Advice please...should I leave him alone?

[MissLawyerLady]

I met a guy 2 months ago...professional job...very nice...super fine...perfect gentleman so far...educated...no prison/jail...no kids. We have a lot of life experiences in common (loss of family members, etc.). He is new to the area and recently divorced. I am in the process of getting a divorce. Both of our ex's live in different states. We are both late thirties and neither of us has children.

So far, we've been hanging out and things have been nice. We were watching movies and snuggling the other day and the subject of the ex's sort of came up. Anyway, we've never talked about marriage or anything- we only met 2 months ago- but he mentions that he doesn't think he'll ever get married again and that he definitely doesn't want kids. I totally respect his honesty and since I'm late 30's with fertility issues- being with a man who is not putting pressure on me to have biological children is a plus. However, I would definitely like to adopt a child one day and I also definitely intend to get married again.

So, this conversation with him got me thinking about whether I should continue to try and get to know him or if I should just tell him that I have different life goals and goodbye.

Am I overreacting? I mean one part of me is like live in the moment girl- he's sexy, he's professional, he's a gentleman, and you deserve to forget about the jackass of an ex-husband! But another part is like...why waste your time and potentially get attached to a man that isn't looking for what you're looking for.

I do think he's turned off by marriage b/c of his divorce but I don't believe in trying to change a person's mind about marriage or kids. If he said that's not what he wants, then I believe him.

Also, once he sells his house in his old city, he's going to still work in the city we both live in now but he's going to move to the major city about 40 miles away and commute daily. Honestly, there are not any men that I would date in the city we live in and I may be forced to move to the major city 40 miles away myself- depending on if I can keep my house in the divorce or not.

What would you all do...continue to hang out with him or say bye?

 

[PatTodd]

I say continue to get to know him but keep your options open.

 

[awhyley]

I met a guy 2 months ago...professional job...very nice...super fine...perfect gentleman so far...educated...no prison/jail...no kids.

What would you all do...continue to hang out with him or say bye?

Sounds like a keeper right there.

 

[SpyCats]

You are not going to change his mind about wanting to someday get re-married. Having said that *I* would leave him alone. I've been in that position in the past and I got super attached. You have only been dating him for 2 months why wait and have it turn into 2 years when it will be difficult to separate yourself from him.

If that's something that you have a problem doing at this moment, just as a previous poster said, continue to date him HOWEVER keep your options open (I would date other people as well).

 

[Makenzie]

I'd be honest with myself and not settle. That doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him, take it day by day.

 

[drasgrl]

You want different things. He told you what he wants/doesn't want so listen to him. If you want see him and hang out do it if you can do it without catching feelings and realizing that it won't go where you want it to go then more power to you.

 

[antisocial]

I think you should make it known how you feel now. Considering that you only met him 2 months ago things could change. He should at least know what you're expecatations are. You're decision on whether or not you should leave him alone should come after a conversation on where the two of you are headed and what both of you are really looking for. Somebody is always going to have to compromise. Either you, him or most likely both of you.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Like someone else said, date him and others as well.Like you already said he's told you what he wants. Fine. But you eventually want other things.

 

[ClassicChic]

Am I overreacting? I mean one part of me is like live in the moment girl- he's sexy, he's professional, he's a gentleman, and you deserve to forget about the jackass of an ex-husband! But another part is like...why waste your time and potentially get attached to a man that isn't looking for what you're looking for.

I think you already know the answer to your question.

 

[blue_flower]

I would tell him what that I would like to have kids in the future. But you're right, he probably won't change his mind, but it's best to keep it real and keep your options open at the same time.

 

[CarLiTa]

I think you should tell him how you feel about the issue.
Too many times we, women, keep quiet after the man has expressed an opinion which differs from ours. Next thing you know, the way he feels about that one issue dominates the whole relationship as it progresses. The woman ends up feeling... uncomfortable and his view remains on her mind until she decides to say something about it.

Better let him know that you have different views on that NOW rather than later, a few months down the line, when you two get much much closer and it becomes more difficult to separate.
He might reveal that he's not so adamant about not getting married again, or that he is indeed set in this decision. Then, your decision will be easier.

You definitely do not want that, a few months down the line, HE's like "Neither of us wants to remarry, so it's fine" when in fact, YOU really do.

 

[hopeful]

I think you should just relax and enjoy his company. You are in the process of getting a divorce so I can't imagine you are ready to re-marry right away anyway. Focus on getting the divorce finalized and getting all of your ducks back in a row, a divorce can really throw you off. If he's moving away the relationship may slowly fizzle anyway or not. I would not press the issue. If he starts to fall for you he may want to marry you, I think 2 months is too soon to figure things out. For now just take it one day at a time. Give him a chance to get to know you better and to get over his divorce. If by summertime he is still showing no interest in re-marrying and you are dying to re-marry then you will probably have to move on. Just wait and see how things go.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I would never ever recommend a single chick to get close to a dude that you already know yall don't want the same things... BUT in your case, you are going thru a divorce so i can't even fathom that you'd be ready to jump back into marriage so quickly. So i definitely would go for it, but i would make sure I allow myself to be with him for only the time that I dont want to be married/children. But the minute that I get the itch, then it's time to say goodbye. Having those clear expectations hopefully will be easier than getting your heart broken because you are trying to make him fit a profile that he doesn't want to be. enjoy!!!

 

[MissLawyerLady]

Ladies, thank you for all of the advice. I really appreciate your points of view. Keep 'em coming.

 

[tiara76]

tell him exactly how you feel....people change their minds all the time, you might change yours he might change his, however dealing in present moment feeling and thoughts at all times is what really is important....if you see yourself someday remarried again and thats the only reason you will ever date or see anybody for it to progress to marriage then you may want to remove yourself from the situation because if you can't handle his present day mindset and feelings that may or may not ever change then you are only hoping one day he will change his mind and be emotionally jacked up in the end......

if you are just hanging out, enjoying his company, no pressure, getting to know somebody and have no pressures or intended outcomes you never know what can happen.......if nothing he may just be somebody who is in your life for another reason or another....he may end up being somebody who is all wrong for you in another 2 months....but still if you two discuss things like that its important to communicate how you feel as well.....not just act like your feelings don't matter.....because he in his own way is setting the tone for what he's looking for...and if you don't speak up and go along with what he's saying and do get attached and he's just in transition or not looking for n e thing serious then it will only be messed up for you...

if you think he will run off because u express that one day u may adopt or get re married then let him run....it doesn't have to be him and u can let him know that.....keep ur options open and let him know that you know exactly what u want and how u feel presently as well...if thats too much for him to handle then he needs to keep it movin n e ways.....

if right now today, things are cool....and you are spending time and enjoying urself and not investing time you can be cool.....if you are only putting in time for a return leave because right now you can only go by where he is mentally and emotionally right now and if thats not good enough for you, know you don't have to settle for that

 

[Princess4real]

I met a guy 2 months ago...professional job...very nice...super fine...perfect gentleman so far...educated...no prison/jail...no kids. We have a lot of life experiences in common (loss of family members, etc.). He is new to the area and recently divorced. I am in the process of getting a divorce. Both of our ex's live in different states. We are both late thirties and neither of us has children.

So far, we've been hanging out and things have been nice. We were watching movies and snuggling the other day and the subject of the ex's sort of came up. Anyway, we've never talked about marriage or anything- we only met 2 months ago- but he mentions that he doesn't think he'll ever get married again and that he definitely doesn't want kids. I totally respect his honesty and since I'm late 30's with fertility issues- being with a man who is not putting pressure on me to have biological children is a plus. However, I would definitely like to adopt a child one day and I also definitely intend to get married again.

So, this conversation with him got me thinking about whether I should continue to try and get to know him or if I should just tell him that I have different life goals and goodbye.

Am I overreacting? I mean one part of me is like live in the moment girl- he's sexy, he's professional, he's a gentleman, and you deserve to forget about the jackass of an ex-husband! But another part is like...why waste your time and potentially get attached to a man that isn't looking for what you're looking for.

I do think he's turned off by marriage b/c of his divorce but I don't believe in trying to change a person's mind about marriage or kids. If he said that's not what he wants, then I believe him.

Also, once he sells his house in his old city, he's going to still work in the city we both live in now but he's going to move to the major city about 40 miles away and commute daily. Honestly, there are not any men that I would date in the city we live in and I may be forced to move to the major city 40 miles away myself- depending on if I can keep my house in the divorce or not.

What would you all do...continue to hang out with him or say bye?

Why are some of y'all telling her to continue to see this man??? HE TOLD HER HOW HE FELT!!! MAYBE HE WAS SENSING THAT SHE WAS WANTING MORE AND FELT HE NEEDED TO LET HER KNOW IT AIN'T HAPPENING! He we have a guy who was honest stepped up and said what he didn't want and he we go telling her to hang in there. The more she hangs in there, don't you think she is going to keep catching feelings??? Duh

 

[Princess4real]

I think you should tell him how you feel about the issue.
Too many times we, women, keep quiet after the man has expressed an opinion which differs from ours. Next thing you know, the way he feels about that one issue dominates the whole relationship as it progresses. The woman ends up feeling... uncomfortable and his view remains on her mind until she decides to say something about it.

Better let him know that you have different views on that NOW rather than later, a few months down the line, when you two get much much closer and it becomes more difficult to separate.
He might reveal that he's not so adamant about not getting married again, or that he is indeed set in this decision. Then, your decision will be easier.

You definitely do not want that, a few months down the line, HE's like "Neither of us wants to remarry, so it's fine" when in fact, YOU really do.

All the damn time!!!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Be honest with him about what you want. DH told everyone and their momma that he'd NEVER get married after he dumped his ex GF. Well, he ran me down for a date, asked me to be exclusive by that February and had me ring shopping by July.

Not to say that this man will change his mind, but if you are upfront with him and give it a few more months, things could be totally different. I would keep dating him for a bit....unless you have other options with men who do want marriage & kids?

I'd give it at least 6 months depending on his reaction to your telling him your expectations. If he is totally against marriage/adoption after your talk then I'd have to let him go. Don't waste another 4 months with him.

 

[nomoweavesfome]

I notice that the older you get the last time you have to waste on bs so to speak. You know what you want and he knows what he wants and if it's not lining up than maybe you should just remain friends with him and keep your options WIDE open. Don't get caught up in superficial stuff either like fine and nice job because if you not happy, his fine nice job having self ain't even gonna matter to you and your sanity. Do not let down your standards for anything or anybody ya hear. Just words from the wise. Trust.

 

[noemi]

Why are some of y'all telling her to continue to see this man??? HE TOLD HER HOW HE FELT!!! MAYBE HE WAS SENSING THAT SHE WAS WANTING MORE AND FELT HE NEEDED TO LET HER KNOW IT AIN'T HAPPENING! He we have a guy who was honest stepped up and said what he didn't want and he we go telling her to hang in there. The more she hangs in there, don't you think she is going to keep catching feelings??? Duh

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

This post deserves a hand clap. If their goals for the relationship are not the same and he has made it clear early on, she has her answer and she can leave him alone and find another man that shares the same goals as her.

Head first heart second. OP listen to that man! Save yourself the disappointment later on. There are more men out there!