After 2.5 Years of Long Distance

[ndidirod]

My friend has been in a long distance relationship with her man for 2.5 years. (They met online and have never lived in the same city.) She's frustrated because she expects the relationship to go to the next level - engagement and move - like really soon, but her man seems to be dragging his feet. He wants to spend another 2 years long distance so that he can get his national teacher certification that will allow him to teach anywhere in the US. (He teaches 8th graders.) She can't move because of her important position at her company. She says she'll put up with the distance for his career if he would just put a ring on it in the meantime. What would you do in her shoes?

 

[SamandI]

leave. I was in the same position for 1.5 years. He wasn't moving, and I wasn't moving. He was the best guy I had ever been with up until that point, but some things are not negotiable. Plus, marriage was not in his vocabulary, even though he was an awesome boyfriend in every way. He always would say it wasn't his thing. I broke up with him and it took me a year to get over him. I still consider him one of my good friends but things just didn't work out.

 

[LivingDol1]

i wouldn't stay in the relationship. if they've been together that long and have never spent every day time together, that's just too much to risk. i'd never leave my job and move for a man without the proper security, or an equal if not better job in the new city. And no ring? No way.

 

[vevster]

My friend has been in a long distance relationship with her man for 2.5 years. (They met online and have never lived in the same city.) She's frustrated because she expects the relationship to go to the next level - engagement and move - like really soon, but her man seems to be dragging his feet. He wants to spend another 2 years long distance so that he can get his national teacher certification that will allow him to teach anywhere in the US. (He teaches 8th graders.) She can't move because of her important position at her company. She says she'll put up with the distance for his career if he would just put a ring on it in the meantime. What would you do in her shoes?

I would start dating others secretly. Maybe she will find someone in her city that wants to commit.

 

[meesch]

I would never date someone long distance long term, particularly someone that I never dated within the same distance to begin with.

 

[TamedTresses]

I would call it a wrap. I would let him drag his feet...somewhere else.

 

[Dposh167]

I've been with my SO for 2 years. I'm in NY and he is in VA.
in my honest opinion....I wouldn't just up and leave him. I would have a serious serious talk about our future. Have they talked marriage? Have they talked about where they see each other in the future? Does he want to spend the rest of his life with her? Do they have a plan after he receives his certificate?
I wouldn't make a decision until those questions are asked. If he answers any of those questions with an "uh i-ono". or a "maybe" or a "we'll see" then i would have to reconsider waiting around for him

 

[lesedi]

She needs to move closer to him or leave. If marriage is something she wants in the near future then she is wasting her time. What if she waits for two more years, and then realises that he isn't someone she wants to marry? She should date in her city and spend time with men that can take her closer to the marriage goal she has. The man will move if it's worth it to him.

 

[TamedTresses]

What if he doesn't get a job in her state after he gets his national teacher certification? What will she do then? erplexed

 

[greight]

I would never date someone long distance long term, particularly someone that I never dated within the same distance to begin with.

Yep!

I'm the worst when it comes to texting, phone calls, emails. I like face to face communication. People can create their virtual realities of who they are and I find that problematic.

She needs to move closer to him or leave. If marriage is something she wants in the near future then she is wasting her time. What if she waits for two more years, and then realises that he isn't someone she wants to marry? She should date in her city and spend time with men that can take her closer to the marriage goal she has. The man will move if it's worth it to him.

I know that it's a rough economy and everything, but this is key. Also, how old are they? TBH, additional 2 years without a commitment sounds draining as hell.

He's asking her to hold on for two years... but with no guarantee that even he'd be there at the finish line

 

[ndidirod]

I've been with my SO for 2 years. I'm in NY and he is in VA.
in my honest opinion....I wouldn't just up and leave him. I would have a serious serious talk about our future. Have they talked marriage? Have they talked about where they see each other in the future? Does he want to spend the rest of his life with her? Do they have a plan after he receives his certificate?
I wouldn't make a decision until those questions are asked. If he answers any of those questions with an "uh i-ono". or a "maybe" or a "we'll see" then i would have to reconsider waiting around for him

They've talked marriage for a few months. He loves her and is in love with her but doesn't know if she's the one yet. (He wants to live with her first.) After he gets his certificate, the plan is for him to move, they live together for a year, and then see where it goes.

She needs to move closer to him or leave. If marriage is something she wants in the near future then she is wasting her time. What if she waits for two more years, and then realises that he isn't someone she wants to marry? She should date in her city and spend time with men that can take her closer to the marriage goal she has. The man will move if it's worth it to him.

She's convinced that he's the one. Good question though.

What if he doesn't get a job in her state after he gets his national teacher certification? What will she do then? erplexed

She doesn't know.

Yep!

I'm the worst when it comes to texting, phone calls, emails. I like face to face communication. People can create their virtual realities of who they are and I find that problematic.


I know that it's a rough economy and everything, but this is key. Also, how old are they? TBH, additional 2 years without a commitment sounds draining as hell.

He's asking her to hold on for two years... but with no guarantee that even he'd be there at the finish line

She's 27. He's 28.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

They've talked marriage for a few months. He loves her and is in love with her but doesn't know if she's the one yet. (He wants to live with her first.) After he gets his certificate, the plan is for him to move, they live together for a year, and then see where it goes.

That sounds crazy. She's already been with him for 2.5 yrs and he wants 3 more years and THEN they'll see where it goes??? She needs to take him back to the friend zone and start seeing other people. Then maybe if she's still single in 3 years they can try again, but no way would I just be sitting around wasting all my good years waiting on him. That's not smart at all.


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[B_Phlyy]

They've talked marriage for a few months. He loves her and is in love with her but doesn't know if she's the one yet. (He wants to live with her first.) After he gets his certificate, the plan is for him to move, they live together for a year, and then see where it goes.

Sounds like he's trying to buy time and have her auditioning when he's the one that's apparently not ready. She's already given him 2.5 years and he wants 3 more for a maybe? She should leave.

Lol me and FoxxyLocs posting the same thing at the same time.

 

[Mortons]

If you don't know if I'm the one after 2.5 years, it's a wrap, regardless of the long distance issue.

 

[*SkolarStar*]

I would never date someone long distance long term, particularly someone that I never dated within the same distance to begin with.

*ding ding ding* I'll be darned if I'm in a long distance long term relationship with someone I'm not in the same city as. Seeing other people wouldn't even be an option, it's mandatory.

But that's me.

 

[greight]

They've talked marriage for a few months. He loves her and is in love with her but doesn't know if she's the one yet. (He wants to live with her first.) After he gets his certificate, the plan is for him to move, they live together for a year, and then see where it goess.


She's 27. He's 28.

Nah, he needs to be shown the doors. Tell your girl it's a new year and it's time to start fresh!

2.5 years and he doesn't know if she's the one? And she wants to settle down soon, have kids, family, etc? Homeboy does not fall in the timeline. TO THE LEFT!

 

[MzLady78]

Nah, he needs to be shown the doors. Tell your girl it's a new year and it's time to start fresh!

2.5 years and he doesn't know if she's the one? And she wants to settle down soon, have kids, family, etc? Homeboy does not fall in the timeline. TO THE LEFT!

Yeah, that's crazy right there. I'm not usually one to play conspiracy theorist but I wonder if there's something else going on.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I have nothing against long distance relationship because my marriage was a result of a long distance relationship.

The problem that I have with this is that the man is not quite sure she's the one after 2.5 years and it sounds like she's ready for marriage. After a year of being in a long distance relationship and you know that you both want to be with each other and marry, you make things happen--one of you are going to have to move.

If living together before marriage works for them, I have nothing negative to say about that either, but for me I wasn't going to live with DH before me married--before I left my job and packed up everything to be with him, we had to be married first, I had to know that he was committed and not trying to do the relationship on a trial basis and not just keeping me around until he thought something else was out there.

 

[sky_blu]

Uh no thank you! Especially at 27 with no attachments.

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[tinkat]

Sounds like he's trying to buy time and have her auditioning when he's the one that's apparently not ready. She's already given him 2.5 years and he wants 3 more for a maybe? She should leave.

Lol me and FoxxyLocs posting the same thing at the same time.

I completely agree with that. He appears to not be ready and not sure of her being the one although he loves her and she feels like he is the one. Plus no one is ready to move. They are on two different pages/spaces...

 

[UmSumayyah]

I would start dating others secretly. Maybe she will find someone in her city that wants to commit.

Pffft. I would start seeing other people openly. Time to be non-exclusive since he is unsure if she is the one.

 

[CandiceC]

Pffft. I would start seeing other people openly. Time to be non-exclusive since he is unsure if she is the one.

I agree. She should tell him she wants a non-exclusive relationship.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I would start dating others secretly. Maybe she will find someone in her city that wants to commit.

I agree with this. I was in a similar situation and I now wish I was dating others. The breakup wouldn't have been so terrible to deal with.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

i'm in a LDR and if SO said some mess like this it would be over and done with. i can't imagine just dating for over 4 years for a person who is 25+ who is marriage minded he SHOULD be asking for her ring size not asking for 2 more year. it don't take that long at all.

 

[tolly]

another vote for moving on, 4years till she'll 30yrs just on his 'I may marry you'...for a woman who's interested in marriage that's ridiculous. She'll be devastated if he eventually breaks up with her and she has wasted so many years on him. I think even the 2yrs she's spent with him is too long if all he thinks now is they should try living together to see if it works.
I commend him for his honesty, he could have tried persuading her to leave her job to join him, so she should open her options, see other men and find someone who is ready to settle down with her.

 

[NYAmicas]

Yeah, it's time to let it burn. I'd tell dude I'm dating locally.

 

[LongTimeComing]

No sir. I'd tell him to look me up when graduates and if I'm not attached we MAY try it again.

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[Letta]

I have nothing against long distance relationship because my marriage was a result of a long distance relationship.

The problem that I have with this is that the man is not quite sure she's the one after 2.5 years and it sounds like she's ready for marriage. After a year of being in a long distance relationship and you know that you both want to be with each other and marry, you make things happen--one of you are going to have to move.

If living together before marriage works for them, I have nothing negative to say about that either, but for me I wasn't going to live with DH before me married--before I left my job and packed up everything to be with him, we had to be married first, I had to know that he was committed and not trying to do the relationship on a trial basis and not just keeping me around until he thought something else was out there.

THIS...for emphasis!!

 

[itismehmmkay]

She needs to end it. And find someone who is available

 

[simplertimes]

Why is he dating her long-distance if he is not sure she is the one? Why make that kind of stressful sacrifice for someone if you don't see yourself with them for the rest of your life?

I am in a long distance relationship myself. I am 100% sure he is the one for me and so is he. He is the one putting pressure on our move, the minute I don't feel effort on his part I am calling it a wrap. I don't have time that wish washy nonsense from afar