A little help with Caucasians please....

[Foufie]

Now, this is an interesting issue for me because I have recently (past few months) started wearing wigs and I am considering trying a weave.

Not just European-ancestry people ask me about my hair. I work with several South Asians and East Asians, as well as a Black American woman who, as far as I can tell, has had the same simple, permed style and length (shoulder) for several years. I don't know how familiar the latter is with the diversity of fake hair options (wigs, half wigs, weaves, phony buns/ponies, clip in extensions) out there.

My hair is a always a topic of discussion. "Oh, did you cut your hair?" (me: no, I just wore it curly, so it looks shorter); "Oh, how'd you get your hair to wave like that?" (it was a wig, BTW, but I didn't tell them).

I find myself not very happy with the constant commentary. I wish I could just express my hair creativity without having to always explain it. I'm not angry about it, but I will admit that the desire to avoid constant scrutiny and group discussions about my latest hair style or wig is becoming somewhat of a deterrant/hamper.

Yes it is like my hair is always the topic of discussion, rather its dyed or whatever. Men and women alike. And definitely the bolded. I really don't mind explaining to people who have a geniune question.

 

[Foufie]

and then people wonder why black women are always angry at them...

I used to have no problem going ham on ****, but then I was "the girl with the bad attitude". And I just tried to ignore people and not let them get me all flustered and out my character (I am a pretty happy chic). So I would ignore or just breathe before I cursed them 8 ways from sunday. It seems that is all they understand.

 

[Foufie]

I can not wait to report back to this thread after I ask someone "do you ask every women that" or "have you gained weight, you look different" LMAO That is going to be fun-ny!

 

[Stiletto_Diva]

I have been asked about my hair numorous types at work. I don't have a problem with it because I've know a few of them since I was bout 3 years old. Like the previous poster said, there is a difference between being curious and being rude.

One day I was in my boss's office and we were discussing america's next top model (instead of working). After we dicussed the show she kind of got uncomfortable and the following conversation happened

Boss: can I ask you something?
Me: uh, sure
Boss: What exactly is a weave? Because on the show one of the models got mad that the camera was on her without her weave.
Me: (laughing i tell her what a weave is)
Boss: oh, okay

About a year later I came to work with a long weave in. Conversation goes as follows:

Boss: I really like your hair it's so different
Me: Thanks I needed something new
Boss: (she gets uncomfortable) so, is this a weave?
Me: Yeah (It was 14in long from my 3in twa)
Boss: Sooooo I'm still kind of confused. exactly how is it done?

I explain it and even offer to show her my tracks and how they are sewn in lol. I didn't care and it was in the privacy of her office. She seemed truly interested and I could tell she wasn't trying to be mean or nasty. She was truly confused I think sometimes people are just intriuged by our hair because we can do so many different styles. But I agree that there is a right way and a wrong way to approach someone.

Just this past summer I started wearing a wig that is really short. I got tons of compliments on it and was asked if I got a hair cut. I had no problem telling my co-workers that I didn't cut my hair and that it was a wig. They all said it looked really natural and left it at that. There is one lady at work (white woman) that always says "Oh I really like your new wig" whenever I wear a new one, but she wears wigs too and I say the same thing to her when she wears a new wig

 

[southerncitygirl]

You should be like:
Is your *** really that flat?
Are those your real bobbies cause they look fake?
Gosh your face looks so smooth, is that botox?
Is that your real hair color?
Why is your hair so oily and stringy?
Why does it matter to you what I do to my hair?


I bet all of these would shut their A@#es up with the quickness!!! White folks aggravate the hell outta me, its one thing to be curious but its another to over step boundaries and be friggin disrespectful.

 

[testimony777]

My thing is this: They don't do this to each other. I know they definitely wear extensions a lot, granted, probably not as often as black people, but it is common place among yt people. So, what gives them the right to do this when it's a black person? Why is it ok to them to ask such a question, even though it would be considered a rude thing to do if the OP had been white.

This boggles my mind as well. I have no idea why many White people once they feel some level of comfort with you will all of a sudden forget basic rules of social interaction (but only when they interact with you).

One strategy I have used is to (in a light hearted way) turn the tables on them. I start asking them questions about their hair for example: if their hair color is real; why more White women don't wear their natural color; whether they have to wash their hair everyday; what happens when they don't; etc. I will often follow my barrage of questions with an explanation of why their behavior was inappropriate.

Turning the tables helps them to see how it feels so that when you explain the issue you have with their behavior they don't walk away thinking you are just an overly sensitive Black woman.

 

[Heavenly]

Cauc: Now is this your real hair?
You: Why, are we going to make out later?

Some Caucs are tactless. But the same could be said for other groups.

OP, water off a duck's back. Keep it moving.

 

[FeelinIt]

Next time they ask you that, just respond back by saying....loudly

Do the drapes Match the Carpet?

 

[wild curls raquelle]

I like to respond with maybe 'is that your hair?'

 

[virtuenow]

The problem is I wear my hair in a kazillion different styles and one day it may be short and one day I have braids down to my hiney or a weave or whatever. They are quite bold but I don't mind answering questions about it was done and what not. However I do have a problem when they just beak out all loud and what not with "Now is this your real hair?" I mean WTF. What difference does it make number one and number two did you have to ask loud enough for everyone to around and wait for an answer. How effin rude! I mean obviously it is not seeing as how I grew 14" of hair over night. Today I have my hair in a twist out, so its short. Been wearing it this way for a week or so and this woman asks me about it from half way up the corridor. I kindly whispered back "Yes this is my real hair". She answers "Oh okay, cause I know when you have the braids its not".

Ya'll I am so tired of these types of conversations, how do I counter them? I just don't want the whole world to be all up in my scalp.

I haven't read anyone's responses yet, but I stick to a standard of mystery. I never discuss my hair w/people like that. Just smile and keep on moving. It keeps things interesting and keeps them guessing. Furthermore, I believe a lady is always discreet. Especially with matters of the hair!

 

[CurlyMoo]

Make no response. I guarantee you if you ask them a simple question they don't feel like answering they will just out right ignore you. I have had this happen to me on numerous occassions by Asian and White women. I would ask a question confirming something and many seemed to not like that for some reason. They would just ignore me which I find rude.

Some are very crafty with their attempts to embarrass you, they will start out with a compliment, "Oh your hair is nice like that." then drive in with ((((((IS. THAT. YOUR. REAL. HAIR?????))))))

My advice would be to respond with a thank you to the compliments but out right turn away and ignore the intrusive comments or questions. Or you could answer the intrusive, rebald remarks with a change in subject. Remember this is the work place so you want to always appear as ladylike and as professional as possible. Let them look the fool. If they corner you then by all means counter it with,"
Why do you want to know that?" or "Why do you ask questions like that? It's kind of rude."

 

[Mizz Diamonds]

Ask them about their clothes, their tan, their body parts anything to make them feel uncomfortable.

"is that tan real?"
"Is that a real gucci?"
"Are you wearing a gurdle, I knew it because your flab was hanging out the other day."

 

[mstar]

These questions are so passive-aggressive, rude and tactless...it kind of blows my mind.

 

[Mitey Cyrus]

Get passive aggressive back.

Person: Is that your real hair?
Me: Yes (I don't wear fake hair so this would be the truth). I'm not sure where you grew up, but FYI, most circles consider grooming questions to be rude. I wouldn't want you to make a bad impression on the wrong person (say this in a soft, concerned tone with a pleasant smile on your face).

See, on the surface your response is "helpful" because you're just trying to give them the heads up on what's appropriate conversation. But you just basically called them a classless douche with no home training who's likely to put their foot in their mouth

 

[Foufie]

oh and BTW ladies, my title says caucasians because they are the only ones that do this to me at work. Everyone is like, "I like your hair" or "You are always doing neat things".

S/N: I tried to explain what happened yesterday to my hubby and he was clueless. I was quite surprised or he was too involved in setting up his new 55" TV. Maybe be it was the latter......

 

[FluffyRed]

Get passive aggressive back.

Person: Is that your real hair?
Me: Yes (I don't wear fake hair so this would be the truth). I'm not sure where you grew up, but FYI, most circles consider grooming questions to be rude. I wouldn't want you to make a bad impression on the wrong person (say this in a soft, concerned tone with a pleasant smile on your face).

See, on the surface your response is "helpful" because you're just trying to give them the heads up on what's appropriate conversation. But you just basically called them a classless douche with no home training who's likely to put their foot in their mouth

MEMORIZING THIS! I have a lot of applications for this one. Also, "Why, are we making out later?"

 

[Kiynwah]

Make no response. I guarantee you if you ask them a simple question they don't feel like answering they will just out right ignore you. I have had this happen to me on numerous occassions by Asian and White women. I would ask a question confirming something and many seemed to not like that for some reason. They would just ignore me which I find rude.

Some are very crafty with their attempts to embarrass you, they will start out with a compliment, "Oh your hair is nice like that." then drive in with ((((((IS. THAT. YOUR. REAL. HAIR?????))))))

I KNOW! I have found many white women who think it is OK to ignore a question. I KNOW they heard what you said, they just don't feel any pressure to respond. I am going to start using that technique.

OR respond with:
"Why do you ask?"
"Why are you so incredibly curious about my hair?"
"Do you ask everyone about their hair?"
"Is that YOUR real hair or did you dye it?"

or just plain silence.

 

[Jenibo]

I've encountered this too. I'm so used to it that i just answer yes or no, even though i do find it rude. I will start using some of these tactics, seeing as i just started a job with beckys galore...

 

[YankeeCandle]

Clearly these folks are bonding over this issue.

YES, you are right--they are definitely bonding! It sounds like a joke, but it's quite true.

I am the only person in my division/department who does anything "creative" with her hair. As I mentioned, the one other African-ancestry woman maintains a very simple shoulder-length perm, no headbands, clips, or other trinkets. I am fairly sure she was like I was a year ago: clueless about the marvelous variety of fake hair options and enhancements out there. Put that together with the (Native American-ancestry) Hispanics, Euros, East Asians, and South Asians in the department, and you have a group of very different people who are united by one thing: their lack of knowledge about all the diverse styles I keep visually delighting them with!

I do feel, however, that there is a difference between curiosity and rudeness. And trust me, they know the exact difference too... I really don't mind explaining to people who have a geniune question.

Very true, I completely agree.

I don't feel anger because I am almost positive these people aren't trying to be "bold" lachen as you so colorfully put it ! They have a good relationship with me and we all like each other very much, so I think they think "now is my chance to find out stuff about African-origin hair!! Woo-hoo!!" Little do they know that I am no expert myself and, not only that African hair is very diverse in its patterns and textures and mine is not representative of all, but that I'm just muddling my way through, trying things out and seeing what works for my own hair.

Boss: What exactly is a weave? Because on the show one of the models got mad that the camera was on her without her weave.
Me: (laughing i tell her what a weave is)
Boss: oh, okay

...

I think sometimes people are just intriuged by our hair because we can do so many different styles. But I agree that there is a right way and a wrong way to approach someone.

LOL to the conversation with with your boss. But I would have been as confused as her a while back. I grew up totally oblivious to weaves. But even back in my ignorant days, I would NEVER go up to someone who looked like their hair grew overnight and be like "can you explain that for me?"

As to the bolded, I agree. As I entered high school and college and lived more closely with European and Asian-ancestry women (and saw their morning hair rituals--I had *NO* idea many of them blow-dry their mildly wavy hair straight!) I started valuing my Scary Spice-ish hair for the many things it could do that looser and straight patterns could not. And then as more years went on, I started envying the more tightly-patterned and cottony 4+ textures for their ultimate potential for versatility!

But again, asking people is just cringe-worthy.

Honestly, my co-workers stand around the conference room discussing my hair while we're waiting for the meeting to begin! I know they're not meanin harm to me, but WTH?? erplexed

One time, I said to a man with long blonde hair who asked me why my hair looked shorter: "Oh, my hair changes a lot depending on the season, time of day, recentness of wash, etc." He looked even more perplexed but I was secretly over my characterization of my hair as a sentient being with its own power to spontaneously change iteself.

Then I turned right around and said: "So, are you going to leave your hair loose when you do X or do you have to pull it back in a ponytail to look more 'professional?'" To his credit, he graciously answered my questions. That and the fact that he's a very nice man tell me he was only expressing curiosity towards me.