Am I being unreasonable

[naijaGal]

I grew up in a polygamous family and can’t get to grips with step brothers and sisters. My father’s a muslim and my mother’s a xtian. They’re divorced now.

We all lived in the same house, my dad, the 2 wives and all the kids. I can remember the constant yelling and fighting. It’s funny, now that I’m older I actually feel sorry for my dad. He’d come home from work only to have to deal with my mum and step mum screaming at each other. As an adult I know how much I crave peace and quiet when I come home from work,

I’ve also had a 2ple of relationships with crazy ex’s involved. I backed away real quick cos I don’t so other people’s drama.

I think this has had an impact on my life cos I really shy away from men with kids. So I ask all the readers ‘Am I being unreasonable’. I know being serious with a guy who has kids prob won’t be an issue but I don’t know why it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I keep thinking what if they hate me, what if they treat me the way I treated my step mother (I cussed tat woman something rotten)?

It’s silly I know, but it niggles at me now and then.

 

[Keen]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you don't want any step children, then that's your prerogative. I just want to let you know that once you get pass a certain age, the pickings for men without kids get very slim.

 

[temfash]

I don't think your being unresonable at all girl. I grew up till I was 10 in the UK in a relatively blissfull existence of mongamy. Then at the age of 10+ my brothers and I were wisked off to Nigeria to a ready made family of 2 step sisters and a brother imagine my shock at no longer being the 1st child and being bossed around my sisters. Although my step mothers were divorced from my Dad and we never lived a polygamous life I can't imagine my mums patience at being undermined by her husband every time she had issues with my other (sisters). My brother and I were spared some of the issues because we went to boarding school have you ever heard of a child loving school because home was a war zone.

I do not keep in touch with my half sisters and even though my dad is under the illusion that we are one family the fact that we have the same father is just that. You are not alone but don't throw the baby out with the bath water with regards to men with kids.

 

[naijaGal]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you don't want any step children, then that's your prerogative. I just want to let you know that once you get pass a certain age, the pickings for men without kids get very slim.

Keen, my posting is actually based on your comments. It's getting harder finding men in my age range without kids. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't all come across as tired brothers with bitter ex's who just won't let go.

Not that being with a guy with no history guarantees happiness but then again the heart wants what the heart wants.

Sometimes i think I'd be better off with a man with kids cos I think he'd be aiming to make a better job of things next time around. Then I look at Eddie Murphy and think prob not.

 

[Much2much41]

You're not being unreasonable. It's your preference, and there is no reason to feel bad about how YOU feel. I don't date men w/kids, either, and I've been successful at finding men w/o them. I've been told that I might be passing up a good man, and while that's possible, I also feel I'm passing up being a step-mother to a child that will forever be around (even when they grow up, they are never truly gone) and dealing w/ex-wives or children's mothers who may or may not be over the man. You also don't have to contend w/disciplinary issues. I refuse to have a child in my household where I pay bills and give up the "goods" (keeping it clean), that defies me and I'm supposed to sit there and not be able to discipline them. Do what works for you and you only.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

hmmm interesting. I shy away from guys with kids because I'm selfish in a sense: I want to be the first and only of everything, wife and mother of his kids.

If I do end up with someone with kids, he will have to work extra hard to get me.

ETA:Oh and also the fact that I was the step daughter to my step dad. I hated growing up knowing all my siblings were half. My dad wasn't in the picture so I had to watch my siblings grow up with their family. I felt left out and resented my mom and the whole family for that.

I don't want any child to go through that or be put in that situation. If it ends up like that I will try to have what jada and will's ex have for the child's sake.

 

[Naturallong81]

hmmm interesting. I shy away from guys with kids because I'm selfish in a sense: I want to be the first and only of everything, wife and mother of his kids.

If I do end up with someone with kids, he will have to work extra hard to get me.

that how i feel also. i don't have kids and i feel like that makes me able to choose a man who also doesnt have kids. i also think that mixed families are alot harder than people make them out to be.

 

[FlowerHair]

I grew up in a polygamous family and can’t get to grips with step brothers and sisters. My father’s a muslim and my mother’s a xtian. They’re divorced now.

I'm just curious, what is an xtian?

ETA: OK, I just realized it probably means Christian. Never mind me

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

Being someone that is married to a man with a child I will say this...NO I don't believe you are being unreasonable, if that is what you feel that you want then you have that right. I do say, don't limit yourself. If you meet a great guy and find out that he has children, don't immediately cut him off. Sometimes its not as a big a dramafest as we claim its going to be. I know for a fact that mine isn't. I was very adament that I didn't want a man with a child and here I am married to a man with an 8 year old daughter. Its definitely not for everyone...but I thank God for my daughter by another mother....

 

[UmSumayyah]

No you're not unreasonable.

And dang why couldn't your father do right and buy each wife her own house?

 

[naijaGal]

And dang why couldn't your father do right and buy each wife her own house?

My mother refused to move out cos she put him thru school so they split the hse. It was real big though

 

[Evolving78]

I don't think you are. I have dated men with kids and it is not for me.
Now that I have children, if my husband and I didn't work out, I would wait til my children were grown to get involved in serious relationships. I don't want to have to deal with step-parent issues. That is just me though. Men are crazy these days and I'm very over protective of my children. I don't want to have to chose because despite whatever it is, my kids always come first.