1 Year Marriage Reflection: Marriage is different than cohabitation

MissMeWithThatIsh

MissMeWithThatIsh

New Member
People always said marriage is different than shacking up with your SO.

Tomorrow is my 1year marriage anniversary and got-darned if I don't understand how different it is. It's weird because I want to explain it to you guys, but I can't. It's a really subtle shift, I guess, where the psyche says, "You know you can't just turn your back on this just cause he pissed you off today right?" :look:

Now, granted, DH and I got married in a rushed arrangement pre-deployment, and had planned to marry anyway (even if after), but I never really agreed with that theory... until now.


Can anyone relate?
 
I can relate. Me and DH actually shacked up before we married, but now it's.......different. Can't explain it, but people think 'If I can live with him, marriage is a breeze' It's not. Marriage is definitely something you just can't walk out and pack your stuff on. It will be 3 yrs in May of next yr for us.

Happy 1 yr Lauryn!
 
Girl, yes!!! It IS a psyche shift - I lived with DH for 2.5 years before we were married, and it was still a very different - and very distinct - feeling to realize that this man I was waking up next to was my HUSBAND - and thus, I had made an oath to work everything through with him.

The weight of that oath is a heavy one - for those who uphold their oaths, that is.
 
pookaloo83 said:
I can relate. Me and DH actually shacked up before we married, but now it's.......different. Can't explain it, but people think 'If I can live with him, marriage is a breeze' It's not. Marriage is definitely something you just can't walk out and pack your stuff on. It will be 3 yrs in May of next yr for us.

Happy 1 yr Lauryn!
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Thanks :grin: ... You're right, it definitely isn't a breeze. I won't lie, we're go through a lil rough patch now and then, but it's not "deal-breaking." I realize that I took that oath, to each him, to God, to the world and to myself internally to just commit to the process.

I WILL say this: "If you are in a great relationship with a great person, then the shift is barely noticeable... 99% of the time it's like nothing happened... but somewhere on a cellular level you realize the shift!":yep:


JustKiya said:
Girl, yes!!! It IS a psyche shift - I lived with DH for 2.5 years before we were married, and it was still a very different - and very distinct - feeling to realize that this man I was waking up next to was my HUSBAND - and thus, I had made an oath to work everything through with him.

The weight of that oath is a heavy one - for those who uphold their oaths, that is.
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Word... some days I look at him like... "I really did this? For real?" :look:He looks at me like I lost it:ohwell:, because I'll wake up like, "We really got married? Woooooow." :yep:
 
Interesting to hear the perspectives, I would have always thought it would have been very different.

Glad to hear it is only a mind-shift difference...very interesting.

Listening for more thoughts...
 
Although I'm not married yet, I can see how there would be a difference, just from listening to how you ladies describe it and just from what I hear from men.

Example: So I was on a date with this guy last year who had been married before. He wanted to get married again, but he said, "This time, I want to live with the woman before we get married just to make sure that I'm making the right decision." He asked if I had any religious or moral objections to that.

I said no, but I said that I didn't like the mindset behind what he was saying... that he was going to have one foot out the door, basically... I know this isn't the case for all who cohabitate, but I got the impression that his fear of future divorce was making him want to take an extra step before becoming fully committed.

He said he never thought of it the way that I put it, but admitted that there would be a mental difference in how he'd think of a woman he was cohabitating with ("I can always get out if this doesn't work) versus married to ("I'm in this full force. No turning back.")
 
SugarBaby said:
Interesting to hear the perspectives, I would have always thought it would have been very different.

Glad to hear it is only a mind-shift difference...very interesting.

Listening for more thoughts...
Click to expand...

Yea, like around a year ago, there were board members telling me marriage is nothing like shacking up. I have to say, though I didn't believe them, they are right to an extent. It's really intangible too, I'm so mad I cannot describe it. It's like invisible Spanx.
 
I can relate, DH and I "shacked" for two months prior to our marriage (the planning phase) and its all soooooo different from dating and being engaged. I was having this exact conversation with a friend of mine she said the same (I've been married for 16 months and she 13 - they actually lived together for 6 months before they got married).
 
TheLaurynDoll said:
Yea, like around a year ago, there were board members telling me marriage is nothing like shacking up. I have to say, though I didn't believe them, they are right to an extent. It's really intangible too, I'm so mad I cannot describe it. It's like invisible Spanx.
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LOL at invisible Spanx.

You know, maybe it's not meant to be described! You just have to feel it or you just KNOW when you're actually going through it.

I'm sure it's gonna be surreal when I call a man my husband versus my boyfriend or fiancee. It's kinda like how some folks will say that marriage is just a piece of paper, but they run so hard from that piece of paper because they KNOW the deal behind it!!!
 
:dead: at invisible Spanx! It IS though!!! I've been trying for years to explain the difference - it's really primal/emotional/gutlevel though - I don't know if it can be translated into words.

Just like you can't explain the emotional worldshift that happens when you become a mother - you can try, but until you experience it, words don't really cut it - you can't really explain the emotional world shift of going from fiancee to wife. It's - it's trippy, ya'll. :lol:
 
I can relate.
DH and I shacked twice before marriage.
Once, then broke up and then again after getting back together and engaged.

It was so different being married that it threw me for a loop! I think for us, I expected and expect more from him as a husband. We had to communicate alot and learn how to realte to each other as husband and wife.
I also had to get over that wanting to run away when something went wrong. I had to take divorce out of my options and really focus on the commitment we made.
That 1st year was a bear!
 
^^^ I'm always threatening divorce LMAO... I heard the same for a few women... it's like. . . the women are quicker to bail the 1st year than the man... but then it levels out and everyone's good.
 
Its only been six months for us on the 16th and I must say it is different.We lived together and have a son prior to getting married.Just like another poster said,its just different in a great way.there are days I look at him like "we really did it" then there are other days like "why we do it!"I still watch our wedding video.It just seems so surreal sometimes.
 
Happy Anniversary!!!

This is exactly what a couple of friends of mine were telling me between calculus problems (gotta love college, lol). One was a guy, one was a girl. The girl went so far as to say don't shack--she and her now hubby shacked for a couple of years (maybe a little less) and have been married for just over two. Not saying she's right (though I tend to agree with her) just putting it out there ...
 
There's nothing "hard" about it...

But here's an example:

The other day I was cleaning the house and DH and I got into an argument about movign magazines... he wanted them in this ONE particular spot and I was just trying to organize. I ended up storming out the house at 1 am and stayed out until 2:30 because I thought he was just starting ish at 12 midnight (when he gets off work)...

I realized :

1) If I were single and didn't cohabitate, I could be in my own home putting my magazines where I pleased and not have to compromise...

2) If I were single and we were cohabitating, this might not have been the straw that broke the camel's back in our relationship but it darn sure wouldn't help considering how I hate petty fighting

and most importantly that I needed to come to my senses because

3) I'm married, it's time to put on the big girl draws, I made the decision to live with him and vice versa and if I went on Divorce Court over some damn cooking magazines Lynn Toler would laugh at me and deny my divorce and instead have me on an update episode. :lachen:

It's not hard... lol it's just "different"... kinda like how you buy a car or a house... and you can't just get out of owning or paying on either without a fight? It's the same with marriage.
 
TheLaurynDoll said:
There's nothing "hard" about it...

But here's an example:

The other day I was cleaning the house and DH and I got into an argument about movign magazines... he wanted them in this ONE particular spot and I was just trying to organize. I ended up storming out the house at 1 am and stayed out until 2:30 because I thought he was just starting ish at 12 midnight (when he gets off work)...

I realized :

1) If I were single and didn't cohabitate, I could be in my own home putting my magazines where I pleased and not have to compromise...

2) If I were single and we were cohabitating, this might not have been the straw that broke the camel's back in our relationship but it darn sure wouldn't help considering how I hate petty fighting

and most importantly that I needed to come to my senses because

3) I'm married, it's time to put on the big girl draws, I made the decision to live with him and vice versa and if I went on Divorce Court over some damn cooking magazines Lynn Toler would laugh at me and deny my divorce and instead have me on an update episode. :lachen:

It's not hard... lol it's just "different"... kinda like how you buy a car or a house... and you can't just get out of owning or paying on either without a fight? It's the same with marriage.
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Ok see now you just opened up a can of worms cuz I'm gonna be texting you all the time for advice now lol
 
JustKiya said:
Girl, yes!!! It IS a psyche shift - I lived with DH for 2.5 years before we were married, and it was still a very different - and very distinct - feeling to realize that this man I was waking up next to was my HUSBAND - and thus, I had made an oath to work everything through with him.

The weight of that oath is a heavy one - for those who uphold their oaths, that is.
Click to expand...

Remember we were talking about this a couple of months ago after I got married? It's a funny thing. I can't explain it either, but yes, it's different. It's like, the responsibility of marriage sets in...hard to quantify.
 
^^No you didn't.....I already have way too much fun snooping on Myspace, now i'm NEVER gonna get to sleep tonight :lachen:



And I won't be needing that link if I get "that" lonely....i've got someone on standby just in case...lol
 
can i just say how much i enjoy these types of threads. As someone who is not even close to marriage, i really love getting a window peek into it. It helps me understand things a lil better for when i reach that point. thanks for the responses
 
Miss AJ said:
^^No you didn't.....I already have way too much fun snooping on Myspace, now i'm NEVER gonna get to sleep tonight :lachen:



And I won't be needing that link if I get "that" lonely....i've got someone on standby just in case...lol
Click to expand...
aaaaoooooooooow go girl.
just make sure he's not backin' it up on craigslist LMAO!
 
i wish i would see him advertising for some man love on craigslist...i would punch him square in the nuts lol
 
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