American ladies, what do you do in a relationship?

[Maracujá]

Over the years I've noticed a certain pattern here on LHCF: whenever someone mentions that they did something for their SO someone else will come in and say: "you do that for your SO? has he put a ring on it?". It usually concerns cooking, sexing and the like. I find it so interesting that in American culture those are things that you only do within a marriage because in my culture when you have a boyfriend you cook for him and even have sex with him (well perhaps not in the villages but it's common in the city). So all this makes me wonder: what DO you ladies DO with an SO? The other day I even read here that letting your SO drive your car is too much...I was like :-0

 

[Raspberry]

Over the years I've noticed a certain pattern here on LHCF: whenever someone mentions that they did something for their SO someone else will come in and say: "you do that for your SO? has he put a ring on it?". It usually concerns cooking, sexing and the like. I find it so interesting that in American culture those are things that you only do within a marriage because in my culture when you have a boyfriend you cook for him and even have sex with him (well perhaps not in the villages but it's common in the city). So all this makes me wonder: what DO you ladies DO with an SO? The other day I even read here that letting your SO drive your car is too much...I was like :-0

Most American women are doing those things for their boyfriends, don't believe the hype , it's very easy to act self-righteous or talk about ideals instead of reality on a message board.

 

[Triniwegian]

Most people talk a good game.

I can't picture a man wanting to marry a woman that does not cook, clean, give up the goodies, does not help him out, and is not supportive of his advancements, and I have seem females on this board mention a variety of these things.

America has one of the most contradictory relationship cultures I have ever encountered; schools are reluctant to teach sex education, yet USA has one of the highest teen-pregnancy/out of wedlock children rates of industrialized countries in the world.
How do you explain so many baby mamas and daddy's yet "everyone" refuse to do wifey stuff before they are married??

I have seen so much BS on this board, as Rasberry said: don't believe the hype.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I don't think that its that they don't do it, its doing it for a man that expects you to cook, clean, 'color', etc...and he does not do his equal part in the relationship.

 

[natural_one]

I do all the above and he does the same for me!

I talked to him about that thread yesterday and he said women with no men shouldn't be giving out advice about what should go on in a relationship. He said, get in one and stay in on then give out advice.

 

[Maracujá]

I do all the above and he does the same for me!

I talked to him about that thread yesterday and he said women with no men shouldn't be giving out advice about what should go on in a relationship. He said, get in one and stay in on then give out advice.

 

[Raspberry]

I don't think that its that they don't do it, its doing it for a man that expects you to cook, clean, 'color', etc...and he does not do his equal part in the relationship.

ITA, maybe that's where the perceived self-righteousness comes from, it's a reaction to unbalanced relationships where some women seem to be giving a lot more than they're receiving.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

ITA, maybe that's where the perceived self-righteousness comes from, it's a reaction to unbalanced relationships where some women seem to be giving a lot more than they're receiving.

It depends on what the lady is looking for in return. Everyone has different standards for what's acceptable in a relationship.

 

[missann]

The rationale is often: If you're doing all these things, what incentive does the man have to marry you?

Also, in America you're just taught that good girls don't do that. They are to be pursued and not out trying to seduce and snatch up a man.

 

[NYAmicas]

Most American women are doing those things for their boyfriends, don't believe the hype , it's very easy to act self-righteous or talk about ideals instead of reality on a message board.

lmao.

I think people try to find a balance between doing too much and getting taken advantage of. My philosophy is simple-I wont do more than you're willing to do for me. If I want to cook a meal then I will but best believe he will be at the oven next time or taking me out. While I think the book "Why Men Love *****es" had great advice I dont think everything is set in stone like that. Doing too much when you're only getting so so in return makes no sense period.

 

[natural_one]

The rationale is often: If you're doing all these things, what incentive does the man have to marry you?

Also, in America you're just taught that good girls don't do that. They are to be pursued and not out trying to seduce and snatch up a man.

I think that rationale is flawed. I would hope a man's reason for marrying a woman isn't so he can have someone cook for him. What about love and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you?

 

[missann]

I think that rationale is flawed. I would hope a man's reason for marrying a woman isn't so he can have someone cook for him. What about love and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you?

OP mentioned sexing, etc., which puts the woman in a vulnerable position. Many who cook, clean, sex, etc. are shacking with the guy indefinitely. So in essence he is spending his life with you (until he wants to end it) without much risk on his part.

 

[natural_one]

^^ I think if a man wants to marry you he is going to do so if you are or aren't doing those things.

 

[MissMasala5]

ITA, maybe that's where the perceived self-righteousness comes from, it's a reaction to unbalanced relationships where some women seem to be giving a lot more than they're receiving.

True. I wonder how much of it is reaction versus perception, or assumption even.

To the OP, I'm American and wonder the same as you. To me sex is a bigger deal than a meal or a chore. If I were of the mind that gf's shouldn't be doing wifey things for/with the bf then sex would not happen. There's that potential to start a family with sex, so meals and laundry pale in comparison. However, for women who are just casually dating guys? I can sort of understand not doing cooking and such since it may deter from the scope of that type of relationship--bf status-as-yet-to-be-established-cuz-we're-just-kicking-it-right-now.

 

[MD_Lady]

ITA, maybe that's where the perceived self-righteousness comes from, it's a reaction to unbalanced relationships where some women seem to be giving a lot more than they're receiving.

lmao.

I think people try to find a balance between doing too much and getting taken advantage of. My philosophy is simple-I wont do more than you're willing to do for me. If I want to cook a meal then I will but best believe he will be at the oven next time or taking me out. While I think the book "Why Men Love *****es" had great advice I dont think everything is set in stone like that. Doing too much when you're only getting so so in return makes no sense period.

A relationship is supposed to be about both people pleasing each other (IMO, any way), but some women do all the "work", get little/nothing in return, and then :scratchch when they feel unfulfilled and frustrated.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Thanks for saving me the keystrokes

Most American women are doing those things for their boyfriends, don't believe the hype , it's very easy to act self-righteous or talk about ideals instead of reality on a message board.

 

[PopLife]

I don't mind doing things for my SO as long as I feel like he is appreciative and would do the same for me. Although, I have a hard time finding a balance between doing too much and not enough. For example, how often should you cook for your SO, should it be a daily/weekly thing or just for special occasions/every now and then (I think I'm slacking in this area...lol)?

 

[MissMasala5]

I don't mind doing things for my SO as long as I feel like he is appreciative and would do the same for me. Although, I have a hard time finding a balance between doing too much and not enough. For example, how often should you cook for your SO, should it be a daily/weekly thing or just for special occasions/every now and then (I think I'm slacking in this area...lol)?

How often? Only you can answer that. Do what feels right and good and fun for you. Sundays? Three times per week? Alternate eat in with eating out or him cooking? Lots of ways to do it.

 

[Katherina]

I don't mind doing things for my SO as long as I feel like he is appreciative and would do the same for me. Although, I have a hard time finding a balance between doing too much and not enough. For example, how often should you cook for your SO, should it be a daily/weekly thing or just for special occasions/every now and then (I think I'm slacking in this area...lol)?

I don't think there is a "should." I think it's a personal decision based on your preferences, his likes, and the relationship. I think it would be best to just be honest with yourself - that will work out better in the long run. If you hate cooking, you don't want to be miserable and resentful by cooking daily for him (and when / if you eventually stop cooking he'll be like "WTF? Where's the woman I thought I knew? Why is she changing?" You don't want that). If you love cooking, why not cook for him (or maybe not FOR him, but let him know he's welcome to take part in your meal if he's hungry)?

 

[missann]

^^ I think if a man wants to marry you he is going to do so if you are or aren't doing those things.

Perhaps. The thinking is if he wants you, you don't have do all those things. He should chase/cater to you. Upon marriage, you can reciprocate.

If you do all those "wifely" things before marriage, you're opening the door to indefinite girlfriend/"homey" status - even if he's genuinely attracted to you. So the rules say... <shrug>

With that said, times have changed and so have expectations on both sides. So it's a personal choice. But premarital sexing and shacking and housekeeping are still no-nos for the traditional set.

 

[Syrah]

Too much is when there's an expectation that he doesn't have to do certain things for himself because you will do them for him.

Other than that...game time!