potential issues that would arise in continuing a relationship win such a man.

 

[ladysaraii]

The problem with red flags is that they are not always cause for alarm.

What I mean is...one thing person A does can end up being totally harmless...but when person B does it, it really is a sign of a deeper problem. For every husband thats working late cheating theres one who's really just working late. Hindsight is 20/20 but unless you're living in a perpetual state of suspicion (which would be a miserable exisitance) it's easy to get caught off guard.

Also, every red flag is not a sign that you need to jump ship.

So with the above qualifiers I think that it can be difficult to navigate relationships from the inside. I agree with having a wise parent or trusted friend to point out when the flags are adding up.

I agree with this. Red flag to me is a signal that you need to stop take note, and investigate or keep your eyes open. Could be innocent, could be a big deal. But I believe they are there, if we take the time to look

 

[gabulldawg]

I'm going to disagree, I think the signs are always there. Whether we recognize them for what they are is a different issue. I don't think they always pop up in your face either, sometimes they lurk around the peripheral of your vision.

I agree. I think there are always signs. Looking back I knew the exact red flags that I chose to ignore with my ex (that I wish I hadn't).

Adding to what @TwoSnapsUp said. For young folks, sometimes we also don't know signs we should look for.

Sent through telekenesis using the mind partnered with LHCF

I think the bolded is a major issue. Sometimes we don't know what to look for, especially when it comes to psychoses or mental problems (like in Lucie's story).

 

[bklynbornNbred]

The problem with red flags is that they are not always cause for alarm.

What I mean is...one thing person A does can end up being totally harmless...but when person B does it, it really is a sign of a deeper problem. For every husband thats working late cheating theres one who's really just working late. Hindsight is 20/20 but unless you're living in a perpetual state of suspicion (which would be a miserable exisitance) it's easy to get caught off guard.

Also, every red flag is not a sign that you need to jump ship.

So with the above qualifiers I think that it can be difficult to navigate relationships from the inside. I agree with having a wise parent or trusted friend to point out when the flags are adding up.

To use your example - working late isn't a red flag. If there is OT money in the joint checking account that is usually a sign he is actually working.

Being told he had to work late yet the money is always short everytime you want to do something for yourself or the kids, bills are bouncing and red envelopes are coming to the house that you're not opening because he handles all the bills is a flag you're choosing to ignore.

People spend too much time giving the benefit of the doubt when common sense is pointing them in the correct direction. Its not about blaming victims but giving women/men tools to empower themselves.

 

[LiftedUp]

I would like to say yes. It may not be glaring but people often cite the "little things" and their intuition/nagging feeling/the Holy Spirit speaking to them in hindsight.

 

[CoilyFields]

To use your example - working late isn't a red flag. If there is OT money in the joint checking account that is usually a sign he is actually working.

Being told he had to work late yet the money is always short everytime you want to do something for yourself or the kids, bills are bouncing and red envelopes are coming to the house that you're not opening because he handles all the bills is a flag you're choosing to ignore.

People spend too much time giving the benefit of the doubt when common sense is pointing them in the correct direction. Its not about blaming victims but giving women/men tools to empower themselves.

You give people with whom you are in relationships the benefit of the doubt...it's called trust. And most of the time those doubts/issues turn out to be unfoundedor unintentional/misunderstandings. It's easier to spot red flags when they are a pattern of suspicious behavior...in those cases we have chosen to ignore them or were too naive to understand. But there are also "signs" that only become labeled as such after the fact because at the time they were perfectly explainable.

In the example of the husband working late...yes if the money is not adding up to the hours then that i.s an obvious cause for concern. But if he's salaried then more money in the account would not be a viable gauge on if he's actually working late or not.