"You got pretty hair for a black girl"

[Sepia_Rose]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

 

[gymfreak336]

Give em the "white girl" hair toss and say white girls wish they could be this lucky

J/K .....I can understand where alot of that comes from looking at other heads of hair sometimes but I have also seen some jacked white girl heads too.

Pretty hair is pretty hair, regardless of if someone is black or white.

 

[Paradox]

An old white man told me that today at work and I didn't know if I should be offended or not. erplexed It was a compliment I guess. And when I looked around the office at the other customers in line, of the two black women one had an awful and obvious blonde weave and the other's was so dry and brittle that it looked like a breeze could blow it straight off her head. So I can kind of understand where he might get the impression that black women's hair don't generally look good but on the other hand he didn't have to call out a whole race like that. Why couldn't I just have pretty hair PERIOD. But I live in the deep south so I should be used to stuff like this by now.

People down south will say racist things to me without thinking twice.
You are right this is one of those confused moments. Watch out for the racists that uplift one black person, and try to get them to look down on the others. Divide and conquer theory. . He was slipping in an insult with a compliment.

 

[Sepia_Rose]

People down south will say racist things to me without thinking twice.
You are right this is one of those confused moments. Watch out for the racists that uplift one black person, and try to get them to look down on the others. Divide and conquer theory. . He was slipping in an insult with a compliment.

That's exactly what I thought so I just kept my mouth shut. Didn't say thank you, didn't say nothing.

J/K .....I can understand where alot of that comes from looking at other heads of hair sometimes but I have also seen some jacked white girl heads too.

That's the truth if I ever heard it. Most around here are in the same boat as everybody else when it comes to hair issues.

 

[jamaraa]

Damned by faint praise,eh? Well, he's working from the stereotype that Black women tend to have short hair and/or fake hair and you have neither....just take it "as is" and keep on stepping. Unfortunately he IS accurate, but was tactless for saying so. Oh well, so many speak w/o thinking. LOL...a cold stare and pithy thanks is a good reply.

 

[collegeDoll]

hmmm i guess thats the hair equivelent as "your so pretty for a dark skin girl" WTF?!! {fudge....what the fudge}

anywho, that sounds like an akward place to be in. i would just raise my eyebrow, nod my head and turn and walk away.....not without hittin him in the face with my beautiful hair....hard!! lol

 

[Butterfly08]

Man, the title alone made me mad. rolleyes:

 

[Barbara]

Damned by faint praise,eh? Well, he's working from the stereotype that Black women tend to have short hair and/or fake hair and you have neither....just take it "as is" and keep on stepping. Unfortunately he IS accurate, but was tactless for saying so. Oh well, so many speak w/o thinking. LOL...a cold stare and pithy thanks is a good reply.

I agree.

 

[TaurusAngel]

That is such a shame. Its good he recognizes how nice your hair looks, but to clump all black women hair together like that is wrong. He must not see a lot of black women.

 

[Makenzie]

I think you could have at least been courteous. You could have responded "thank you but there are many more just like me", or some such.

 

[Paradox]

That would have encouraged it...he wants he to be all flattered and make her feel "special" That was how the British was able to separate the Africans. Racists know that there are other black women with nice hair...they just pretend to know the stereotypes and act ignorant.

 

[Supergirl]

He most likely thought he was saying something nice and had no malicious intent, but the truth is that what he said is insensitive.

 

[HairBarbie]

You should have been like "I have pretty hair for any race" and do a white girl flip.

But seriously, it's one of those compliments that are in a form of an insult, don't let it bother you.

 

[Sepia_Rose]

I think you could have at least been courteous. You could have responded "thank you but there are many more just like me", or some such.

Girl I was too shocked and in too big of a hurry for that. I just smiled and went on bout my business. And you know it was kind of a messed up thing to say when the white woman behind him in line just looked at the floor and shook her head. The sista with the dandelion hair looked like she wanted to say plenty enough for both of us tho.

 

[Paradox]

Damned by faint praise,eh? Well, he's working from the stereotype that Black women tend to have short hair and/or fake hair and you have neither....just take it "as is" and keep on stepping. Unfortunately he IS accurate, but was tactless for saying so. Oh well, so many speak w/o thinking. LOL...a cold stare and pithy thanks is a good reply.

It is not the fact that he is right, it is the fact that he is trying to portray black women as less of a women, less feminine, ugly. I've dealt with ALOT of racist online and in real life and one thing they love to degrade is our hair. A cold, blank stare is the correct response, in fact i would have pretended as if I didn't even hear it.

 

[Paradox]

Girl I was too shocked and in too big of a hurry for that. I just smiled and went on bout my business. And you know it was kind of a messed up thing to say when the white woman behind him in line just looked at the floor and shook her head. The sista with the dandelion hair looked like she wanted to say plenty enough for both of us tho.

I think that white people get enough explanations( usually some black person is trying to prove we are not all alikeerplexed). But no matter what racists will still hate us. I probably would have ignored him.

 

[jamaraa]

It is not the fact that he is right, it is the fact that he is trying to portray black wome as less of a women, less feminine, ugly. I've dealt with ALOT of racist online and in real life and one thing they love to degrade is our hair. A cold, blank stare is the correct response, in fact i would have pretended as if I didn't even here it.

I think you're reading too much into this specific incident. People usually say this sort of thing w/o intending harm, so that should be taken into account when you react. The truth is that we're dealing w/ a White standard of beauty here....her hair conforms to that and he said so. All of this is unfortunate, but that's the way it is.

If HE and others feel that Black women are less feminine and all that jazz if we DO NOT conform to at White standard, that's his look out. You and I both know that many of those who denigrate Black women's hair are also Black people (usually men). I'd give THEM the exact same response as I said about the old White dude.

 

[Paradox]

I think you're reading too much into this specific incident. People usually say this sort of thing w/o intending harm, so that should be taken into account when you react. The truth is that we're dealing w/ a White standard of beauty here....her hair conforms to that and he said so. All of this is unfortunate, but that's the way it is.

If HE and others feel that Black women are less feminine and all that jazz if we DO NOT conform to at White standard, that's his look out. You and I both know than many of those who denigrate Black women's hair are also Black people (usually men). I'd give THEM the exact same response as I said about the old White dude.

I used to think that I was reading too much into those comments until really started interacting with racists. You are right, if anyone made the same comment I woud have given the same response

 

[jamaraa]

I used to think that I was reading too much into those comments until really started interacting with racists. You are right, if anyone made the same comment I woud have given the same response

Perhaps it's my age, but stuff like that doesn't phase me anymore. I've gotten it from all kinds of people and not only about hair. Of course, I'm also a cynic.

She said the guy was old and if you've been around old people you know they can be incredibly tactless at times. LOL...they did NOT get the meme about political correctness.

Frankly...more than racism, it's the sexism that bothers me. The idea that women are supposed to have some cookie cutter way of being in order to be some vague notion of "feminine". White women who don't fit the stereotypes deal w/ this sort of nonsense too. I can't imagine what a non butch lesbian goes thru.

 

[soulie]

I think he meant a genuine compliment without attempting to degrade the OP. She said an OLD white man. Take the compliment in the context of the person who gave it. An OLD white man in the south would have been raised in an era where a racial distinction would have been expected when giving a compliment.

I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's contemporary, but you KNOW how old people are set in their ways. Think of some of the things that your own grandmother might have said that made you just want to shudder. I remember as a child when Negro was the word "nice" people used, and "black" meant you must be a Panther or some such 'radical' thing - and I'm talking about how African Americans referred to themselves and each other - not how we were referred to by whites.

My aunt (who would be around 100 this year) had NO problem saying somebody had good hair, or asking me 'where is that yalla boy you been messing with'.... politically incorrect to us, but that's from the era in which she developed.

 

[TaurusAngel]

lol, I live in the Deep South as well, and u can never read TOO much into something. A lot of people are hardcore down here. smh.

 

[Coffee]

The fact that he was an "old" white man, I would have given him the benefit of doubt. I just tend to do that with all older people, black, red, green or white. They were brought up in a different era. Just my 5cents worth.

 

[Makenzie]

Girl I was too shocked and in too big of a hurry for that. I just smiled and went on bout my business. And you know it was kind of a messed up thing to say when the white woman behind him in line just looked at the floor and shook her head. The sista with the dandelion hair looked like she wanted to say plenty enough for both of us tho.

Yeah, it's definitely an awkward position to be in.

I think he meant a genuine compliment without attempting to degrade the OP. She said an OLD white man. Take the compliment in the context of the person who gave it. An OLD white man in the south would have been raised in an era where a racial distinction would have been expected when giving a compliment.

I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's contemporary, but you KNOW how old people are set in their ways. Think of some of the things that your own grandmother might have said that made you just want to shudder. I remember as a child when Negro was the word "nice" people used, and "black" meant you must be a Panther or some such 'radical' thing - and I'm talking about how African Americans referred to themselves and each other - not how we were referred to by whites.

My aunt (who would be around 100 this year) had NO problem saying somebody had good hair, or asking me 'where is that yalla boy you been messing with'.... politically incorrect to us, but that's from the era in which she developed.

That's exactly what I thouht, especially the bolded. Couple of years ago an old white gentlemen referred to me as colored when talking about me to his wife. At first I was like. When he was in his prime 'colored' was the term and now he's set in his ways. Is it right? NO!!!! Do I think it was meant to be offensive? No I don't. Sadly I've met up with some real racist jerks. You know the kind, the ones with a 'black buddy'. Anyway, I just didn't see this as intentional. Just an old man being an old man.

 

[Sepia_Rose]

The fact that he was an "old" white man, I would have given him the benefit of doubt. I just tend to do that with all older people, black, red, green or white. They were brought up in a different era. Just my 5cents worth.

And I think that was probably the case with him. Nothing seemed malicious about it, he just seemed so shocked and was so blunt about it. I was just like . We weren't even talking about anything so how you just gon bring up somebody's hair out the blue like that? But I've still been referred to as 'colored' a time or two so I probably shouldn't have even given this mess a second thought.

 

[Lanea87]

I would have personally said "Thanks" and been on my way. I am not sure if he meant any harm, but if he was being ugly about it I would still be kind. God doesnt like ugly. This comment wanst intended for anyone in case someone takes it in the wrong direction.

 

[Paradox]

lol, I live in the Deep South as well, and u can never read TOO much into something. A lot of people are hardcore down here. smh.

I cosign with this.

 

[Paradox]

And I think that was probably the case with him. Nothing seemed malicious about it, he just seemed so shocked and was so blunt about it. I was just like . We weren't even talking about anything so how you just gon bring up somebody's hair out the blue like that? But I've still been referred to as 'colored' a time or two so I probably shouldn't have even given this mess a second thought.

although the comment may have not been malicious, I am pretty sure his way of thinking about black women/ black people in general is. I really doubt he was shocked...as an old person I am pretty sure he has seen black women with beautiful hair.erplexed

 

[jamaraa]

although the comment may have not been malicious, I am pretty sure his way of thinking about black women/ black people in general is. I really doubt he was shocked...as an old person I am pretty sure he has seen black women with beautiful hair.erplexed

To tell the truth, it's probably rather rare that he's seen many Black women w/ hair like the OPs. Let's face it, even people (Black people) shown this site are many times skeptical that the hair they see isn't store bought. Very few Black women of the older generations had the tools or knowledge to have maximum growth as they do now, hence this site existing. IOW, I don't assume he's seen it very often and was surprised.

My question is, what exactly do you DO about this kind of thing aside from being permanently offended? I'm curious because I don't live in the Deep South and I have a very healthy ego, so what exactly does one do to change these attitudes and frankly, why should one really care?

I'm not trying to be funny, but I'm genuinely interested in what you think is the solution. This seems to bother you far more than the OP, so I'm genuinely curious.

 

[~marti26.]

I would have courteously replied, "you look clean for an older white man".

Don't get me wrong. I'm not racist in any way, but I would have just wanted to give him a piece of what he was giving, whatever the intention. He may have grown up in a certain era but ay, times change and so does what's socially acceptable. That implies that all other, or most black women's hair is what. Even if his comment was based on the other black women in the office , that still does not make it right. Just like if there were 2 other dirty old white men in the place, it would still be wrong for me to "genuinely" tell him how great it was that he could rise above his trifling and dirty white counterparts and take a bath.

 

[Paradox]

To tell the truth, it's probably rather rare that he's seen many Black women w/ hair like the OPs. Let's face it, even people (Black people) shown this site are many times skeptical that the hair they see isn't store bought. Very few Black women of the older generations had the tools or knowledge to have maximum growth as they do now, hence this site existing. IOW, I don't assume he's seen it very often and was surprised.

My question is, what exactly do you DO about this kind of thing aside from being permanently offended? I'm curious because I don't live in the Deep South and I have a very healthy ego, so what exactly does one do to change these attitudes and frankly, why should one really care?

I'm not trying to be funny, but I'm genuinely interested in what you think is the solution. This seems to bother you far more than the OP, so I'm genuinely curious.

You seem pretty fiesty I will answer this tomorrow when you have cooled down. I don't believe in internet fights.erplexed