women whose husbands speak for them

janaq2003

janaq2003

Well-Known Member
Lately, Ive been having patients who act like they cannot talk. Im asking questions, trying to get a med history and the hubby is doing all the talking while she sits there mute!!! Have you guys ever encountered that... a husband so overbearing and controlling the woman doesnt speak??!
 
janaq2003 said:
Lately, Ive been having patients who act like they cannot talk. Im asking questions, trying to get a med history and the hubby is doing all the talking while she sits there mute!!! Have you guys ever encountered that... a husband so overbearing and controlling the woman doesnt speak??!
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I usually run into the opposite, the husband is mute, unless they weren't born in the USA, then it is the men who are the spokes model. That is just their relationship dynamics.

I also frequently have grown men whole let their mother speak for them, now that burns me us.
 
Most men I have come across don't even know what meds they are on. The wife does all the talking. But these are people of euro descent.
 
Yea all the time and I would get annoyed but I had to learn it was a cultural thing. In my mind if I'm asking about your menstrual history the man shouldn't be answering or talking at all at this point. Really dude you know when she cramping....
 
When I used to take my FH to the doctor with me, he would do a lot of talking. He used to ask more questions about my health and the medicines they prescribe to me then I asked myself. I loved it because he asked a lot of questions I never would have thought about. Or if I forgot to mention something about my history he would bring it up.

I stopped bringing him to my appointments though because every time I would bring him, a nurse would pull me to the side and ask if he was abusing me. It made FH uncomfortable and he thinks they have a file on him or something.
 
My mom recently went through a bout of cancer treatment and my dad would do that. In his case, the reason is that when asked how she was feeling my mom would say fine or just be vague about her symptoms. So my dad started taking notes so he could tell the doctor. Like 'on this day, she complained of being really cold, this day she had back pain, etc'

The funny part is that my mom is a nurse and should know better, but there you have it.
 
ladysaraii said:
My mom recently went through a bout of cancer treatment and my dad would do that. In his case, the reason is that when asked how she was feeling my mom would say fine or just be vague about her symptoms. So my dad started taking notes so he could tell the doctor. Like 'on this day, she complained of being really cold, this day she had back pain, etc'

The funny part is that my mom is a nurse and should know better, but there you have it.
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^^I did the same for my Mom during her cancer treatments. She didn't like doctors and was scary about the whole process, so I acted as her advocate and would have speak up about her medications, eating habits, new concerns, moods, etc....

Sometimes. you will get a more accurate response from a family member than the patient.

The only times I can think of personally is when my husband has given "both" our orders at a restaurant - he's paying so let him do all the work! :)
 
Ganjababy said:
Most men I have come across don't even know what meds they are on. The wife does all the talking. But these are people of euro descent.
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This is so true!! I work in a pharmacy and 99% of men regardless of race don't know what meds they take, their wife's DOB, their kids' DOB, or anything. Most of the time, I end up speaking to their wives or they end up calling them while at the counter like, "Honey, what is little Johnny's DOB?"
 
I'm guilty of speaking a lot when I go to dr appointments with DH but it's because he has a million and one complaints at home but when he goes to the doctor "I'm just here for a check up.":rolleyes:

I find that women do most of the talking with exception of those who are not American born.
 
I've been a nurse for 10 years and wives are the reason why some of my patients live as long as they do. Women tend to be better historians and record keepers. Rarely do I see a husband speak more in an examination room unless the wife is not being forthcoming with info.
 
I'm glad it's not just me that notices this. If you listened to the husband you wouldn't get any history. I ask something as simple as "are you having chest pain?" And he looks at his wife to answer. If not for wives or daughters I wouldn't find anything out. Let's not even get into them not knowing their meds or their medical histories
 
I encounter this a lot. I work in the financial/title sector. I would be talking to a client and the wife proudly says "show him the documents he knows about these things." To which my answer is "what if he drops dead? Will you know where you stand financially?" They then get that ooh look on their faces and look stupid. I cannot tolerate stuff like that.
 
rafikichick92 said:
This is so true!! I work in a pharmacy and 99% of men regardless of race don't know what meds they take, their wife's DOB, their kids' DOB, or anything. Most of the time, I end up speaking to their wives or they end up calling them while at the counter like, "Honey, what is little Johnny's DOB?"
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Lol so true, I get a soft spot for the few men who know DOBs and basic information about their wives and kids. My favorite is when patients call in who are going into labor and their husbands and I need the DOB and they are afraid to ask their wives so they fumble around until they can't anymore.
 
I usually get the opposite where the wife is speaking for the husband and I hate it! Especially when I need a first hand account of an event while I'm investigating. On the other hand...I speak for my bf when we're out for example ordering bc 1) he hates talking to ppl 2) he's a bad communicator - he just can seen to articulate what he wants. So I just do it so his order won't come out wrong bc he won't say anything if it is and just the wrong item. He's so passive.
 
Tamrin said:
I encounter this a lot. I work in the financial/title sector. I would be talking to a client and the wife proudly says "show him the documents he knows about these things." To which my answer is "what if he drops dead? Will you know where you stand financially?" They then get that ooh look on their faces and look stupid. I cannot tolerate stuff like that.
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This gets on my nerves too. I had a patient that needed a procedure done because he had a complicated infection and he wouldn't do it because it had to be done by a specialist in a different facility and his wife didn't know how to drive or handle any finances so she wouldn't know how to function while he was gone. I'm talking about life threatening complications if he doesn't get this procedure. I will never understand women voluntarily being this dependent in the 21st century. Her helplessness put his life in danger and she would be ish out of luck whether he gets the procedure or not
 
GraceJones said:
How the hell do you not know what medication you've been putting in your mouth?
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There are so many patients like this. Worse still are the ones who have SCARS on their bodies and they don't know what happened or WHY the surgery was done. I don't understand how you let someone cut you open without understanding why they're doing it!
 
fluffyforever said:
When I used to take my FH to the doctor with me, he would do a lot of talking. He used to ask more questions about my health and the medicines they prescribe to me then I asked myself. I loved it because he asked a lot of questions I never would have thought about. Or if I forgot to mention something about my history he would bring it up.

I stopped bringing him to my appointments though because every time I would bring him, a nurse would pull me to the side and ask if he was abusing me. It made FH uncomfortable and he thinks they have a file on him or something.
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I made the mistake of doing this for my elderly father at his first doctors visit when he signed up for treatment at the local VA hospital. He has dementia so I would answer for him during his appointments because all he would do is just nod and say yes to whatever the nurse practitioner said. They flaged me as a potential abuser and I got a visit from social services the very next day.:nono:
 
SwtAnana said:
There are so many patients like this. Worse still are the ones who have SCARS on their bodies and they don't know what happened or WHY the surgery was done. I don't understand how you let someone cut you open without understanding why they're doing it!
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I see this All.The.Time. Its very frustrating!

Me: So, what is the doctor doing for you today?
Patient: I don't know, something about my kidney...
Me: :perplexed...umm, you do realize your kidney is being removed today and you will only have one after this surgery, right?
Patient: :blush: Really??
Me: :look:
 
all_1_length said:
I made the mistake of doing this for my elderly father at his first doctors visit when he signed up for treatment at the local VA hospital. He has dementia so I would answer for him during his appointments because all he would do is just nod and say yes to whatever the nurse practitioner said. They flaged me as a potential abuser and I got a visit from social services the very next day.:nono:
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What? So they do keep files on people who speak up for others? That's a bit scary.
 
Yes, American or Americanized women often speak for their husbands when the husband is the patient- except when the husband is of middle eastern descent-- then the wife doesn't say a word and just sits there while the husband authoritatively tries to tell me what I need to do for him. :rolleyes:

It's funny because when the man is the patient and the woman speaks for him, I don't mind and often welcome it because I know I will get more (accurate) information.

But, when the woman is the patient and the man speaks for her (or female partner in lesbian instances), I get VERY annoyed and ask him to shut up or leave (in a nice way). Double standard, I know. But I feel women are great & effective communicators about their problems, and if a man (or her partner) has to speak, then something is wrong.
 
crazytrish75 said:
I see this All.The.Time. Its very frustrating!

Me: So, what is the doctor doing for you today?
Patient: I don't know, something about my kidney...
Me: :perplexed...umm, you do realize your kidney is being removed today and you will only have one after this surgery, right?
Patient: :blush: Really??
Me: :look:
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:lachen: :lachen: :lachen:
 
eh, i can see this in my future. my bf talks for me a lot but i prefer it that way. and like someone else mentioned he always asks questions i never would have thought of.
 
I've seen it on both sides. Sometimes the person doesn't know their information. If the person is speaking over them, I find that rude.

I do get annoyed if I ask someone who is fully alert about something subjective i.e. pain and the spouse answers for them.
 
SwtAnana said:
There are so many patients like this. Worse still are the ones who have SCARS on their bodies and they don't know what happened or WHY the surgery was done. I don't understand how you let someone cut you open without understanding why they're doing it!
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This guy was talking about his gunshot wound that was bothering him. I ask when was he was shot and he told me, he couldn't remember. I am like WTH, if I was shot I would know the day, time, who was president, the weather, etc. If he was shot in the head, then I would give him some leeway, this fool was shot in his leg.
 
My DH does this at the doctors. He is obsessed with my good health. Stuff I'm not worried about, he is.

I get cysts in my breasts and he was not pleased with how they felt recently and insisted I go the the doctor. They said it was fine, he insisted I go to another. I went and as she examined me, this man literally directed her and at one point tried to show her himself (ON MY BREAST!) what he was feeling that he didn't like. The doc was so amused! It was embarrassing but I let him do it because his insistence has gotten me surgery that I've ended up needing in the past.
 
Thought of this thread this morning

"Okay sir, what is your daughter's DOB?"
"Uhhhhhhhh um she's like 9 or 10. Hey "sick child" when is your birthday?"

I can only laugh internally
 
secretdiamond said:
Yes, American or Americanized women often speak for their husbands when the husband is the patient- except when the husband is of middle eastern descent-- then the wife doesn't say a word and just sits there while the husband authoritatively tries to tell me what I need to do for him. :rolleyes:

It's funny because when the man is the patient and the woman speaks for him, I don't mind and often welcome it because I know I will get more (accurate) information.

But, when the woman is the patient and the man speaks for her (or female partner in lesbian instances), I get VERY annoyed and ask him to shut up or leave (in a nice way). Double standard, I know. But I feel women are great & effective communicators about their problems, and if a man (or her partner) has to speak, then something is wrong.
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Whatever causes that emotional reaction with one situation and not the other should be dealt with and not brought into the workplace IMO. There are a lot of blanket generalisations and assumptions here that would inevitably affect fairness towards patients and their partners.

The act of speaking up for a partner or family members can be done for a variety of reasons. Some women are controlling, some men are controlling. Some people have shy/anxious partners. Some people have partners that have refused to get something serious checked out for a long time and they want to make sure everything gets said. And on..

I don't often have people talking for me, but in terms of reporting with accuracy and being articulate my FH definitely wins the race lol.
 
Tamrin said:
I encounter this a lot. I work in the financial/title sector. I would be talking to a client and the wife proudly says "show him the documents he knows about these things." To which my answer is "what if he drops dead? Will you know where you stand financially?" They then get that ooh look on their faces and look stupid. I cannot tolerate stuff like that.
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We are >here< with this. I work at an Ivy league university and I cannot tell you how many times I have had our employee who is a female call with questions about their retirement but tell me to tell their husband instead. I make them both stay on the phone because 1. You are our employee not him and 2. This is your $$ and if he leaves or you outlive him you still need to be aware of YOUR money. We are taking it out of your check not his. These women are not making chump change either for the naiveté they display and unwillingness to be educated.

This is a larger issue in of itself with women and retirement. Many have no clue what their own financial health looks like because they always 'let the husband take care of it' along with the regular bills and such. But if he gets deathly ill, divorces her or just unable to do this any longer it creates an avoidable burden for the woman.

I beg of any you out there if this is your mindset, take small steps to get out of it. You have a right to know what is going on with your money whether household or retirement. Don't put it all on your other half, same sex or other wise. If something happens you are in for a rude awakening and it can be avoided with education on what does your total financial picture look like.
 
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