"You got pretty hair for a black girl"

[Miamori]

I'm from the mid-atlantic (so I'm a yankee to my deep south cousins... yes, yankee , and a "southern belle" ... yes, I was smh to my northern friends and cousins...) and IMO, I would think that yes, what he said is insulting, but considering his age and that you're in the deep south, I doubt
that he meant it to be simply because I know from first hand experience and conversation with similar elderly deep south white folks that they generally view those off-hand insults and poorly thought out compliments that diss just as much as they praise as a compliment ((when they're made to a black person, butt not a white person ))

So my point is, yeah, I think he insulted you, and I sure would have been offended, but I would have just let it roll. Based on my experiences, I would have just allowed myself to assume he didn't know any better and was doing his best to give SOME kind of compliment. And if he knew what he was doing, oh well.

Now, if I weren't so nice, I woulda asked him not to be sizin me up like I'm some kind of commercially valuable chattel... but ya'll know I'm just playin... ... ... promise.

My question is, what exactly do you DO about this kind of thing aside from being permanently offended? I'm curious because I don't live in the Deep South and I have a very healthy ego, so what exactly does one do to change these attitudes and frankly, why should one really care?

I'm not trying to be funny, but I'm genuinely interested in what you think is the solution. This seems to bother you far more than the OP, so I'm genuinely curious.

Jamaraa, I know you didn't direct your question at me, but I hope you don't mind my answering, and if you do and think it's out of line, I apologize in advance.

As far as what to do, I really can't see anyone being permanently offended... not even me, and I can hold a grudge. I would say you could be temporarily offended and let it go, let him know that his "compliment" was a little off by politely asking whether he meant it as a compliment or not, etc. I think there's a lot of ways a person could react, and I don't really think anything would be inappropriate, besides completely going off on the poor man.

I may live further south than you do, but it's not deep, and I have a very healthy ego too, just to give you a bit of perspective in regards to where I'm coming from. Still, my ego isn't so large that I ignore things like this that speak to undercover, engrained, and ignored racism and what not (yeah, between school and the issues Obama's candidacy have brought up, I'm sick of the term too, but it is what it is). I choose not to ignore things like this completely, even if I only take two split seconds to pause and flip it over once in my head, because I honestly think it's important. I think it's an issue that the entire country, not just black people, face.

That's why I think people should care, because it's our problem, not just the problem of minorities or those who become offended for whatever reason. As a result, I also don't think that it's a black issue, or that those who take an issue with it are the ones who the job of finding an adequate solution needs to be heaped on. That is unfair. On the same vein, I think it's often unfair that curious white folk put it on us (black folk), instead of trying to create a narrative on racism in the US with us, or explore what it means to be black with us istead of just sitting back and expecting us to teach them. What I think would be preferable is for white and blacks (and everyone else too ) to explore racism together by say, blacks explaining their experiences and then in turn, instead of just whites listening, sharing how they treat us and trying to understand why, and what this has to do with racism. The same thing for blackness... yeah, I can tell you I get followed in stores, but are you a white business owner? Will you add to my explanation of what it is to be black in the US by telling me how you once had you employee follow a young black girl in a store, and explain why you thought it was necessary, so we can work together instead of you simply heaping the burden on me?

It's enough to be disadvantaged and have enough obstacles to fight against, but now I gotta explain it all to you myself and you can't help me out a bit?

I think everyone can contribute.

Still, I understand that if people ain't bothered, they won't care. So this is where I go back to the option I mentioned before. Even if you just ask him if he meant it as a compliment or not, there's at least the possibility that it will get him thinking a bit about hwat he said wrong, which might increase just how much he'd care about all that racism mumbo jumbo we spew.

With white people and other minorities I know personally, I just go on head and say what I gotta say. They're willing to listen, and I get to leave my little footprint on the path to a better country.

I know this was much more than you asked for, but I wanted to be well-rounded and explain myself fully to alleviate unecessary confusion. I'm sure it will interest you a bit if your curiosity isn't limited to Oneya. The thing I want you to take away most from what I'm saying is that I personally don't believe that finding a solution or alleviating the issue should be limited to Oneya, me, the OP, you, or any other person or group. I think it's universal, and it's everyone's issue.

Sorry I typed a whole essay!! I know that's annoying, especially to some more than others.

 

[RegaLady]

I had someone tell me this, except the guy was either black and Puerto Rican or mixed or something, and I had a weave. I was at the DMV, and he was a worker there, but he asked me if I modeled, don't know why but I was getting ready to take a license picture. But, I said no. Then he goes on to say, "It is good to see that 'we' can be beautiful." I wasn't sure how to take that, seeing that black people are beautiful. People compliment, and they don't mean anything by it, but they need to think a bit more.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Neaderthals will test people like this. You should have spit in his face and said, "Get the F out of my face you piece of chit. And learn some manners you doggy faced bastid. And thanks for the compliment."

 

[TaurusAngel]

I cosign with this.

I know that he may not know any better, but seriously, how long can we brush stuff people say off by saying, they don't know any better? I know he may have grown up in a different time, but so what? They used the N word quite often back then and i know ya'll would be darned if they said it now. Shouldn't that go with everything? There's only so much people should get a pass for. I think he knew what he was saying. Maybe i'm reading too much into it, but i doubt it. He may be old, but he knew what he said when he said it.

 

[MA2010]

Neaderthals will test people like this. You should have spit in his face and said, "Get the F out of my face you piece of chit. And learn some manners you doggy faced bastid. And thanks for the compliment."

at the bolded after the full curse out! Stop playing!!!!

 

[StrongNGlossy]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

That's as bad as my 'favorite compliment': "You sure are a pretty dark-skinned girl". People can be UNReal.

 

[MAMATO]

I think it's a compliment, he was not trying to be mean. I'd take it for what it is, and at the same time I'd reply: ''You're pretty subtle for a white man''.

 

[shocol]

I think it's a compliment, he was not trying to be mean. I'd take it for what it is, and at the same time I'd reply: ''You're pretty subtle for a white man''.

Right. Or say something like, ''You know what they say, there's no fool like an old white racist.'' And then keep it moving. He'll chew on that one for days.

 

[Energist]

I would have told him "Really? I've seen so many Black women with such beauuuuutiful hair, thick and waist length even. I thought mine was pretty average, so you must get out of the suburbs more kind sir! Uhhh, but thank you though "

ETA: or.... "Well you must live waaay on the other side of town"

Just something to make him think twice and thrice about how ignorant that comment was!

 

[BostonMaria]

lol, I live in the Deep South as well, and u can never read TOO much into something. A lot of people are hardcore down here. smh.

I believe you!

Who knows what his intentions were. Don't let some person's ignorance (intentional or not) linger in your mind like that. If it was meant to harm then its working. BTW OP you do have some perdy hair!

 

[NigerianGirl]

I have been natural for 4 and a half years and I decide to get my hair pressed in honor of my grandmother who recently passed. When I returned to work last work I was still rocking my press and all my co-workers were saying how beautiful I looked and that I should wear my hair like this more often...I was like well I have been working with you for 3 years and you decide to speak now? WOW!!!
I can understadn exactly how that comment and this one can be a bit confusing.......I mean just because I am black does not mean my hair is unmanagable regardless of being natural or not.........

 

[PuffyBrown]

Very well said. I am not sure if home boy was being racist or not because I tend to find people are just plain ol rude! Almost like any home training has going out the window. People like that always catch you off guard. I have an arsenal of comebacks for stuff like that. But you were right, "Oh I took after my mom her hair is at her waist", or Really? How long have you lived here? You must be new, huh?

I would have told him "Really? I've seen so many Black women with such beauuuuutiful hair, thick and waist length even. I thought mine was pretty average, so you must get out of the suburbs more kind sir! Uhhh, but thank you though "

ETA: or.... "Well you must live waaay on the other side of town"

Just something to make him think twice and thrice about how ignorant that comment was!

 

[MissNina]

Some stuff you just have to let ride. He might be truly that ignorant and not know how much of an insult that really was. A lot of them just don't know any better. Just b/c to you and I it's a blatant racist statement, doesn't mean other people have the ability to recognize it as such.

I can't imagine him being that racist and THAT being the only thing he could've come up with to insult the black female (sheesh I hate that term. . .) community. While I definitely agree with most of what Oneya said, I don't think that was the case in this instance. He probably didn't even think about it that deep and just said the first thing that came to his mind. It was probably a case of not thinking before you speak mixed with a little hand-me-down, generational, unbeknownst-to-him racism. If you asked him, he'd probably swear up and down he's not racist. White people, even in the south , CAN be racist and not realize it. Most blatant racists I've seen don't even give something that arguably could compliment black people. At all.

 

[JustKiya]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

And that's how most black womens hair looks in the South, I'm sorry to say. A sista with healthy, long, thick, full and shiny hair that was not purchased is indeed, a rarity. The same isn't so true for white, asian, latina, etc, etc, etc, women - and that's a statement of fact - I mean, just the sista's in line with you proved out that point.

As hair mad as I am, I've been checking out a LOT of heads, and I'd say there's a gorgeous head in about 1 in 50 of black women, or so - on a good day. Some days, EVERY HEAD I see is to'. Up. *shrug* If I was just looking at white women, it might be 1 in 10, or so - or even less, and most Asian women I see have pretty hair.

Is that racist? No, it's the state of haircare in black america today. So, in my mind, he was giving you an higher compliement, as - - most black women have further to go than women of other races do, because of all the crap we do to our hair to try to get it to look like those other womens hair.

 

[Fine 4s]

I think that white people get enough explanations( usually some black person is trying to prove we are not all alikeerplexed). But no matter what racists will still hate us. I probably would have ignored him.

You know Oneya, I like your thinking....

 

[tbaby_8]

I live in the South and I have this complement on occasion, not often, but often enough. He (the white man) probably didn't mean any harm depending on how old he was, because in his day, that would have been considered a compliment towards a black woman. Does it make it right, NO, but that is how it is.

OP I think you handled yourself well. I would have said thank you and gave him "the look" and been done with it. Don't let what that stupid man said have any effect on you.

To JustKiya, I hate to say it, but you are almost right about the women with their hair in the south. I am a stylist and I see so many to'up heads or bad weaves or just plain wrong hairstyles. I am not talking healthy hair, just having a bad hair day, but dry brittle, dusty, broken off hair. Now don't get me wrong, I see some beautiful heads of hair also, some short and long, but I say way more "busted" heads than healthy heads. SO SAD!

 

[HairBarbie]

I live in the South and I have this complement on occasion, not often, but often enough. He (the white man) probably didn't mean any harm depending on how old he was, because in his day, that would have been considered a compliment towards a black woman. Does it make it right, NO, but that is how it is.

OP I think you handled yourself well. I would have said thank you and gave him "the look" and been done with it. Don't let what that stupid man said have any effect on you.

To JustKiya, I hate to say it, but you are almost right about the women with their hair in the south. I am a stylist and I see so many to'up heads or bad weaves or just plain wrong hairstyles. I am not talking healthy hair, just having a bad hair day, but dry brittle, dusty, broken off hair. Now don't get me wrong, I see some beautiful heads of hair also, some short and long, but I say way more "busted" heads than healthy heads. SO SAD!

Ever since I started my hair progress I always look at people's. Unfortunately most black women have over processed hair and missing edges. I always get excited when I see black women with long or short healthy hair. I wish there were more of us out there.

 

[JustKiya]

To JustKiya, I hate to say it, but you are almost right about the women with their hair in the south. I am a stylist and I see so many to'up heads or bad weaves or just plain wrong hairstyles. I am not talking healthy hair, just having a bad hair day, but dry brittle, dusty, broken off hair. Now don't get me wrong, I see some beautiful heads of hair also, some short and long, but I say way more "busted" heads than healthy heads. SO SAD!

I hate to have to say it, ya know? And I've noticed, overall - the shorter the hair, the healthier it tends to look. I figure it's cuz all the damage is getting chopped off on the regular.

Ever since I started my hair progress I always look at people's. Unfortunately most black women have over processed hair and missing edges. I always get excited when I see black women with long or short healthy hair. I wish there were more of us out there.

Amen, and amen! Of course, in the South, I don't even count, because I'm natural (which is still automatic 'bad hair' in some places, no matter HOW healthy it is *sigh*) - but I can't even tell ya'll how many sisters I would love to HELP OUT somehow. I try to drop knowledge on the sneak tip to one of my coworkers (who gets a relaxer every 4 weeks and color every 3 weeks, and whose hairline is showing the fact) but..... *sigh* well.

 

[CurlyMoo]

at the bolded after the full curse out! Stop playing!!!!

Yeah, but it's shocking! I had that happen to me once. Some dude came into the store I was managing at the time and cussed me out! He called me a "uppity nicca" "B" and some other stuff I don't know how to abrev. Then he ended it with, "But you sholl is fine." I was like WTF??? erplexed

 

[Makenzie]

I would have told him "Really? I've seen so many Black women with such beauuuuutiful hair, thick and waist length even. I thought mine was pretty average, so you must get out of the suburbs more kind sir! Uhhh, but thank you though "

ETA: or.... "Well you must live waaay on the other side of town"

Just something to make him think twice and thrice about how ignorant that comment was!

Well said. No need to get nasty with him. If the comment was intentional you'd only reinforce his racist views. If not, who knows, it may give him something to think about.

And that's how most black womens hair looks in the South, I'm sorry to say. A sista with healthy, long, thick, full and shiny hair that was not purchased is indeed, a rarity. The same isn't so true for white, asian, latina, etc, etc, etc, women - and that's a statement of fact - I mean, just the sista's in line with you proved out that point.

As hair mad as I am, I've been checking out a LOT of heads, and I'd say there's a gorgeous head in about 1 in 50 of black women, or so - on a good day. Some days, EVERY HEAD I see is to'. Up. *shrug* If I was just looking at white women, it might be 1 in 10, or so - or even less, and most Asian women I see have pretty hair.

Is that racist? No, it's the state of haircare in black america today. So, in my mind, he was giving you an higher compliement, as - - most black women have further to go than women of other races do, because of all the crap we do to our hair to try to get it to look like those other womens hair.

So true and it's not just in the south.

 

[luvnmyhair99]

And that's how most black womens hair looks in the South, I'm sorry to say. A sista with healthy, long, thick, full and shiny hair that was not purchased is indeed, a rarity. The same isn't so true for white, asian, latina, etc, etc, etc, women - and that's a statement of fact - I mean, just the sista's in line with you proved out that point.

As hair mad as I am, I've been checking out a LOT of heads, and I'd say there's a gorgeous head in about 1 in 50 of black women, or so - on a good day. Some days, EVERY HEAD I see is to'. Up. *shrug* If I was just looking at white women, it might be 1 in 10, or so - or even less, and most Asian women I see have pretty hair.

Is that racist? No, it's the state of haircare in black america today. So, in my mind, he was giving you an higher compliement, as - - most black women have further to go than women of other races do, because of all the crap we do to our hair to try to get it to look like those other womens hair.

Definitely what she said!

Sometimes when I am checking out my sistas hair health out and about where I am from I sadly wish I could kidnap(with much love) them for an LHCF 12 step intervention/rehab program!

Then we could all laugh at stupid comments like the caucasion gentleman made, because beautiful, healthy, black hair of all textures and styles would be the norm rather than the exception!

 

[Paradox]

You know Oneya, I like your thinking....

I am glad someone understand me

 

[Paradox]

I know that he may not know any better, but seriously, how long can we brush stuff people say off by saying, they don't know any better? I know he may have grown up in a different time, but so what? They used the N word quite often back then and i know ya'll would be darned if they said it now. Shouldn't that go with everything? There's only so much people should get a pass for. I think he knew what he was saying. Maybe i'm reading too much into it, but i doubt it. He may be old, but he knew what he said when he said it.

Exactly...racists ALWAYS know what they are saying. They do it on purposeerplexed

 

[SleepyJean]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

IMO, his comment was racist and stupid, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you do have beautiful hair!

 

[ebaby]

IMO, his comment was racist and stupid, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you do have beautiful hair!

I agree! I am also from the deep South and a lot of people here have racism ingrained so deep inside of tHem that they are probably even upset that their poop is brown. I am the only black employee at my job and you would be surprised at some of the comments that they try to get away with saying.

ex. We were leaving the workroom after lunch and a coworker looked at the newspaper cover featuring Obama's victory over Clinton, she was like,
CW: Oh no, I wish this wouldn't of happen, and it has nothing to do with his skin color (nobody said anything about color), but this can't be good!

Me: Really, why is that?

CW: It's not because he's black

Me: Well, he is half white also but I want to know why this can't be good?

CW: Never mind and left the Workroom

end of story: kind of distanced herself away from me


Another example:

I was attending a teacher certification workshop and we were meeting on-on one with mentors in the program. Everyone was waiting in a room for their name to be called. A guy who needed to leave got up next and the man in charge( also an old man) stopped him in his tracks and said,
No, you are not next, if I was to let anybody go next, it would be this young lady here (talking about me, only black in the room) because she is black. I have a black truck and my best friend is black. He said this like it was everyday normal conversation. EVERYBODY in the room, and my black self included could not believe what he said. Can we say TENSE MOMENT? Even though I was very upset, I was not going to jeopardize my future career or standards for this fool. I politely conducted my interview and proceeded to leave the room and filed a complaint with the head of the ACP program at the college.

I SAID ALL THAT TO SAY THIS, THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE SAYING AND MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT!!!

 

[Quest4healthyhair]

This guy that I'm friends with ( white guy ) tells me yesterday, " OMG your hair is so soft " and continues to stroke it for another minute or two. What did he expect SOS ? The point I'm trying to make is, Why are they so surprised that we have beautiful hair. And like Serpia said, Why couldn't my hair just be beautiful and leave off " for a black girl " part ?

 

[MrJohnsonsRib]

People down south will say racist things to me without thinking twice.
You are right this is one of those confused moments. Watch out for the racists that uplift one black person, and try to get them to look down on the others. Divide and conquer theory. . He was slipping in an insult with a compliment.

VERY WELL SAID!

 

[vestaluv1]

A few points:

First of all, when I read the title of the thread and saw it in quotation marks, I thought: 'Oh no they didn't '!

Second, if the other two black women that were there heard him say that, I can only imagine how messed up they must be feeling.

Third: It was supposed to be a compliment, but it was a blatant diss at the same time. As in, 'the colour of your skin tells me you shouldn't have 'pretty' hair'.
I wonder if he would have said the same thing if you had afro textured hair... I doubt it.

The truth is, a lot of people around us (even those who are black) are thinking the same thing... they're just not going to say it out load to your face in such an obvious way!

 

[gissellr78]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

You have beautiful hair...He could've left the black girl comment but i can see why he may have said it....not everyone takes care of their hair like the ladies on LHCF.

 

[Misseyl]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

Yep, and he's probably right. I would have just said "Thank You" and keep it moving. IMO, I don't have any time to internalize everything/anything someone does/says, especially if they are from a different race. I don't want people to watch what they say around me because they think I might become offended. He might just want to compliment you on your beautiful hair..