32 years old, overweight, and loses everything I love..

MDreamz

MDreamz

New Member
Not to sound like a emotional train wreck but I feel like love is just not in the cards for me. I have tried to find love and each time I end up a "homegirl" or just straight up hurt. I broke up with my ex in 2009. We were together for 10 years and we have managed to remain friends. He has moved on and dated other women but I have not. All I do is work, go to school 5 days a week and spend my weekends in the housing watching people through my window have fun. Lately my ex and I have been spending time with each other that often involves holding hands, lots of kissing, and hugging. Now I know we are not in a relationship and he has told me that he doesn't want a relationship. But he treats me like a queen! That has left me confused and crying constantly because he has now become the ideal boyfriend but he doesn't want a relationship. Should I cut off all ties with him. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what to do. When he's around I'm happy. We talk everyday. We even end the evenings on the phone. Please help me before I go insane....

Signed Dangerously in love
 
I'm going to lay it down on the table. Stop saying you're overweight. That is not the issue unless he mentioned it as a reason you are not together. Most importantly, if you are marriage-bound, NEVER date a man for more than 1-2 years. He is wasting your time. 10 years of "dating" is horrible, IMHO. If he doesn't know within the first several months that you're the one, he is never going to make you the one. At this point, having broken off with you, moved onto to somebody else and now is being physical with you again means you're on a string. He cannot commit, to you, at least. Move on and break it off finally. Life is not over. It's just not going to be with him. Find yourself!!! Find yourself!!! Find yourself!!! Because without YOU, it's never going to be right. Hugs to you.
 
Girl you have way too much life ahead of you to throw in the towel! And you have not lost everything you love. Like that quote from the movie Beloved...YOU are your best thing...

First off, you know what you need to do. You need to end all contact with the ex. He's made it clear he's not interested in a serious relationship with you and continuing to hang out with him will only keep you in a dangerous state of limbo....unsatisfied with what's going on between the two of you and unable to move on. I know it's hard....I've been there...but you know it needs to be done, sooner rather then later.

Next, women of all sizes can find love, but if your weight bothers you and undermines your self esteem there's lots you can do to address that. Rather then watching life pass you by outside your window join a gym, take a dance class, pick up tennis, or just go for a walk. You'll be surprised at how a little physical activity will pick up your mood.

It also sounds like your life is pretty full with obligations like work and school, but you can and need to add some fun in your life. Even if it's just one activity a week that you do for you, it will lift your spirits. Better still if that activity helps you create positive friendships.

This loneliness is perfectly normal given your situation, but it's a season in your life not the roadmap to your future. Now is the perfect time to start thinking about what you want in your life and taking steps towards bringing that in. Seems like you are already doing that with your education but your personal life may need more attention. Even baby steps towards what you want will add up to big leaps in the future.

:bighug:

Now log off and go tell that ex you can't be dealing with him any more :yep:
 
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MDreamz said:
When he's around I'm happy.
Click to expand...

You need to be the source of your own happiness. You need to build a life outside of your ex and find your joy in YOU. Force yourself to go out, even if its just to the movies or dinner by your lonesome. Find things to do outside of work and school. Volunteer, partake in a marathon or walkathon, go shopping, meet and laugh with close friends or relatives, and do like your ex and start dating.

This is YOUR life and you need to reclaim it. That starts by cutting all ties with the ex. You know that saying ..."never make someone a priority who only views you as an option...". Well girlfriend, you ain't even an option for ol' boy. You need to cut that in a quickness. It will hurt for now but I promise it will get better with each passing day.

(((BIG HUG))) to you.
 
Thanks ladies. I am taking this all in and I am going to try my best to get away from him. I do hide behind my weight and I guess I let it fool me into thinking this is the best I can get. I am going to try to let go.
 
All the advice you been given is correct.This guy is wasting your time. You really can't fault him because he makes it a point to remind you, that it's not a relationship. You deserve better then just becoming someonehe pass time with or option B. I honestly do see how he can be such a great guy or how he treats you like a queen when he is clearly toying with you and your feelings.You need to define you find out what you like and develope your social skills.watching people and time past will leave you depress. You already stated you use your weight as an excuse, obviously its your own issue work on losing the weight to build your self esteem.
 
You and I have very similar situations. I am in my 30s and alone, too. However, I gave a man 12 years of my life. He never was going to marry me. I let him back in my life after we had broken up and he had moved another woman into his house. I ended up pregnant, left and heartbroken.

All I can say is cut all ties and untangle yourself from him emotionally. Right now, he is pulling the strings and has you in the "optional until something better comes along" category. He has already made this clear, so believe it, for your sake.

You will grieve, but don't allow yourself to wallow. We were in relationships that lasted longer than most marriages. People are hard up to empathize with a woman who is going through the same grieving process after a long-term relationship as after a divorce. To some, we let ourselves be used up without getting a ring on it.

The other ladies here are right. Find yourself again and you will start to remember all the qualities that you have to offer a man. And weight is only a problem if you make it one (unless you are obese, slovenly, etc, which is not what you indicated).

I am eating right, exercising and feeling good about myself. I have developed a love for writing again and a new love for organic gardening. There is a man out there who will think that I am cool, funny, talented, ambitious and worthy of marriage because that is what I am focusing on.
I wish the same for you.
 
First, you need to be happy in whatever situation you find yourself in. If it's not a good situation, find the lesson in it, be happy with that new found knowledge and move on. Find contentment where you stand right now, in your life. Most times there is something you need to learn about yourself before you can move forward, when we don't, that's when you stay in the same "space" year after year, or in the same situations because you end up repeating the same behavior.

Second, I would grill the ex on what his intentions are with you. Why is he hanging around, what's the purpose. Once you find out, you can make an informed decision whether you want to keep fooling with him, or not. Get all the information you need to do what you want to do. Don't be his plaything until somebody else comes along and he drops out of sight.

Use this time to get to know yourself.

If your weight is an issue for you, do something about it.
 
Thanks ladies. I have to learn how to focus more on myself and making myself happy. I am going to back away from him. To Ozma, thank you so much for sharing that with me. It seems that was the path I was about end up in. You are right, he has no intention of marrying me he just wants to use me up until what he wants comes along. But God doesn't not like ugly, he is being thrown out of his basement apartment in less than 5 days. I know I can't fix a man or change him so I will let go and let God send my husband to me. Thank you so much ladies, y'all are the best.
 
Ask yourself did you really lose everything you loved? No. If anything you have the opportunity to regain self respect back and improve your self esteem. This man did you a favor by letting go of the relationship. He has played with your feelings and wasted valuable years of your reproductive life. I was where you were at. I wasted five years of my life that I can't get back with my ex who was wishy washy when it came to marriage, disrespectful to me at times, and generally didn't want to be in a true relationship. I would break things off with him and in a matter of several months he would be calling me again to see if we could work things out because he had changed. Stupidly I kept going back until I realized that I continued to be unhappy with him and his ever changing ways. It took me feeling miserable about my own situation and seeing just how my other friends had meaningful relationships that I knew I deserved and could attain so much more in my life if I just let this fool leave for good.

Move on with your life. Don't try to be his friend or accept any of his calls, texts, emails etc. Your primary concern is you and improving your emotional health and well-being. In hingsight I would never spend more than a year of my life with a man without a positive goal of marriage if I so desired to have it. I date a lot smarter now.
 
Last edited:
Natchitoches said:
I'm going to lay it down on the table. Stop saying you're overweight. That is not the issue unless he mentioned it as a reason you are not together. Most importantly, if you are marriage-bound, NEVER date a man for more than 1-2 years. He is wasting your time. 10 years of "dating" is horrible, IMHO. If he doesn't know within the first several months that you're the one, he is never going to make you the one. At this point, having broken off with you, moved onto to somebody else and now is being physical with you again means you're on a string. He cannot commit, to you, at least. Move on and break it off finally. Life is not over. It's just not going to be with him. Find yourself!!! Find yourself!!! Find yourself!!! Because without YOU, it's never going to be right. Hugs to you.
Click to expand...


Wow ....signing up for your help immediately...your no nonsense dr. Phil approach can whip my arse into shape some proper!
at least i hope:look:
 
MDreamz said:
Thanks ladies. I have to learn how to focus more on myself and making myself happy. I am going to back away from him. To Ozma, thank you so much for sharing that with me. It seems that was the path I was about end up in. You are right, he has no intention of marrying me he just wants to use me up until what he wants comes along. But God doesn't not like ugly, he is being thrown out of his basement apartment in less than 5 days. I know I can't fix a man or change him so I will let go and let God send my husband to me. Thank you so much ladies, y'all are the best.
Click to expand...

Not saying you will, but do not let this man stay with you either :nono: He's using you and you deserve better than that. 10 years is too dang long to be sitting around waiting on someone. He's wasted enough of your time. He's being all gentlemanly because he wants to keep you an option. If you're not his priority....drop him. Ya'll can be friends...but from a distance.
 
Question:

Why would you want to further entangle yourself with someone who strung you along for 10 years without making a commitment to you?
 
Be realistic, but focus on your positives. Say "I'm 32, with a beautiful face, and a lot of love to give." Work on your weight issue, but don't let it "weigh" you down.
 
Mos def not letting him stay with me, I have my own problems. I don't know why it's so hard to let him go. I guess my low self esteem has convinced me that he would be the only man who would give me the time of day. I'm going to keep my distance. I haven't called or text him today. He's most likely going to call me when he gets off from work (He's been put on probation because of the daily convo's he makes to me on the job). I am going to turn my phone off and restrain myself from calling him in the morning. All of you are right. I'm so stupid for sticking by his side for so long hoping and wishing he would see me as potential. I have started reading Steve Harvey's book and I see that I have found myself in the throwback category. I am a good person, not vain and enjoy the simple things in life. I just want a man that will love me for me.
 
Wow, I missed the 10 years part. Never allow yourself to be just a girlfriend for 10 years, ladies. :naughty: 10 years, what in the world? :nono:
 
Your perception about your life is a little skewed by some of the choices you have made and situations you settled with.

Others have said what it will take to get you on the right path, now the question is are you going to change your perception and the choices you make in order to get what you want.

Hugs to you. Remember nothing to it but to do it.
 
If your weight is somthing that bothers you, I think you should start working out. You're probably not as overweight as you think, but it's a starting point and the easiest way to change your atmosphere and outlook right now. If anything, it will get you out of the house and better your lifestyle a bit. Sounds like you just need a life outside of this dude and outside of worrying about ur singledom.

Try that for a month and see what's up.
 
Please go through whatever pain you need to to end all ties with this person. It's so much easier to get the temporary fix from him, especially after you feel like you have invested so much time & he's comfortable for you - a known entity, but it brings so much more pain in the long run. You can run yourself ragged worrying about who he's spending time with & why he's been able to move on so easily. You are so open and vulnerable right now that you are open to being taken advantage of by your ex. In a way, you don't really know what's available to you because you haven't cleared your space yet. He still occupies our heart, mind, your time & your physical space.
 
I love your post!!! love it!!!!!!


Ozma said:
You and I have very similar situations. I am in my 30s and alone, too. However, I gave a man 12 years of my life. He never was going to marry me. I let him back in my life after we had broken up and he had moved another woman into his house. I ended up pregnant, left and heartbroken.

All I can say is cut all ties and untangle yourself from him emotionally. Right now, he is pulling the strings and has you in the "optional until something better comes along" category. He has already made this clear, so believe it, for your sake.

You will grieve, but don't allow yourself to wallow. We were in relationships that lasted longer than most marriages. People are hard up to empathize with a woman who is going through the same grieving process after a long-term relationship as after a divorce. To some, we let ourselves be used up without getting a ring on it.

The other ladies here are right. Find yourself again and you will start to remember all the qualities that you have to offer a man. And weight is only a problem if you make it one (unless you are obese, slovenly, etc, which is not what you indicated).

I am eating right, exercising and feeling good about myself. I have developed a love for writing again and a new love for organic gardening. There is a man out there who will think that I am cool, funny, talented, ambitious and worthy of marriage because that is what I am focusing on.
I wish the same for you.
Click to expand...
 
Love it. We have so many gems in here.

ambergirl said:
Girl you have way too much life ahead of you to throw in the towel! And you have not lost everything you love. Like that quote from the movie Beloved...YOU are your best thing...

First off, you know what you need to do. You need to end all contact with the ex. He's made it clear he's not interested in a serious relationship with you and continuing to hang out with him will only keep you in a dangerous state of limbo....unsatisfied with what's going on between the two of you and unable to move on. I know it's hard....I've been there...but you know it needs to be done, sooner rather then later.

Next, women of all sizes can find love, but if your weight bothers you and undermines your self esteem there's lots you can do to address that. Rather then watching life pass you by outside your window join a gym, take a dance class, pick up tennis, or just go for a walk. You'll be surprised at how a little physical activity will pick up your mood.

It also sounds like your life is pretty full with obligations like work and school, but you can and need to add some fun in your life. Even if it's just one activity a week that you do for you, it will lift your spirits. Better still if that activity helps you create positive friendships.

This loneliness is perfectly normal given your situation, but it's a season in your life not the roadmap to your future. Now is the perfect time to start thinking about what you want in your life and taking steps towards bringing that in. Seems like you are already doing that with your education but your personal life may need more attention. Even baby steps towards what you want will add up to big leaps in the future.

:bighug:

Now log off and go tell that ex you can't be dealing with him any more :yep:
Click to expand...
 
Ozma said:
You and I have very similar situations. I am in my 30s and alone, too. However, I gave a man 12 years of my life. He never was going to marry me. I let him back in my life after we had broken up and he had moved another woman into his house. I ended up pregnant, left and heartbroken.

All I can say is cut all ties and untangle yourself from him emotionally. Right now, he is pulling the strings and has you in the "optional until something better comes along" category. He has already made this clear, so believe it, for your sake.

You will grieve, but don't allow yourself to wallow. We were in relationships that lasted longer than most marriages. People are hard up to empathize with a woman who is going through the same grieving process after a long-term relationship as after a divorce. To some, we let ourselves be used up without getting a ring on it.

The other ladies here are right. Find yourself again and you will start to remember all the qualities that you have to offer a man. And weight is only a problem if you make it one (unless you are obese, slovenly, etc, which is not what you indicated).

I am eating right, exercising and feeling good about myself. I have developed a love for writing again and a new love for organic gardening. There is a man out there who will think that I am cool, funny, talented, ambitious and worthy of marriage because that is what I am focusing on.
I wish the same for you.
Click to expand...

Thank you for that. I also got into a long term relationship when I was young that went on far longer then it should have so I hear you. I think sometimes folks forget that wisdom is often in hindsight. I know I didn't have a clue about relationships when mine started at 17.
 
Hey OP,

The advice these ladies have given you is right on the money, so I don't have anything to add other than my own well wishes. I have been in a similar situation to yours . . . overweight, never feeling like I was worthy, didn't get into a real relationship until I was 31 years old (I'm 32 now). Now I'm trying to figure out what this relationship means and what direction my life is heading . . . all of that is to say, that even though it might not seem like it, you are not alone in your situation or feelings. I know what it's like to sit back and watch other people carry on with their seemingly perfect lives . . . I've done that and all that does is get you wasted time that you can't get back. Start working to make your own life the kind of life you envy and you'll never go wrong.

(((Hugs)))
 
You've already been given great advice, not much I can add.

This man will have you in limbo for the NEXT 10 years if you don't cut off all ties.
 
Thanks ladies. I have started to fill out out applications for the fall semester so I can go finish my degree. I've started working out with my wii again. Today was my last day at work so I will be spending my summer vacation finding fun places to go and getting my life on track. You all are right, I need to find my self worth and start investing in me. The man never intends to marry me so I will move on and cut all ties.
 
I know why he was coming around holding hands. SMDH. He wants to have some free booty. AND he wants to have a place to come and lay his worthless head at night since he's getting thrown out.

I am so glad you will not allow yourself to be used up OP. Maybe you should take a vacation during this summer, go somewhere you've never been and take in the sights. Nothing like a change of scenery to help you see your daily life more clearly.
 
MissJ said:
Wow, I missed the 10 years part. Never allow yourself to be just a girlfriend for 10 years, ladies. :naughty: 10 years, what in the world? :nono:
Click to expand...

Yes. Sometimes I look back at myself in my 20s and can only SMH. I let him (he was 38 when we met, I was 23) convince me that I really didn't want to get married:sad:
 
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