You are an IDIOT if you get married at 24, 25, 26 up to 29!

princessnad

princessnad

New Member
This is what I heard when studying at a cafe from an extremely loud, obnoxious patron. Apparently she is a law student. She was black sitting with 2 other black women and a white woman. The white one was the only one defending marriage if you meet the right person, for the right reasons in your mid-twenties. She goes on to say that for WHITE women, marriage is important. Then the black women go on to agree that it is, in fact, a white woman thing. :look:


I was sitting there with my 25 year old self with my big rock blinging looking forward to my wedding in T minus 27 days and giggling. It's one thing to say you are not ready for marriage right now. But to call those who are idiots… I have a feeling she will regret this when she is older.
 
hmm another case of an angry black woman bitter about her past relationship

***i always wanted to say that lol***
 
Sounds like an immature defense mechanism. For her to go so hard like that makes me think that she really wants to get married :look:

But it's ok boo-boo...she can keep lying to herself :yep:

Judging by the threads being created in this section, marriage is certainly not something only whites want :yawn:
 
princessnad said:
... It's one thing to say you are not ready for marriage right now. But to call those who are idiots...
Click to expand...
Yup or to say that you haven't found the right person, but I guess projecting and getting loud in public has more of an effect. :spinning:
 
She'll eat her words later on when she has no one. I understand being in mid-20s and not ready or not wanting to be married right then, but to generalize like that is ridiculous.:nono::nono:
 
I pretty much agree with the other posts in here - sounds a lot like insecurity (and foolishness, to be frank). Anyway, congrats on your engagement and impending marriage :)
 
Hahaha. I was sort of hoping to come in here and read something about why it's better to marry after 30(since I'm 31) but alas...!

That girl does sound like a bitter moron. Sucks to be her, I bet!
 
Why did the white woman turn it into a race matter as if no other race of women want to be married? She sounds just as ignorant as the black woman for agreeing.
 
I was at a conference this weekend and the girl who I was with (white,21) said she could NOT imagine herself being my age (24) and not being married....:ohwell:

:rolleyes:I thinking to myself "When was I supposed to get married... I had things to do!" :perplexed lol I always thought 30 was the target and I am wishing/hoping/praying for 28...ish :lol:
 
After my divorce at 23 I had those same thoughts - NOT the racial stereotypes, but about marriage before 30-something in general. (Matter of fact where I'm from, it was rare for me to meet a white woman under the age of 30 and married).

The difference was I kept it completely to myself. I knew I was hurting at the fact that the life I thought I was going to have wasn't meant to be. Perhaps that woman is feeling a lot of pain.
 
I just read an article title that says people who get married in their 20s are more likely to divorce. I side eye the article and did not read it. If I can find it, I'll post the link.

ETA: The study was for marriage between 20 and 25

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/sc-fam-0513-young-married-20100513,0,870347.story

By Monica Watrous, McClatchy/Tribune News May 15, 2010

You're young and in love. Why not seal the deal? But somewhere between pining for white gowns and wedded bliss, along comes Captain Buzzkill with The Stat.

You know the one: Nearly 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce.

And if you're young, look out — it gets uglier. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, about 60 percent of couples who marry between 20 and 25 are destined for divorce.

We knew marriage was hard, but why is it so much harder for young couples?

Most early marriages fail primarily because of emotional immaturity and limited life experience. Science plays a role too.

"In our 20s, sometimes we don't have a strong sense of who we are as an individual," said Elaine Spencer-Carver, a social-work professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City.

Young couples may have the chemistry but often lack the history that sustains unions.

"Younger people are more apt to go into marriage with the expectation that the other person is going to fulfill them," said Peg Donley, a licensed marital therapist in Prairie Village, Kan. "Older people are probably a little more seasoned, more realistic."

Additionally, young couples often lack the benefit of time together.

"If you talk to people who have had long-term marriages, they talk about the fun they have together," Spencer-Carver said. "Young people don't have the opportunity to build positive memories to carry them through the difficult times."

Even science is working against you when you're young and in love. Donley attributes brain activity to bungled bonds.

"Women's brains are not fully developed until age 25, and men's brains develop later, between the ages of 25 and 30," Donley said. "I tell my kids, 'You don't want to get married before your brain is fully developed.' "

Endorphins also factor in. "People under 25 tend to think that marriage is going to make them happy," Donley said. "They feel so good when they're with this person, and that's the way it's going to stay. Statistics indicate that endorphins involved in marriage only last three years."

After that, she said, couples who rely on romance are in trouble.

"People who jump into marriage very quickly tend to have unrealistic expectations about what marriage is going to provide over the long haul," Donley said.

So if all signs and statistics point to disaster, why would couples still get married so young?

"All of us get caught up in romance," Spencer-Carver said, "and that often brings about young marriages."

Marriage and divorce by the numbers

The average age for first marriage: 26 for women, 28 for men

50 percent of all marriages end in divorce.

60 percent of all couples who marry between 20 and 25 divorce.

More than 50 percent of all first marriages are preceded by living together.

The dissolution rate for women who live with their future spouse before getting married is nearly 80 percent higher than the rate of those who do not.

Sources: The National Marriage Project/University of Virginia, National Center for Health Statistics, Yale University and Columbia University-American Sociological Review
 
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^^
There IS a lot of truth in that article.

Most early marriages fail primarily because of emotional immaturity and limited life experience. Science plays a role too.

"In our 20s, sometimes we don't have a strong sense of who we are as an individual," said Elaine Spencer-Carver, a social-work professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City.

Young couples may have the chemistry but often lack the history that sustains unions.
Click to expand...

:yep::yep:
 
My aunt who has been married for over 30 years and got married at 19 says she strongly reccommends people not marry as young as she did, and says retrospectively she thinks 30 is a good time to settle down. I give her more credit than that girl the OP described though-- my aunt says to wait and take marriage seriously and that its not all romance--that girl on the otherhand sounds crazy,over the top, defensive and carrying some serious hurt.

The only advice I have ever gotten was wait until I am done with my education, something i heard from all my relatives since I was a little kid.

I don't think all young marriages are doomed to fail or miserable. Thats ridiculous and disheartening. But I do think theres a personal maturity I generally notice in people 25 and up.

Sent from my iPhone
 
Interesting - I'd feel like an idiot getting married so young. I would not advise anyone to get married at 24 or 25, but that's always been my personal opinion on it even when I was indeed those ages. I do agree with a lot of what the article touched on also.
 
I did it, 2x and it didn't work. BUT , I think it all depends on how you were raised, the quality of your support system, and "prior drama" in the couples lives.

AND it depends on the couples dedication to the "institution" of marriage.
 
I agree with the other posters that this sister is obviously hurt by something and using that to falsely generalize an entire group of people.

As a mid 30 year old divorcee who got married in her mid 20's due to pressure from her family (followed by a divorce 2 years later), I will add thie perspecitve...

Everyone's story is different. You can't say that marriage is a WHITE choice, becuase I work with several white women in their mid to late 40's who decided to focus on their careers and forego marriage. Likewise, I know several black women who have dreamed of the church and white dress since they were little girls and would welcome marriage in their 20's. To make a generalization like that is unfair.

It sounds to me as if this woman may have let the reality of the dating situation for successful black women to cloud her overall judgment. Yes, the odds are stacked against ALL black women when we consider how small the dating pool is in general...especially if you want to be with a BLACK man, but when you add a certain level of success (i.e. attorney) to that equation, the odds become even more unfavorable. Most "successful" women want an equally or more successful partner. Unfortunatley, in the black community, successful men either date outside the race or realize they are commodities and have no intentions of settling down (that's a whole new thread).

That being said, you are not an IDIOT to want to be married in your mid 20's. As long as your reasons are honorable, I say do you.
 
Saw this and it made me think of this thread. She's 40 now with a law degree, her husband is a playwright, and they just wrote a relationship book together upon popular request. There were a lot more pics of them, but the pics were too large to insert.

The-Lambs.jpg


20100905175933_david_and_jamillah_lamb_speaking_to_nyc_prinicpals_for_web.jpg


Author: Jamillah lamb

I recently celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe that the time has flown by so quickly and been so joyful. As I walked down the aisle 10 years ago, I never would have predicted that 10 years later, my husband and I would be business partners -- producing Off-Broadway theater no less! -- spending 24 hours, seven days a week together and loving it.

As I reflect back on my 10 years of marriage with my wonderful husband David, I chuckle at the fact that during those first few years, I refused to be called a "wife". I mean "girlfriend" and "fiancée" were fine. But "wife"... whoa, that was a loaded term and I was not accepting it.

I moved out of my parents' home at 18 and got married at age 30. So in between I had plenty of "me" time, plenty of time to explore and be an independent single gal. I lived in three different cities, including a jaunt across the country to the west coast.

I loved having my independence. After growing up with slightly strict, okay very strict (I didn't even have my first date until I was the ripe old age of 21) parents, I was ready to make my own rules. I was ready to be on my own and in control. But what did this mean? I had no clue.

I knew that I could decide what I wanted to wear. I could decide what to cook (or not cook for dinner -- hence the gaining of 10 post-college pounds, since the only action my stove saw was the underside of the pizza box as it rested on top). I could decide what movie to see, what car to buy, what apartment to rent. But it also meant I had to decide what car to buy, what apartment to rent and what movie to see (sometimes by myself). The transition from being told what to do to deciding what to do for myself was hard but rewarding. I needed to learn what I liked, and that my opinion mattered.

In my first few relationships I was struggling as much with wanting to be in control as with wanting to have my fantasy boyfriend. In the process, I went a little overboard sometimes. I either gave too much of myself (I bought one of my early boyfriends about five Valentine's gifts while I later found out he only considered us dating and barely wished me Happy Valentine's Day) or too little (on the other hand, I nearly took off the head of a guy on our first date because he bought my subway token and put it in the slot for me. I thought, "does this guy think that I can't buy my own token?!").

As I matured, I came to realize that our struggle for control is not with another person, but within ourselves. I learned to push myself so that I could garner more confidence. I remember the first time I went to a movie by myself; I probably had on dark shades, a sunhat and a scarf, just in case anyone saw me. Now that I am married with a 4-year-old, I would text the world I am going to the movies by myself, "Wooo hoooo!" if I could.

Luckily, David escaped some of my earlier attempts at finding myself and finding balance, but not completely. The first few years of our marriage I REFUSED to be a called a wife. I mean I loved my husband and I loved being married, but I did not want to be called a wife. Why? I had rigid ideas in my head about what the term "wife" meant. A wife for me meant a woman who cooked and cleaned for her man -- and as my matron of honor said at my wedding, "I don't know why anyone bought any dishes, because Jamillah is not cooking". A wife was a secondary complement to the man. A wife had no other identity. I mean what happened to my name... now I am just wife. I don't think so. Now let me say that none of this had anything to do with my husband. He never once imposed a role on me... he knew before we got married that I couldn't cook. My ideas all had to do with my past. I was taking the role I saw my mother play and rebelling against it and allowing my past make me fearful of my future.

It took some time, but once I realized this, I realized that I had the control within me and no one could change who I was or my worth by calling me a wife. I came to understand what my aunt meant when she told me a few weeks after my wedding "Be a good wife." She meant be that person who makes him happy and who he can rely on. And doing that doesn't mean giving up any part of me.

Even though I am shy by nature, I am grateful that being in theater has forced David and I to share our love publicly and emboldened so many audience members to ask us how we managed to spend all of our time together without killing each other!

Unwittingly becoming relationship advisors to so many people has encouraged us to constantly look at the lessons of our love and given us the courage to finally share what we've learned. I don't say I am the champion of love, but I will say without hesitation that I am a cheerleader for love!

So with three cheers, here are three tips that have helped me have love and happiness:

1. Let my past be my past. Always be present in this relationship (don't let old hurts from the past negatively influence your present relationship).
2. Let him care about you.
3. Keep it simple (and silly). Keep comedy in their life. Happy husband, good loving.
 
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