Advice for co-worker re IR relationship

[ladybug71]

I came into work w/this long e-mail from a co-worker/friend (white). She is dating a black dude, but her and I are cool. After reading her e-mail, my first reaction was to advise her to tell mom to kiss "it", but I want to try and be respectful :wink2: Before I start spouting off and say something I might regret later on, my LHCF sis's immediately came into my head (I still have to work with her and she has helped me out on many occassion @work). Any advice for ME on how to advise HER. What would you say if this were in my sitceechation? Thx ladies! Oh and she sent it to me and another co-worker (white) but I totally didn't care for her advice I believe she is more waiting to hear what I have to say as she prolly didn't want to feel she was singling (sp?) me out since I am black and sent it to both of us. Lawd!



"I could really use some advice on how to talk to my mom about the fact that she is completely incompetent when it comes to culture differences. I know that she doesn't mean any harm, but she is very unaccepting of differing viewpoints and has racist tendancies and cannot see it in herself AT ALL.

As you both know, I am dating a man outside of my race and religious background. Jovan was raised Jehovah's Witness. He has said that, although he does not want to participate in the gift giving/receiving part of our holiday celebration, he would be happy to come over after we are done with that and spend time with the family in the evening. When I mentioned this to my mom she said that it would make her far too uncomfortable if he did that. She said that she would want to give him the gifts that she has gotten for him and she wants him to celebrate with us. I tried to explain to her that he was coming to to celebrate with us, and is trying to make a compromise so that we both feel comfortable. He and I are both happy with that decision. Well, she burst in to tears saying that it would ruin Christmas and that she will feel pressured to hurry up with our celebration so I can get home to him and that I will feel empty all day knowing that he wasn't there. I tried to explain to her that when we got together I made the decision to be with him knowing exactly what that meant when it came to the holidays and that I am completely fine with it, and that I won't be in a hurry to get home to him. I get to see him every single day. We live together.

Anyway, I could give to a million examples of things she has said, but this would turn in to a major novel. However, to sum it up, she is being completely unrealistic and not even trying to understand his (and his family's) religious beliefs. She has even asked me to ask them to participate in an activity she has for Christmas Eve, saying that we can change the name to something non-religious to make them feel more comfortable...not realizing that it is still inappropriate, and gets mad at me when I tell her so. She even made a comment that we could tell Jovan's dad that we need him to come because "having a big black man with us would make us look like we fit in better." (She wants to go pass out stockings filled with things to the homeless on Christmas Eve.) When I pretty much freaked out over that comment she said that she was just joking and that if that bothered them they were being too sensitive because she didn't mean it like that and I should know she "isn't like that."

She says things like she is color blind and that the only person she saw as "black" was my abusive ex-boyfriend. WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?? I am really upset because she just truly doesn't get it and gets mad at me for trying to explain it to her. I really want her to have a good relationship with Jovan, but if she continues like this it will only get harder. I mean...I am going to have children with this man. I can't have their grandmother making comments like that around them! I need help. What do I do to mediate this situation? Jovan is being great about it and understanding, but I know that it bothers him and I don't blame him one bit. What do I do? Thank you for any thoughts you have..."

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

JWs take their beliefs very seriously and mom needs to respect that. Although she says and does off-color things, she just has a really screwed up viewpoint and is nothing but defensive, while on the offensive... I think the daughter's doing the best she can.

 

[jamaraa]

Anyboy that claims they are "colorblind" are mad, bad, AND dangerous to know. Did I forget to mention a liar?

There's nothing she can do about her mother's attitudes. If she wants him, she'll have to go her own way on this one. Nobody can make up her mind for her.

Her mother's opinions can change, esp if grandkids are involved, but don't count on it. If she's overly concerned about how others feel on the matter of his race (he ain't getting no whiter! ) she should do herself and him a favor and call it quits. It's only gonna get more complicated when/if they have kids.

 

[MD_Lady]

IMO, your co-worker has done a good job of being honest with her mother and herself. Even though she's told her mother how she feels, she has to realize that only the mother can change her beliefs and behavior. It sounds like Jovan is very tolerant and has done his part to compromise and, for this reason, it would be unfair to him to force him to grin and bear it while her mother is willfully ignorant. I think she needs to continue to be honest with her mother, but understand that keeping peace in her (future) marriage and family and maintaining her current relationship with her mother will not be possible. If a wedge is driven between her and her mother, your co-worker should know that her mother (through her unwillingness to change her views) was ultimately responsible and should not blame herself.

 

[ladybug71]

Oh and here is my other co-worker's response. I mean, in a way I get what she is saying about she can't change the way mama's feels and all that, but I guess to me it came off as "accepting" this treatment and just irritated me for some reason. Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should... .

"I don't know what you can do. You aren't going to change the way she thinks and feels. All you can do is love her for her and realize that is who she is. It is hard to uderstand different people and different religions sometimes. I'm sure she's not trying to be mean or hateful; I think she is just trying to include him in your family's holiday festivities. I don't think she's doing it to spite him or be ignorant to his religious beliefs. I think that if you are going to spend your life with this man, you will just have to accept the way your mom feels and just keep giving her gentle reminders without being mad at her for it."

 

[Rastafarai]

Her mother's opinions can change, esp if grandkids are involved, but don't count on it. If she's overly concerned about how others feel on the matter of his race (he ain't getting no whiter! ) she should do herself and him a favor and call it quits. It's only gonna get more complicated when/if they have kids.

That's the honest truth.

As a child I grew up in the JW faith and I'm surprised Jovan is dating/contemplating marriage outside the religion. That's a huge "no-no" and often leads to many marital/relationship problems for those not sharing the same faith.

Perhaps she should consider converting, especially seeing how she is living with the man.

 

[NYAmicas]

What does she want you to do? Wave a colored wand to make the mother more understanding? Seriously, she seems set and decided on her love for Jovan so there really is nothing she can do aside from continuing to respect his religion and hoping her mother will mature.

 

[MD_Lady]

Oh and here is my other co-worker's response. I mean, in a way I get what she is saying about she can't change the way mama's feels and all that, but I guess to me it came off as "accepting" this treatment and just irritated me for some reason. Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should... .

"I don't know what you can do. You aren't going to change the way she thinks and feels. All you can do is love her for her and realize that is who she is. It is hard to uderstand different people and different religions sometimes. I'm sure she's not trying to be mean or hateful; I think she is just trying to include him in your family's holiday festivities. I don't think she's doing it to spite him or be ignorant to his religious beliefs. I think that if you are going to spend your life with this man, you will just have to accept the way your mom feels and just keep giving her gentle reminders without being mad at her for it."

erplexed Your other co-worker is walking around with her head up her hindparts. She knows good and darn well this woman's mother has an issue with her daughter dating (and marrying) a black Jehovah's Witness and would rather act an arse than respect her own daughter. It's a darn shame really.

 

[ladybug71]

What does she want you to do? Wave a colored wand to make the mother more understanding? Seriously, she seems set and decided on her love for Jovan so there really is nothing she can do aside from continuing to respect his religion and hoping her mother will mature.

Yep, she is definitely staying w/dude despite how mom feels. I guess she is moreso looking on ways as to how to "handle" moms when she starts popping off.

Hell, personally my first inclination when replying was to tell her to limit contact/keep mom at a distance, but that probably wouldn't solve anything. Honestly, it sounds as though moms may be a little off mentally...

 

[panama_princess6]

I thought JW couldn't date anyone that doesnt attend the Kingdom Hall? I may be mistaken.

I think your co worker and her boyfriend are going above and beyond. Probably doing a lot more than I would do. If I was Jovan I wouldn't even go around that ignorance, so maybe he shouldn't even go.

 

[NYAmicas]

Yep, she is definitely staying w/dude despite how mom feels. I guess she is moreso looking on ways as to how to "handle" moms when she starts popping off.

Hell, personally my first inclination when replying was to tell her to limit contact/keep mom at a distance, but that probably wouldn't solve anything. Honestly, it sounds as though moms may be a little off mentally...

I got that too ladybug because she sure sounds emotional or uber lonely. Maybe she needs a blackman in her life too.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Honestly, the best decision is for him not to go.

Christmas is meaningless to him and it will probably be ruined for the co-worker if he's there and the mother acts up.

And you already know her mama is go ack up. She knew he was a JW and bought him Christmas presents anyway. I shudder at what she bought the big black man, but that's another thread.

If these two were married I'd say that the co-worker should throw out an ultimatum for mother as to how things were going to go down, but I don't think that boyfriends are worthy of disrupting immediate family stuff.

 

[Avaya]

That's the honest truth.

As a child I grew up in the JW faith and I'm surprised Jovan is dating/contemplating marriage outside the religion. That's a huge "no-no" and often leads to many marital/relationship problems for those not sharing the same faith.

Perhaps she should consider converting, especially seeing how she is living with the man.

If Jovan is shacking up, he ain't no Witness; his family is. There is no such thing as a "non practicing Jehovah's Witness." Either you are or you aren't.

He should go ahead and get his Christmas on. He ain't winning no points with no body saying "no" to Christmas but "yes" to unmarried pooty tang .

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Some people take holidays to heart the way some people take their religion to heart...at some point if she wants her mom to have a relationship with him...she will have to sit her mom down have a serious conversation...one of those "don't talk just listen"s and setup some boundaries in regards to her husband. She has to draw the line...because not saying anything and to allow her to continue to make the comments is nothing short of disrespecting both of them and their relationship

 

[mscocoface]

There is no easy answer on this one. Either way someone is going to be hurt or insulted.

She needs to realize if she chooses this man in order to keep some peace their may be some distance with her mom. Or vice versa.

She will need to be very honest with herself and determine if she wants to deal with this from now on because I don't see either backing down.

Does she want this in her life?
How will she and this man if they marry deal with holidays
Where will they get married
How will they raise their children
Has he introduced her to HIS side of the family and their beliefs yet.

This is only going to get worse before it gets better.

 

[jamaraa]

mscocoface you summed it right up, straight...no chaser. This is a crossroads for them...the time for her to choose is now. If she goes further and marries him, there's no going back from whatever outcomes that are sure to come, kids for starters.

This woman hasn't seriously considered possible outcomes for a more serious involvement and neither has he it seem, iMHO.

 

[ladybug71]

I got that too ladybug because she sure sounds emotional or uber lonely. Maybe she needs a blackman in her life too.

LMAO!! I certainly wouldn't doubt it. I think you are onto something there...

You ladies are great! I love LHCF! I can get hair advice, comedic relief and therapy advice all in one location for a great, low price. I appreciate all your replies. Honestly, I feel for the girl being put in between a rock and a hard place with her man and her mom, I was trying not to immediately jump off with a negative reaction, glad I came here instead of hitting "send".

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I wouldn't like it if a friend of mine posted my personal email to her on a global forum like this....

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I wouldn't like it if a friend of mine posted my personal email to her on a global forum like this....

no ma'am...did you just type that?....

I guess it depends on how close of friends ya'll are......but you do have a point...I don't care how like family ya'll become IR situations or examples I give on here I change up just like a writer to protect one's confidentiality. I will give a similar situation but not an exact one so that if someone happens to know my someone that no feelings are hurt because I shared a private moment

*got me thinking...how many people done fought cause they had some "net drama"...

 

[ladybug71]

I wouldn't like it if a friend of mine posted my personal email to her on a global forum like this....

I actually just relayed to ol' girl that I was getting advice from others online. She did not mind. Actually, with her, the fact that I am getting advice from AA women, I think she is VERY cool with it. Knowing her the way I do, she is an open book and will share info with just about anyone, I guess it depends on the person.

 

[jada1111]

I came into work w/this long e-mail from a co-worker/friend (white). She is dating a black dude, but her and I are cool. After reading her e-mail, my first reaction was to advise her to tell mom to kiss "it", but I want to try and be respectful :wink2: Before I start spouting off and say something I might regret later on, my LHCF sis's immediately came into my head (I still have to work with her and she has helped me out on many occassion @work). Any advice for ME on how to advise HER. What would you say if this were in my sitceechation? Thx ladies! Oh and she sent it to me and another co-worker (white) but I totally didn't care for her advice I believe she is more waiting to hear what I have to say as she prolly didn't want to feel she was singling (sp?) me out since I am black and sent it to both of us. Lawd!



She says things like she is color blind and that the only person she saw as "black" was my abusive ex-boyfriend. WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?? I am really upset because she just truly doesn't get it and gets mad at me for trying to explain it to her. I really want her to have a good relationship with Jovan, but if she continues like this it will only get harder. I mean...I am going to have children with this man. I can't have their grandmother making comments like that around them! I need help. What do I do to mediate this situation? Jovan is being great about it and understanding, but I know that it bothers him and I don't blame him one bit. What do I do? Thank you for any thoughts you have..."

I'm sorry, I know it's not funny, but I busted out laughing when I read the bolded.

So, in mama's eyes only black men beat their women.

Your friend's going to have to deal with the fact that she has one of those mother's that's embarassing. I don't believe she means any harm, but doesn't know how to act in awkward situations.

 

[Xavier]

If Jovan is shaking up, he ain't no Witnesses; his family is. There is no such thing as a "non practicing Jehovah's Witness." Either you are or you aren't.

He should go ahead and get his Christmas on. He ain't winning no points with no body saying "no" to Christmas but "yes" to unmarried pooty tang .

That right there tickled me.