A Horrible Revelation, Talk or Just Leave? (semi-long)

[Supergirl]

Good Morning Hair Buddies,

I have had a revelation this morning and I believe I have figured out the true cause of my ends becoming so thin. I have noticed that in the last year and a half or so, I have had to do 3 major trims. By major I mean 2 or more inches at a time. I knew that I was taking good care of my hair so I didn't understand what the problem could be.

I thought maybe I'd reached my "terminal" length and so the ends would just thin out to prevent more length. I don't know. My stylist, whom I just love as a person, has a limited role in my haircare. She does my relaxer touch-ups only. Over a year ago, I stopped allowing her to style my hair and would just have her send me home w/ conditioner in my hair. Why? Because she combed the wet hair too roughly even after I gave her tips on how to keep my hair from getting tangled in the first place and even after I asked her to comb gently. With the winter season, I allowed her to detangle and place me under the dryer for a while so I wouldn't leave with wet hair.

Some of you saw my thread about the 4 inch trim I did last week. (self-trim) I feel I didn't have any choice in the matter. I have been more upset about the why than the actual what. I have speculated and this morning it hit me. It's her rough combing of my wet hair. This last time when she was detangling my hair, I could hear the comb. I spoke up and said "that sounds like a 'skinny' comb." She said that it was a wide tooth. She told me that my hair gets so tangled in the bowl. (but I've told her how to prevent that prior to now )

This morning when this hit me, I thought about how my ends even at 18 weeks post-relaxer looked pretty good before I went into the salon. I wouldn't think that hair could be damaged in a matter of seconds but now I know that it can happen.

So the advice I need this morning: I have a 2 year relationship with this stylist. She goes to my church as well. Should I try communicating with her about this or just leave without talking?

 

[Whimsy]

Maybe bring your own comb when you go, and make sure she combs you from the ends upwards?

I only suggest this because you seem to want to salvage the relationship.

I would just leave.

 

[Jaxhair]

I would leave sharpish and just tell her the truth. Or tell her you've decided to DIY. You can still be pals without her butchering your hair like that.

Everyone I know knows I do my own hair because I can be super gentle with it in a way no one else can be and this is what keeps it healthy. Takes longer to do but I'm happy and only waiting for time to pass so I can see progress. 4 inches etc - too much to sacrifice for a friendship!

 

[HoneyA]

I wouldn't say anything more to her about it but I would learn to try to apply my relaxers myself. You already do everything else which means you can self-relax. My problem with this is that she continued to comb and handle your hair roughly even though you spoke to her about it already and about how to reduce the tangles. Did she even try to do as you suggested? I mean it is your hair after all.

 

[Luscious Locks]

Supergirl, don't say anything. It won't be a good look. Yes, she hurt you and ignored your warnings (probably because she thought she knew best, didn't have enough time to spend on you, or was just plain jealous). You can do your own hair, and that's a major plus. If she really is your friend you can and should still be her friend, just don't let her be your stylist. She obviously can't take direction well.

All the best.

 

[Supergirl]

You guys,

I wish I could self-relax. I really do, but I have tried several times and failed.

 

[Whimsy]

^well u can find someone else to relax you who will listen to your requests and respect you and your hair.

 

[newflowers]

I think you need to reconsider the two relationships - two different relationships - you have with this woman. You may wish to continue the personal relationship; however, the professional relationship, the one in which she is your stylist and performs a service for which you pay her, that relationship sounds like it should end post haste. I do not believe you are obligated to her as an individual, nor are you obligated to her as a "hair care professional." You owe her any explanations, though you may give one if you wish to do so.

 

[ElegantExotic]

Personally, I would try to find another stylist. I know it's hard, but sometimes it's really difficult to explain what you know is best for your hair to a 'trained professional'.

 

[mariofmagdal]

If possible do your own hair. I personally do not go to the stylist for so many reasons. You can't really judge why they jack your hair up, some reasons are intentional I do know that.

Because you have a relationship with her and attend church together I understand why you feel the need to talk with her. Talk with her and let her know the changes you have decided to make, hopefully she will be understanding.

 

[RavenMaven]

I think that you can still be friends, and not have her be your stylist. Tell her that you decided to do it yourself, and she will understand.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

This is a sucky situation but you must severe ties. You've already told her everything and she's still messing up your hair. I say walk and find someone else to do it who listens, or do it yourself. In addition, you can be friends and say hi in church. I wouldn't act guilty or feel the need to explain. You've just moved on. If she asks when you're coming in, just smile and change the subject and move on.

It's your hair so you can't sacrifice that just to save someone's feelings.

 

[dynamic1]

I probably would not discuss it with her unless she inquires. You have instructed her multiple times on the proper detangling of your hair and she has yet to comply with your wishes. This happened to a friend of mine with hair just below the waist. It was a long term stylist, who started getting careless and her ends started to thin. She had multiple discussions attempting to salvage the relationship, but he did not listen. She found a new stylist who listens to her requests and she is much happier.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Supergirl]

I am reconsidering self-relaxing. It might be worth it to try again.

 

[MrsQueeny]

I would honestly have a heart to heart with her. I would explain to her step by step in detail my expectations regarding hair care. If I felt she had an understanding and was genuine, I would allow her one last chance to see if we are on the same page. Then if I got any indication things hadn't changed, then I would kindly tell her I would no longer be utilizing her services.

My beautician was a little old school in some of her practices as well. Also most of her clients were relaxed so. I was one of her first natural clients. She too was not combing my hair to my satisfaction. I stopped her, showed her how I liked it done and even purchased the bone comb for her to use on me when I come to her. She wasn't offended at all and actually asks me for info for her other natural clients. She has gotten several clients based off of others hearing about how well she cares for my hair. So it was a win-win situation.

I will be praying things work out because I know it's tough. My beautician is not only a church member but my Pastor's wife but we were able to put that aside and focus on business. Q

 

[Tee]

I am reconsidering self-relaxing. It might be worth it to try again.

Supergirl, you know you had me sooo scared last time you self-relaxed. But I am sure you can do it.

I would stop going to her. I had to do the same. I would still be her friend and all, just not let her in my hair again.

4 inches!! Tee faints.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Yeah, I think you should find a way to severe ties. You have suffered all these setbacks. If you really love her doing your hair, then try bringing your comb. But I wouldn't trust her touching my hair. Only you know what you need to do to get your hair back to health.

My fair is extremely fine and delicate, and I have sworn off ALL hair stylists. I have not gone to a stylist in at least 10 years. Why? Because my hair thinned and thinned and thinned, and I could not understand why. It was fairly healthy, but the constant pulling, roughness and yanking did so much damage. And it never grew too much past shoulder.

Now that I take care of my own hair--and since joining LHCF and understanding more about what my hair needs to be healthy--it has never been this long nor this full or healthy.

I am stretching for 16 to 20 weeks (now at 14 weeks post), and used direct heat last night to straighten. I lost very few hairs and my ends are full and thick. I attribute this health to treating my hair gently, like fine silk. I'm also close to BSL. It has never been this healthy or long.

I would definitely break ties with this stylist. If you have told her over and over again what your preferences are and she refuses to listen, then it's time to go. It's your hair and only you know what's best for your hair.

Your hair is also very beautiful. I'm sure you'd be happier if it is as healthy as you want it to be.

 

[Morenita]

Walk it Out... If you want to retain her as a friend, be honest about why but seriously, if she can't respect your wishes, she shouldn't be your stylist. We have to be able to trust our stylists and it seems as though she has given you more than one reason now why you can't.

 

[HoneyA]

I am reconsidering self-relaxing. It might be worth it to try again.

I know that I've come across Fotkis in the past of women with WL hair who self-relax and they had tutorials as well. I say try again. It just takes practice anyway and you can practise with conditioner during a long stretch. I don't think you need to sever ties. She can still be your friend. Just tell her that you've started to self-relax and no need to mention it until she sees your hair is freshly done. Then you can just casually say oh I did it myself, you like? So that you don't make a big thing out of it.

 

[MyAngelEyez~C~U]

Where are you in Texas? If you are in the Dallas area, you could drive to Tulsa and come see my Stylist. She does great relaxers and is gentle.

I know, it's a wild suggestion. But you need to change stylist. Hopefully someone in Texas will chime in with a stylist they trust.

 

[1Aleeesha]

I had a similar situation and that's what brought me to the hair forums in years ago in the first place... I didn't say anything to the gal and just started doing every thing myself, meanwhile she would be saying wow this and wow that as my hair picked back up in it's thriving...

My opinion I think she was a "hair hater" not saying that yours is one, just saying that I think mine was and I needed to do everything myself. My hair was in great condition all the while before letting this gal in to do it, and the whole while she was doing it, it just went downhill... I had to start doing it again myself to prevent the mess...

No one will love and care for your hair the way that you do... My motto has always been if someone is going to mess me up it will be ME lol.

 

[Denise11]

Supergirl, you did your part. You even told her how to do your hair, but she ignored your wishes and did whatever she wanted.

I think you need to find a new stylist. You've given her chance after chance, now it's time to let her go. You can still be friends though.

 

[Supergirl]

Where are you in Texas? If you are in the Dallas area, you could drive to Tulsa and come see my Stylist. She does great relaxers and is gentle.

I know, it's a wild suggestion. But you need to change stylist. Hopefully someone in Texas will chime in with a stylist they trust.

Tulsa? That's only 3 or so hours away from me (in Dallas) right? There was a time when I seriously considered driving to Austin (3 hours away) for every retouch to let my college hairstylist do it. She was the absolute greatest.

 

[Supergirl]

Supergirl, you know you had me sooo scared last time you self-relaxed. But I am sure you can do it.

I would stop going to her. I had to do the same. I would still be her friend and all, just not let her in my hair again.

4 inches!! Tee faints.

Whoops! You know, I'm just not fast enough with it. I did try one time relaxing one side, neutralizing and conditioning (while the other side was covered) and then doing the other side. This seemed to go better, but I still need to work on it. I also need to do a better job of basing my scalp.

 

[IntoMyhair]

It seems to me that you have done all the talking you can. She is not listening and your hair is paying for it. I'd just leave.

 

[Eisani]

I agree with Q, if she's a friend, I'd have a real talk with her and let her know how I feel and my current stance on the whole situation. Point out the fact that you've asked her to do things the way you prefer previously and how u felt she ignored your requests. I wouldn't just leave without saying anything. Not everyone that does things we don't agree with is a hater (not saying u said that). Sometimes we give these stylists too much power. We sit there, let them do something we don't agree with then wait til we get to the board to vent. We're all adults with the ability and capacity to speak up for OUR hair and since u deal with it everyday, can't no stylist tell u what's best for you and yours. I wish I would sit there like a mute while someone is rippin thru hair I take care of meticulously. If she's really a friend-nah, bump that-if she's a real PROFESSIONAL, she'll respect your requests and make changes. If not then it's time to move on.

Hopefully I don't sound too harsh, I'm just really passionate about women being empowered to do what's right for them and their hair. Y'all let's quit trying to spare feelings and let our hair suffer! Check that ish straight away!

 

[BostonMaria]

I think that with time you will grow to resent her so I would cut ties now while you can still salvage the relationship. I go to the salon like once a year, but I bring my own brush and sometimes styling products. If your hair means alot to you then I would go somewhere else. 4 inches is about 10 months of hair growth... way too much hair to let go down the drain over someone else's carelessness.

 

[Amerie123]

everyone has said things that i would have said, however i am just posting to say that i am so glad that you found out why it happened. that's the best thing, to know why your hair did what it did!! hope you come up with what to do.

 

[Mrs.Fitness]

I havent read this whole thread, so someone else may have already siad this but,

Why dont you detangle while you are there. If you are close, she will understand you wanting to detangle your own hair. After you do it, you can just carry on the salon session.

 

[HeyItsHoney]

Just a tip, if you do want to try and self-relax. Do it in sections...I part my head ear to ear, texlax the front, shampoo 3-4 times, slather it in conditioner, then texlax the back section, shampoo 3-4 times, cover it in conditioner, then rinse, and then deep condition under the dryer. It takes longer but the results are worth it.