am I being to sensitive?

[nemi95]

I've been thinking about a comment my co-worker made several hours ago and I can't get it out my mind. First let me start off by saying I work in an industry that's predominately white male. I think we probably have 2000 employees in my location and about 70% are men. There are only a handful of blacks and I'm one of the few black women. Probably less than 30 black women.

Well I got married 2.5 years ago and my life completely changed. I went from getting my relaxed hair done every 2 weeks to transitiong with 2 stepdaughters and a baby many from help. I should also mention I put on about 20lbs.

My hair has always been APL, but it was so damaged my sister used to always say she knew where I sat because I left broken shed hair everywhere! I used to flat iron my hair every morning. I cut my hair off to NL two times since then and its never straight. Anyhow he made a comment that I never came to work with nappy hair before I got married. I wanted to go off on him, but I laughed it off.

I have a pretty open relationship with him and I've never been afraid to express my opinion. This was such a shock. I know if he had the nerve to say this everyone else is probably thinking it. I see natural hair will not work professionally for me. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[cookiemonster287]

....what was the comment?

 

[nemi95]

....what was the comment?

Sorry but I hit send too early.

 

[faithVA]

nemi95[/USER];17847481]I've been thinking about q comment my co-worker made several hours ago and I can't get it out my mind. First let me start off by saying I work in an industry that's predominately white male. I think we probably have 2000 employees iny location and about 70% are men, there are only a handful of blacks and I'm one of the few black women. Probably less than 30 black women.

Well I got married 2.5 years ago and my life completely changed. I went from getting my relaxed hair done every 2 weeks to transitiong. My hair has always been APL, but it was so damaged my sister used to always say she knew where I sat because I left broken shed hair everywhere! I used to flat iron my hair every morning. I cut my hair off to NL two times since then and its never straight. Anyhow he made a comment that I never came to work with nappy hair before I got married. I wanted to go off on him, but I laughed it off.

I have a pretty open relationship with him and I've never been afraid to express my opinion. This was such a shock. I know if he had the nerve to say this everyone else is probably thinking it. I see natural hair will not work professionally for me. Does anyone have any suggestions?

How do you feel about your hair?

There is a big jump from someone making a comment to natural hair won't work professionally for you. Do you feel comfortable with your hair?

 

[ariqone]

Well, 1) I don't think you're being too sensitive, but 2) I don't think this means you cannot wear natural hair professionally.

 

[nemi95]

I love my braid outs, but I prefer the look of straight hair more. I just don't straighten my hair because heat is what caused all my hair struggles in the past. I have 4a hair and I do struggle. This just came at a time when I was thinking about cutting so I can wear a WNG.

 

[nemi95]

I work in the oil industry. If you can imagine that.....

 

[faithVA]

I love my braid outs, but I prefer the look of straight hair more. I just don't straighten my hair because heat is what caused all my hair struggles in the past. I have 4a hair and I do struggle. This just came at a time when I was thinking about cutting so I can wear a WNG.

What he said is ridiculous. And can just be ignored, unless you feel up to going back to him and setting him straight.

But the real issue is what's going on inside of you about your hair. Decide what you want to do for your hair because it works for you and makes you feel good. Don't let what he said have any influence on your decision.

 

[Mjon912]

I wouldn't have thought twice about it... Most AA people outside of this forum still refer to our hair as nappy, I view it as a Tomato Tomoto thing. Would you have felt differently if he said kinky, coily, curly or something like that? 'Now if he said 'your hair always looked so pretty before you got married, now it's always nappy and messy' I would have felt some kind of way

 

[nemi95]

Well, I do have hair issues, its a sensitive subject. I've got the kinky hair in the family. Not the 3b hair my mom and sister both have. What I got out the comment is that by getting married I've let myself go downhill. I think I tell him too much.

 

[nemi95]

I wouldn't have thought twice about it... Most AA people outside of this forum still refer to our hair as nappy, I view it as a Tomato Tomoto thing. Would you have felt differently if he said kinky, coily, curly or something like that? 'Now if he said 'your hair always looked so pretty before you got married, now it's always nappy and messy' I would have felt some kind of way

I felt like that's what he meant! He said I used to get my hair done all the time now I'm always coming to work with nappy hair. I'm sensitive about my hair. I try not to be, but I am.

 

[faithVA]

I felt like that's what he meant! He said I used to get my hair done all the time now I'm always coming to work with nappy hair. I'm sensitive about my hair. I try not to be, but I am.

That's something you need to keep working on, the idea that your hair isn't quite right because it's not 3b, or straight or whatever. And that your hair has anything to do with your value or your beauty.

Even if he doesn't say anything you will still be feeling it. It hurt more because he said out loud what you are thinking to yourself. Not justifying his actions. But eliminating him from the picture doesn't resolve the underlying issue.

 

[bunnie82]

How were you wearing your hair when he made that comment?

 

[nemi95]

How were you wearing your hair when he made that comment?

I put an old braidout into a French roll.

 

[nemi95]

That's something you need to keep working on, the idea that your hair isn't quite right because it's not 3b, or straight or whatever. And that your hair has anything to do with your value or your beauty.

Even if he doesn't say anything you will still be feeling it. It hurt more because he said out loud what you are thinking to yourself. Not justifying his actions. But eliminating him from the picture doesn't resolve the underlying issue.

Yes, I do feel this is true. I'm not fully comfortable with my natural hair, but I keep telling myself its ok.

 

[bunnie82]

I put an old braidout into a French roll.

Pssshh...Don't pay that ignorant fool no mind.....he doesn't know any better....His preference is probably chix with relaxed hair....you're married so who GAF what he thinks!

also....if you don't like something about yourself change it for the better....don't depress over it....

 

[faithVA]

Yes, I do feel this is true. I'm not fully comfortable with my natural hair, but I keep telling myself its ok.

What would it take for you to be comfortable with your hair. Your hair is a type 4, so we know having type 3 is out of the question. What would it take for you to be ok with your hair?

My hair is challenging so I know its not easy. I went to work with my hair in a flat twisted mess. But I was like whatever, I'm not getting ready to spend any more time with it. So I know some days are tough.

 

[geejay]

If you don't really want to wear your hair natural, that's totally OK. There are a lot of techniques available to help achieve long healthy relaxed hair.

That said, I think natural hair can absolutely work in a professional environment. But you can't necessarily expect other people to embrace natural hair, if you can't. If you like it, they will love it. But if you feel unattractive with it, they will tune into that and readily agree, it must be the naps that are the problem.

When I went natural I had to change some aesthetic expectations and that change didn't happen overnight. I had to evolve to appreciate what natural hair does well, and not be so fixated on the things that straight hair does well. And my husband had to evolve too. But the more I loved my natural hair, the sexier and more confident I felt with it, the more attractive I and my kinks became to him.

I don't want to come off as a natural hair pusher. If you really like the aesthetic of straight hair, that's great. Just set your mind to acquiring healthy straightened hair practices. There is an absolute treasure trove of info about getting relaxed hair in tip top shape. (hint: look into the roller setting thread for low/no heat ways to get bouncing and behaving hair that you can then style into professional and protective updos and buns.)

Long story short, your hair should be an accessory that you are proud of and that makes you feel good. Make whatever choices you need to get to that place where you are flipping your hair in your co-workers face and know in your soul that you are FIRE!

P.S. Don't let your coworker get you down. You're gonna get this hair thing on track. You are in the right place

 

[naturalmanenyc]

You can take it two ways 1) teachable moment or 2) get upset and tell him off.

I had a Black male colleague call my hair nappy. I did both. lol lol I told him off and then reminded him that he is very young in his career and he might not want to insult Black women by making rude comments about curly hair since not every Black woman wears her hair relaxed. What he calls "nappy" in a rude and offensive way is considered curly, coily and nappy (in a good way) to those of us with natural hair.

Oh, and my hair was in a fierce twist out that day.

 

[Mjon912]

But that's not what he said...my dad always used to say never assume, you make an a.ss out of you and me ... Guys aren't usually that catty and say what they are thinking...maybe your not completely comfortable with your hair which can make you think others aren't

Eta reading other posts... Would it have bothered you if he said 'your always coming to work with your hair curly'...he may in fact like your 'nappy' hair styles but just not know that most black people get hurt feelings when you call their hair nappy instead of kinky or coily or whatever

 

[Seamonster]

I am sensitive about my weight. I am underweight and have to struggle to eat. My true friends know this and encourage me. This guy sounds like a hater that has sensed your weak spot.
Hold your head up high, he will probably be getting a curly perm next year.

 

[lamaria211]

I am sensitive about my weight. I am underweight and have to struggle to eat. My true friends know this and encourage me. This guy sounds like a hater that has sensed your weak spot.
Hold your head up high, he will probably be getting a curly perm next year.

You sound like me. One time while in hs I used to set my phone to alarm every 2 hours to remind me to eat something. It worked to help me gain a few lbs, but as soon as I stopped my weight quickly went back down to my normal

 

[londonfog]

You mentioned that y'all are pretty open with each other so I think he said that comment out of ignorance assuming that you would be okay with it & not necessarily to offend you. Especially if you don't usually take offense if he says something. I think that the word "nappy" to begin with was a little inconsiderate but maybe you could ask him what he meant by that comment for clarity. Then you be able to address it from that point by either letting him know that "nappy" is considered to be a derogatory word & not a term of endearment despite what his momma might have taught him (maybe leave out the part about his momma), or that your family comes first & that the thought to straighten your hair before work (for his benefit) does not cross your mind when dressing & feeding your kids in the morning. I feel that you handled yourself well though in not snapping off on him because that kind of comment can be taking out of context very easily. I'll be the first to admit that I would have probably had give him the "There is only 1 exit out of the building" look before walking away leaving him to mellow in his own ignorance.

 

[londonfog]

I am sensitive about my weight. I am underweight and have to struggle to eat. My true friends know this and encourage me. This guy sounds like a hater that has sensed your weak spot.
Hold your head up high, he will probably be getting a curly perm next year.

curly perm!!!! I used to have a few "hater" co-workers some years back (in my 120s lbs years) that would call me "boney, skinny, etc." tell me that I need to eat some hamhocks & cornbread, all kinds of stupid stuff. I actually could eat what I wanted back then & not gain a pound. I kept my temper in check (it was awful back then) & would just go about my business but because it had gone on too long, I decided to confront one of them one day in front of the others about it & she tried to brush it off as a compliment. "No ma'am!! These are not complimentary words & they should not be confused with "slim, petite, small" which ACTUALLY are complimentary words. I don't tell you to lay off of the cornbread so keep your comments to yourself." I never heard anything from any of them again. I wonder why ! Just a side note, I love cornbread & hamhocks (country girl all day long) and I already was eating them but it wasn't their business.