Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft

hopeful

hopeful

Well-Known Member
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This is an amazing book and I think every woman should read it before venturing out into the world of dating. Especially if she suffered from or saw any type of abuse in her childhood. But also even if she didn't. Our world is getting more and more complicated and men are finding new and different ways to be abusive. Many men have found ways to hurt us without us recognizing that we are being abused. They do it in such a way that you end up feeling confused and wondering if what's going on is your fault. Many of us still think of domestic violence as hitting and yelling. I am discovering that abuse is less about what the man actually does and more about how we feel within the relationship. If we are feeling confused, unsafe, inconsistently loved, unsettled, insecure, afraid but unsure of why, something is probably wrong.

This book gives insight into how an abusive man thinks and operates and explains the many tactics he uses to dominate a woman and steal her peace and happiness.
 
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ArrrBeee said:
It's a great book. I especially like the checklist to determine if a man is really trying to change his behavior.
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I'm glad you are enjoying it. I especially liked when he broke down why men abuse and continue to no matter what you say or how much you cry etc. It breaks it down point by point. In the end it comes down to how they behave gets their needs met, it works for them.
 
awhyley said:
*Another book for the listing*
You ladies really have a great arsenal of relationship knowledge.
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We have to be well-armed. Most women love relationships and being in relationships. We have so much to give and share. Many men prey on our desire to love and and be loved, to give and be given back to. We cannot afford to not understand the world, ourselves, and predators. If we aren't fully prepared for a job, we might get fired, be unemployed for a bit, but most of us will be fine. Not being prepared for the romantic world can get us caught up for years with a jerk, impregnated by a jerk, infected with some disease, heartbroken, used and/or abused for years. There is too much at stake for us to be unprepared, uneducated, and unprotected.
 
hopeful said:
We have to be well-armed. Most women love relationships and being in relationships. We have so much to give and share. Many men prey on our desire to love and and be loved, to give and be given back to. We cannot afford to not understand the world, ourselves, and predators. If we aren't fully prepared for a job, we might get fired, be unemployed for a bit, but most of us will be fine. Not being prepared for the romantic world can get us caught up for years with a jerk, impregnated by a jerk, infected with some disease, heartbroken, used and/or abused for years. There is too much at stake for us to be unprepared, uneducated, and unprotected.
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Amen!!!
 
I wasnt going to read Yet another book, but because of what you said @hopeful, im downloading it

My prayer is that we as women learn what is necessary in order to be able to equip our daughters, nieces, friends, etc. In dating.

Not having those skills have hurt us tremendously!!
 
hopeful said:
We have to be well-armed. Most women love relationships and being in relationships. We have so much to give and share. Many men prey on our desire to love and and be loved, to give and be given back to. We cannot afford to not understand the world, ourselves, and predators. If we aren't fully prepared for a job, we might get fired, be unemployed for a bit, but most of us will be fine. Not being prepared for the romantic world can get us caught up for years with a jerk, impregnated by a jerk, infected with some disease, heartbroken, used and/or abused for years. There is too much at stake for us to be unprepared, uneducated, and unprotected.
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That was my fate. Never again!
 
hopeful said:
We have to be well-armed. Most women love relationships and being in relationships. We have so much to give and share. Many men prey on our desire to love and and be loved, to give and be given back to. We cannot afford to not understand the world, ourselves, and predators. If we aren't fully prepared for a job, we might get fired, be unemployed for a bit, but most of us will be fine. Not being prepared for the romantic world can get us caught up for years with a jerk, impregnated by a jerk, infected with some disease, heartbroken, used and/or abused for years. There is too much at stake for us to be unprepared, uneducated, and unprotected.
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My friend said she always assume a man is complete and utter trash from the moment she meets them and they have to prove to her otherwise.
 
LoveLiLi said:
:rofl: I always try to see them as a blank slate and let them reveal themselves over time, but I like your friend's approach better.
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It's interesting, i like the blank slate approach better. Maybe it's just that nice girl in me, but I don't like automatically assuming the worst (that doesn't mean I'm assuming they have good intention either). I know I'd feel some type of way if a guy he told me that he assumed I was a hoe or deceitful woman and I'd have to prove otherwise. I try not to do that to men.
 
ladysaraii said:
It's interesting, i like the blank slate approach better. Maybe it's just that nice girl in me, but I don't like automatically assuming the worst (that doesn't mean I'm assuming they have good intention either). I know I'd feel some type of way if a guy he told me that he assumed I was a hoe or deceitful woman and I'd have to prove otherwise. I try not to do that to men.
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I definitely see what you mean. I'm very into self help/development books so I try not to give my energy to ideas like all men cheat, all men are dogs, they only want sex etc. because I would make that true for my romantic experience.

That's not to say I haven't had any difficulties with men but I don't want to operate under the pretense that all, or even most, men are out to use and mistreat me.

I assume that men want to treat me well. That they will go out of their way to make me happy and that is overwhelmingly true for me.
 
ladysaraii said:
It's interesting, i like the blank slate approach better. Maybe it's just that nice girl in me, but I don't like automatically assuming the worst (that doesn't mean I'm assuming they have good intention either). I know I'd feel some type of way if a guy he told me that he assumed I was a hoe or deceitful woman and I'd have to prove otherwise. I try not to do that to men.
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Yes, I agree with you. Assuming the worst is fear-based IMO.
 
hopeful said:
Yes, I agree with you. Assuming the worst is fear-based IMO.
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Just to go a little further.

*Assuming the worst = fear-based, the world is a scary place. I have to assume every man is bad and is out to hurt me.

*Assuming blank slate that will reveal true self over time = I trust myself, my instincts, my discernment, my wisdom, and the signals and support of God and the universe to help me figure things out and make good choices for me.

*Assuming the best of a stranger = living in a fairytale, leaving my fate to others because I don't trust myself to take good care of me. Main reason why I don't believe in adult women having crushes on a stranger. Crushes IMO elevate a person who hasn't proven themself worthy of space in my head or heart.
 
Here is an YouTube video of him speaking on this subject; it's almost 2 hours long. He touches on and highlights some very good topics; one in particular made me cringe and side-eye him on my computer (but I got his point).





If anyone finds an audible version of this book pa-lease post a link. Thanks​
 
hopeful said:
Just to go a little further.

*Assuming the worst = fear-based, the world is a scary place. I have to assume every man is bad and is out to hurt me.

*Assuming blank slate that will reveal true self over time = I trust myself, my instincts, my discernment, my wisdom, and the signals and support of God and the universe to help me figure things out and make good choices for me.

*Assuming the best of a stranger = living in a fairytale, leaving my fate to others because I don't trust myself to take good care of me. Main reason why I don't believe in adult women having crushes on a stranger. Crushes IMO elevate a person who hasn't proven themself worthy of space in my head or heart.
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This is true. Said as an adult woman who gets crushes. But I totally know it's fantasy and based on completely nothing. If only I could stop them, I'd be set.
 
hopeful said:
@Ivonnovi
What made you cringe? And how far is it into the video? I may not watch the whole thing. Also, thanks for posting the video!
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@hopeful
The Set-up:
Among other topics during this presentation he also talks about how pornography degrades women, and it's affect on [the blooming young minds of boys and] men who get the wrong message about women from the "version of sexuality"/[tactics] often used in porno: degradation, physical abuse, [lack of conversation] = sexual excitement for men.​
The Cringe: (he use the Afro-american experince comparison to prove a point)
About 40 minutes in and on this topic he points out that folks start protesting & alleging censorship, anti-sex...etc ; when he or others try to protest pornography; his objection is to the Misogyny often depicted in the flicks

To drive his point home he made the comparison that [in my words]
"glorifying the" misogyny & physical abuse +[lack of dignity] of women= sexual excitement for men​
(is no more socially acceptable than) [in my words]
"glorifying the" degradation+physical abuse & bigoted treatment +[lack of dignity] of blacks [slaves] ​
 
Ok thank you. I actually agree with him completely based on what you said. I have been thinking about this for the past couple years, since I started grad school. That this abuse of women is similar to racism and bigotry. Particularly the covert aspect. It is more difficult for blacks to claim overt racism but it still prevails covertly. IMO even though women can have all kinds of jobs etc., own property, etc. we all still feel sexism covertly and it still hurts a lot. As black women we are subjected to both racism and sexism/misogyny etc. and our cries are often ignored by society including black men who pretend they can't see our pain from said abuse that they KNOW exists. I particularly think about the microaggression thread in OT, so many examples of racist acts that appear innocent yet cut like a knife. It's the same with the hatred of women perpetrated by men and society as a whole, death by a million tiny cuts. How we are hurt must be brought to light over and over again in order for it to be more visible.
 
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